Did i ruin things with this guy?

[Morris17]

Firstly, i just joined this site today so i don't know if this is the relevant place for this post.

 

I'm 25 years old and i've never had any experience with a guys before. I've been signed up to various dating sites for a number of years and i'd talk to guys and we'd bring up going on a date but it would never happen due to me getting scared.

 

Anyway, a few months ago i matched with and started talking to Thomas on Tinder. I'd spoken to Thomas originally on Plenty Of Fish sometime before that but the conversation fizzled out (he later told me that it was because it was a bad time back then.) I'd matched with Thomas because i remember getting on well with him the last time and he also lived really close to me, so i thought that would great if we were ever to date.

 

Again the conversation was going really well and we eventually followed each other on Instagram and started talking on there instead. We'd been talking for a few weeks when i bought up us meeting sometime and he wanted to but i got the impression it wasn't in a dating sense. The meeting thing was forgotten about and we just continued to talk to each other, sending a few messages to each other daily. As time went on i opened up to Thomas a lot about general life things. For example, i'm currently unemployed and have been finding it hard at times. When i was feeling down i would talk to Thomas and he'd give me advice and on multiple occasions he also sent me links to jobs that were going in the area. Aside from all that, we'd talk about our shared interests and our day to day life. As more time passed, Thomas started to like the posts i was uploading and he'd tell me in his messages that i looked pretty whenever i uploaded a selfie and i'd say the same back to him when he uploaded one.

 

Alongside talking to Thomas, i was still using tinder and talking to other guys and just under 2 weeks ago i joined the Bumble app and it was on the latter that i got talking to this guy called Tom a few days after joining. I fancied Tom from the start and we developed a conversation, a few days in i asked Tom if he wanted to meet sometime and he said he'd let me know when he was free.

Around that time me and Thomas also discussed meeting up and i asked him whether he would see it as a date or friends. He said a date and i agreed as i did think he was attractive and he's a lovely guy also.

So Tom messaged me last Saturday to tell me the days he was free to meet and i decided on Monday of this week so that i didn't have to wait long, thus making it less nerve wracking.

I also discussed further the meeting with Thomas and we talked about which day would be best and he said he would let me know early this week.

 

On Monday, i had the date with Tom (my very first ever date) and it went super well. We had great conversation and i fancied him just as much in person. After the date he messaged me on instagram saying that he had a nice time and we both agreed we'd like to see each other again.

That same day Thomas had messaged telling me that he was up for meeting this Friday and after having such a nice date with Tom i was unsure what to do.

 

Also, i'd told Thomas that i was talking to other guys a while ago and then last week i told him i was talking to another guy (Tom) so he knew about it and he did tell me he understood.

Because i'm very much single and new to the dating game i originally was planning on meeting with both guys and then seeing how it went with them both. But after my date with Tom and thinking things over i decided that it wasn't fair on Tom to see Thomas as i really did like Tom. And also it wasn't fair on Thomas to go on a date with him when i liked Tom so much. I thought about it for hours on Monday night and i talked to my Mum about things.

I decided the best thing for me to do was to message Thomas (as i said i don't have much experience with guys and dating so this action could have been wrong and probably was!) In the messaged i told him that i went on a date with the other guy and that i was seeing him again. That i felt really awful as we were meant to be having a date and that i liked talking to him and would still like to meet him but as a friend. I told him that i don't want to stop talking and that hopefully he wants to meet and to carry on talking.

 

You can probably guess the outcome... he never replied to me. He follows me on twitter too and as of this message he still follows me on both of the sites. I did notice that the tweets he'd favorited of mine had been unfavorited (mine were the only favorited tweets he had) so that's obviously very telling but he's not been active on twitter at all since the message i sent him and he hasn't posted on Instagram either. Yesterday i ended up sending him another message in which i said that he probably hates me now and that i felt terrible about what has happened. I told him to reply and tell me what he is thinking.

 

So i just need advice, i know it's my fault for saying i wanted a date and then changing my mind and in doing that i hurt his feelings hence him now not replying. I don't want to lose his friendship though, i do care about him even though it's not in that kind of way. I think also it's the fact that, with me never dating anyone before i was thinking too far ahead and was totally up for meeting both guys but when it came to down to me meeting Tom and i'd actually seen him in person and liked him, i just couldn't then go through with it with Thomas because i felt bad.

Do i give up on the friendship with Thomas, is there a chance he may reply in a few days? Would he have unfollowed me if he didn't want to know me anymore? Any advice would be appreciated.

Edited June 7, 2018 by Morris17
wrong word

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Firstly, i just joined this site today so i don't know if this is the relevant place for this post.

 

I'm 25 years old and i've never had any experience with a guys before. I've been signed up to various dating sites for a number of years and i'd talk to guys and we'd bring up going on a date but it would never happen due to me getting scared.

 

Anyway, a few months ago i matched with and started talking to Thomas on Tinder. I'd spoken to Thomas originally on Plenty Of Fish sometime before that but the conversation fizzled out (he later told me that it was because it was a bad time back then.) I'd matched with Thomas because i remember getting on well with him the last time and he also lived really close to me, so i thought that would great if we were ever to date.

 

Again the conversation was going really well and we eventually followed each other on Instagram and started talking on there instead. We'd been talking for a few weeks when i bought up us meeting sometime and he wanted to but i got the impression it wasn't in a dating sense. The meeting thing was forgotten about and we just continued to talk to each other, sending a few messages to each other daily. As time went on i opened up to Thomas a lot about general life things. For example, i'm currently unemployed and have been finding it hard at times. When i was feeling down i would talk to Thomas and he'd give me advice and on multiple occasions he also sent me links to jobs that were going in the area. Aside from all that, we'd talk about our shared interests and our day to day life. As more time passed, Thomas started to like the posts i was uploading and he'd tell me in his messages that i looked pretty whenever i uploaded a selfie and i'd say the same back to him when he uploaded one.

 

Alongside talking to Thomas, i was still using tinder and talking to other guys and just under 2 weeks ago i joined the Bumble app and it was on the latter that i got talking to this guy called Tom a few days after joining. I fancied Tom from the start and we developed a conversation, a few days in i asked Tom if he wanted to meet sometime and he said he'd let me know when he was free.

Around that time me and Thomas also discussed meeting up and i asked him whether he would see it as a date or friends. He said a date and i agreed as i did think he was attractive and he's a lovely guy also.

So Tom messaged me last Saturday to tell me the days he was free to meet and i decided on Monday of this week so that i didn't have to wait long, thus making it less nerve wracking.

I also discussed further the meeting with Thomas and we talked about which day would be best and he said he would let me know early this week.

 

On Monday, i had the date with Tom (my very first ever date) and it went super well. We had great conversation and i fancied him just as much in person. After the date he messaged me on instagram saying that he had a nice time and we both agreed we'd like to see each other again.

That same day Thomas had messaged telling me that he was up for meeting this Friday and after having such a nice date with Tom i was unsure what to do.

 

Also, i'd told Thomas that i was talking to other guys a while ago and then last week i told him i was talking to another guy (Tom) so he knew about it and he did tell me he understood.

Because i'm very much single and new to the dating game i originally was planning on meeting with both guys and then seeing how it went with them both. But after my date with Tom and thinking things over i decided that it wasn't fair on Tom to see Thomas as i really did like Tom. And also it wasn't fair on Thomas to go on a date with him when i liked Tom so much. I thought about it for hours on Monday night and i talked to my Mum about things.

I decided the best thing for me to do was to message Thomas (as i said i don't have much experience with guys and dating so this action could have been wrong and probably was!) In the messaged i told him that i went on a date with the other guy and that i was seeing him again. That i felt really awful as we were meant to be having a date and that i liked talking to him and would still like to meet him but as a friend. I told him that i don't want to stop talking and that hopefully he wants to meet and to carry on talking.

 

You can probably guess the outcome... he never replied to me. He follows me on twitter too and as of this message he still follows me on both of the sites. I did notice that the tweets he'd favorited of mine had been unfavorited (mine were the only favorited tweets he had) so that's obviously very telling but he's not been active on twitter at all since the message i sent him and he hasn't posted on Instagram either. Yesterday i ended up sending him another message in which i said that he probably hates me now and that i felt terrible about what has happened. I told him to reply and tell me what he is thinking.

 

So i just need advice, i know it's my fault for saying i wanted a date and then changing my mind and in doing that i hurt his feelings hence him now not replying. I don't want to lose his friendship though, i do care about him even though it's not in that kind of way. I think also it's the fact that, with me never dating anyone before i was thinking too far ahead and was totally up for meeting both guys but when it came to down to me meeting Tom and i'd actually seen him in person and liked him, i just couldn't then go through with it with Thomas because i felt bad.

Do i give up on the friendship with Thomas, is there a chance he may reply in a few days? Would he have unfollowed me if he didn't want to know me anywhere? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Dude was romantically interested in you, and you just shut his advances down,

You did it very maturely, so don't beat yourself up or go around wearing a frown!

He obviously likes you more than just a friend, so maybe just put this on ice,

besides, if you hit things off with Tom, you might end up stopping contact with him as a price.

[kendahke]

I don't want to lose his friendship though,

 

too late for that.

 

Do i give up on the friendship with Thomas, is there a chance he may reply in a few days? Would he have unfollowed me if he didn't want to know me anywhere? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I think you should leave Thomas alone.

 

Had he said he wanted to take you out as a friend, I think this could have been salvaged eventually. But he wanted to take you out as a potential romantic partner and you went and found someone else to take the spot after agreeing to go out with him as a date.

 

Thomas probably changed his twitter likes because doesn't want to be constantly reminded of the fact that you friendzoned him after building a level of emotional intimacy with him.

[nospam99]

Welcome to the world of online dating (OLD). In spite of being 'careful' to not be 'reeling in more than one fish' at a time, the same thing has happened to me before and is happening to me NOW! (Most women who are not interested simply never respond. If I am not seeing anyone, I don't make contact. If I don't get a response in 24 hours, I assume no interest. Lady A took four days to respond. Meanwhile Lady B 'jumped the line'. I am not responding to Lady A's messages and hoping if Lady B 'doesn't work out' it happens quickly.) For guys (ME) it may be a little 'touchier' because we get fewer opportunities. You may very well have 'lost' Thomas.

 

My suggestion(s):

- Don't contact or respond to any more guys while seeing Tom.

- If you and Tom don't 'work out', you can try sending a polite message to Thomas. Apologize. Point out that the nature of OLD is 'feast or famine' and you never know if someone is going to 'flake' i.e. make a date and not show up (he should know this VERY well). Ask if you and he can 'try again'.

 

When I first started reading your post I thought Tom and Thomas might be the same dude and what a comedy of errors that might have been.

 

Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

Thomas is a lost cause at this point. From his perspective it's 3 strikes & you're out. You didn't connect on POF; you have been talking on Tinder but apparently not fast enough, after agreeing to a date with him, you were foolish enough to tell him that you were talking to other men, went on a faster date with him & now are cancelled your date with Thomas in favor of the other guy.

 

You may not have experience dating but I would hope you have experience with kindness. You never gave poor Thomas a fair shake.

 

 

Since you have no commitment from guy # 2 you should have met Thomas in person then made a decision. Remember that for next time because I doubt #2 will turn into your life partner.

[coolheadal]

My dear what are you looking for dating or just hanging out with these guys? You never invite two men with you on a date. That wouldn't have worked then you did the worst thing you told one of the toms forget it. When you did that he got the message and never will contact you again or even trust you honesty with him. You're not ready to date anyone yet if your going about it this way which is the cool. Makes you look like your playing mind games with the fellow's. Your 25 never been with a man so you have to make sure these guy's are really into you for you and not for sex only. That's another thing you have to worry about. Never do this again okay. Then you should be fine when the time is right though!

[MidwestUSA]

My dear what are you looking for dating or just hanging out with these guys? You never invite two men with you on a date. That wouldn't have worked then you did the worst thing you told one of the toms forget it. When you did that he got the message and never will contact you again or even trust you honesty with him. You're not ready to date anyone yet if your going about it this way which is the cool. Makes you look like your playing mind games with the fellow's. Your 25 never been with a man so you have to make sure these guy's are really into you for you and not for sex only. That's another thing you have to worry about. Never do this again okay. Then you should be fine when the time is right though!

 

 

 

Where does she say she did that??!

 

OP, there's nothing wrong with multi dating, which is seeing more than one person (but NOT at the same time/place!)

 

 

Next time, don't tell ANY guy about other men you may be dating. You don't owe a perfect stranger those details. When you get to the point where you want to date one exclusively, you can choose and gently let others down. Odds are, none of them will end up as your life partner. You've never dated, and need the experience.

 

I get it, in this case, you decided you liked Tom enough to shut others down. And that's okay. Just don't count on Thomas as a rebound.

[Morris17]

Yes i've never dated before but everyone has to start somewhere. I know that the first guy i date probably won't be the one i end up with, i get that but everyone makes mistakes and i know i did wrong.

In my opinion because of how daunting i found the whole idea of dating, i was too scared to meet up with Thomas early on. What I've learned is that you need to act quick and not spend ages talking to someone otherwise you'll just get to the point where it never happens.

 

With regards to the 3 strikes your out comment, to be fair Thomas stopped replying to me on POF for his own reasons. I decided to message him again after we matched on Tinder.

I don't know whether it wasn't made clear but me and Tom are still talking and are meeting again next week for a second date.

 

I honestly didn't intend for things to turn out this way, to be honest there are people out there online dating who are dating multiple guys at the same time. That seems to be the norm with online dating. I didn't want to be that person and i feel so bad about what has happened, i've cried over the fact that i've hurt Thomas' feelings and probably ruined everything. I wish him all the best because he clearly didn't deserve me anyway.

[MidwestUSA]

Don't beat yourself up, OP.

 

You've never dated, I'm sure it felt overwhelming just to THINK about meeting Thomas after you'd already met Tom.

 

Give yourself time, you'll figure it out. And Thomas will survive. Like you said, he stopped communicating the first time. If he was truly interested, he should have pushed to meet you earlier.

 

Just go have fun with Tom for now!

[Morris17]

Where does she say she did that??!

 

OP, there's nothing wrong with multi dating, which is seeing more than one person (but NOT at the same time/place!)

 

 

Next time, don't tell ANY guy about other men you may be dating. You don't owe a perfect stranger those details. When you get to the point where you want to date one exclusively, you can choose and gently let others down. Odds are, none of them will end up as your life partner. You've never dated, and need the experience.

 

I get it, in this case, you decided you liked Tom enough to shut others down. And that's okay. Just don't count on Thomas as a rebound.

 

Thank you MidwestUSA for your comment. I was confused about the inviting 2 guys for the same date thing too! That's not what i was doing at all, I thought i'd read it wrong.

 

I thought i was being honest by telling Thomas what happened as i felt that was the best policy. But i have had a friend tell me the same about not owing a stranger those details about seeing another guy.

[Morris17]

Don't beat yourself up, OP.

 

You've never dated, I'm sure it felt overwhelming just to THINK about meeting Thomas after you'd already met Tom.

 

Give yourself time, you'll figure it out. And Thomas will survive. Like you said, he stopped communicating the first time. If he was truly interested, he should have pushed to meet you earlier.

 

Just go have fun with Tom for now!

 

It was like both the dates were a good idea in hindsight but in reality after meeting Tom it didn't feel right to go ahead with the date with Thomas.

 

I'm just having fun with this dating world right now and whatever happens happens.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't mean that you caused the 3 strikes. I understood he disappeared off POF for his own reasons but when this now didn't work he probably just figured never mind.

 

Everybody has to start somewhere & it can be daunting,

 

I did OLD very briefly more than a decade ago & absolutely HATED it. So I stopped doing it. I met my husband the old fashioned way -- in a bar, lol. It was really a business networking function being held in a bar but my 1st explanation is funnier.

 

My real point is when you are trying to make a decision about what to do, think about 2 things: how would you like to be treated if the rolls were reversed & what is the least painful way you can go about it.

 

 

Here you didn't give Thomas a fair shake. You met the other guy in person but not Thomas. Had you met Thomas & then picked the other guy they would have had the same chance with you. You didn't give Thomas the opportunity to woo you. Then you gave him too much info which hurt his feelings. You would have been better off skipping the explanation & just saying you changed your mind without telling him why. He then could have said, to himself, she's a flake; I dodged a bullet. It would have given him a face saving way out.

 

There will be more missteps as you learn about dating. Nobody gets everything right initially just be sensitive to the other person's feelings when you can.

[Lotsgoingon]

Just my view: you don't have to tell other people you are dating before things start heating up ... That you're going out with someone else (without commitment or exclusivity) is none of anyone's business ... until the relationship changes ...

 

You didn't do anything wrong, though ... I met a woman online once ... we were clicking and then she sent me a very nice note that she had met someone else and she wanted (I think these were her words) to see if something happened in that relationship.

 

I understood ... Honesty from her ... Clarity for me ... I let go and moved on.

 

Here's the thing ... for a moment, I told myself, "Oh ... maybe I'll be her friend." ... No ... I needed to keep away to let any further desires die down ... now if I ran into this woman, I could possibly be her friend ... (I haven't thought of her in years ... and bear no torch for her) ... But not right after she told me she was moving forward with someone else.

 

You may be a little naive on the "friendship" thing ... He was friendshipping you ... only to the extent, it seems, that he wanted to romance you ...

 

That's different that having a boyfriend ... meeting a guy and making clear you have a boyfriend (maybe he has a girlfriend) and it's clear from the jump that you are friends ...

[Romantic_Antics]

Dude was romantically interested in you, and you just shut his advances down,

You did it very maturely, so don't beat yourself up or go around wearing a frown!

He obviously likes you more than just a friend, so maybe just put this on ice,

besides, if you hit things off with Tom, you might end up stopping contact with him as a price.

 

This.

 

He wanted more than you did and felt rejected when he couldn't have it. It's very difficult to deal with having deeper feelings for someone than they have for you. Does anybody want to stick around for someone who doesn't reciprocate their same level of interest?

[act00]

Strike while the iron is hot. I'm sorry Thomas' feelings got hurt, but on round two of texting and meeting on a dating site, a date was not forthcoming. You exchanged messages for WEEKS. Your first attempt at drawing out a meeting was met with a lackadaisical response and meeting never happened. You continued on with other potential boyfriends through the app, and Tom entered the picture and within a couple weeks, you had a date lined up.

 

I understand how you feel and I understand Thomas dropping the ball at this point after you expressed your interest in keeping Tom on board and friendzoning Thomas. Let's not forget, however, that Thomas could have asked you out sooner or jumped on your suggestion of meeting...and he didn't. He was doing the pen-pal routine. The early bird gets the worm, and Thomas was not interested enough to actually meet you...weeks, OP...weeks went by, and by the sounds of it, a few months...so you got swooped up by someone else.

 

Don't expect Thomas to want to pick up this friendship. He had a goal of dating you (maybe, someday, and penpal seemed his desire), and dating is now out the window...at least for now. Let it go. If you're not interested in multidating, this is one of the end results, in that you lose a potential friend and even a potential boyfriend...later...if things don't work out with the other one. It is what it is, and you need to find acceptance with that. You choose who you think is the best one, and hope you made the right choices. Other men aren't going to stick around.

 

Thomas dropped the ball here in part by not taking you out sooner. He continued this texting with no meeting for way too long. You allowed it and didn't force the issue, ask him out, or pressure a meet. No meet, no text.

[smackie9]

Thomas dragged his feet meeting.....his frickin loss. There will always be a loser...it is what it is. It all part of dating. If you don't get in there asap, you lose out to someone else. This is on him, not you. As for Tom, you really like him, focus on him and have fun.