Why am i sabotaging a good relationship?

[Mixed-Up-Mel]

This is rather long and complex but the details are neccessary.

 

Ok - i was stuck in a very long, controlling, emotionally and physically abusive marriage for 19 years, i had wanted to leave my husband for such a long time but he had instilled so much guilt in me that i was afraid to. My marriage had been completely without affection and sex for the last 4 years of it, and prior to that both sex and affection was spasmodic, sometimes going 2 or 3 years without. This was his choice not mine, he would tell me i didn't "deserve" either and would tell me i was dirty should i initiate it. In the early part of our marriage he was unfaithful and he bragged about it.

 

I always felt that something was missing from my marriage and i (mistakenly at the time) thought it was sex. A married friend of ours had always been very flirty with me and when he actually tried to go further one day (we were alone) i didn't refuse. There started an 18 month "affair". Only it clearly wasn't an affair, all he wanted was sex - from me and whoever else would give it to him. He would frequently tell me about other girls he had been with. I felt so used by him that i stopped seeing him.

 

Then some 5 years ago i got into the internet, mostly chat/flirting type sites, and became flattered that other men seemed interested in me and i ended up meeting a guy one night. We had a lot of fun and he kept asking to see me again and again. After seeing him every week for about 2 months i noticed he still used the chat/flirt site where we met on a daily basis. Then he became secretive and evasive, many excuses as to why he was never available at weekends and why i shouldn't call him. I discovered he had met another girl from the same site and was spending his weekends with her. After initially denying it he finally admitted it and said i was married and that i was in no position to complain or demand exclusivity. True enough i thought, so this "affair" continued for almost 2 years. Again, it wasn't exactly an affair, we never dated or went out together, he never put himself out for me or even bought a drink. He even expected me to pay half on the odd occasion he got a takeout for his own dinner and i ate some. He ended it, saying he was feeling guilty for cheating on the other girl.

 

Fast forward 18 months and i began talking to another guy on the same website. We chatted online for 6 months and built up quite a good "cyber relationship", which progressed to exchanging cellphone numbers. We swapped text messages for a few weeks and occasionally spoke on the phone. One night we decided to meet for a drink. He seemed totally taken by me, and i must admit, i found him extremely pleasant and genuine. Things progressed and we started meeting every week. We'd go for drinks or to dinner, he asked me to his house and cooked me dinner, after 6 weeks i began staying overnight although we didn't have sex until 8 weeks.

 

I'll say here that throughout my marriage my husband could care less as to where i was and never checked on me, even if i didn't go home, so maintaining these affairs wasn't difficult for me.

 

So - for 6 months this guy showed me a life i didn't know existed, he was kind, considerate, loving, affectionate. He'd take me out on dates, always willing to pay (although i do pay about 50% of the time as i hate to take advantage) He would compliment me and generally show that he was happy to be with me. He removed his details from the flirt site. At this point i realised my marriage was a shambles and there really was more to life, so i got the courage to leave. I got myself a house, some furniture and a car and i walked out. I explained to my "lover" that i had not left to be with him but i had left because of the life i was missing. He was extremely supportive.

 

Now then - i have been seperated for almost 4 months and i am much happier, my life is taking a turn for the better. My "lover" is still in the picture and is as loving and supportive as he was before and we have been spending more time together. BUT - for some reason, just in the last 2 months, i had begun to feel very suspicious about him playing me. I didn't see any red flags, i just guessed all the others had played me so he would too, only this time i genuinely cared about this guy and i was getting scared of being badly hurt. So i did something stupid, i looked at his cellphone. I found a suggestive text message from a girl and a reference to a couple naked photos she had mailed him. I confronted him and he was very calm about it, he didn't scream and get defensive, he said it was just flirting and that she was an old friend of his. He explained the whole situation coolly and openly and without me having to squeeze details out of him, who she was and how he knew her etc, and said he hadn't realised he'd end up in a proper relationship with me and that he still had a selfish single guy attitude. He apologised, he said it was wrong to exchange those kind of messages with another girl, that he wasn't in particularly regular contact with her and it would now stop. A week later he got a little upset at me (upset, not mad or accusing) and said he'd been concerned about me feeling the need to look at his cellphone, he said he'd been in a relationship before where the girl checked everything, cellphone, receipts, bills etc and accused him of all kinds of stuff that weren't happening. He was worried the same thing would happen and that i didn't trust him. We talked, agreed that we'd both jumped to the wrong conclusion and that we'd put the issue in the past.

 

He then asked me out. He asked me to be his girlfriend and said he wanted us to be eclusive.

 

This was a month ago, and i am happier. However, i can't stop feeling suspicious about everything to do with this guy, i find myself reading way too much into every little thing. If i call and he doesn't answer i get in a mess that he's with another girl, if he calls me at a different time to usual i worry it's because he's got plans to go out with another girl later that night, if he gets a call or a text message when he's with me i worry it's from another girl. Every time this has happened my worries have not been justified, it's been like he wasn't home becasue he was at the grocery store and he's returned my call when he gets in, or he's called me at a different time, maybe earlier, because we haven't spoken all day and he wants to talk to me, and he will maybe text message or even call again later in the evening.

 

I haven't told him i worry about these things, i just like sit home and get myself in a mess about it. I don't want him to think i'm an emotional wreck or really needy.

 

This guy is unique, he is almost too good to be true. So why do i feel like this? Why do i seem to be subconsciously sabotaging the only good relationship i have ever had?