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(Possible wishful thinking) Seems she’s implying something? UPDATE: She asked me out

Sgthaytham

By Sgthaytham
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Sgthaytham Established Member

Sgthaytham

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Went out with her the other night. We first had dinner, then she suggested we go get some drinks.

 

I thought it was going really well.

 

After our second round, she asked if I was going to get back with my ex. Not sure how she knew about her, but since we’ve got mutual friends, maybe she has been asking around.

 

I was kind of taken aback, but I just answered I hadn’t see or spoken to her in 5-6 years lol

 

Why did she ask? Is she curious?

snowboy91 Established Member

snowboy91

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Sometimes people are curious about a new (potential) partner's last relationship. But asking the question in that way comes off a little aggressive to me. I wonder whether she's been burned before by guys who have blown her off to get back with exes.

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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It's always informative to get someone to talk about their ex's. In this case, if she knows who your ex is through mutual acquaintances, or perhaps even heard a nugget or two through the grapevine, then just observing your reaction to the question would have given her valuable intel. Or maybe she' been dumped by someone going back to an ex.

 

Your response was good- nice and neutral. But if you had broke down sobbing, or started swearing and stomping and throwing things... informative, right?

 

A friend of mine just forwarded a break-up email late last night––the guy she had been investing in for a month told her that he was getting back with his ex after 6 months. Said they met for lunch to get closure and both decided they wanted to try again.

 

I met a woman for a first date about a year ago and during the conversation she mentioned her first husband, implying there's more than one. So I asked, have you been married twice? No comment. Said she'd fill me in sometime but didn't want to get into it on the first date. Well, it turns out that she had been married and divorced FIVE times, and she was interviewing me for number six.

 

I went out with a woman a few times before asking about her ex, and when I did I got quite a story: she plays nice and socializes with him because of the kids (college age). She's religious (which I didn't know at first). So it turns out that he's a preacher, and she used to be the dutiful preacher's wife. This is enough to raise an eyebrow, but it gets better... her ex is a felon and served a few years in jail. They hosted a 15-year old female exchange student and you can probably guess the rest. So he's a preacher, a felon, and a registered sex offender. You can't make this shyte up.

 

What was the question?

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Posted (edited)
I wonder whether she's been burned before by guys who have blown her off to get back with exes.

Yes I'd say that's most likely. Either her or someone she knows has had that happen, or she's just scared that it would happen, and is trying to protect herself from hurt.

 

As sal mentions, getting information about your date's relationship history can be very informative - not just the information but the tone and emotion as well. However asking straight up if you're going to get back together seems pretty strange. Guilty people would just lie, of course.

Edited by PegNosePete
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Since your answer was you hadn't spoken to the EX in 5-6 years your date's intel seems to be off. If your answer had been 5-6 months, I could see where she may have wanted to not be a rebound.

 

1-2 Qs about EXs to get a sense of someone's past & to assure it's in the past is OK. Deep conversations about the subject of EXs not so much.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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That does seem like an odd question. I would also think that she's been burned before by someone who got back together with an ex. Maybe more than once.

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SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

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I have had many dates ask about my exes. One thing I found in common is this: it is a sign they like you.

 

They are asking because they want to know if you are ready for something with them before they invest further. Are you still hung up on her? Did you break her heart? Women will use this as a gauge for your future behavior.

 

When talk comes up, I usually just give a brief answer and change the subject. If I’m dating a girl for a while I might give more details when asked (which has proven to be a bad idea for the most part - based upon their maturity and jealousy).

 

I believe it’s fine to share funny stories about crazy chicks you briefly dated, but it’s not a good idea to bash relationship partners as she will think you will do the same to her. Even if your ex was horrible, put a positive spin on it and how you have grown as a result.

 

As a side note, I NEVER ask them. You don’t want a woman thinking about her ex when she’s with you. She’ll bring him up on her own eventually.

ShyLove Established Member

ShyLove

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Did you meet Online? I'm asking just bc that seems to be the hub for people who have just gotten dumped but don't let themselves heal for 24 hours before signing up for a dating site lol A lot of them do tend to go back to their exes, it seems. It has happened to me (and pretty much everyone I know including men and women) multiple times.

 

Good Luck out there :)

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Sgthaytham Established Member

Sgthaytham

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Sometimes people are curious about a new (potential) partner's last relationship. But asking the question in that way comes off a little aggressive to me. I wonder whether she's been burned before by guys who have blown her off to get back with exes.

 

It did come quite out-the-blue...

 

We were drinking and chatting and then suddenly she asks...

 

 

Like I’ve said, I haven’t spoken to that particular ex in 5-6 years.

 

Maybe she has had a rough time with other guys?

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Sgthaytham Established Member

Sgthaytham

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Did you meet Online? I'm asking just bc that seems to be the hub for people who have just gotten dumped but don't let themselves heal for 24 hours before signing up for a dating site lol A lot of them do tend to go back to their exes, it seems. It has happened to me (and pretty much everyone I know including men and women) multiple times.

 

Good Luck out there :)

 

Nah, we met in person last summer. She’s the lifeguard and the local pool.

 

We chatted mainly over FaceBook since September, but that was before I moved abroad.

 

I have no intention in getting back with any of my exes... I’ve learnt from the past.

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Sgthaytham Established Member

Sgthaytham

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Since your answer was you hadn't spoken to the EX in 5-6 years your date's intel seems to be off. If your answer had been 5-6 months, I could see where she may have wanted to not be a rebound.

 

1-2 Qs about EXs to get a sense of someone's past & to assure it's in the past is OK. Deep conversations about the subject of EXs not so much.

 

When she asked I just said “No, I haven’t spoken or seen her in 5-6 years”, and she didn’t ask for anymore details.

 

I’m just wondering from who she heard of my ex... we have mutual friends, but they all know it’s been quite a while. Weird.

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Most likely she had a relationship not too far back with a guy ... who said he wasn't talking to his ex, etc ... and then dumped her and resumed with the ex.

 

Her question and her approach to you was clumsy ... and you probably need to take that into consideration ... On the other hand, the fact that she asked this question ... to me shows a certain level of interest. She wouldn't need to ask that question if she wasn't interested in you ...

 

So there is a good lining there to the question ... and some bad: ... someone burned her with an ex ...

 

BTW: you are in your full right (as in it's logical and reasonable) for you to tell her that you found the question a bit strange and you would like to know why she asked the question ...Just as you say here, you can say the question caught you off guard ...

 

She'll most likely give you a real answer ... Send me $5 if my theory is right.

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Sgthaytham Established Member

Sgthaytham

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To be honest, I don’t even think these two meetings we’ve had have been actual dates.

 

First time round I invited her out for dinner. After, she suggested we go get drinks. Date started at 7:30pm and ended at 2:30am - no kiss.

 

Today, we went for a picnic in the mountains. I still didn’t have guts to go for a kiss. I didn’t feel there was a moment and I’m incredibly anxious around her.

 

I did make moves in the touching department. I laid my hand on hers, I got closer to her. I know it’s raher pathetic, but I’m shy and I’m not in the game.

 

So I feel like I’ve completely blown it with her.

 

She’s either 1) Not actually interested and hasn’t been since; 2) really confused about the whole thing; 3) going to move on.

 

The only “good signs” from the date were: her not flinching or moving when I did touch her. And she says she’ll drive to come see me and we’ll do something.

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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First of all, she hung with you til 2:30 a.m. Pretty doggone good ... sign of some interest.

 

I'm going to take a leap here ... Dude, chill! ... You think she doesn't know that you're nervous? ... Of course she knows ... but that's fine. Nervousness is not a sign of lack of cool, not at all. Nervousness just shows a person cares about the impression they're making.

 

Relax ... go out ... see what happens ... at some point ... think about gently taking her hand ... and see ... But ... don't force this ... You just need a few subtle things to keep yourself out of the friendzone ... Just getting in her space ... hug her ... ask to hug if you're that terrified ...

 

The fact that she's offering to pick you up ... great sign.

 

Chill ... you don't need to follow the cool guy's playbook. If this woman wanted to be with a super cool guy, she could find that ... Seems like she enjoys you ... even in all your nervousness. Relax ... Some people kiss on 4th date ... That's fine.

 

Drop the stereotype that this is all performance ... and that all women want a suave, cool, smooth, experienced guy. Not true. Lots of women like nerdy guys who they think are smart, interesting, sincere, sane. If she is way "cooler" than you, you would have seen some signs of boredom and disinterest, most likely. But again, she would ended the date way before 2:30.

 

Just show up and concentrate on the present moment. Enjoy your time ... see what happens ... and you're leaving out key info: what did you talk about? ... How animated was she? ... What did she say after the date? After the first? ... after the second?

 

And to challenge you some: your job is to figure out if you want to kiss her, if she's worthy of you kissing her ... That's not automatic. What do you even like about her? What suggests she would be a good partner? What do you have in common? Those are the matters that should be on your mind--before you decide you want to kiss her.

 

Report back.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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Sgthaytham Established Member

Sgthaytham

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First of all, she hung with you til 2:30 a.m. Pretty doggone good ... sign of some interest.

 

I'm going to take a leap here ... Dude, chill! ... You think she doesn't know that you're nervous? ... Of course she knows ... but that's fine. Nervousness is not a sign of lack of cool, not at all. Nervousness just shows a person cares about the impression they're making.

 

Relax ... go out ... see what happens ... at some point ... think about gently taking her hand ... and see ... But ... don't force this ... You just need a few subtle things to keep yourself out of the friendzone ... Just getting in her space ... hug her ... ask to hug if you're that terrified ...

 

The fact that she's offering to pick you up ... great sign.

 

Chill ... you don't need to follow the cool guy's playbook. If this woman wanted to be with a super cool guy, she could find that ... Seems like she enjoys you ... even in all your nervousness. Relax ... Some people kiss on 4th date ... That's fine.

 

Drop the stereotype that this is all performance ... and that all women want a suave, cool, smooth, experienced guy. Not true. Lots of women like nerdy guys who they think are smart, interesting, sincere, sane. If she is way "cooler" than you, you would have seen some signs of boredom and disinterest, most likely. But again, she would ended the date way before 2:30.

 

Just show up and concentrate on the present moment. Enjoy your time ... see what happens ... and you're leaving out key info: what did you talk about? ... How animated was she? ... What did she say after the date? After the first? ... after the second?

 

And to challenge you some: your job is to figure out if you want to kiss her, if she's worthy of you kissing her ... That's not automatic. What do you even like about her? What suggests she would be a good partner? What do you have in common? Those are the matters that should be on your mind--before you decide you want to kiss her.

 

Report back.

 

The fact is I’m dealing with an inexperienced girl: she’s never been in a relationship, and I don’t even think she’s dated a guy.

 

So on one hand there’s me: slightly more experienced, really shy, over thinker, anxiety-prone, etc... not even sure we’re actually dating...

 

And then there’s her inexperience, possible shyness too, and she’s quite dorky, which is what I really like about her, besides looks.

 

It’s a stalemate - if she likes me back.

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Ok ... so you guys appear to be well matched in that regard.

 

Think about what you want to do that's fun (besides kissing).

 

No sign that she's unhappy ... Keep going ... if you two like each other, you will eventually kiss. Let that happen.

 

Had you kissed her immediately, she might have freaked ...

 

Relax ... go at your own pace. You're assuming a good relationship is the formula out there ... No, a relationship comes out of the two individuals ... and their quirks, their histories, their shyness ... their dorkyness ...

 

So you're enjoying her company?

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I don't think you have anything at all to worry about! Those two were definitely dates.

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Sgthaytham Established Member

Sgthaytham

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Ok ... so you guys appear to be well matched in that regard.

 

Think about what you want to do that's fun (besides kissing).

 

No sign that she's unhappy ... Keep going ... if you two like each other, you will eventually kiss. Let that happen.

 

Had you kissed her immediately, she might have freaked ...

 

Relax ... go at your own pace. You're assuming a good relationship is the formula out there ... No, a relationship comes out of the two individuals ... and their quirks, their histories, their shyness ... their dorkyness ...

 

So you're enjoying her company?

 

 

I really enjoy her company. She’s great. It’s just my shyness that is impeding things.

 

Will definitely let it grow naturally.

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Sgthaytham Established Member

Sgthaytham

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I don't think you have anything at all to worry about! Those two were definitely dates.

 

Hopefully you’re right. For the time being I will keep going on these dates with her - if she keeps wanting to.

  • Like 1
alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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I don't think you have anything at all to worry about! Those two were definitely dates.

 

I agree. Ramp up emotionally for date #3. Take her out for a scary movie, that way she'll be scared and all over you. You can then go in for the kiss. :)

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Contrary to what many people think, there is nothing wrong with being shy. Lots of people are shy, including a bunch of actors, stand-up comedians, politicians, parents ...

 

There's a great TED Talk out there that's famous ... called "The power of introverts," by Susan Cain ... discusses the many advantages of being an introvert ... now you might not mean "introvert" when you say "shy."

 

Something to consider: lots of communication, perhaps the majority of communication, is through body language, posture and so on ... not words. The way you stand with this woman, your open body language, your interest signaled by your desire to hear her and connect with her ... that's all MUCH LOUDER and actually more important to humans than mere words.

 

If you're making time for her and she's making time for you ... If you enjoy seeing her and look forward to seeing her ... your interest will come through. And it doesn't seem like you're feeling ignored or dismissed by her ... or that she looks bored ... so keep going.

 

I was frequently a "very late" kisser ... if you wanna call it that ... Never got in the way of anything ... Now is the time for you to share about yourself, your interests, your dreams, your hopes ... what you like ... what you enjoy ... find out about her interests and dreams and hopes.

 

Keep going, brother.

  • Like 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted
Contrary to what many people think, there is nothing wrong with being shy. Lots of people are shy, including a bunch of actors, stand-up comedians, politicians, parents ...

 

There's a great TED Talk out there that's famous ... called "The power of introverts," by Susan Cain ... discusses the many advantages of being an introvert ... now you might not mean "introvert" when you say "shy."

 

Something to consider: lots of communication, perhaps the majority of communication, is through body language, posture and so on ... not words. The way you stand with this woman, your open body language, your interest signaled by your desire to hear her and connect with her ... that's all MUCH LOUDER and actually more important to humans than mere words.

 

If you're making time for her and she's making time for you ... If you enjoy seeing her and look forward to seeing her ... your interest will come through. And it doesn't seem like you're feeling ignored or dismissed by her ... or that she looks bored ... so keep going.

 

I was frequently a "very late" kisser ... if you wanna call it that ... Never got in the way of anything ... Now is the time for you to share about yourself, your interests, your dreams, your hopes ... what you like ... what you enjoy ... find out about her interests and dreams and hopes.

 

Keep going, brother.

 

I agree, that's a really good TED talk.

 

This was a lot of years ago, but my first kiss with my ex-husband wasn't until my third date. There's nothing wrong with that, especially if she is shy.

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Here's a tip brother ... and you will owe me $10 for this ...

 

If at the end of date #11 you still haven't said you like her ... then go public with your shyness ..."I'm shy and I worry that I haven't told you how much I'm enjoying spending time with you and how much I like you."

 

Translation: I'm feeling a lot more than what I'm telling you.

 

Key point: avoid putting yourself down ... people hate that ... men and women ... Avoid "I feel bad because I'm so incompetent and such a loser and I don't feel like I've made it clear how much I like you." No! ...

 

Avoid that. Just own up to being shy. You can even say "I wish I weren't so shy." ... That's fine.

 

She will get what you're saying ... and if she's into you, she will reassure you that you're doing fine ...

 

True story: I was so slow with one of my exes ... that SHE ended up kissing me first ... Seriously, I'm not that shy ... but this was probably date #5 ... I don't know exactly ... and good thing she did ... I was gonna put it off even further.

coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

Posted
Posted
To be honest, I don’t even think these two meetings we’ve had have been actual dates.

 

First time round I invited her out for dinner. After, she suggested we go get drinks. Date started at 7:30pm and ended at 2:30am - no kiss.

 

Today, we went for a picnic in the mountains. I still didn’t have guts to go for a kiss. I didn’t feel there was a moment and I’m incredibly anxious around her.

 

I did make moves in the touching department. I laid my hand on hers, I got closer to her. I know it’s raher pathetic, but I’m shy and I’m not in the game.

 

So I feel like I’ve completely blown it with her.

 

She’s either 1) Not actually interested and hasn’t been since; 2) really confused about the whole thing; 3) going to move on.

 

The only “good signs” from the date were: her not flinching or moving when I did touch her. And she says she’ll drive to come see me and we’ll do something.

 

Give it time! Can't rush things like the first kiss or anything else in that department because you know your shy and she's inexperience. What a couple you two are! So sweet to hear about this. Place a huge smile on my face. Trust me it will all work out and you'll be in for huge surprise soon!

  • Like 1
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Sgthaytham Established Member

Sgthaytham

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Give it time! Can't rush things like the first kiss or anything else in that department because you know your shy and she's inexperience. What a couple you two are! So sweet to hear about this. Place a huge smile on my face. Trust me it will all work out and you'll be in for huge surprise soon!

 

 

I hope you’re right... :)

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