Peter102 Posted June 3, 2018 Posted June 3, 2018 (edited) Thanks for taking the time to read and provide any responses firstly. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. A little over a week ago my long distance girlfriend decided to break things off with me. We were together for 6 weeks, and have known each other for 3.5 months, both in our early 20s. She was originally a fan of my YouTube videos and got into contact that way. After talking for a month she flew 2.5 hours to come see me, and we spent an amazing week together and by the end we told each other we loved each other and agreed to attempt long distance. Things between us got intense really quickly i.e talking about a future together. A few weeks later she flew up again and we spent another week together. When we weren't together we would message/Skype every day. A week before she was set to fly up again she became distant, and communication became an issue. The day she was set to fly up she broke down and said she couldn't do it and gave me multiple issues. Over the next week I more or less pushed her and tried to get her to give me more detailed reasons. The crux of them are: 1. She rushed into things and wants to be single so she doesn't have to worry about someone else so she can focus on her own responsibilities i.e finding more stable work/income, looking after her disabled brother etc. 2. I was patronising towards her when we would talk. I didn't realise I was doing this as she never raised the issue with me, and she apologised for not telling me sooner. 3. She didn't feel comfortable talking to me about issues she was dealing with. 4. The distance 5. She felt I was just with her to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. This wasn't something that even entered my mind. However, we had both just left relationships and is possible we were both rebounds. 6. I required too much of her attention. I feel this occurred as I would use her as an outlet to de-stress instead of going to the gym, socialising with other friends etc. as I usually would. I would like to be able to fix this as I genuinely do care about her and want things to work between us. At this point in time I can see how I led to her feeling this way and I have apologised to her, and explained why I think they occurred. This week I can see that I was very needy/pestering her and I may have come across as desperate. I'm not sure how to proceed, as I feel doing an extended period of NC would be ineffective as we were only together for a short period of time, and I don't think focussing all my mental energy on her for weeks/months for be good for my health. I have distanced myself over the last few days and have only engaged in casual conversation about work/school to try and lay off her. My plan is to be in a stage of NC/light communication with her for the next week, and hopefully bring up the topic of us trying to work things out after that. I have some of her belongings still at my house which she left here which I plan on sending back to her, so I am hoping to use that topic as a conversation starter. Preferably I would like to do this over the phone/Skype however she has not been willing to talk over voice since the break up. More or less I'm planning on a hail mary attempt before I will try to move on for good. I know my situation is far from ideal, and the fact that I have a relatively short period in which I plan on fixing things up with her doesn't help. She has said that she still loves me, however the reasons I listed above have pushed her away. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on my situation? Thank you in advance. Edited June 3, 2018 by Peter102
ExpatInItaly Posted June 3, 2018 Posted June 3, 2018 Too much, too soon. You barely know her and making big future plans and telling each other you loved each was premature, in my point of view. You spent a total of a couple weeks together in person, which I'm sure was lovely but it's simply not enough time to really know the other party. Also, if you've both just gotten out of relationships, there is a good chance you were her rebound. She displayed some of the typical behaviours of those on the rebound, diving in too quickly and rushing and then going cold just as quickly. I would just let this one go, to be honest. There's such little foundation to build on and at a distance, it's going to be very difficult to resuscitate this.
Author Peter102 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Posted June 4, 2018 I am sure that on some level I was a rebound for her, hence her feelings of wanting to be single and worry about herself. In spite of the difficulties trying to fix it I am not opposed to at least trying once, as I feel I don't have the fortitude to be able to still be friends with her i.e see her on social media and regularly talking with etc. so I want to at least give it one more try. I'm just not sure if the plan I laid out in my original post is the most effective.
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2018 Posted June 4, 2018 NC will make things worse not better but dialing back the contact could be helpful. You two rushed too many things & got too intense too fast. It's hard to come back from that. You are long distance now. Is closing the gap a viable option? Was there ever talk of relocating? If you didn't know her, would you have any independent desire to live where she does? Is there a possibility to date conventionally from a new local address for either of you? You can't just go from an LDR to living together & it's ridiculous to think about living together after only 6 weeks. This may have been one of those things. It was terribly romantic while it was happening but not viable long term 1
Author Peter102 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Posted June 4, 2018 (edited) I am planning on just letting her initiate all contact this week to dial back. In terms of us living together it wasn't something that we talked about doing immediately, we discussed it as something that we'd be able to do within the next 1-2 years. Moving to where she is isn't something that I would rule out. Emotionally we definitely went way too fast, i.e the first week we spent together she cried because she didn't want to leave to go back home. I'm currently weighing up just removing her off all social media and trying to move on, or continuining with my light contact for a week before bringing up the topic with her again. I do have free time to travel at the end of the month so I'm not sure if it's worth bringing up the possibility of travelling down to see her. Edited June 4, 2018 by Peter102
ExpatInItaly Posted June 4, 2018 Posted June 4, 2018 Any chance she's gone back to the ex? How long had they been broken up when she started talking to you?
Author Peter102 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Posted June 4, 2018 (edited) The relationship she was in before me was around 6 months, and she had been considering breaking up with him for a while, and had more or less been unoficially split up for a month or two before I entered the picture as he was living with her at the time and had nowhere else to stay. She had begun speaking to me while they were still together. They broke up during the time we were speaking because she found out he had been cheating on her and kicked him out, so I don't believe she's gone back to him. A few weeks later we expressed feelings for each other and she flew up a week later. She has had a history of short term/flings with people so I am kind of convinced I am just another one of those, however I'm certain they hadn't been as intense as what we experienced. Outside of her previous ex-boyfriend there wasn't any serious relationships in the last year or two. Edited June 4, 2018 by Peter102
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