Jems Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 Basically we’ve been talking for almost 3 months. We’ve been to each other’s house. Slept over. Blah blah... I don’t wanna keep doing this and let him be comfortable with just coming over and not taking me out or planning things that don’t need to be pricey or out of the world. I also don’t wanna go over to his and stay over all the time. I can honestly say that I’ve been setting the pace and just taking it slow and casual because I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago and didn’t wanna jump from one relationship to another. So I didn’t mind just chilling and kicking back but at this point I wanna be taken out and made feel a little special : ) How do I get out of this couch dating / Netflix and chill situation? Like when he asks me if I can cook for him and if he can come over to see me.. what do I say without seeming like I’m rude, overthinking it, demanding more, or wanting him to work for me. I dont want him to feel like he has to take me out cause I want him to. I want him to do it on his own. So clearly I have to stop letting him come over and send subtle hints his way. I need overall advice with this situation. How do I convey this without scaring him away or seeming too needy or pushy? I just wanna be myself which is a very chill - never forcing or stressing anything kind of girl. Also he’s 28, he’s not dumb and I think he can really figure it out on his own without me having to ask to be taken out. I wanna avoid having to ask to be taken out...but if communicating that is the best thing than lmk ! I just need some good advice !
stillafool Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 When he asks to come over just say "I want you to take me out." Why is it hard for you to tell him what you want? You said you didn't want to jump from one relationship to another but that's exactly what you did. You should be out enjoying life with friends and meeting new people. Not sitting around watching TV with some guy that doesn't want to take you out. I hope you aren't having sex with him. 3
clia Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 How do I get out of this couch dating / Netflix and chill situation? Like when he asks me if I can cook for him and if he can come over to see me.. what do I say without seeming like I’m rude, overthinking it, demanding more, or wanting him to work for me. I dont want him to feel like he has to take me out cause I want him to. I want him to do it on his own. Good luck. You've established the routine, so it is going to be very difficult to get him to "do it on his own." He's already getting what he wants out of this -- you cooking for him and a casual Netflix and chill evening. And really, for all he knows, you like staying in. You need to speak up if you want something different. So clearly I have to stop letting him come over and send subtle hints his way. IMO, subtle is not an option at this point. You should suggest things, like "I see X festival is going on this weekend. We should go." or "I would really like to try X restaurant," or "I'm craving X food tonight, let's go to X restaurant," or "So and so is playing tonight, we should go," etc., and see how he responds. I need overall advice with this situation. How do I convey this without scaring him away or seeming too needy or pushy? I just wanna be myself which is a very chill - never forcing or stressing anything kind of girl. Also he’s 28, he’s not dumb and I think he can really figure it out on his own without me having to ask to be taken out. I wanna avoid having to ask to be taken out...but if communicating that is the best thing than lmk ! I just need some good advice ! Why can't you just say "Why don't we go out tonight instead" when he suggests staying in? I don't think that's demanding at all. Don't be so afraid to ask for what you want. 2
stillafool Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 Stop cooking for him. You are not his girlfriend so don't act like one. 4
Art_Critic Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 It's going to sound like it was too easy but... Just tell him.. If you are looking to change gears then you need to change gears.. don't sex him up if you aren't getting what you want out of the deal either... The deals cut both ways and both partners needs still need to be considered or the other is just getting used.
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 Did you ever actually date? When you first met, did he take you to coffee, and the movies, or out to dinner? Or, has it always just been Netflix and chill? I will simply say to my boyfriend, "it's been a while since we've gone out and had some fun..." That's his cue. 1
Author Jems Posted June 5, 2018 Author Posted June 5, 2018 FYI, he asked me , are we in a relationship? and I said “ no, I don’t think so. I’m not ready just yet.” So he told me to let him know when I’m ready to be in a relationship. He also asked me out to eat maybe once but I had already eaten..maybe he doesn’t take rejection well. Another time he asked to take me to Dave and buster with his best friend but I was having a really bad day so we went to my place instead. Then he asked me one time if I wanted to go to the movies and I said I had already seen them all. I wasn’t nasty about it but I was just kinda annoyed because I don’t want him to ask me. I just want him to take me and take initiative. I feel like I’ve rejected him a little unintentionally and I’m trying to fix it without seeming too needy..just kinda lost when it comes to actually finding a solution lol
PegNosePete Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 The only way to stop it is to... stop it. Just say no thanks I'd rather do X. If he doesn't want to do X then I guess your relationship will come to an end rather quickly. 1
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 Men don't get hints so forget about your plan. You trained him at staying in to eat and watch tv so he's going with the program. He will do that as long as you don't offer something else because he thinks that's what you want. Just say it's summer and you want to enjoy it! Let's go to the park, let's go to the pool, let's have a picnic, let's check that outside concert, etc etc. It's that easy. 2
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 (edited) FYI, he asked me , are we in a relationship? and I said “ no, I don’t think so. I’m not ready just yet.” So he told me to let him know when I’m ready to be in a relationship. He also asked me out to eat maybe once but I had already eaten..maybe he doesn’t take rejection well. Another time he asked to take me to Dave and buster with his best friend but I was having a really bad day so we went to my place instead. Then he asked me one time if I wanted to go to the movies and I said I had already seen them all. I wasn’t nasty about it but I was just kinda annoyed because I don’t want him to ask me. I just want him to take me and take initiative. I feel like I’ve rejected him a little unintentionally and I’m trying to fix it without seeming too needy..just kinda lost when it comes to actually finding a solution lol Yup, he's asked you out twice and you've said no. It's not that he doesn't take rejection well, it's that everytime he has offered to take you out, you have said "no, thank you." So, you've settled into a comfortable routine of hanging out at each other's house, and spending the night. Now, you want him to ask you out again, but you don't want to tell him to ask you out. Like somehow, he's just supposed to read your mind and "know" what you want. My friend, you can't change the rules and not tell him. That's not fair. You need to quit playing games. If you want more from this relationship, you need to tell him that. Edited June 5, 2018 by BaileyB 6
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 FYI, he asked me , are we in a relationship? and I said “ no, I don’t think so. I’m not ready just yet.” So he told me to let him know when I’m ready to be in a relationship. He also asked me out to eat maybe once but I had already eaten..maybe he doesn’t take rejection well. Another time he asked to take me to Dave and buster with his best friend but I was having a really bad day so we went to my place instead. Then he asked me one time if I wanted to go to the movies and I said I had already seen them all. I wasn’t nasty about it but I was just kinda annoyed because I don’t want him to ask me. I just want him to take me and take initiative. I feel like I’ve rejected him a little unintentionally and I’m trying to fix it without seeming too needy..just kinda lost when it comes to actually finding a solution lol You are your own enemy here. You don't want to be his gf but you want him to treat you out like one? Each time he offered something you had an excuse. What's this you don't want him to *ask you* ?? It's the gentleman way to ask. You want him to just drop at your place and impose on you to go to the movies? If you are not gf/bf then go out as friends. You offer an activity and you pay both your ways. End of it. You cannot lose him, you don't have him to start with. You said no to being his. 4
Author Jems Posted June 5, 2018 Author Posted June 5, 2018 I’m just a little lost trying to take it slow but I just don’t know how to. Nothing I’ve done is with bad Iberian or to purposely play game or confuse him. So dont be so hard on me ! I’ve never really been in this kind of situation.
Jasonntot Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 As a man, I truly do not get the logic behind wanting something, and yet only being ok with receiving it if it's produced without your mentioning it. As if saying it somehow kills the pleasure it gives you. Ok maybe in some cases I can see it, but here, given what you laid out, not only does it make so much sense to just ask to be taken out, you've kind of shown why he's under the impression that you wouldn't want to be taken out. It seems the easiest and perhaps only way to correct this misunderstanding is to ask. If a girl told me she wanted to be taken out, after weeks of Netflix and chilling, I would have absolutely no problem with it. 2
Els Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 I don't really understand how sleeping over at each others' places and cooking for him is "taking things slow and casual", while actually going out on dates is apparently not... Most people start with the latter if they are "going slow", and only proceed to the former afterwards. But each to their own I guess. Anyway, given that you have declined his offers of going out twice, I agree with the others that YOU need to ask him out next. You can't expect him to read your mind. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 Since you have screwed this up & trained him to Netflix & chill you have to fix it. Pick up the phone & you ask him out to eat, your treat. Every time he has asked you out, you said no. But when he says come over & cook for me, then sleep over you say yes. Guess what? He thinks you don't want to go out He asked for a relationship. You said "not yet". You are playing games without realizing it & being unclear. You want a relationship but you want it on your terms. There is nothing wrong with having standards. Problem is you aren't telling him what those terms are. That part is totally unfair. You can't make him guess then be annoyed when he gets it wrong. On this date you are going to arrange & pay for, talk to him. Tell him that you like him & want a relationship but that for a relationship to work you need him to step up, plan dates & you want to do something other than hang out all the time. When you make your expectations clearer, I would hope that he'd meet them. 4
GreenTea937 Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 This is my entire last "relationship". On the first date I put my foot down and insisted he take me out. He wanted to come over and have me cook for him. I politely turned that idea down. He kept telling me every time he was hungry that he needed someone to cook for him. After 3 dates we fell into a netflix and chill routine. He was always out and about but after the bars he wanted to come home to me. He wouldnt even let me touch him and we werent making out. I wasted a lot of time. If you want to learn from my mistakes I would ask him what he's looking for right now. Tell him you cant do this anymore and you are looking for a relationship. That you want to do things, be taken out in public. The last guy I mentioned told me he didnt have a gf but I saw on social media he was seeing another woman and wanted me as backup. He would not take me out anywhere where his friends could see me. I'm sharing my story b/c its so similar to what I've been thru. I wish I would have asked him what he was looking for and what his intentions for me were. It would have saved a lot of time and heartache. Its hard and scary and uncomfortable to ask but do it anyways. Find out if he has another woman. It sounds like you're his side piece. I am not trying to be mean but its the honest truth. I wish someone would have told me that and I would have blocked and deleted him on my phone and not gotten involved.
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 (edited) I think you need to decide if you are ready to date him or not. If you want to “date” him, ask him out and go on a date. If you want to be friends with him, you can still ask him to go out with you, but best to be clear and tell him that you want to hang out together - as friends. Where it gets really confusing is when you start to Netflix and chill... spending time at his place, cooking his meals, and sleeping in his bed are the things that girlfriends do, when you are in a serious relationship. You don’t have bad intentions, but the fact that you are unclear about what you want from this man and the fact that you have blurred some boundaries make it very confusing for all involved. You really are your own worst enemy - get clear with yourself about what you want and then communicate that to him. That’s all you need to do. Edited June 5, 2018 by BaileyB 1
stillafool Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 This is my entire last "relationship". On the first date I put my foot down and insisted he take me out. He wanted to come over and have me cook for him. I politely turned that idea down. He kept telling me every time he was hungry that he needed someone to cook for him. After 3 dates we fell into a netflix and chill routine. He was always out and about but after the bars he wanted to come home to me. He wouldnt even let me touch him and we werent making out. I wasted a lot of time. If you want to learn from my mistakes I would ask him what he's looking for right now. Tell him you cant do this anymore and you are looking for a relationship. That you want to do things, be taken out in public. The last guy I mentioned told me he didnt have a gf but I saw on social media he was seeing another woman and wanted me as backup. He would not take me out anywhere where his friends could see me. I'm sharing my story b/c its so similar to what I've been thru. I wish I would have asked him what he was looking for and what his intentions for me were. It would have saved a lot of time and heartache. Its hard and scary and uncomfortable to ask but do it anyways. Find out if he has another woman. It sounds like you're his side piece. I am not trying to be mean but its the honest truth. I wish someone would have told me that and I would have blocked and deleted him on my phone and not gotten involved. But, OP doesn't want a boyfriend.
smackie9 Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 You are FWB, not dating, so why should he take you out...you are not his GF. Sleeping over at each others place is all he wants. If you want to go out, try finding someone on a dating site to do that.
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2018 Posted June 5, 2018 You are FWB, not dating, so why should he take you out...you are not his GF. Sleeping over at each others place is all he wants. If you want to go out, try finding someone on a dating site to do that. It's the other way around. He wants a relationship and she kept turning him down when he wanted to take her out on dates, SHE was insisting on just chillin home. Now she complains that it's all they do. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 You are talking out both sides of your mouth, OP. He has asked you out a couple times. You said no both times. He has asked you if you're in a relationship. You said no. You want to move slowly, but he's over at your place sleeping over all the time. That is not taking things slowly. Before you expect him to read your mind, you need to get clear with yourself about what you want, exactly. This guy won't hang around forever trying to figure it out. 2
GemmaUK Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 Sounds like you first need to decide what it is that you actually want - the bigger picture version. Do you want a boyfriend and want him as a boyfriend or not? He appeared to want you as a girlfriend, asking you on dates, asking the gf question. You don't appear to have counter offered to do something else the times he asked you 'out'. Just because you've already eaten or have seen all the latest movies it doesn't mean you can't suggest doing something else. You've moved incredibly quickly, rather than slowly into a stay at home couple. Hints won't do and he can't mind read. He has fallen into line with exactly what you wanted and is being consistent with that. If you don't want to 'date' him but want to go out on dates you're going to have to have a very clear conversation with him and let him decide whether he is happy with that too. However - you need to decide exactly what you want first of all. 1
snowboy91 Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 I can honestly say that I’ve been setting the pace and just taking it slow and casual because I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago and didn’t wanna jump from one relationship to another. So I didn’t mind just chilling and kicking back but at this point I wanna be taken out and made feel a little special : ) .. I wanna avoid having to ask to be taken out...but if communicating that is the best thing than lmk ! I just need some good advice ! FYI, he asked me , are we in a relationship? and I said “ no, I don’t think so. I’m not ready just yet.” So he told me to let him know when I’m ready to be in a relationship. He also asked me out to eat maybe once but I had already eaten..maybe he doesn’t take rejection well. Another time he asked to take me to Dave and buster with his best friend but I was having a really bad day so we went to my place instead. Then he asked me one time if I wanted to go to the movies and I said I had already seen them all. I wasn’t nasty about it but I was just kinda annoyed because I don’t want him to ask me. I just want him to take me and take initiative. I feel like I’ve rejected him a little unintentionally and I’m trying to fix it without seeming too needy..just kinda lost when it comes to actually finding a solution lol So you've set the pace to take things slow. You want him to take you out somewhere, but not for him to ask... and just take you. And you're not sure if you're ready for a relationship. All of that is really confusing to a new partner. For a start, asking is taking initiative while taking into account the other person's feelings. What if you don't like the restaurant he takes you to? Or the movie you go see? He's only going to find out what your preferences are by asking unless he has mind reading capabilities. Secondly, if you've set the pace as slow, you therefore have the power to change that pace as you want. But you have to be clear about what you want. And that might mean asking HIM what he wants to do. You want to do something that isn't Netflix and chill with him, you asking him is going to be far more effective than sitting around waiting for him to take you, after being rejected a couple of times. 1
act00 Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 I'm going to pile on the rest. After stating you were not in a relationship when he first asked, and then turning him down three times when he asked you out, you pretty much established the tone - hang at home. I also think you are being unrealistic expecting him to just "know" or to take you to a movie without asking about if you would like to go and what you would like to see. Would you be thrilled if he just showed up and announced, "We're going to the movies," and you've seen them all and why in the world is he demanding such a thing instead of asking and getting an opinion on what you would like to do? Additionally, sometimes we go out because someone else wants to...and you usually feel good getting out and enjoying some time together, breaking the hum-drum. Maybe one particular venue isn't up to your liking, but a relaxing dinner? How hard is that? My suggestion is to start expressing interest in going out. "We should go out on a date-date," "There's this restaurant I want to try," "There's <activity> I was interested in. Do you think you'd like to go?" "We should go out sometime. We're always hanging at home." You could ask him out and take him to eat or see a movie...he'll pick up some initiative from there, we hope, and extend invitations as well...don't shoot him down every time. Counter with something if the day or activity is not going to work. Don't expect him to be a mind reader. You have to undo the expectation that "hanging at home" is all you want. 1
GemmaUK Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 Basically OP, you need to take responsibility for the 'relationship' you are in and deal with it one way or another. You got the both of you in it in the first place girl!! The guy is confused and going along with you - you set the rules by not accepting dates, dating or much else than cooking dinner, Netflix & chill.
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