My girlfriends paranoia is destroying us!

[Lotsgoingon]

What worries me is how worried you are about her reaction ... This tells me that she is already bullying you--and successfully so.

 

I do not think you have to use the word "paranoid" ... I think you can just explain that you have been unfairly accused and you don't feel there is enough trust to continue the relationship.

 

Be prepared for a blowup ... if she's been bullying you so far, then she knows she can bully you and there's a good chance you'll give in ... So prepare for a blistering attack ... a tongue lashing from her that is also designed to make you feel guilty and ungrateful ... and all of that.

 

My ex with mental illness would lash out something ferocious ... And me, playing the kind and nice guy and all of that, allowed myself to be manipulated by these outbursts.

 

Here's the thing ... most of the time we want partners to take the views of the other person seriously ... so that the couple can find a compromise that works for both ... But when someone has mental illness, the non-ill partner has to shift to 100 percent confidence in their own views ... in order to survive and not be harassed and manipulated. That's the shift you have to make.

 

It's an awkward shift (to fully reject the denials of a partner) but this focus on your own views is absolutely required for survival.

 

And dude, you might wanna consider some general relationship therapy --because it seems you went along with paranoid stories for multiple years ... before you dared to call into question the veracity of these stories.

 

You want to notice one-side stories (of EVERYONE treating the person badly) ... like ... within a week ... at most a couple of weeks ... and immediately stop dating ...

 

So you gotta update your software and self-confidence in your own judgement or else you'll find another person with problems that you ignore.

[Pigeonpino]

Again, some great comments from everyone. Thank you.

 

I do feel I have been emotionally affected by her accusations all these years and never confronted them head on the way I should have. It has taught me a lot about being with someone exhibiting this type of behaviour.

 

I obviously don't want to lose her and neither do I want this to hurt my approach in dealing with similar situations in the future.

 

No doubt SHE WILL blow up and probably try her best to cut me off with all communication from the moment I even attempt to rationalise the situation for her. In recent lines of communication with her, she wants a complete confession for all of my supposed misgivings over the course of our relationship - stuff I just can't give! I won't be bullied into that at all.

 

Damned if I do and damned if I don't. What a complete mess.

[Gaeta]

You speak like women stuck in domestic violence relationships. Afraid of losing *something* when there is nothing to lose and everything to gain by leaving.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, what are you losing? ...

 

In other words, you have already lost her. The mental illness has taken her ... You're just in denial ... She's BEEN gone ... But I am not being snooty because I once carried on conversations for years with a relative before it dawned on me that this person was mentally ill.

 

But with a partner, I'm sorry dude: you have to really blind yourself to not notice a partner's mental illness.

 

You have lost her ... She's gone .. as long as the illness is denied and untreated, she's not available for any kind of healthy relationship.

[dude360]

More than likely she has BPD. It doesn't matter whether you pics her or not, do you really want to start a family with a crazy person who will most likely transfer it to your kids. It's only gonna get worse. Over time she'll start to make you question your own sanity and you'll ever start to think you're the crazy one. She'll gaslight you from heaven to hell. Get out now while you haven't invested much.

[Lorenza]

Well OP, yours is just one more case of severe addiction to pain. For some reason, many of us can't imagine love without a certain amount of suffering, cause if we did, we could never be with the ones who hurt us. Be it due to a mental illness or pure manipulation, someone with a healthy perception of relationshipw wouldn't be able to love someone who hurt them so badly. Besides, you can't tell for sure how much of this "paranoia" your girlfriend can actually control. I've known people who acted mental only with the ones they perceived as weaker and could behave quite well with those who didn't tolerate their bs.

[Pigeonpino]

I agree I've been weak. Just didn't know how to deal with it, with it being my first major long term relationship and being on the verge of getting married.

 

Had to learn the hard way, I guess.

 

We are going to catch up later this week I hope and will tell her everything she needs (not what she wants) to hear, whether she wants to listen or not. It will be tough as I have been culpable to some degree in building her mental state to what it is today.

 

She has been a magnificent part of my life throughout our time together, but she has been unbearably difficult as well. I can't keep entertaining that side of her personality anymore. I won't. Else I will suffer in the long term.

 

She thinks the onus is on me to come clean about all my supposed misgivings and 'lies' when we do meet, but I won't be bullied into her pushing me to tell her what she 'wants to hear' or she is out of the relationship for good. The shoe is actually on the other foot and she is about to lose me... forever.

 

What a shame. What an absolute shame.

Edited June 12, 2018 by Pigeonpino
Edit

[Pigeonpino]

So an update of sorts.

 

I had a sit down talk with her a couple of weeks ago (in a park) and poured my feelings out completely with raw and heartfelt emotion. I even wrote a very long letter to give better context on the whole issue, as she was always difficult when communicating on the phone or through text. Even mentioning the PPD stuff as best as I could without blaming it all on that alone.

 

I thought I had some sort of breakthrough when we parted ways that evening, but the very next morning she text me that it was over and she could not handle lies about all the things I was accused of. She said she expected the truth (her truth) and a full blown confession, she couldn’t sleep at all that night and said her heart was broken.

 

If only she could see mine is breaking here, too.

 

To re-emphasis, when I say accused, we are sometimes talking about some irrational mind-boggling thoughts that I have never experienced in another human being before and as highlighted earlier in the thread.

 

There have certainly been several coincidental situations in our time together that might give someone with paranoid tendencies to feel the way she did and have those insecurities (I’m man enough to concede that), but that was mostly my own naivety in not knowing about her condition sooner. I would have taken preventative steps to ensure the coincidental stuff wouldn't of even been a feature in our relationship and would of steered clear completely of situations where she might have thought I was doing something.

 

She thinks I go through her phone, her bag, her emails, steal things of hers and so on. None of which is true. The list is was near endless and made me dread moments with her later in our relationship and where the next accusation might come from.

 

Even if we had a lovely day (which we had plenty of), an accusation would sometimes come out of nowhere and I could do nothing else but have to defend myself. What else could I do? Especially when I had not done anything wrong.

 

I was devastated when she sent the text that next morning as I was preparing for work. Felt like someone had punched me in the gut…

 

So I did the unthinkable....

 

I spoke to her on the phone that same evening, after we arranged it through phone earlier in the day, and decided I would pretend I did all that she says I did to see how she would react as well as see if this was something I could actually do. The whole experience was a complete mindf**k and the most surreal experience of my life. I was lying about stuff I had not done to make her happy that she was right all along. I could feel myself losing my mind after each accusation was probed by her deeper.

 

The worst part was when she was asking about specifics surrounding each accusation. Some were fine and I was able to blag them, but there were others where I had no information to go by and had make stuff up as best I could to she could be somewhat satisfied with the answer.

 

I sold my soul. I sold my soul for love and not wanting to lose this woman out of my life. Biggest mistake I think I might have ever made.

 

Can anyone relate to this? As I’ve tried to seek answers all over the internet. But most stories are about cheating or infidelity, which neither of us are going through.

 

Over the last 2 weeks it has psychologically damaged me like nothing else has in my entire life. Like pretty much made me start to question my own life value and all manners of feelings I'd never felt before. I was numb before with this all going on, but now I am in a very dark and troubled place. And all because I wanted to save our relationship....all because I was afraid to let go. All because I am still very much in love.

 

Now I am planning on how I go about turning this back around, as she is considering it all herself and having some space to think about the 'trust issues'. She is currently on holiday for a couple of weeks out of the country with family. I already fear she’ll return and end the relationship anyway.

 

So me as I am, I have written another letter. Though this time explaining that I can't be with her anymore. I can't be with someone who has these issues and is not willing to put in the work to look at things objectively. That the power has always been in her hands to work these things out if she really too a moment to think about them.

 

Of course, I don’t want to lose this woman. I know she doesn’t want to lose me too, but obviously her trust issues in me are not helping my case at all. She thinks I did all this stuff because I don’t trust her….go figure. The really silly thing is that I DO TRUST HER. I have always trusted her!!

 

I am feeling numb now every day, I am sleeping poorly (often just 2-3 hours a night) and not sure if I’ll ever recover from this moment in my life.

 

How does one now turn this around? I’m resigned to losing her no matter what I do, but I am begging anyone in this 11th hour to provide me with some sort of reassurance or a miracle story that I can get through this and have a relationship with what I still consider to be my soul mate at the end of it.

 

I fight for things I care about.

 

I am still trying to fight for us.

[PegNosePete]

I am begging anyone in this 11th hour to provide me with some sort of reassurance or a miracle story that I can get through this and have a relationship with what I still consider to be my soul mate at the end of it.

You can totally get through this. You absolutely can have a great relationship with someone you consider to be your soul mate. But it's not her.

 

The longer you stay with her, the more your mind will be warped. You will think this treatment is normal. It will become entrenched in your psyche and it will affect your future relationships and your own mental state. You need to get out as soon as possible!

 

When you meet someone who is normal, it will be such a breath of fresh air. You can't see it right now because you're in the thick of it, but when you look back you will see how bad this current relationship really was.

[kendahke]

She is a compassionate person with a good heart 95% of the time

 

That's like saying "he's a good dad 95% of the time... the other 5% he's beating the children. Maybe I can get him to see things my way..."

 

She's broken and you aren't equipped to fix her, which is why you came here in the first place. Only a professional therapist can fix her and that's what she needed all this time, not a boyfriend.

 

Re-read Lotsgoingon's posts everytime an excuse for her behavior rises up in you.

 

And all because I wanted to save our relationship....all because I was afraid to let go.

 

Anything done with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome.

 

How does one now turn this around? I’m resigned to losing her no matter what I do, but I am begging anyone in this 11th hour to provide me with some sort of reassurance or a miracle story that I can get through this and have a relationship with what I still consider to be my soul mate at the end of it.

 

There is no magic pill recipe you can cook up and give her to make her flip into someone she has no interest or inclination on being. You and this chick are not compatible. She cannot make herself happy---how can she make you happy?

 

I fight for things I care about.

 

I am still trying to fight for us.

 

Incompatibility requires fighting. It requires someone give up who they are just to say "I got a man/woman".

 

You shouldn't have to fight for anything in a healthy relationship. Negotiate, yes. Fight, no. It should dovetail nicely with no force or angst. If you have to force someone to be who they aren't, it's only a matter of time before they revert back to whom they cannot help being: themselves on their terms. You don't want to accept her terms and she doesn't accept your terms, so that's why you're mistaking this unnecessary struggle for love. This is a power trip, not love. Both of you are vying for the upper hand and she's clever enough to know how to manipulate you to get her way. I mean, you see she's not here posting about the prospect of losing you...

Edited July 16, 2018 by kendahke

[Pigeonpino]

Reality hurts!

 

Obviously I will do whatever it takes to save the relationship. Make one last desperate attempt to say what I need to say and pray to God she gets it. She is certainly attempting to do the same, albeit under circumstances that are largely of all her own doing with the irrational overthinking and fears she has of me.

 

Maybe she can never be fixed. Maybe I am letting myself in for a world of hurt in the long run. Will have to see.

 

I don't want it to end as this was the woman I wanted to marry. This was a woman that still has all the redeeming qualities that make me smile when we spend time with one another.

 

It is very hard to let all that go so easily and under such acrimonious circumstances. Just as I thought we'd turned a significant corner in our lives with our careers and plans for the future.

 

I guess I am still looking for that "magic pill" if someone does have a similar situation that they managed to overcome.

[kendahke]

I need to say and pray to God she gets it.

 

What if God's answer is that you two need to break up and how many more examples does He have to send for you to get the message?

 

Obviously I will do whatever it takes to save the relationship. Make one last desperate attempt to say what I need to say and pray to God she gets it. She is certainly attempting to do the same, albeit under circumstances that are largely of all her own doing with the irrational overthinking and fears she has of me.

 

Maybe she can never be fixed. Maybe I am letting myself in for a world of hurt in the long run. Will have to see.

 

I don't want it to end as this was the woman I wanted to marry. This was a woman that still has all the redeeming qualities that make me smile when we spend time with one another.

 

It is very hard to let all that go so easily and under such acrimonious circumstances. Just as I thought we'd turned a significant corner in our lives with our careers and plans for the future.

 

I guess I am still looking for that "magic pill" if someone does have a similar situation that they managed to overcome.

 

It doesn't exist--that's what I and everyone else here is trying to get through to you. What you seek doesn't exist with emotionally healthy people.

 

What you're going to have to do is resign yourself to the fact that who/what you have now is the best she's going to get and be quiet and content with what/who you have.

 

If you can't get with that as it is right now and accept it as it is right now, then you need to bail and not waste your youth on someone that you know TODAY really isn't a good fit. 20 years from now when all the cuties are swiping left on you will be too late.

 

Be careful for what you ask for---you might get it.

Edited July 16, 2018 by kendahke