saintkenn Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Ok, long winded post here and I will try to keep it to pertinent information and not just fluff. Anyhow... So, my gf and I have been dating for nearly a year now. She's gone through some tough moments in her life, such as losing children in an accident, an abusive relationship, and cheated on. But she has perservered and come through on the other side of it with great faith. She does still have some insecurities though, as you would imagine. I myself have those same insecurities from being cheated on before. That being said, I am still friends with a lot of my exes. My thought process is just because it doesn't work out on one level, doesn't mean we can't still be friends...and that's how all this came to be. A few weeks ago, she went through my phone, she has gut feelings and acts on em, she's done it before and I really don't mind because I have nothing to hide. Well, she saw some messages that were really taken out of context. I was speaking with a friend that lived a ways off that I used to date. Her and a friend came down and purchased a vehicle from me a few weeks ago and I said it was good to see her in the messages. She then called me and told me how tough dating has been and she feels like she gained some weight. So me being stupid, I messaged her and said "if you didn't live so far away, we'd probably still be rockin, haha!" And then a few messages later, I said "you could send me a bikini pic" again, just joking with her. From the outside looking in, this was bad.... She feels like i have emotionally cheated on her, which is the last thing I would honestly do, now I fully admit it was a lapse in judgement and I should have never said those things, but my emotions never strayed from my current. Heck, In a few messages previous, I told this other lady that I was good where I was and wouldn't dare consider leaving. Anyhow, fast foward to now, this past Monday she gave me the whole 'she needs space' thing. I took the worst route with the begging and pleading, looking unattractive. So, I've been trying to give her the time and space, there are other circumstances that we have to communicate on, for instance, we are getting my daughter for the entire summer and she is supposed to be staying with her during the day. So yesterday, after not talking to her for a couple days, I sent her a message about still keeping my daughter so not to interrupt her planned summer and that i would pay her still. The conversation obviously took a turn for the worse. Towards the end of it, she stated "you have just blown any chance you had to be with me, my anxiety is through the roof!" Thing is, shes' been saying this entire time, that she was done, that she didn't want to be with me. I know she was saying that out of anger because one of her friends told me just to give her some time and that she wanted to be with me still, but things needed to change. So for now, I'm going strict no contact with her. I told her that I would NOT message her anymore and respect her wishes. My thing is, yes, I want to be with her, I know that irregardless, I'm going to be ok. Just needed to vent all this out and get some positive feedback. FYI, all of my belongings are still at her house, my boat, my Camaro, even my English bulldog. She hasn't asked me to come get anything yet.
Art_Critic Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 FYI, all of my belongings are still at her house, my boat, my Camaro, even my English bulldog. She hasn't asked me to come get anything yet. Why wouldn't you get your stuff.. you even said strict NC from now one but you can't do that with all your stuff including your dog over there. It seems to me that you made a mistake with the texting of the Ex who bought your car, your current GF saw that as a blow to her own self esteem and it hurt her, it also seems that you made it clear you would be banging her if distance wasn't an issue, so your current GF also saw that as second best.. who wants to be told they are only a stand in and aren't as good as someone else... That being said, you have tried to make amends and apologized and she chose to not accept your apologies... That is on her and her own baggage that she brought to the relationship. All you can do is be good to your word and stop contacting her, but after you go get your stuff... Time will tell, but it sounds like it's over to me. 1
Author saintkenn Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 Yea, completely know that I screwed up. I put someone else's feelings above her's. I was just trying to help someone else's self esteem. As an aside, that girl I messaged and I never had a sexual relationship. I guess I'm leaving my stuff there for now with the hopes of reconciliation. She hasn't asked me to come get it yet, I figure if I was completely done with someone, I'd be making moves to get their stuff out of my house. wishful thinking maybe.
bummer Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 What are you wishing for again? Why is this worth fighting for? There are kids involved and the relationship is frittered with anxiety and mistrust after only a year? My ten cents is that things were already frayed before the texts were discovered. There's no excuse on your part to ask for bikini pics from another woman. No questions. No rebuttal. Ask HER to get your stuff and cut your losses.
preraph Posted June 3, 2018 Posted June 3, 2018 There isn't a woman alive who wouldn't take offense to you writing those things to an ex-girlfriend. And don't give me that "just friends" crap. You may not be sleeping with her now, but you are clearly keeping your foot in the door and letting her know you'd like to again one day. That's JUST what this poor woman needs to have to worry about. You said she lost kids in an accident. That's the worst possible thing that can happen to a woman. It's entirely possible that the prospect of watching your daughter might just be too painful for her. I mean, she keeps getting more and more attached and yet she knows you aren't in it for the long haul and she'll have to lose her too. 1
Author saintkenn Posted June 3, 2018 Author Posted June 3, 2018 Like I said, I realized the error of sending those messages and have cut off all contact with the other woman, even stating to her yet i didn't want to put my relationship at further risk. I know it was stupid, it was a complete lapse, but honestly, there was no motive on my part to cheat. I know it was horrible. She has to work today, so I was going to go get some things and weed eat around the house. I still have a key and my dog is there and she hasn't asked me to get anything.
Veronica73 Posted June 3, 2018 Posted June 3, 2018 You royally screwed up. BIG TIME. And she didn’t take those messages “out of context”. They were inappropriate in any context. But like you, the fact that she hasn’t asked you to get your stuff (and dog!) seems to indicates to me that she is still open to being in a relationship with you. Personally, and obviously I don’t know the full story, I wouldn’t go get your stuff if you really want to continue to be with her. Except your dog maybe.
Author saintkenn Posted June 3, 2018 Author Posted June 3, 2018 Oh, I'm not defending what I did at all, was just trying to give some insight in to my head. I know I screwed up bigly. She messaged me this morning and told me where she put some of my clothes. I just said thank you. She then said my dog was out of food and if I didn't mind, to bring him some. I just got here, she is at work right now. She didn't even take all of my clothes out of the closet. So that's a good sign, right? She did ask that I not be here when she gets home later today, so I'm gonna cut some grass and get our of here.
preraph Posted June 3, 2018 Posted June 3, 2018 I halfway believe you, but it doesn't erase the fact you were totally flirting with your ex, totally. Since she hasn't had a bonfire with your belongings yet, I'll say that you need to tell her (and the ex) that you promise there will be no further contact with her. The ex is just going to have to understand. Then sit with the gf as you write the ex the text telling her you jeopardized the relationship with the nice woman who means the most to you by flirting around with her, an ex, and that you aren't going to do it anymore and are taking her off your contacts and social media and ask her not to contact you for any reason, and show this to your gf and hit Send. Add, if you wish, that your nice gf doesn't need anything else to worry about. Stop passwording your phone and if you use computer also, give gf the password. The only possible way back is complete transparancy, so she doesn't have to wonder or sneak around to find out. She has more at stake than you do. I understand you can be friends with exes, believe me. But what you can't do is keep flirting with them. it's not fair to anyone.
Author saintkenn Posted June 3, 2018 Author Posted June 3, 2018 I already cut off contact with the ex. I unfriended her on Facebook and she asked me why. I told her that I wasn't going to jeopardize my current relationship and talking with her was doing that. My current doesn't know I did that, but I told her I cut off contact. As for today, I cut the grass and cleaned up around the house pretty good. She came home and messaged me. She said she really appreciated the get but it wasn't going to change her mind. All I said was 'you're welcome, I seen it had to be done and I knew your wrist would hurt if you did it.' no begging or any show of emotions. She said that she adjusted it and then started talking about the pool and the pump going out in it. I offered to help with that and she said thanks. So all in all, as good of an outcome that I could expect. There was no anger that, just that she wasn't changing her mind, but it seems to me that she just said that so I wouldn't thing I'm back in. I'm going to continue to not message her unless she initiates conversation for now. I want to ask her to dinner some time this week though and get that turndown
Author saintkenn Posted June 3, 2018 Author Posted June 3, 2018 Oh and I'll add that I have gone full disclosure with her. I have her my login information to messenger and even my phone records. I told her that if she wanted to, she could check all that at anytime she wanted. I have absolutely nothing to hide in this. I've never lied to her but she feels like I did. She told me before that it wasn't my looks or my money that attracted her, it was my honesty. Even though I profess with all of me that I've never lied to her, she feels like I did, and in a sense I agree with her.
guest569 Posted June 4, 2018 Posted June 4, 2018 Even if you didn’t lie to her, you have demonstrated that you are untrustworthy with the secret flirting. I think she has a valid point about emotional cheating. If it can be salvaged then I think you should completely cut off all your exes as you seem to be unaware of how to behave and really need solid boundaries.
Author saintkenn Posted June 4, 2018 Author Posted June 4, 2018 I can certainly agree to that. I want to reconcile my family, of which she is certainly a part of.
Recommended Posts