girlinNYC Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 (edited) The first guy I ever loved (through teenage years, I’m now 24) is slightly back in the picture since connecting on Facebook. He is single. He and I haven’t spoken in years, we still haven’t, however our mothers are best friends and catch up regularly. His mom and I have a very good relationship. I was on the receiving end of some minor workplace bullying a year or two ago, he heard about it (through our moms) and my mom told me he got super protective and agitated at the idea of me being in ‘danger.’ That at least made me think there’s some care there. It may not be love (obviously) but a protective instinct of sorts. I’m not too sure if the same feelings are there since the teenage version of yourself isn’t the same as the 24 year old adult version of yourself. Trust and loyalty is the number one thing in a relationship for me. I think what appeals to me about him is I know with 100% certainty, 10 times out of 10 he would never cheat as the ‘family’ connection and respect alone is there. I know I’m currently in a situation where I want to tell my best friend (guy from other posts) how I feel about him but since I have been unlucky in love over the past few years I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Without making childhood sweetheart come off as a back up plan, should I send him a how are you message down the track or leave it? Edited June 7, 2018 by girlinNYC
kendahke Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 The first guy I ever loved (through teenage years, I’m now 24) is slightly back in the picture since connecting on Facebook. He is single. He and I haven’t spoken in years, we still haven’t, however our mothers are best friends and catch up regularly. His mom and I have a very good relationship. I was on the receiving end of some minor workplace bullying a year or two ago, he heard about it (through our moms) and my mom told me he got super protective and agitated at the idea of me being in ‘danger.’ That at least made me think there’s some care there. It may not be love (obviously) but a protective instinct of sorts. I’m not too sure if the same feelings are there since the teenage version of yourself isn’t the same as the 24 year old adult version of yourself. Trust and loyalty is the number one thing in a relationship for me. I think what appeals to me about him is I know with 100% certainty, 10 times out of 10 he would never cheat as the ‘family’ connection and respect alone is there. I know I’m currently in a situation where I want to tell my best friend (guy from other posts) how I feel about him but since I have been unlucky in love over the past few years I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Without making childhood sweetheart come off as a back up plan, should I send him a how are you message down the track or leave it? Wouldn't this constitute multi-dating and not "traditional"--something about which you said you'd never do in another thread? 3
MWC BlondeKim Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 follow your heart at which you can at that stage of your life bing that you are not married. My high school heart throb happened to be black, (I am a white female), and due to family pressure did not date him longer and followed my heart. Now when I see him at high school reunions him and I wondered what if him and I had dated longer 2
introverted1 Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 I don't understand your goals. Do you actually want to be in a relationship or do you enjoy the "what if?" more? Because it seems as though you've had a plan for several months to tell your best friend that you have feelings for him, yet somehow, you haven't actually executed that plan. Now there's another "maybe" guy on the scene. You seem to spend a lot of time thinking about relationships and virtually no time actually trying to make one happen. I think understanding why might be revealing. 6
JuneL Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 Well said! I also see this pattern. I don't understand your goals. Do you actually want to be in a relationship or do you enjoy the "what if?" more? Because it seems as though you've had a plan for several months to tell your best friend that you have feelings for him, yet somehow, you haven't actually executed that plan. Now there's another "maybe" guy on the scene. You seem to spend a lot of time thinking about relationships and virtually no time actually trying to make one happen. I think understanding why might be revealing. 3
Author girlinNYC Posted June 7, 2018 Author Posted June 7, 2018 Wouldn't this constitute multi-dating and not "traditional"--something about which you said you'd never do in another thread? No, because I maintained in my post that it’s only dependent on what happens with my current situation. If I was intending on multi dating I wouldn’t be asking if I should go for it.
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 Without making childhood sweetheart come off as a back up plan, should I send him a how are you message down the track or leave it? It's entirely up to you. But I caution you that this isn't multi-dating 2 strangers on a get to know them basis. You have history with both men. They will eventually find out you were deciding between them & you will forever lose the one you don't pick from your life. The one you do pick may not like this behavior & then reject you after the fact. If you think you would be OK dating either, you need to make that choice now, before you speak up to either. IMO go for the PhD guy, friend who has been dropping hints. Reconnecting with a childhood sweetheart on social media alone only puts you in the category of somebody he used to know, not somebody he wants to pursue again. You tried dating him But it didn't work. Why go backwards in life?
Author girlinNYC Posted June 7, 2018 Author Posted June 7, 2018 I don't understand your goals. Do you actually want to be in a relationship or do you enjoy the "what if?" more? Because it seems as though you've had a plan for several months to tell your best friend that you have feelings for him, yet somehow, you haven't actually executed that plan. Now there's another "maybe" guy on the scene. You seem to spend a lot of time thinking about relationships and virtually no time actually trying to make one happen. I think understanding why might be revealing. 1. As per previous posts, I haven’t executed the plan yet because he has had a busy schedule with college and I have wanted to wait until he has a break, which is in a week. I don’t see how that’s such an abnormal concept or a pattern. 2. I would agree with your final paragraph if I was a male, but I don’t believe a female should be the one who should make it all happen. If the effort to make a relationship happen doesn’t come from both sides it won’t happen.
Author girlinNYC Posted June 7, 2018 Author Posted June 7, 2018 It's entirely up to you. But I caution you that this isn't multi-dating 2 strangers on a get to know them basis. You have history with both men. They will eventually find out you were deciding between them & you will forever lose the one you don't pick from your life. The one you do pick may not like this behavior & then reject you after the fact. If you think you would be OK dating either, you need to make that choice now, before you speak up to either. IMO go for the PhD guy, friend who has been dropping hints. Reconnecting with a childhood sweetheart on social media alone only puts you in the category of somebody he used to know, not somebody he wants to pursue again. You tried dating him But it didn't work. Why go backwards in life? Childhood guy and I never officially dated, it was more a ‘we like each other but we are too young’ kind of thing. I agree with what you say though, PhD guy is always my first choice and I still intend on saying how I feel next week regardless.
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 Then talk to PhD guy & keep your musings about the possibilities with the childhood sweetheart guy to yourself (well, & LS) If all falls apart feel free to turn to childhood sweetheart for comfort but NEVER tell him that is what happened. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 7, 2018 Posted June 7, 2018 Leave this alone, close the book and move onto the future. Things didn't work out for a reason and they can't be the same again because you're different people. 2
Author girlinNYC Posted June 7, 2018 Author Posted June 7, 2018 Then talk to PhD guy & keep your musings about the possibilities with the childhood sweetheart guy to yourself (well, & LS) If all falls apart feel free to turn to childhood sweetheart for comfort but NEVER tell him that is what happened. Yes, I guess things don’t happen for a reason. PhD guy and I haven’t spoken in about 4 days, there is exam period at his college at the moment and he has a lot of work to do before his break soon so I’m not concerned. I went to the same college and they tend to cram more work in amongst exams. I feel like anyone in my situation would normally be worried but I’m not? Calm to say the least. I think it’s because I’m being pragmatic and focusing solely on my action plan to tell him, not getting bogged down in anything except telling him how I feel. Excited to see how it goes.
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2018 Posted June 8, 2018 Since you know what he's doing why would you be worried? You know he is busy with exams. You are being understanding. Anybody who would be fretting wondering why somebody they aren't dating isn't all over them during this critical period . . . now that person would worry me. 2
Author girlinNYC Posted June 8, 2018 Author Posted June 8, 2018 Since you know what he's doing why would you be worried? You know he is busy with exams. You are being understanding. Anybody who would be fretting wondering why somebody they aren't dating isn't all over them during this critical period . . . now that person would worry me. Clinginess is definitely not a habit you’d want to adopt nor would it be attractive for a man. I’m glad I’m not stressed about it. I’ll send the ‘we should catch up’ message next week and let LS know how it goes. I may have to go away for work (not 100% set in stone yet) so all the more reason to tell him if I have to go temporarily. 1
introverted1 Posted June 8, 2018 Posted June 8, 2018 1. As per previous posts, I haven’t executed the plan yet because he has had a busy schedule with college and I have wanted to wait until he has a break, which is in a week. I don’t see how that’s such an abnormal concept or a pattern. . Isn't this the guy you've been thinking about telling of your feelings since last November? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/643822-do-i-tell-him-play-safe 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 8, 2018 Posted June 8, 2018 I think you are getting ahead of yourself with the childhood friend. You are musing he'd be a good relationship candidate because you know he'd be loyal, which may be true. But you also admit you two haven't spoken for years. You don't know if you'd even have romantic chemistry at this point, nor what he'd really be like as a boyfriend. I am wondering if you're renewed interest in him stems from the fact that things with the other guy don't seem to be progressing in the manner you'd hoped. 1
JuneL Posted June 8, 2018 Posted June 8, 2018 Isn't this the guy you've been thinking about telling of your feelings since last November? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/643822-do-i-tell-him-play-safe That’s probably a different guy. But I’m also very confused by the many similar threads. It’s especially odd that the OP would say she’s in love with the guy in some of these threads, when, they have not really started dating. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 That’s probably a different guy. But I’m also very confused by the many similar threads. It’s especially odd that the OP would say she’s in love with the guy in some of these threads, when, they have not really started dating. Sorry June, I didn’t realise not being in a relationship means your feelings for someone are automatically invalid. FYI, that old post is about a different guy. Irrelevant.
Author girlinNYC Posted June 9, 2018 Author Posted June 9, 2018 I think you are getting ahead of yourself with the childhood friend. You are musing he'd be a good relationship candidate because you know he'd be loyal, which may be true. But you also admit you two haven't spoken for years. You don't know if you'd even have romantic chemistry at this point, nor what he'd really be like as a boyfriend. I am wondering if you're renewed interest in him stems from the fact that things with the other guy don't seem to be progressing in the manner you'd hoped. Probably is a bit of that. Successful in my career life but with no one to share it with. Gets a bit lonely.
d0nnivain Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Sorry June, I didn’t realise not being in a relationship means your feelings for someone are automatically invalid. Your feelings aren't "invalid." It's just . . . well . . .love is generally more thought of as a bit of a 2 way street. Before people actually start dating, being really picky & specific the word love isn't the most accurate. It's more of a longing, a desire, a lust & intrigue. Part of the problem is that in English we only have the one word, love. Other languages have more words to distinguish the differences between how you feel about your favorite food, your grandmother & the person you would like to start dating. 1
JuneL Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Sorry June, I didn’t realise not being in a relationship means your feelings for someone are automatically invalid. FYI, that old post is about a different guy. Irrelevant. There are plenty of threads on here in which people are totally creeped out when someone they’re just getting to know would tell them “I love you.” I wasn’t the one to bring up this other guy. In fact, I thought (correctly) that it’s probably a different guy. But the other poster’s misunderstanding did bring up an observation, namely that you have this pattern of engaging in one-sided strong feelings with a guy without anything concrete going on. 3
smackie9 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 And this could be the reason why you are still single...your approach to dating and relationships. 1
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 I think you are getting ahead of yourself with the childhood friend. You are musing he'd be a good relationship candidate because you know he'd be loyal, which may be true. But you also admit you two haven't spoken for years. You don't know if you'd even have romantic chemistry at this point, nor what he'd really be like as a boyfriend. Also my first thought. There is never a guarantee that any relationship will work out or that one partner will not cheat. Be careful OP, that you don’t create a fantasy about this childhood friend. The reality could be very different than what you imagine it may be... 2
introverted1 Posted June 9, 2018 Posted June 9, 2018 Sorry June, I didn’t realise not being in a relationship means your feelings for someone are automatically invalid. FYI, that old post is about a different guy. Irrelevant. Actually, I would argue that it's quite relevant that in 6 months you've considered confessing "love" for 2 different guys, both of whom you know only as friends. Do you date? 1
Author girlinNYC Posted June 10, 2018 Author Posted June 10, 2018 And this could be the reason why you are still single...your approach to dating and relationships. Should I be a superficial/shallow serial dater?
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