Riot21 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 (edited) We had a great first date. He was super nice and we both have similar professions and senses of humor as a result (we both work in medicine). He seems pretty interested in me. He texts me very often and I text him often after just one date. He isn’t a great conversationalist and doesn’t as too many questions but I don’t have a hard time making small talk. I come from an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. He was super into me initially at first and we felt like we were soulmates after two months. I’m afraid that someone being very interested in me is a bad sign now. He always mentions taking me to certain places around town like pizza places and comedy shows. And says that his friends work for a beer company and he can get me free cans of my absolute favorite beer Also, my friend said he briefly dated her friend seven months ago but abruptly stopped talking to her because he wasn’t over an ex. He also has t really reached out to her again and maybe that’s because he wasn’t super interested? I come from a terrible heartbreak and relationship and am terrified of being hurt again. I don’t know what a normal relationship is because my last one was riddled with lies, manipulation, gaslighting, and I was dependent on someone who thrived on taking advantage of my kindness and then throwing **** at me and making me doubt myself when I expressed any negative feelings about the relationship. I can’t gauge if someone is good or bad or has red flags or not and I don’t want to hurt anymore after seven years of being worn down. Edited June 9, 2018 by Riot21 Add info
Meso82 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 The short answer is yes its fine. If you're scared of being hurt again you could politely ask him about his previous relationships if hes willing to share.
Author Riot21 Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 The short answer is yes its fine. If you're scared of being hurt again you could politely ask him about his previous relationships if hes willing to share. He isn’t too much? Lie how he is behaving is normal? For a healthy relationship?
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 It sounds fine for one date. Thats the thing with dating, who people are is revealed with time. It is our job to pay attention to what they say and do, and to get out if something doesn't feel good. Have you considered counselling? If I may kindly say, reading the anxiety in your post, that you may benefit more from a counsellor than a date right now.
act00 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 One date at a time, sweetie. Not all men out there are bad and you can't avoid the possibility of being hurt...dating is a risk. Just allow him to like you and for you to like him. You have to let your defenses down a little and enjoy the time for what it is as you get to know each other. This is what dating is for. If at any point the relationship isn't working for you, you don't have to stay. I understand how you're feeling and not knowing what's normal or not, but if every act is causing anxiety and "what ifs" and doom and gloom, perhaps you are not ready to date. You can't project past boyfriends' behaviors on new men who are not butts. You need to have boundaries and preferences, and it's good if you can recognize red flags, but not good if you're paranoid. Friends and counselling can help you determine if this is you being unreasonable or not. As your relationship grows, you'll have to be communicative...there's a lot of compromise in relationships, but you should feel confidence and feel that you're both in this 50/50...not one person making changes and jumping through hoops only to find those changes you make are still not enough...there's always something else. Kind behavior riddled with cruelty keeps you off kilter...really, I think the only thing to remember is if you cry and fret too much in between sprinklings of kindness, you need to walk away. If it's all you and in your head, you need some therapy...any kind of therapy...books, get out with friends, find a hobby, professional...and if he's a jerk, you spared yourself. You need to figure this out. If you can't just enjoy this man for who he is and what this relationship is, and if you're projecting abusive tendencies on him...maybe you're not ready to be out there in the dating pool. One date at a time. If those go well, you can start thinking about weeks, and if weeks go well, you can start thinking about months. Try to relax!
carhill Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 It's a date, not a marriage proposal. It's normal for sexually healthy men to be 'into' women they want to date and mate with. If I read right, you had a 7 year LTR that ended badly. In reality, very few relationships end well. Ex'es are ex'es for a reason. You shared your reasons. This guy isn't your ex. If you don't feel ready and open for dating while recovering from a past breakup, that's fine. Tell the guy and stop dating him. Those feelings can happen at any time and are completely healthy and valid. When you're ready, all those bad things which happened in the past won't impact you in the now. If I read right, apparently the man you went on the date with went through something similar in the recent past and ceased dating. Now he's back for another go at it, with you. That's how it works. No guarantees. If you have a good time together socializing, you had a good date. Keep showing up until one of you doesn't want to. If that's now, OK. 1
Meso82 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 He isn’t too much? Lie how he is behaving is normal? For a healthy relationship? Yeah its pretty normal (if a guy is really into a girl). Guys / we, dont need alot of time to warm up to a girl. We can like a girl purely off looks alone. If a girl has a nice personality thats a bonus..
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 I'm going to change my response. Considering that you are not over your ex, posted last week that you had finally "won" back your abusive ex, you should let this new guy off the hook. You really need to get yourself together before you are ready to date again. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/657236-about-my-boyfriend 1
carhill Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Yep, after reading that backstory, I agree. At least a solid summer hanging with girlfriends and enjoying a man-free life. It is kinda wonderful. Nothing wrong with being solo. I didn't realize the past relationship was like really recent past.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 I'm going to change my response. Considering that you are not over your ex, posted last week that you had finally "won" back your abusive ex, you should let this new guy off the hook. You really need to get yourself together before you are ready to date again. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/657236-about-my-boyfriend All of the above. OP, you are in no way ready to date someone else. You are far too consumed with your ex. Just today, you made another thread about him. So don't worry about what this new guy says or does. You really shouldn't be pursuing anyone until you get yourself detached from your ex.
smackie9 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Maybe you will be the one to break his heart. That's dating...you can't prevent heartbreak unless you never date. So you either take a break like everyone says, or you simply go out and enjoy some nice dinners with interesting conversation. You are not obligated to commit anything with this guy. You can date others too if you so desire. See that takes the load off if you change your perspective. 1
stillafool Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 I think you need a bit of therapy for your issues of insecurity and fear of rejection before you start dating again. You've created I don't know how many threads about this guy, his ex and you or is this another guy you are now interested in?
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Be cautious. I've had 2 negative things happen to when a guy was really into me. Guys would totally be into me, once I started responding to their love bombing, they rejected me. On the other hand, I had a guy fall in love w/me in a very unhealthy and controlling way. Take this one date at a time and see how he acts w/you. If you feel uncomfortable, don't be hesitant to let him know.
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