LimboGuy Posted June 10, 2018 Posted June 10, 2018 So a little background, and this may turn out being somewhat lengthy. I'm 30 years old and I broke up with my ex back in September of last year, well she broke up with me actually. It was a very weird and unique situation, where we were an item for nearly 3 years, yet we were for the most part at a very long distance. Whilst we were at a long distance, we'd talk for hours most days and everything was fine, it was an easy relationship, full of romance, mutual understanding, and a mutual feeling of 'everything in the world seems ok now that I have her / him' I've had several long term relationships, yet the connection with this person is like no other I have ever felt before, and she felt the same. The thing is that I couldn't go and live with her any time soon, and due to her situation as a single mother, she was stuck where she was. I became frustrated and was stuck between staying in this situation with a girl I truly loved, and wanting to leave the situation as I could see realistically see a future for us at the time being, and that made me feel like I was leading her on in a sense; it was tough. One day around 2 and a half years into the relationship, she said to me that she had an online friend, a guy, who was going to visit her. I knew this was going to turn out to be an issue and so my immediate reaction was to leave the situation there and then, but she assured me no he was just a friend. Later when they met, she basically ended it with me, saying 'I don't know what to say, we just click, I'm so sorry and cannot talk right now' - That was when she ended it. I went through hell for a week because that is all I heard from her, there was radio silence. I lost weight, couldn't sleep, and even got it into my head that something bad had happened to her lol. I soon enough though came to my senses and realised what had happened. She couldn't wait for me, she often spoke about our future together and recently she had lost hope for that. This other guy promised her a way out of her struggle of a life with her kids and money as a single mom, and she jumped at the chance. I came to terms with things, and broke all contact with her from there on out. However she actually called me some weeks later, and we spoke about the situation. She said sorry for what had happened and that our connection remained. I was still tender at this stage and so I think just talking to her felt good. For the next couple of months, we went through the process of talking now and again, and then I heard that she had married the guy lol! In fact, she married him within 10 weeks of knowing him, which is insane to me. She one day voiced some concerns with me about this guy, that they were opposites, and that he ushered her into having 'weird sex' - whatever that meant but also that he cares too much about weed. At this point I said to her' 'you're married now, I am not here to listen to your issues in life and your marriage. Talk to your husband about them' - and that is where I left it, I broke contact again. Since then which was maybe 2-3 months ago, we have exchanged emails a couple of times, but I keep dreaming about her, even though I have a new relationship. I keep comparing her to others, and that connection that we had is like no other. A mutual understanding. I know why she did what she did, it was out of desperation, and she has actually moved country with him and left her children behind with their dad, who is not a very nice person actually. I really really want to forget this person, I want to move on as it has been 9 months or so since all of this started, yet I can't. Either I end up contacting her, or she will contact me. The last line she used to break contact was; 'you are the person who understands me the most in this world, and that is something I don't want to lose' I don't know what to do, my sleep is being affected by this as last night for example I dreamt of her, and also her 2 poor children who I know for a fact miss her, as she meant the world to them. I am not heartbroken in the sense I am depressed and down, in fact I am really quite happy in life, I just can't fully let go of who she meant to me in life, the fact that I have lost that connection with someone who truly gets me. It seems like it won't happen ever again. Also if I think about all of her emails and calls to me since the breakup, it seems obvious that she doesn't actually love him, and she goes from opening up to me, and then feeling guilty about it and being cold. I KNOW it's a hopeless situation from me, hence why I want to let it be and leave it.
NopeNah Posted June 10, 2018 Posted June 10, 2018 (edited) How often did you and/or her kids see this woman in 3yrs? Edited June 10, 2018 by Praying4Daylight
Marc878 Posted June 10, 2018 Posted June 10, 2018 She dumps you and marries some guy quickly then dumps her kids? No one needs that kind of craziness in their life. Block her on everything and never respond to her again. You are the one keeping yourself in this situation. She can't. It sounds like you're a bit addicted to hopium.
Author LimboGuy Posted June 10, 2018 Author Posted June 10, 2018 How often did you and/or her kids see this woman in 3yrs? Enough time at the start, but not enough in the grand scheme of things.
Author LimboGuy Posted June 10, 2018 Author Posted June 10, 2018 She dumps you and marries some guy quickly then dumps her kids? No one needs that kind of craziness in their life. Block her on everything and never respond to her again. You are the one keeping yourself in this situation. She can't. It sounds like you're a bit addicted to hopium. People are weird, I guess I do have hope for the future, even though I know she has made some very very poor decisions. Would I even want her in my life anymore, I have no clue what I am clinging onto. Like I said, I feel like I cannot connect with another person in that way, which makes the world seem less vibrant, less meaningful. I don't know in all honesty. I have at least gotten over the heartache a long time ago, but cannot let that last finger clinging to the ledge slip.
Marc878 Posted June 10, 2018 Posted June 10, 2018 Upfront everyone thinks they are the only one in the world of millions. They aren't. The more time you keep yourself tied up on this losing venture the less time you have to spend on finding the right on for you. She's no catch man. That's the reality.
Author LimboGuy Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 Upfront everyone thinks they are the only one in the world of millions. They aren't. The more time you keep yourself tied up on this losing venture the less time you have to spend on finding the right on for you. She's no catch man. That's the reality. Thanks, I appreciate it. Need to have a dose of reality like that, and to see things objectively I guess Cheers!
ItIsNotMe Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 She wants the best of you both - his money and being able to be next to her physically and you - the person who understands her the best possible way. She will use you as a shoulder to cry. Sort of emotional recycle bin. You have already told her your best words - that her marriage issues don't concern you and that they would only if she was married with you. Block her everywhere and start NC. Obviously it's not you but her - single mom meets you and then leaves you for a better opportunity. I know that the struggle is hard but kick her out of your life, take your time to heal and watch her being sorry for her miserable life. 1
Maldives Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 can relate to this was wth a girl for 6 yrs that had kids and I just could never fully commit because of the kids anyway she moved to be wth me interstate and left her kids behind dumped me it's been almost 2 yrs and I still have feelings for it just takes time ur not over her that's where your at 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 (edited) I call this a brain malfunction .... What I mean is that sometimes, the brain just doesn't cooperate ... Someone (like your gf) treats us like dirt ... and for some reason, they brain and emotional system call up good feelings about this person ... and bypass all the experience and logic and hurt and betrayal--all the right filters-- and leave this bit of emotional malware in our system. Most likely, she touched on some need or some dynamic that goes deep and goes back to your relationships with your family ... most likely with your mother ... There is something this woman gives you that is so good ... that your brain can't recognize all the bad she also gives you ... So when I've been stuck like this ... time helps ... journaling helps ... write this stuff down ... get it out of your mind ... talk to other people .... I have an ex who wasn't that into me ... ultimately dumped me ... told me she wasn't that attracted to me ... and yet ... there was something about her ... and her listening and her encouragement that was so powerful and helpful to me ... Took me a good while to really let her go .. .because amidst her rejection and distance, there was some insight and encouragement from her that I had not gotten from anyone else ... If you system still can't let her go ... definitely head to therapy ... because there is something in your background that you probably need to take on ... most likely some experience of neglect while growing up ... that you have denied or overlooked ... Edited June 14, 2018 by Lotsgoingon
Author LimboGuy Posted June 15, 2018 Author Posted June 15, 2018 I call this a brain malfunction .... What I mean is that sometimes, the brain just doesn't cooperate ... Someone (like your gf) treats us like dirt ... and for some reason, they brain and emotional system call up good feelings about this person ... and bypass all the experience and logic and hurt and betrayal--all the right filters-- and leave this bit of emotional malware in our system. Most likely, she touched on some need or some dynamic that goes deep and goes back to your relationships with your family ... most likely with your mother ... There is something this woman gives you that is so good ... that your brain can't recognize all the bad she also gives you ... So when I've been stuck like this ... time helps ... journaling helps ... write this stuff down ... get it out of your mind ... talk to other people .... I have an ex who wasn't that into me ... ultimately dumped me ... told me she wasn't that attracted to me ... and yet ... there was something about her ... and her listening and her encouragement that was so powerful and helpful to me ... Took me a good while to really let her go .. .because amidst her rejection and distance, there was some insight and encouragement from her that I had not gotten from anyone else ... If you system still can't let her go ... definitely head to therapy ... because there is something in your background that you probably need to take on ... most likely some experience of neglect while growing up ... that you have denied or overlooked ... Thanks a lot for your feedback. I have been wondering for a while now, as to why she in particular has had such an impact on me. Because yes, I can see the negative aspects of her personality (more now than before) but they still do not have enough weight behind them as they should. My family life growing up was fairly decent, my father left when I was age 7, and my relationship with him has been cold and non existent every since. It hit me hard, but I am over that now and have been for years. My mother was always the best, and she has really been a true inspiration to me. So it MAY have something to do with that, but then again I'm not sure. I feel that simply put, I can talk with my ex about anything, and she'll understand. We can take about specific topics that most other people don't really think about, let alone discuss. Anyway, I am feeling good as of late. I haven't felt 'pain' relating to her in many many weeks, but like when I started this thread, I am simply clinging mentally, for whatever reason or reasons. She is at least staying away from me, I feel she probably is trying to focus on her new baby with her husband, and that to me is the best, because this gives me time to fully let go. I know she hasn't fully let go either, so hopefully she will not want to message me again in the near future.
CantTakeMySmile Posted June 15, 2018 Posted June 15, 2018 How much time did you spend with her and her children in the three years you were together?
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