How does a traditionalist cope in the current world of dating?

[girlinNYC]

If you have followed my posts, you will know i’m In love with my best friend and I’m yet to tell him (planning on it, before anybody says I should say something)

 

I’m a traditionalist, I have self respect. I prefer how the dating game was back in former generations. No games, no ‘people are disposable’ attitudes, no social media to see if the grass is greener on the other side, etc.

 

I’m not a serial dater, I can’t go on multiple dates at a time as I personally am not that way inclined. If I like someone, I’m loyal to them even before I’m in a relationship with them. Keeping ‘options open’ I find disrespectful to a degree.

 

Safe to say I’m cynical about love in this day and age. How do you stay positive in a world that seems so far gone?

[gone_girl]

If you have followed my posts, you will know i’m In love with my best friend and I’m yet to tell him (planning on it, before anybody says I should say something)

 

I’m a traditionalist, I have self respect. I prefer how the dating game was back in former generations. No games, no ‘people are disposable’ attitudes, no social media to see if the grass is greener on the other side, etc.

 

I’m not a serial dater, I can’t go on multiple dates at a time as I personally am not that way inclined. If I like someone, I’m loyal to them even before I’m in a relationship with them. Keeping ‘options open’ I find disrespectful to a degree.

 

Safe to say I’m cynical about love in this day and age. How do you stay positive in a world that seems so far gone?

 

Hi,

 

It seems like it's a culture thing. Here in the UK dating multiple people at the same time is generally considered tacky and cheating. You don't need to have the exclusivity talk, if you sleep together and go on dates then you're an item. Of course there are people who will cheat, but it's no different than romantically 'getting to know' more than 1 people at the same time.

 

I know that US has a different culture regarding that though. Not much you can do. I would have a difficult time dating that way as well.

[girlinNYC]

Hi,

 

It seems like it's a culture thing. Here in the UK dating multiple people at the same time is generally considered tacky and cheating. You don't need to have the exclusivity talk, if you sleep together and go on dates then you're an item. Of course there are people who will cheat, but it's no different than romantically 'getting to know' more than 1 people at the same time.

 

I know that US has a different culture regarding that though. Not much you can do. I would have a difficult time dating that way as well.

 

Ah, I must move to the UK. I do consider it tacky too. There isn't much you can control about it, which I guess makes it frustrating.

[d0nnivain]

Try reminding yourself that although scarce, others share your values. I would hope that someone you already call your friend would be in the category.

[girlinNYC]

Try reminding yourself that although scarce, others share your values. I would hope that someone you already call your friend would be in the category.

 

I hope so too. Good tip though, I guess similar values are a dime a dozen nowadays.

[d0nnivain]

I hope so too. Good tip though, I guess similar values are a dime a dozen nowadays.

 

Ah, no.

 

If something is a "dime a dozen" it means it's common. I'm suggesting to you that people who share your values are more rare then people who multi-dating & think relationships are disposable, but you have to find that person who thinks like you do.

 

 

There are also degrees. I think marriage is forever but I wasn't opposed to multi-dating. By that, I meant when I was single I would not commit to one person initially. Just because I went on a date with guy 1 on Monday did not mean I couldn't go out with guy 2 on Wednesday or guy 3 on Thursday but by the time I was thinking of a 3rd date with somebody the field narrowed considerably & I required exclusivity before sex, well at least I did once I graduated from college. In college, dating was simply about having fun in the moment & I think my longest relationship back then was about 6 weeks; after that I got bored & felt tied down. I also had long term goals involving graduate school & I wasn't about to let something as silly as boy pull me off track

[Woggle]

I actually think there are more people than you think with these values but they are scared to say it publically and scared to put themselves on the line to a potential partner.

[max3732]

If you have followed my posts, you will know i’m In love with my best friend and I’m yet to tell him (planning on it, before anybody says I should say something)

 

I’m a traditionalist, I have self respect. I prefer how the dating game was back in former generations. No games, no ‘people are disposable’ attitudes, no social media to see if the grass is greener on the other side, etc.

 

I’m not a serial dater, I can’t go on multiple dates at a time as I personally am not that way inclined. If I like someone, I’m loyal to them even before I’m in a relationship with them. Keeping ‘options open’ I find disrespectful to a degree.

 

Safe to say I’m cynical about love in this day and age. How do you stay positive in a world that seems so far gone?

 

I'm a guy who is the same way so there are guys who are traditionalist out there too.

[carhill]

I moved to a demographic that more closely aligned with my natural style, not just with dating. In no way does that guarantee dating success but everyday life is more positive and peaceful and synergistic. I figure moving once in a lifetime isn't too much

[fredflint]

You don't need to have the exclusivity talk, if you sleep together and go on dates then you're an item.

 

I don't think you can redefine "cheating" to how you'd like it to be and hope your dates somehow read your mind and agree with you. People who enter relationships with assumptions like that are likely to be disappointed from time to time in both the UK and the USA. People's values aren't the same.

[Els]

AFAIK large Western cities, especially ones like NYC, tend to be worse for "traditionalists". You may find that you have a difficult decision to make - stay in NYC but know that your pool will be smaller, or take your chances and move.

 

Also, "traditionalism" comes in various shades and extents, it's hard to tell from your post what your flavour is. Are we just talking monogamy and no multidating, or are we talking traditional gender roles, etc? How traditional? So on and so forth.

[preraph]

In the fifties, the last widely "traditional" decade, people didn't jump into commitment when young but were more likely to date around for a bit before (how quaint) "going steady." People seem to have lost the whole "dating around" concept where you go out and have fun, sometimes as a couple or as a group and don't have sex and just get to know each other. Then things progress from there.

 

If you want someone more conservative, then you need to be meeting people in conservative careers or at church. Along with conservative and traditional, please remember it's not all about them dating one person at a time. They would expect a woman to be more traditional, cooking, cleaning, all that, and probably to give them the last word on things. So be careful what you want.

 

Setting aside mining only conservative types, my best advice to you for you to get someone who will only focus on you from the beginning for no reason is to find someone who has trouble dating so you have no competition.

[Els]

In the fifties, the last widely "traditional" decade, people didn't jump into commitment when young but were more likely to date around for a bit before (how quaint) "going steady." People seem to have lost the whole "dating around" concept where you go out and have fun, sometimes as a couple or as a group and don't have sex and just get to know each other. Then things progress from there.

 

 

I was born much more recently than the fifties, but in a more traditional culture, and we certainly did this. Have wonderful memories of it and it was one of the best things about being young and single IMO. I know people can't miss what they've never tried, but I feel kinda sorry for anyone who hasn't experienced this!

 

 

If you want someone more conservative, then you need to be meeting people in conservative careers or at church. Along with conservative and traditional, please remember it's not all about them dating one person at a time. They would expect a woman to be more traditional, cooking, cleaning, all that, and probably to give them the last word on things. So be careful what you want.

 

Setting aside mining only conservative types, my best advice to you for you to get someone who will only focus on you from the beginning for no reason is to find someone who has trouble dating so you have no competition.[/Quote]Perhaps, but not everyone who dates exclusively will require traditional gender roles, and vice versa.

 

 

As for "competition", I disagree with this. Again, entirely possible for someone to be desirable but preferring to have monogamous relationships.

Edited June 3, 2018 by Elswyth

[smackie9]

Don't kid yourself, people have always played games when dating in former generations. People multi dated, and back then it was easier to get away with it. Now a days it may seem more prominent, but really it's not by that much. Now you can now SEE it happening in real time because you can track people on social media, and cel phone. People are more networked so there is less privacy. I understand there is more access to people, but it's human nature to take advantage of things.

 

 

 

If you want more traditional, don't use the internet, and go out to social events, or meet people through friends, dinner parties, etc where people traditionally met in the olden days.

[carhill]

Perhaps, but not everyone who dates exclusively will require traditional gender roles, and vice versa.

 

Good point, I was socialized as an outgrowth of 30's-50's conservative mindset, exposed to 'traditional' gender roles, chose to date conservatively but enjoyed and supported progressive gender roles as an adult. However, I believe that choice to meld the philosophies thinned the dating pool a bit over either/or. What I've continued to notice in my generation is 'like' for this particular style but not attraction to my display of it. Perhaps a conservative dater experiences a similar dichotomy, IDK.

[Ruserious]

Just "do you"... be who you are. No need to follow any set of rules or the ways of others. Your timing will probably be different from the majority & that's ok.

 

Just do you and everything else will fall in line as it should.

[lana-banana]

Dating in "former generations" often meant getting married right out of high school after a few months or enduring decades of physical and verbal abuse because women couldn't support themselves. They also had little to no access to contraceptives or abortion. You married the first guy that was reasonably handsome, well-off, and tolerable.

 

I'm not saying contemporary culture is perfect, but acting like things were better in ye olden days involves a LOT of deliberate glossing over just how awful things were in the past, particularly for women and homosexuals. Just being able to choose someone and having the freedom to walk away from a bad situation is a huge blessing. It's worth keeping in mind the next time a date goes south.

 

Also, it's not even remotely true that everyone wants to hook up or multi-date. Before I got married I was never involved in any of that, and didn't have issues meeting men who wanted the same thing. Just don't compromise what you value and stay true to yourself.

Edited June 3, 2018 by lana-banana

[Eternal Sunshine]

Dating in "former generations" often meant getting married right out of high school after a few months or enduring decades of physical and verbal abuse because women couldn't support themselves. They also had little to no access to contraceptives or abortion. You married the first guy that was reasonably handsome, well-off, and tolerable.

 

I'm not saying contemporary culture is perfect, but acting like things were better in ye olden days involves a LOT of deliberate glossing over just how awful things were in the past, particularly for women and homosexuals. Just being able to choose someone and having the freedom to walk away from a bad situation is a huge blessing.

 

 

Eh just to comment on the bolded. Women still do that now, like all the time. The only difference is that they do it in mid-late 30s because they want to have a family and are running out of time. The other difference is that by that time, he doesn't even have to be handsome or well-off, just the bare minimum of tolerable. In olden age, there were no women in that situation.

 

 

 

Current culture also says that the expectation is to sleep with a stranger you met online within 3 dates :sick: I love how in the olden days the focus was on actually getting to know a person rather than sex first.

[carhill]

Traditionalist from my generation = courting.

 

Funny, when my mom and dad got married she earned more than him and had been working, unmarried and mostly single, for 15 years as an adult, and continued working until I was born. Contemporary? Nope, they met 67 years ago. He courted her. His first glimpse of her was in a newspaper article. I happened to run across it while going through her stuff while moving. Evidently she kept it and other items from their courtship period. Shotgun wedding? Nope. Married six years before I popped out.

 

She taught me women, and men, have choices.

[introverted1]

I moved to a demographic that more closely aligned with my natural style, not just with dating. In no way does that guarantee dating success but everyday life is more positive and peaceful and synergistic. I figure moving once in a lifetime isn't too much

 

Not to thread-jack, but how were you able to ascertain where to move to?

[fredflint]

Eh just to comment on the bolded. Women still do that now, like all the time. The only difference is that they do it in mid-late 30s because they want to have a family and are running out of time. The other difference is that by that time, he doesn't even have to be handsome or well-off, just the bare minimum of tolerable. In olden age, there were no women in that situation.

 

 

 

Current culture also says that the expectation is to sleep with a stranger you met online within 3 dates :sick: I love how in the olden days the focus was on actually getting to know a person rather than sex first.

 

It might be a common expectation but no-one has to adhere to that against their will. And if anytime a person doesn't live up to their dates' expectations then they should just walk away and be "ok no big deal, next". The thing about moving more quickly though is that society is more progressive and openly liberal these days. Which I think is generally a good thing. I think people understand that if it's such a good match you can't keep your hands off each other from the get go, then that is a more natural way to go than each having your mental checklist of "partner qualities" still to complete at the 3rd date interview. How tiresome that kind of dating is. Dating should be about connection, sex, excitement, passion. If its too clinical and cerebral you're doing it wrong. To some degree, it should be primitive, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

[basil67]

I don't think you can redefine "cheating" to how you'd like it to be and hope your dates somehow read your mind and agree with you. People who enter relationships with assumptions like that are likely to be disappointed from time to time in both the UK and the USA. People's values aren't the same.

 

Australia is the same as the UK. Multi dating is nasty and considered to be cheating. If I'm seeing someone and we sleep together, we are considered an item - no conversation required.

 

It's not about how "we'd like it to be", rather it's the way it is in our culture. Does that mean we are never cheated on or let down? Of course not. But if we find out the guy or girl is seeing others while dating us, they will find themselves without another date from us. It's just the way it is.

Edited June 3, 2018 by basil67

[basil67]

acting like things were better in ye olden days involves a LOT of deliberate glossing over just how awful things were

 

I couldn't agree with you more.

 

I've been doing family trees for myself and my husband. The trees are littered with shotgun marriages.

 

If we look at previous eras, marriage wasn't so much about love but about what each person could bring to the marriage. Middle class Victorian times saw an expectation that you'd marry a partner of your same class. He needed to be able to provide for the family and she needed to be able to run a household and entertain company. Both needed to be personable, but love really wasn't part of the equation. Marriage pretty much meant that he had someone to tend to his needs and she got a roof over her head and babies.

[Chilli]

Hi,

 

It seems like it's a culture thing. Here in the UK dating multiple people at the same time is generally considered tacky and cheating. You don't need to have the exclusivity talk, if you sleep together and go on dates then you're an item. Of course there are people who will cheat, but it's no different than romantically 'getting to know' more than 1 people at the same time.

 

I know that US has a different culture regarding that though. Not much you can do. I would have a difficult time dating that way as well.

 

 

Yeah it's the same here to thank God , probably more so.

People think about who they go out with and it's a special thing treated carefully , they wait for someone that they actually feel things with and already like and would already be viewed as hopefully going to end up a couple or you wouldn't even bother and most of the time it would. They might not have been out with anyone else for years, or one or two maybe but that'd usually be it with any girl l'd be interested in..

Of course it might not go well but that's why you'd even try or you wouldn't bother.

You don't just go out with anyone, well unless your just out screwing round

 

That's why l often say here l've never really dated in my life , because really l haven't , l've just met someone and it's all there and of it goes.

l often think l shouldn't be in the forum because l can't really fathom the way they think and do things but l have met some great people here so , l stick around.

 

It's so hard to explain here you probably did it much better than l have so l usually just call it old school or some shyt just to make it easy but l get arguments every anyway so l don't bother anymore.

Edited June 3, 2018 by Chilli

[Ruby Slippers]

For the most part, I've been a traditional dater myself.

 

I've found traditional men at every age, so far. They're definitely not the majority of men, but they are still out there.

 

And in the "manosphere", there's increasing talk about how a traditional approach would be better for everybody. I think a lot of young people just getting started dating right now have been educated on the dead-end nature of "casual" dating, and are trying different and more pragmatic approaches.

 

I work with a traditional guy, early 30s, who just proposed to his traditional girlfriend, late 20s, and I get the strong feeling they're going to have a dream life.