fieldoflavender Posted June 8, 2018 Posted June 8, 2018 When do you think it’s too early to go on a weekend trip with someone you’re dating ? I’m not 100% sure I want the long term yet - been a couple of dates and talking for 2 months total. And I would meet his friends. Is it too early?
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2018 Posted June 8, 2018 If you think it's too early, it's too early. For me, I would never go away with somebody I wasn't sleeping with. I'd want a weekend 1st, then work up to something longer. What I know about myself is after spending that 1st weekend away, all that togetherness makes me want to run & hide when we get back. I need some serious alone time after the 24/7 thing. So I have to build up to a longer vacation & make sure my partner is going to understand my post-trip wig-out. 1
guest569 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 2 dates in 2 months? I would say it’s too early for a weekend trip. Do you feel that you know him very well? 1
basil67 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 I would want to be at the stage of sleeping together and seeing each other exclusively. Depending on the couple, this may happen after 2 weeks or six months.
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 I agree with the above posts. It would be way too early for me.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 We are seeing each other exclusively. I think we may not be at a stage of girlfriend/boyfriend yet. We haven't done that much physical stuff and we talked about the sleeping together and he says no pressure. I'm not that worried about the going away together. I'm more worried about dealing with his friends. Because I don't know anyone else. But maybe you guys are right.
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 We are seeing each other exclusively. I think we may not be at a stage of girlfriend/boyfriend yet. We haven't done that much physical stuff and we talked about the sleeping together and he says no pressure. I'm not that worried about the going away together. I'm more worried about dealing with his friends. Because I don't know anyone else. But maybe you guys are right. Oh goodness, why are you considering going away with this man if you haven't slept together yet? Is that not what he would be hoping for, if you went away together... He may say no, but I'm sure he's hoping that it is a "yes..."
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 I'm okay with sleeping with him. Although if it's not good, I guess I'm stuck with him for 2 days? I'm actually same mentality - he said no rush to do anything, but if we want to then fine. I might try to do more physical stuff before we go away the weekend before, but then tickets would already be bought I guess?
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Good luck to you, with whatever you decide. It's hard for me to wrap by brain around going away with a man that I barely know... Because, after only a few dates I would still feel like I hardly know him. Just be safe.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 Thanks, I don't think it' safety I'm worried about. We work in the same circles (of course I mean you never know). But okay maybe you guys are right. Maybe it's just too much too soon. I will sleep on it for another 24 hours I guess. Is it better to like go away by ourselves without the distraction of all his other friends too ?
guest569 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 I'm not that worried about the going away together. I'm more worried about dealing with his friends. Because I don't know anyone else. Ok, I misunderstood your post. You’re concerned about going away together because it involves meeting his friends. I think this is definitely too soon. 2 dates spread across 2 months and you’re already discussing sex, weekend away and meeting his friends? This is a lot of pressure and I can see why you’re hesitant because you’re unsure about the long term (which is perfectly reasonable after just 2 dates). If I were you, I would decline the trip away as it is the total opposite of taking things slowly. Meeting the friends is a big deal too and can be make or break for a new relationship and again puts pressure and tries to make the relationship more advanced than it is.
planb1973 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 GF and I just got back from out first trip together and..... I'm now single again.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 GF and I just got back from out first trip together and..... I'm now single again. What happened if you don't mind me asking? Like not specific details but do you think it was the trip that did it and how long have you guys been going out?
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 Ok, I misunderstood your post. You’re concerned about going away together because it involves meeting his friends. I think this is definitely too soon. 2 dates spread across 2 months and you’re already discussing sex, weekend away and meeting his friends? This is a lot of pressure and I can see why you’re hesitant because you’re unsure about the long term (which is perfectly reasonable after just 2 dates). If I were you, I would decline the trip away as it is the total opposite of taking things slowly. Meeting the friends is a big deal too and can be make or break for a new relationship and again puts pressure and tries to make the relationship more advanced than it is. Yeah I told him I didn't want to get in the way since he hasn't seen these friends for a long time, but he said it's all chill etc. So I don't know. I think we can handle the sex part fine. I'm okay if we do but I don't think he is the type of guy to pressure me if I don't want to. I'm okay sharing a room with him or even a bed it's not a big deal to me. It's more than 2 dates but less than 5 lol. We've discussed some heavy topics re: long term etc and talk hours every night for the past 2 months. We've been busy with work so haven't gone on that many other dates and I've been away. But yeah I just don't want this trip to over complicate things either. I guess in a way it's flattering that he likes me enough to want me to meet his friends? I don't know if I'm even ready for that step with my friends - not because I don't think he is good enough or anything. Just that last time I did that, it blew up really bad.
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 GF and I just got back from out first trip together and..... I'm now single again. Ah... I'm sorry.
d0nnivain Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Is it better to like go away by ourselves without the distraction of all his other friends too ? I would want to have a better sense of my relationship with him before I committed to a trip where I would be meeting his friends for the 1st time. You don't know him all that well yet & now yes, you would be "stuck" if it didn't go well. That is a lot of pressure. If you can gracefully bow out, I would but understand the delicacy & diplomacy involved. He may feel rejected. He is looking forward to showing off his new GF to the friends & integrating you into the circle so you backing away from that will be a problem for him.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Going on a trip with someone is, in my opinion, a GREAT way to test your compatibility. I once dated someone for three months (felt way longer than that lol) and we went on two trips together. Once to his friends' beach house for the weekend, which was pretty fun except the lady of the house escaped to the laundry room every hour or so to snort cocaine. We got along well enough, though. But then we went on a longer trip to another beach a month or so later, and I broke up with him when we got back. I learned a LOT about him that weekend. He got super drunk and practically assaulted a woman we'd met at a bar (untied her bikini top) and was generally being disrespectful to me (acting like a drunken frat boy). He went off on obnoxious tangents about celebrities he disliked. But the worst was that I discovered that he didn't brush his teeth. I could not wait to get back from that trip!! It should have been a major red flag that after spending a couple hours in a bar at the airport when our flight was delayed he became enamored with a group of college boys who were getting drunk at the bar, and who were going to be on our flight, and he was hoping we'd get to sit next to them and join in their revelry. (We didn't, thank God, but that attitude continued the entire trip) So, anyway, before we went on that trip I knew he was kinda a "big kid" in terms of personality. Children loved him and he was playful and goofy. But, I had no clue how "far" it went until I went on this trip with him. And even without all that, someone who doesn't brush their teeth has issues!
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 Thanks guys. I just don't want to get deserted if I have no one to talk to and he's so busy catching up with friends and ignores me. I mean that would be a red flag I guess but then I would have to like be stuck with him for like 3 whole days. I don't want to just stand here while he talks to his friends all day. But is that a good test of whether he will care about me being taken care of?
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 Like is it better to have known early on that if he's with his friends he would just desert me to feel neglected and end it early on.....rather than investing more in the relationship? But do I really want to be stuck in a different country for 3 days?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Like is it better to have known early on that if he's with his friends he would just desert me to feel neglected and end it early on.....rather than investing more in the relationship? But do I really want to be stuck in a different country for 3 days? Yes, I think it would be better to know that early on. However, I think the chances of that are slim.
planb1973 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 What happened if you don't mind me asking? Like not specific details but do you think it was the trip that did it and how long have you guys been going out? 8 days of being in a car on a road trip is a very long time! We had been dating for about 8 months, but schedules have limited us to a couple nights a week and just a handful of entire weekends together. Anyway on day 7 we got into an argument over something that had happened a couple days earlier. It was the first real argument we had ever had and I saw a side of her I did not know existed. Basically complete lack of healthy communication skills. Long story short we got back and she told me she cant do relationships right now. Being with someone for that long you really get to see the real them vs when you see them only a couple times a week. As for your situation I would probably go for it, but under the mindset to just go and have a good time. With the addition of his friends being there your alone time with him will be limited which could help as a buffer to having too much intimacy too soon. Keep it innocent and maybe plan some things to do by yourself so he has time to catch up with his friends and you avoiding the feeling of being a third wheel. For what its worth a couple years ago a woman I was on my second date with invited herself on a trip to Cuba I had planned. For some dumb reason I agreed even though I didn't even know her. We flew out 2 weeks later and had an absolute blast! Best trip I ever took with someone. We dated casually for a few more months and went our different directions as friends.
d0nnivain Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 I don't want to just stand here while he talks to his friends all day. But is that a good test of whether he will care about me being taken care of? No. In a social situation you need to be able to independently hold a conversation with new people. Small talk is a skill. You may see his manners on display (or have to deal with their conspicuous absence) but in a setting like that you are going to get an introduction & an occasional check in (as in are you OK, do you need another drink) but mostly you will be on your own while he catches up with people. Thus you have to already be secure with your place in his life in that you can't expect him to be glued to your side the entire time. If you are not good at intermixing with new people, I'd delay this meet that requires travel & a 3 day commitment. How does he behave when he introduces you to people locally? The idea that you even want to "test" him is big red flag for him & he should be cautious about dating you. The fact that you also see him interacting with his friends as deserting you is concerning. Granted wholesale abandoning you would be problematic but expecting you to be able to flow through the social setting without being glued to his side is not unreasonable.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 8 days of being in a car on a road trip is a very long time! We had been dating for about 8 months, but schedules have limited us to a couple nights a week and just a handful of entire weekends together. Anyway on day 7 we got into an argument over something that had happened a couple days earlier. It was the first real argument we had ever had and I saw a side of her I did not know existed. Basically complete lack of healthy communication skills. Long story short we got back and she told me she cant do relationships right now. Being with someone for that long you really get to see the real them vs when you see them only a couple times a week. As for your situation I would probably go for it, but under the mindset to just go and have a good time. With the addition of his friends being there your alone time with him will be limited which could help as a buffer to having too much intimacy too soon. Keep it innocent and maybe plan some things to do by yourself so he has time to catch up with his friends and you avoiding the feeling of being a third wheel. For what its worth a couple years ago a woman I was on my second date with invited herself on a trip to Cuba I had planned. For some dumb reason I agreed even though I didn't even know her. We flew out 2 weeks later and had an absolute blast! Best trip I ever took with someone. We dated casually for a few more months and went our different directions as friends. I'm sorry to hear about that but it sounds like it was for the best and it's good to know earlier on. I guess it's a balance between getting to know them and doing it at the right time.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 No. In a social situation you need to be able to independently hold a conversation with new people. Small talk is a skill. You may see his manners on display (or have to deal with their conspicuous absence) but in a setting like that you are going to get an introduction & an occasional check in (as in are you OK, do you need another drink) but mostly you will be on your own while he catches up with people. Thus you have to already be secure with your place in his life in that you can't expect him to be glued to your side the entire time. If you are not good at intermixing with new people, I'd delay this meet that requires travel & a 3 day commitment. How does he behave when he introduces you to people locally? The idea that you even want to "test" him is big red flag for him & he should be cautious about dating you. The fact that you also see him interacting with his friends as deserting you is concerning. Granted wholesale abandoning you would be problematic but expecting you to be able to flow through the social setting without being glued to his side is not unreasonable. It is a skill but it depends on if I'm going to a different country for something for his friends, then I think it's lame to do all that and pay for me and then not spend time with me. Anyways I have decided not to go, for many reasons including the things you guys mentioned but also the timing didn't work out anyways. It probably is too easy. I'm not "testing" him - I wasn't the one that I suggested to go on this trip. It's just that if he treats me that way, it is a natural test in itself.
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