My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me- :(

[Issy90]

Hi guys,

 

Apologies because this is going to be a long one.

 

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago and I am really struggling. We were best friends for years before getting together, and in a relationship for 5 years (living together for 4). He is 26 and I am 25.

 

The way we got together should probably have been a massive red flag so that’s a big lesson learned. He had a girlfriend in another city that he had been with between the ages of 18 and 20. They hardly saw each other and they had problems that I don’t know much about but one evening he called me and said he was unhappy with her and had feelings for me. I declined and encouraged him to try and work things out with her but the point is he had feelings while in a relationship and voiced them. They tried to make things work but they broke up shortly afterwards and he continued to pursue me. I again declined, due to being such good friends, but after a few months we ended up seeing each other, eventually becoming official. I believed we had fallen in love over the years as friends without even noticing.

 

Our relationship was really easy most of the time and felt almost perfect for 4.5 years of it. We were very much in love and happy. We did everything together, graduating together, moving to 3 different cities, travelling, supporting each other other through bereavements and the loss of jobs and generally just enjoying each other’s company. He remained my best friend and we were each others first loves. But we did have some tough times. He suffers with anxiety and depression, often having panic attacks. During these times he would tell me that I was the best thing in his life and it was a lot of pressure. I supported him through them probably helping too much but encouraged him to get outside help too (very limited success with that).

 

Towards the end of the relationship we had a really tough time due to the stress of multiple things. He was unwell and had been for many months, we were looking to move house and and we were both made redundant. I helped him so much with job applications, etc, but he became really difficult to be around. He started saying he was having a weird time and felt low, and he kept drinking despite this affecting his illness and would complain about it the next day. He freaked out at the difference of saying “I love you” and “I am in love with you” and he started to look at pictures of girls on Instagram and seemed less into me, though when I became upset about it he fought for us. He continued to talk about marriage and kids, even asking what rings I liked and telling my friend he needed her help. We also signed a 2 year flat lease, saying we would start saving for our own place. So all in all it was a confusing few months and I put it down to the external stress which was naive.

 

Anyway, he started a new job and his colleagues showed him a lot of attention. He started drinking with them all and doing drugs even though he was still unwell. He called me having panic attacks while on drugs and I didn’t want to enable him so was less supportive. I became more snappy and would bicker with him. He was annoyed I didn’t understand how important partying was for him and I was annoyed it was more important than us and his health. I always described him as being on the fence between adult and child and it seemed he had fallen off. He said “everyone at work thinks I’m 21” and when talking about our new flat (which he pushed for originally) he would sarcastically say “oh yeah that’s what I want, adult life”.

 

Then one day, while on a come down, he said he had doubts about us. I became upset and he backtracked saying it was his depression and not me. I was really emotional (thought I was pregnant and hadn’t told him- never did because I wasn’t) for 4 days and he said that me crying made it worse. We decided to draw a line under it because he was insistant he felt the same as ever and we then moved into our new flat and on the first evening he needed to work. He didn’t come home. Instead he went to a girl from works house. She is 21 and he said she’s funny and likes to go out. He ignored my calls until 6am that morning until he finally answered. He’d taken drugs and lied to me about where he was. When he got home he cried, shouting that he didn’t care about anything, that he was a bad person and that nothing could help him. He insisted nothing happened and he had no feelings but said I’d upset myself if I contacted this girl. There were suspicious phone calls to her that night and he deleted texts.

 

I accused him of cheating, he denied it and went to a hotel. After a few hours he called me and said he had cried immediately after leaving, that we were a team and he needed my help, that he knew 100% he wanted to be together and couldn’t bare to spend a night apart. He came home but the next day went away for a week with work and when he came back he was distant again. He cried in the cinema at a scene where someone was depressed and he kept saying he was scared we could never be normal again. Eventually he said I make him sadder and we went on a break. 3 days later he broke up with me.

 

He was vague about why but I pushed for answers over the next few days. He that we weren’t working and he knows we were happy but somethings happening to him and he can’t remember. He said he needed to be on his own because he never has been. He said that I was his best friend and our relationship was the happiest years of his life but we fizzled out. He said he wants to go out more. He said he was thinking about marriage and how we were about to get engaged and he decided he doesn’t want that with me anymore. He said he’d had some form of doubts for months but they started slow and we were good so he dismissed them but he couldn’t anymore. He continued to deny anyone else is involved and wanted to stay friends.

 

After breaking up I made the classic mistake of crying down the phone to him and sending him lots of messages for the first few days and then I stopped. When I stopped he turned up where I was staying in the middle of the night, drunk, and upset. He cried when I asked him to leave saying “everything is better when I am on my own” but he wouldn’t leave and was very affectionate (hugging me, kissing my cheek, calling me pet names and trying to lie in my lap). Then the next day he went back to being cold and said he definitely wanted to be broken up and didn’t want to discuss it anymore. It sent me back and I did contact him a few times in the following weeks but I have now been in NC for a month.

 

I guess I just don’t know what to make of it all. I’m convinced he is with this colleague and it is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. I feel like he thinks the grass is greener without me, and maybe it is, but I don’t know how to feel better about this. He was my first everything and my best friend and I can’t understand how we reached this point because honestly we were so so happy and then suddenly something changed. I would have done anything for him which is why I am now leaving him alone, because that is what he wants. If anyone has any advice it would be so appreciated.

Edited June 5, 2018 by Issy90

[BluesPower]

I guess I just don’t know what to make of it all. I’m convinced he is with this colleague and it is one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. I feel like he thinks the grass is greener without me, and maybe it is, but I don’t know how to feel better about this. He was my first everything and my best friend and I can’t understand how we reached this point because honestly we were so so happy and then suddenly something changed. I would have done anything for him which is why I am now leaving him alone, because that is what he wants. If anyone has any advice it would be so appreciated.

 

Listen, you are young and this hurts... I get that.

 

So his illness is that he is bi-polar, right, or has he been diagnosed?

 

As much as this hurts, it is for the best. He cheated on you whatever the reason is.

 

You tried to beg him back, bad move. You should be glad that it did not work.

 

Take some time, learn what a healthy relationship looks like, and heal.

 

Then when you are ready, start dating again.

 

And listen, don't date someone like him, he has issues that you cannot fix no matter how hard you try.

 

The first thing to learn on your new path... you cannot fix other people.

Edited June 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Shortened reply instead of entire quote ~ V

[d0nnivain]

The relationship ran it's course. If he's off drinking too much & doing drugs despite his ill heath, you really don't need to watch him crash & burn. You can't stop him from self destructing.

 

Plus if you think he's cheating on you, the trust is gone. Without trust there is no relationship.

 

You may be missing him but you are missing the old him, the good guy who was a good BF. The man he is now is not a good guy so let him go. Then when you are ready you can go off & find a quality BF

[Issy90]

Listen, you are young and this hurts... I get that.

 

So his illness is that he is bi-polar, right, or has he been diagnosed?

 

As much as this hurts, it is for the best. He cheated on you whatever the reason is.

 

You tried to beg him back, bad move. You should be glad that it did not work.

 

Take some time, learn what a healthy relationship looks like, and heal.

 

Then when you are ready, start dating again.

 

And listen, don't date someone like him, he has issues that you cannot fix no matter how hard you try.

 

The first thing to learn on your new path... you cannot fix other people.

 

 

Thank you for replying so fast!

 

I completely agree with you that the relationship was so unhealthy at the end. I was constantly trying to figure out where my boundaries were and trying not to enable him to take drugs and drink, and in turn cause himself to have panic attacks.

 

He isn’t diagnosed as bi-polar or anything like that, though it has been suggested by a few people (psychs that I know) since the break up. Obviously we can’t diagnose anything but other things he was doing in the last few months (including spending money recklessly, not sleeping much and was much more confident/less phased by things that would usually bother him hugely) also made me think something was going on.

 

His illness I was talking about though was a physical one. He was undergoing investigations for months and had convinced himself it was cancer. It wasn’t and it was treatable but while taking antibiotics he would drink, which can cause the problem in the first place. He took 3 lots of antibiotics over a period of 5 months and they weren’t working but he kept doing things to make it worse and it was so hard to watch and listen to his complaining.

 

I didn’t ask for him back at any point, but that’s how it would have seemed. I would say to him that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me, but that I’m really hurt and miss him a lot. I would say I don’t think he gave us a chance by keeping his thoughts to himself. It still would have come across as pathetic and I’m embarrassed.

 

I stupidly believed nothing was going on, maybe because I just wanted to, but now I am accepting that something is happening between them and it makes me feel so small to be discarded like that and then lied to. I also feel really silly for not paying attention to how we started and trusting him so blindly. He was the one that would check my phone and tell me he was worried I was going to run off because he thought being my first I would want to experience more. I never did.

[BluesPower]

Thank you for replying so fast!

 

I completely agree with you that the relationship was so unhealthy at the end. I was constantly trying to figure out where my boundaries were and trying not to enable him to take drugs and drink, and in turn cause himself to have panic attacks.

 

He isn’t diagnosed as bi-polar or anything like that, though it has been suggested by a few people (psychs that I know) since the break up. Obviously we can’t diagnose anything but other things he was doing in the last few months (including spending money recklessly, not sleeping much and was much more confident/less phased by things that would usually bother him hugely) also made me think something was going on.

 

His illness I was talking about though was a physical one. He was undergoing investigations for months and had convinced himself it was cancer. It wasn’t and it was treatable but while taking antibiotics he would drink, which can cause the problem in the first place. He took 3 lots of antibiotics over a period of 5 months and they weren’t working but he kept doing things to make it worse and it was so hard to watch and listen to his complaining.

 

I didn’t ask for him back at any point, but that’s how it would have seemed. I would say to him that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me, but that I’m really hurt and miss him a lot. I would say I don’t think he gave us a chance by keeping his thoughts to himself. It still would have come across as pathetic and I’m embarrassed.

 

I stupidly believed nothing was going on, maybe because I just wanted to, but now I am accepting that something is happening between them and it makes me feel so small to be discarded like that and then lied to. I also feel really silly for not paying attention to how we started and trusting him so blindly. He was the one that would check my phone and tell me he was worried I was going to run off because he thought being my first I would want to experience more. I never did.

 

Just try to heal... it will take time, but just learn from this.

 

Your boundaries need to start with this, you don't date guys the use drugs and drink too much.

 

If they drink responsibly, and tie one on occasionally, OK that is fine.

 

If they smoke a little pot where it is acceptable, OK.

 

Anything past that is NOT COOL.

 

His behavior is kind of typical Manic Depression also called Bi-polar.

 

You can Google it, the behaviors are there.

 

The other thing to learn is this, you can love someone that has issues, but in the end, nothing you can do will fix them.

 

It is better to not date them, as harsh as that sounds...

[ExpatInItaly]

He is on a downward spiral, and it's going to be so much better that he's not taking you down with him.

 

What kind of drugs is he doing? (that you know of, of course)

 

I think this is a culmination of a lot of different factors that all came crashing together: a guy who is not ready to settle down, a guy who's not emotionally stable, a guy who's got a keen interest in alcohol and drugs, and a guy who's got his eye on a co-worker.

 

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. You deserve much better than a guy who is on a path of self-destruction.

[Issy90]

He is on a downward spiral, and it's going to be so much better that he's not taking you down with him.

 

What kind of drugs is he doing? (that you know of, of course)

 

I think this is a culmination of a lot of different factors that all came crashing together: a guy who is not ready to settle down, a guy who's not emotionally stable, a guy who's got a keen interest in alcohol and drugs, and a guy who's got his eye on a co-worker.

 

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. You deserve much better than a guy who is on a path of self-destruction.

 

Thank you, these forums have been so great to read but this is the first I’ve posted. The support is so appreciated.

 

Yeah so I don’t know exactly what he is taking but I know he has got into cocaine since his new job because he had a panic attack after a big night out with work and told me he needed me but knew it was his own fault for taking cocaine. I didn’t support him through it how I would a panic attack that he didn’t bring on himself because I was worried it would just keep it all going.

 

It’s so horrible that after 10 years knowing each other and a 5 year relationship he can cheat with someone he met a month before. And I still felt worried about him and kept putting him above myself. Lesson learnt!

[Issy90]

Just try to heal... it will take time, but just learn from this.

 

Your boundaries need to start with this, you don't date guys the use drugs and drink too much.

 

If they drink responsibly, and tie one on occasionally, OK that is fine.

 

If they smoke a little pot where it is acceptable, OK.

 

Anything past that is NOT COOL.

 

His behavior is kind of typical Manic Depression also called Bi-polar.

 

You can Google it, the behaviors are there.

 

The other thing to learn is this, you can love someone that has issues, but in the end, nothing you can do will fix them.

 

It is better to not date them, as harsh as that sounds...

 

You’re completely right and I know it was much more than that and fairly regular too. I keep telling myself I can’t fix him or change this- hard pill to swallow!

[Issy90]

The relationship ran it's course. If he's off drinking too much & doing drugs despite his ill heath, you really don't need to watch him crash & burn. You can't stop him from self destructing.

 

Plus if you think he's cheating on you, the trust is gone. Without trust there is no relationship.

 

You may be missing him but you are missing the old him, the good guy who was a good BF. The man he is now is not a good guy so let him go. Then when you are ready you can go off & find a quality BF

 

I know you’re right. So hard watching him self destruct when I care so much about him but I know what you’re saying makes so much sense. I have to let him go because he isnt the person that I thought I knew anymore!

[Issy90]

So I don’t know if people will still be checking this thread but a few things have happened over this past few months. At the time of writing the original post we had been in N.C. for a month and that lasted 2 months in total until I saw his colleague had met his brother. At this point I asked that he call me and I calmly asked him for the truth. He ended up telling me that “stuff has happened recently” between them but insisted it was recent and that he didn’t know what it was. I told him that I couldn’t believe it was recent given his behaviour over the break up and her involvement and that either way it was disgusting to me. We weirdly had a catch up about other things before ending the conversation- he told me he was starting therapy because of me making him realise he needed help, that he is going out 4/5 a week and that drinking helps him sleep. And I thought that would be it. As heartbroken as I was that he had moved on so quickly, perhaps even overlapping with our relationship, I finally knew that there was something and it felt like some closure.

 

A few days after this call he messaged me randomly saying “I miss you”. Now I assumed he was drunk, despite the text being relatively early in the evening. I didn’t reply- I mean what is there to say when something is happening with someone else? So I left it for a week but it was on my mind. Unfortunately I got drunk at a festival and called him a week later. I started off angry then turned incredibly sad. We both cried a lot and I told him I regretted the whole relationship. I said felt like this girl had everything I didn’t and that the relationship must have been toxic and nothing like I thought it was. He said that isn’t true, that the relationship was perfect and that I was perfect (obviously not the case as nothing is). He said that this girl is nothing and that I am everything. He said she isn’t me. Yet he still said they are seeing each other and he said it would be a bad idea for us to meet up.

 

The next day he text me all day and then later in the day became drunk and stared to beg to see me. He called, FaceTimed, texted. I answered the phone and told him I couldn’t see him and I was going out with a friend. I told him “you have moved on” to which he said “I haven’t moved on!” He told me that he is working all of the time but “there isn’t enough work” to stop him thinking about “normal things”. He said he puts his headphones in and plays music as loud as it will go to stop him from having to think or hear his thoughts. He said he hated it all. I encouraged him to go home and later received an “I miss you” text again.

 

The next morning he text and apologised and asked me to block his number but we ended up chatting all day. Then the next day I woke up to a text from him and we spoke all day again, then the same the day after. I eventually said I couldn’t do it. I said I felt uncomfortable talking when things were happening with someone else and that I was still really hurt by that and not able to be his friend. He replied pretty detached and said he would try not to contact me. N.C. take two- and we have now not spoken for 2 weeks.

 

I feel like this is a breakdown of some sort. What I can’t understand though is why he is able to see someone else who supposedly is “nothing” at the expense of our relationship. And I’m struggling to see whether this is all due to the relationship ending or whether his mental health is actually responsible for it ending in the first place. Thoughts?

[ExpatInItaly]

Stay away unless you're ready to have your heart broken all over again.

[Veronica73]

I have no idea why he is doing what he is doing. But based on what you have written, I think he is a deeply messed-up, broken person, and you are better off without him. Maybe you can be friends someday, but you deserve much better as a partner. I think there is something fundamentally wrong with this guy. Personally, I don’t think you should waste anymore time or energy trying to figure him out. He’s messed up. That’s the main point. If he ever figures out what is wrong with him, he can come to you and apologize for being a messed up ass and regret it. But if that ever happens, you should have moved on and have made a good life for yourself without him. Hopefully with somebody reliable and trustworthy.