I can't figure him out!

[Summer2018]

Hi everybody, I need your opinion on a situation I am facing with my boyfriend, and I am not sure what to believe anymore.

 

Short background: we've been together for one year, rocky start but things seemed to have fallen into place starting February of this year (he started putting in more effort, showing me he cares, spending more time with me, etc). I really thought the relationship has taken off, and most of the time it does feel like a solid relationship.

 

However, one thing is odd and I can't fathom what's going on. Once a month (more precisely, every 4 weeks) he refuses to spend the Saturday with me, claiming he is spending it with his kids (who by the way are 17 and 18) and who live with him. In fact, he does offer to spend time during the day, but on the condition that he gets back home by 9 pm, so he can hang out with them.

 

Now I may have trust issues, yes, and some of them stem from our own relationship which, like I said, wasn't smooth in the beginning, but still, I feel it is extremely weird that kids that age would beg their father to hang out with them on a Saturday night! And only once a month too! Now in all fairness, he doesn't spend too much time with them, as they are either with their friends, or family, or their mother, and he is with me most Fridays and Saturdays, but still, isn't this odd?

 

Every time I bring up my concern, we get into a fight with him complaining I don't understand he has responsibilities towards the kids, and it all turns into a matter of me not trusting him (which clearly I don't, because the whole thing is too odd to me). He makes me feel like I am the crazy one, because I should be trusting him by now.

 

So please help me clear my head here - do I have a reason to suspect something fishy is going on? I do realize if there was another woman, it probably wouldn't be just once a month, but then what is going on?? How can I not think bad thoughts, when what he tells me is really hard to believe? I mean, they live together for God's sake! Do they really need Saturday nights every month to hang out? If some of you have kids that age, please tell me...is this normal?

 

Other than that, things seem great between us and i have no complaints.

 

Any input? Thanks.

 

PS - oh, and since every time this happens we get into a fight, he punishes me by not wanting to hang out on the Saturday at all, even if initially he had offered to spend time during the day. Punishment, I guess, but the thing is - he gets to have the whole Saturday to himself and whomever else is in the picture, without having to talk to me. He does resume contact on Sunday, and it's like nothing ever happened. Wth??

Edited June 9, 2018 by Summer2018

[Meso82]

Hmm. The fact that he lives with them, but still reserves that one night is kind of a red flag.

 

Although in his defense its only that night. You'd think if it was a woman shed be fighting for much much more time than just a saturday evening.

 

 

Interested to know more about this.

[Summer2018]

Interested to know more about this.

 

Me too! Lol... I just don't know how to ever find out! Short of hiring a PI (which I'd never do and couldn't afford anyway), there is no way for me to know! And it worries me sick, because if he's up to no good my health is at risk, not to mention my sanity. I would drop him in a heartbeat if I knew he is seeing someone else, but the chances for me to know the truth are nil.

 

I was just wondering if perhaps this is a normal family dynamic, I don't have kids so I don't know...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have a 15 and 17-year old, and think this is a great idea! Even though my kids are with me half the time (usually more than that), we don't spend a lot of time "together." Carving out time just for that once a month is sweet, I think. They will always remember those monthly nights with Dad when they got his undivided attention.

[Meso82]

 

I was just wondering if perhaps this is a normal family dynamic, I don't have kids so I don't know...

 

I guess yeah thats a possibility. They might of agreed on some movie night that they have to do together no matter what.

[Summer2018]

I have a 15 and 17-year old, and think this is a great idea! Even though my kids are with me half the time (usually more than that), we don't spend a lot of time "together." Carving out time just for that once a month is sweet, I think. They will always remember those monthly nights with Dad when they got his undivided attention.

 

I would too think it was sweet, if he told me "hey, once a month we have this father-kid nights, hope you understand". But it's always sudden, we would be having a nice Friday night and then he'd say "oh my kids have been bugging me to spend tomorrow night with them" - at which point it's too late for me to make other plans with my own friends, and I am blindsided and start worrying once I calculate the exact same scenario happened 4 weeks before.

But I guess it *could* happen...however now it's the third time it's happening and I am starting to really see a pattern here. I don't know what to make of it. I do know there are women desperate enough to settle for a once a month thing...plus there are nights here and there during the week where I don't hear from him (not too often though, maybe once every 2 weeks, or once a week). He of course swears up and down that he is a one woman's man, and he would never ever cheat (but I did witness him cheating once - on someone else, not on me) - hence my trust issues.

 

I don't know what to think anymore, but I am certainly very worried.

Edited June 9, 2018 by Summer2018

[stillafool]

My husband is one of four children in his family. When I met him his mother would have the 4 of them over her house one Friday night out of each month. I thought it was nice and it gave me a chance to go out with my girlfriends. It does happen with some families. Why don't you plan to do something else and not worry about it.

[Malin889]

What was this rocky start you are talking about, and why did you give him a chance to begin with if the beginning was so rocky? How did you see him cheating with someone else? Did you know him before you dated?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would too think it was sweet, if he told me "hey, once a month we have this father-kid nights, hope you understand". But it's always sudden, we would be having a nice Friday night and then he'd say "oh my kids have been bugging me to spend tomorrow night with them" - at which point it's too late for me to make other plans with my own friends, and I am blindsided and start worrying once I calculate the exact same scenario happened 4 weeks before.

 

Ohhh, ok, I misunderstood. I thought it was a standing date. Yeah, it does sound a bit strange, especially since it's at 9PM, which means they're not even having dinner together. Hmmmm.....

 

My kids love me, but they never "beg to spend time with me." My son begs to come HERE instead of his dad's house all the time, but that has more to do with his PS4 than me!

[Summer2018]

What was this rocky start you are talking about, and why did you give him a chance to begin with if the beginning was so rocky? How did you see him cheating with someone else? Did you know him before you dated?

 

Yes, I knew him before we dated, so I saw him cheating on his ex.

With me, he was non-committal for a long time, he would be hot and cold and we fought often because of that. Then all of a sudden, he changed and became a great boyfriend, with the exception of these odd issues

[Chilli]

Well if he is legit who cares it's only one night a month and he even offered to spend the day with you which l think would be pretty selfish of you to expect anyway. Fk it have the whole day , what's one day a month.

And l think it'd be a really cool thing for him and his kids too.

So what if he told you friday night one week , big deal. So stay home and relax, or call someone, go somewhere, whatever,

 

Is it legit , God knows , you'll have to figure that out but if it is l think it's really cool. l might even set it up with mine.

[act00]

I don't know that I find it terribly odd. These kids have their own social lives, jobs, stay with their mother, want to play video games...whatever they do...and as we grow up, we don't see mom and dad as much, and as a parent, we don't see the kids as much. We may live under the same roof, yet not really spend quality time together anymore, so a planned night seems reasonable, even if sometimes it's last minute because it's really a matter of everyone being available all at the same time...this can be rare.

 

I can't say this is an indicator of cheating.

 

What I'm wondering, is how long have you been going out, and have you reached a point in the relationship that you should start being incorporated into the family way? Have you reached a point that you can meet them and sometimes participate in "date night?"

 

You state that you're together every Friday and Saturday night, aside from these nights. Do you ever go out with your friends? Have a girls' night? Just want to hang at home alone? What about him? Does he want to go out with his friends? Does he just need a night alone? Is he more extroverted or introverted? Are you dominating all his free time?

 

I don't know OP, because I can see the questionable nature of these "date nights" as excuses, but I also understand the rotating parenting schedules and desire plan something solid with the kids. I'm divorced and lived the rotating schedule for years, dating only when the kids were with their dad, and not being an insta-family...never quite reaching the point of blending. A lot of the men I date have children younger than my own and still have certain responsibilities, so I'm simply more comfortable with it. If there are other indications of questionable behavior, clues...maybe you can't quite put your finger on it, then pay attention, see if there is a reason to suspect infidelity.

[Mrin]

Question - where does this Saturday off lie in relation to your monthly cycle?

 

Question - are he or his kids gamers?

[Summer2018]

I don't know that I find it terribly odd. These kids have their own social lives, jobs, stay with their mother, want to play video games...whatever they do...and as we grow up, we don't see mom and dad as much, and as a parent, we don't see the kids as much. We may live under the same roof, yet not really spend quality time together anymore, so a planned night seems reasonable, even if sometimes it's last minute because it's really a matter of everyone being available all at the same time...this can be rare.

 

I can't say this is an indicator of cheating.

 

What I'm wondering, is how long have you been going out, and have you reached a point in the relationship that you should start being incorporated into the family way? Have you reached a point that you can meet them and sometimes participate in "date night?"

 

You state that you're together every Friday and Saturday night, aside from these nights. Do you ever go out with your friends? Have a girls' night? Just want to hang at home alone? What about him? Does he want to go out with his friends? Does he just need a night alone? Is he more extroverted or introverted? Are you dominating all his free time?

 

I don't know OP, because I can see the questionable nature of these "date nights" as excuses, but I also understand the rotating parenting schedules and desire plan something solid with the kids. I'm divorced and lived the rotating schedule for years, dating only when the kids were with their dad, and not being an insta-family...never quite reaching the point of blending. A lot of the men I date have children younger than my own and still have certain responsibilities, so I'm simply more comfortable with it. If there are other indications of questionable behavior, clues...maybe you can't quite put your finger on it, then pay attention, see if there is a reason to suspect infidelity.

 

I will never get to the point of being incorporated in the family, as he is not keen on that (it's just the way he's been with others he's dated too), and I also am not all that interested. His kids will go to college next year anyway, so they won't be around.

 

My reasons to suspect infidelity stem from the past. I saw him cheating, and even when we used to hang out (strictly as friends) on the occasional Saturday, his girlfriend at the time had no idea, she thought he was with his kids! So what would stop me from fully believing he is doing the same thing to me? Telling me he is with the kids, but in fact having date nights with someone else?

It's not like he calls or messages me to reassure me, he doesn't contact me the whole day until Sunday! He could be doing anything, and I would have no idea.

[Summer2018]

Question - where does this Saturday off lie in relation to your monthly cycle?

 

Question - are he or his kids gamers?

 

Nothing to do with my cycle, in fact it's always happened when I was not on my period.

And no, none of them are gamers.

[smackie9]

Yes, I knew him before we dated, so I saw him cheating on his ex.

With me, he was non-committal for a long time, he would be hot and cold and we fought often because of that. Then all of a sudden, he changed and became a great boyfriend, with the exception of these odd issues

Well then sorry to say but it's your own fault for dating someone that had np playing two women at the same time. Why date a cheater, be paranoid of his behavior, have a fights over it, he shuts you down,etc. Is it really a nice relationship? Is this the best you can do? I think you are ripping yourself off by being with him. IMO you can do better than this.

 

 

 

The thing is, you will always be paranoid he could be cheating...forever and ever.

 

 

 

The cray cray solution: Put a GPS on his car see where he goes, go there and see what he is doing or hire a PI, or if he has a laptop, download some spy software to you can look at his emails, and activities on there or simply start going through his phone while he sleeps or in the shower..... have fun with that.

[Mrin]

Nothing to do with my cycle, in fact it's always happened when I was not on my period.

And no, none of them are gamers.

 

Ok well there goes two of my theories.

 

Does he have many friends? Physical or online?

[act00]

I will never get to the point of being incorporated in the family, as he is not keen on that (it's just the way he's been with others he's dated too), and I also am not all that interested. His kids will go to college next year anyway, so they won't be around.

 

My reasons to suspect infidelity stem from the past. I saw him cheating, and even when we used to hang out (strictly as friends) on the occasional Saturday, his girlfriend at the time had no idea, she thought he was with his kids! So what would stop me from fully believing he is doing the same thing to me? Telling me he is with the kids, but in fact having date nights with someone else?

It's not like he calls or messages me to reassure me, he doesn't contact me the whole day until Sunday! He could be doing anything, and I would have no idea.

 

The children will always be around...unless they have some estrangement or falling out, they will ALWAYS be around. They are his life. Future marriages, grandbabies, birthdays, baptisms, graduations, little league, holidays...they are PERMANENT. If he doesn't care about you enough to make you part of the family unit, then move on or plan on spending all your holidays without him as the side chick while he spends time with his family.

 

He's not keen on involving you with his family? He's not serious about you.

 

He's using the same excuse on you as he did with his ex? Yes, I can understand your unease over this...and you need to talk to him about it, and he needs to take steps to make sure you trust him...but he's "not that way" and likes having you around, but not in such a way that you could be long-term and part of the family...just the side chick.

 

It seems to me that you should be considering, seriously, if you need to walk away from this relationship. It started on rocky foundation as you watched him make all the moves and cheat with great success...it doesn't look good, OP.

[Poutrew]

I'd put a GPS on his car. It will tell you where he goes... if it is to his kids you will know. If it is to someone else's house for the night, you will know. Just one thing, remove the GPS unit from the car before you confront him, or you may loose it when he storms off! Alternately, if you can activate the 'find my phone' feature of this cell, it will also give you a running log of his whereabouts. The cheap route would be to just drive by his house on one of those nights to see if his car is where it should be... being a cheater in the past, and using the exact same excuse on you as he did on his ex makes this behavior highly suspect...

[Summer2018]

 

He's using the same excuse on you as he did with his ex? Yes, I can understand your unease over this...and you need to talk to him about it, and he needs to take steps to make sure you trust him...but he's "not that way" and likes having you around, but not in such a way that you could be long-term and part of the family...just the side chick.

 

It seems to me that you should be considering, seriously, if you need to walk away from this relationship. It started on rocky foundation as you watched him make all the moves and cheat with great success...it doesn't look good, OP.

 

The problem is that I tried talking to him about it, which is what always caused the fights! He doesn't understand my concerns, because in his mind I should just trust him, after knowing him for so long and seeing how much effort he is putting in the relationship. He isn't the typical guy, and this I've known for a very long time. He is rigid and the "my way or the highway" type, not only in relationships, but in every aspect of his life. Of course he has many good traits as well, that I am not mentioning here, so it's not like he's a monster or anything, but let's just say that he is not a warm, understanding person. So every time I brought up my concerns a fight started, caused by him being disappointed in my lack of trust in him. According to him, I should have no reason to be suspicious, end of story.

He completely denies that he cheated in the past, even if he knows I witnessed it, which is why he can't see why I would have trust issues.

 

I am indeed starting to question if maybe this is not the best relationship for me. I am jumping through too many hoops, and walking on eggshells and not being able to express my concerns and ask for reassurance is not fun at all. I don't feel ready yet to cut ties, but I think I will start distancing myself slowly emotionally.

[Summer2018]

I'd put a GPS on his car. It will tell you where he goes... if it is to his kids you will know. If it is to someone else's house for the night, you will know. Just one thing, remove the GPS unit from the car before you confront him, or you may loose it when he storms off! Alternately, if you can activate the 'find my phone' feature of this cell, it will also give you a running log of his whereabouts. The cheap route would be to just drive by his house on one of those nights to see if his car is where it should be... being a cheater in the past, and using the exact same excuse on you as he did on his ex makes this behavior highly suspect...

 

Ha...he doesn't have a car lol.

Nor do I have access to his phone, which is password protected and always in his pocket (well mine is too, so I can't say anything about that).

[stillafool]

The problem is that I tried talking to him about it, which is what always caused the fights! He doesn't understand my concerns, because in his mind I should just trust him, after knowing him for so long and seeing how much effort he is putting in the relationship. He isn't the typical guy, and this I've known for a very long time. He is rigid and the "my way or the highway" type, not only in relationships, but in every aspect of his life. Of course he has many good traits as well, that I am not mentioning here, so it's not like he's a monster or anything, but let's just say that he is not a warm, understanding person. So every time I brought up my concerns a fight started, caused by him being disappointed in my lack of trust in him. According to him, I should have no reason to be suspicious, end of story.

He completely denies that he cheated in the past, even if he knows I witnessed it, which is why he can't see why I would have trust issues.

 

I am indeed starting to question if maybe this is not the best relationship for me. I am jumping through too many hoops, and walking on eggshells and not being able to express my concerns and ask for reassurance is not fun at all. I don't feel ready yet to cut ties, but I think I will start distancing myself slowly emotionally.

 

I'm sorry but why are you dating a man that you do not trust, is not warm and understanding? Do you want to be with a man who you can't trust and has you walking on eggshells. My gawd, from the way things sound I would be hoping he'd be away spending a lot more alone time with his kids. I would pack him a picnic basket and a suitcase.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow,

 

I think had I been in your situation ... I would have asked a lot of questions (neutral voice--maybe even positive voice) ... about what exactly he did on these Saturday nights with the kids ...

 

I would have then paid attention to how convincing the answers were ... Like the question you apparently posted in anger ... how can you get teenagers to reserve time with a dad on a Saturday night? Great question! ... But I'm guessing you asked it in anger or skepticism?

 

Sometimes you can hear when people are vague ... or unconvincing in explaining what's going on ...

 

But it seems you went into angry confrontation mode quite soon ...

 

I will say this ... one of the key roles of parents during high school years is to pay attention to what their kids are doing on a Saturday night ... like who are they dating? ... how are they dressing? what parties are they going to? ... What time do the kids return at night? are they drunk, etc.?

 

So there is real positive presence that parents can have ... even if it's just being there when the kids go out and there when the kids return ...

 

I imagine your gut says something is wrong ... can you say more? ... because yes, a good parent will spend some weekend time with a kid ... and it is helpful to a teenager (even when out at a party) to know that dad is at home, waiting ... Very helpful--even if the teenager doesn't admit this or see it.

Edited June 10, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[vanhalenfan]

Hey, you can always do a drive-by of his house that night to check out if he is at least home....alone, with the kids. Or not home at all. I don't know. Some lite PI work of your own if you are that interested and this is a persistent thing happening...

[preraph]

All I can tell you is if the kids are only hogging their father's time once a month, both you and he are lucky. I mean, he has to do chores and laundry and stuff like that too. When you have kids, it's usually a lot more time than that taken away from your socializing.