Potential new gf who has a kid

[confused83]

I have been seeing someone for around 2 months now who has a 7 year old. I have no kids but would love 1 someday. Anyway (ill try to keep it short), its bugging me that something just isnt right and she is wanting me to now meet the kid so im kind of in a place where its make or break as id hate to meet the kid and change my mind.

 

The problem is realling confusing me, bascially shes everything i said i wanted, kind hearted, family orientated, good looking, the works. But something is just holding me back. She does live an hours drive away and ive already noticed that if we was tk get serious id be the 1 who had to move. It would mean leaving friends and family, leaving my job etc. I know its too early to think that way but when theres a child involved id prefer to be certain of a future beforehand. Im 33 shes 29 if thag matters. I just dont know what to do and kind of feel like shes noticed im being more reserved lately as its reaching crunch time. I also think about how it was with my ex, after 2 dates it just clicked and we couldnt keep our hands off each other. With the new one im more... reserved and not as fussed if we dont text or be lovey. I like her a lot but i cant figure out why im just not feeling that urge to talk and be open. Shes everything on paper i want but im confused as hell as to whether i should call it a day now or keep trying and hope it clicks hoping im just holding back because of the distance and kid. Anyone been there? Any advice appreciated. For the record she is already there, really full on and already discussing how great the future could be. Her friends family etc all know about me and i feel an absolute horrible person for feeling this way. My friends are all saying stick with it, shes perfect etc. They all think itll happen but when ive fallen madly for someone before in such a short space of time i stupidly compare it. The distance also stops me doing the days out that i like as every date revolves around her town as she has to be close incase her child needs her which i understand but i feel like im missing out on what i like to do on dates. Im so confused

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You're not ready to meet her child. She may be bummed out about this, but you matter in this relationship, too, and her young child definitely does! 2 months is too soon, especially for a distance of an hour where you don't really see her all that much.

[smackie9]

I have been in your shoes....everything you want in a person BUT there really isn't chemistry there, yes it gets confusing. You may say it's the other things but no, if you were head over heels for her, you would do anything to be with her. Those other things are you building a case against going any further. I think it's only fair to be honest with her and stop wasting everyone's time.

[confused83]

You're not ready to meet her child. She may be bummed out about this, but you matter in this relationship, too, and her young child definitely does! 2 months is too soon, especially for a distance of an hour where you don't really see her all that much.

 

That's similar to what i was thinking. We've met 5 times in those 2 months. We do talk everyday but it all just feels too soon especially when i was already reserved at the fact ive only been single 6 months. Think i need to tell her we need to slow down as shes already got her friends inviting us out to events and I'm not even close to being there.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's similar to what i was thinking. We've met 5 times in those 2 months. We do talk everyday but it all just feels too soon especially when i was already reserved at the fact ive only been single 6 months. Think i need to tell her we need to slow down as shes already got her friends inviting us out to events and I'm not even close to being there.

 

Definitely.

[confused83]

I have been in your shoes....everything you want in a person BUT there really isn't chemistry there, yes it gets confusing. You may say it's the other things but no, if you were head over heels for her, you would do anything to be with her. Those other things are you building a case against going any further. I think it's only fair to be honest with her and stop wasting everyone's time.

 

That's the thing im concerned ill call it a day when in 3 or 4 more dates something may just click. But i also know from past that what youve said is right. My ex for example after just 2 dates id of not had any doubts.

[smackie9]

It's obvious she's head over heels for you, so you two are not even close to being on the same page. I have been in her shoes...it didn't work out for me each time. Being told to slow down, or pulling back is hurtful. Puts a damper on things.

[Gaeta]

I don't think meeting someone 5 times over 2 months is enough to feel 'over heels' for someone. Your gf wants to move this relationship forward too fast. Meeting children after 5 dates is too soon, and it's normal to not want to be involved with friends and family that soon either.

 

 

 

Not all relationships start with an explosion of sparks. Some people grow in love and it's as strong or even stronger. If you were not freshly out of a relationship I'd say give it time to fall in love BUT because you're recently single, and it's probably why you cannot connect with this woman I say you break up with her. Telling her to slow down would be cruel and we all know she'd probably be to you a transition girlfriend.

[BaileyB]

Introducing someone to your child after 5 dates is WAY too soon. It says something about her judgment.

 

Trust your gut. When there are children to consider, slow and steady wins the race.

Edited June 2, 2018 by BaileyB

[act00]

Somewhere around 2-3 months of a new relationship, the warm-fuzzies start to wear off and reality hits...whether it's personality, lifestyle, sense of humor, job and living arrangements, money, kids/no kids (already existing or desire for them), pets, likes and preferences, political leanings, religious convictions...the list goes on.

 

At two months, it seems awfully fast to be pushing you into "meet the potential stepchild." You really don't have any idea if you and your girlfriend are in a place that this will go the long haul. It's too soon.

 

You have a lot to think about, the biggest issue being taking on this child as your own. You are starting to feel the burden of always having to make the drive to her. It will make things easier if you could date in a family way, so she could travel to you, but this would require putting up the child for the weekend, and creating a home environment, and I don't know that your relationship is in that place yet. You still aren't in a place that you're sure about HER long-term, let alone taking on a 1st grader.

 

If things take off, she could relocate to you, but she could be giving up her support system of friends/family/trusted sitter, plus job and career, the child's father...she may not be willing or able.

 

IMO, it's too soon to be introducing the kids, but I fully agree you are at that make it or break it point of the relationship...a naturally evolving point of the honeymoon phase ending. Something is "off," as you state, and maybe it's time to part ways, or maybe it's time to discuss the future and get some solid footing...maybe not leap into the issue of the child yet, and keep that aspect separate for a few more months and make sure that you and she can survive the long-term. I don't know what "off" means...whether it's insecurity about the idea of relocating to her area or taking on a child as your own, or that there's simply something with you two what doesn't work...you're 8 weeks, 2 months into a relationship, which is the honeymoon phase, and you just don't know yet.

 

My thought is if she can't wait a few more months before being an insta-mix family, you may be better off calling it off. I feel like she's rushing and she's not being particularly responsible when it comes to her child who will attach to you, and she doesn't even really KNOW you.

[confused83]

As an update. We've had a chat and she took it really well. We've decided to take it slower and enjoy dating then see where it goes without the pressure of meeting kids etc yet.

[amaysngrace]

Instant family....just add water

 

Glad you've decided to slow it down. It sounds like you're sensible where she may be lacking, I'm sorry to say.

[confused83]

It probably makes me sound horrible but im really debating not wanting to raise somebody elses child again and after having some time to myself yesterday im still in 2 minds.

 

I do really like this girl but i have dated someone in the past who had a 1 year old. We where together just over 2 years and its so much harder than people think. Not the raising a kid part as i found that rewarding and easy eapecially as his real father wasnt around. But its so hard when it ends, youve practically gone from a relationship where the child is even seeing you as his dad, raising him, potty training, learning to walk, talk, everything a parent does and even spending almost all your wages on the child to suddenly... its over and you never get to see the kid again. I took it really hard and that was almost 6 years ago, i promised myself at the time id never get involved with a single parent again as you can spend all your time and money on them, even love them as your own and 1 day its taken away like you never even mattered. I think when people consider dating someone with a kid tjats the 1 thing they dont think of. Wjat happenes IF it all goes wrong. You arent the dad, you have no rights to see the kid again. I guess im making excuses to not fall for her because i already am a little and its worrying me a lot that im getting involved again with somebody whos got a kid. Before anybody has a go at me i didnt date her intentionally knowing id feel this way i actually assumed id be okay the 2nd time around dating a single mother but im finding it harder than expected to let myself go with it.

[Gaeta]

It probably makes me sound horrible but im really debating not wanting to raise somebody elses child again and after having some time to myself yesterday im still in 2 minds.

 

I do really like this girl but i have dated someone in the past who had a 1 year old. We where together just over 2 years and its so much harder than people think. Not the raising a kid part as i found that rewarding and easy eapecially as his real father wasnt around. But its so hard when it ends, youve practically gone from a relationship where the child is even seeing you as his dad, raising him, potty training, learning to walk, talk, everything a parent does and even spending almost all your wages on the child to suddenly... its over and you never get to see the kid again. I took it really hard and that was almost 6 years ago, i promised myself at the time id never get involved with a single parent again as you can spend all your time and money on them, even love them as your own and 1 day its taken away like you never even mattered. I think when people consider dating someone with a kid tjats the 1 thing they dont think of. Wjat happenes IF it all goes wrong. You arent the dad, you have no rights to see the kid again. I guess im making excuses to not fall for her because i already am a little and its worrying me a lot that im getting involved again with somebody whos got a kid. Before anybody has a go at me i didnt date her intentionally knowing id feel this way i actually assumed id be okay the 2nd time around dating a single mother but im finding it harder than expected to let myself go with it.

 

 

You won't get any judgment from me. I saw my brother broken in pieces when he broke up with his ex. He had raised her 2 girls from age of 2 to 7. Not only it broke my brother but it broke my parents who served as grand-parents the the little girls.

 

It doesn't feel right to you so listen to yourself. It won't be a big deal to break up with her now you've only been on 5 dates.

[confused83]

You won't get any judgment from me. I saw my brother broken in pieces when he broke up with his ex. He had raised her 2 girls from age of 2 to 7. Not only it broke my brother but it broke my parents who served as grand-parents the the little girls.

 

It doesn't feel right to you so listen to yourself. It won't be a big deal to break up with her now you've only been on 5 dates.

 

Yeah i see so many posts online where guys get a raw deal for not dating single mothers but that is the 1 thing people forget about. It was horrible to go to my parenrs and tell them a kid theyd just bought christmas presents for theyd never see again. It took me about a month to get over my ex yet a good year to come to terms with losing the little lad too.

[act00]

It's no picnic for the mom either, which is why I feel it's a little bit reckless and irresponsible for your GF to push you into the family way after such a short period of time and getting the child involved and attached to you. You don't really know each other that well to know you'll last six months, let alone years, and this child will also suffer a loss if she's allowed to get to know you and attach to you, and then suddenly you're out of the picture.

 

No judgment from me if you don't see potential in this relationship or you avoid dating single moms. At some point you'll meet "the one" and if she has children, you'll probably take that risk again, but you're definitely right in taking things at a slower pace...it's a lot to take on and a greater loss if things don't work out.

[Happy Lemming]

It probably makes me sound horrible but im really debating not wanting to raise somebody elses child again and after having some time to myself yesterday im still in 2 minds.

 

No it doesn't make you sound horrible, at all.

 

I tried (once) to date a single mother (many years ago). It was horrible, all the mother did was complain about the ex-husband, the money he didn't pay, the clothing that didn't come home with the child after a visit, etc. etc. Moreover, every time she was short for daycare or some other child expense she expected me to pay. I got my fill of it pretty quickly and left the situation.

 

From that day forward, I would not date a woman with a child.

 

Its Number 1 on my "deal breaker" list.

[coolheadal]

Yeah i see so many posts online where guys get a raw deal for not dating single mothers but that is the 1 thing people forget about. It was horrible to go to my parenrs and tell them a kid theyd just bought christmas presents for theyd never see again. It took me about a month to get over my ex yet a good year to come to terms with losing the little lad too.

 

3 years ago I with a woman with 5 year old. I thought it would work. I was wrong. The mother was into me but I felt it wouldn't work raising her kid. She told the kid I would never be her daddy. Which wasn't nice to tell the 5 year old. I found myself spending so much money on the mom and the kid. It's not easy to raise someone else kid. The child had ruled the mom and you had to please both otherwise it wasn't easy to live there. In the end we did get a baby sitter (cost $30) not cheap. Mom was real fun without her child in tow. But in the end I decided to end it all after 6 months of dating and living in her house.

[heavenonearth]

If she is the one, you will know right away. It doesn’t take 2 months to “click”.

 

It needs to “click” for something to be built on top of that - which is usually the first two years of being in a new relationship.

 

I knew i wanted to be with my boyfriend the moment i met him. I knew that i would love him one day. It clicked right away for both of us. We still took it slow. But it was organic and we didn’t need to make any “rules”.

I met my boyfriends parents and family for the first time after dating him for 4.5 months. This was one day after he officially asked me to be my boyfriend. It took us 4.5 months to make it official.

Things went more quickly after that. The “i love you”s and all that.

 

Look. You should be head over heels for this woman. But you are not.

I think she deserves a guy who is sure about her.

[Marc878]

She's jumping the gun. If you have mixed feelings then everything isn't perfect.

 

Trust your gut here.

[confused83]

Well i feel awful. We've just got back from another date. She is the sweetest, kindest girl i think ive ever met, seems to have an absolute heart of gold but even after getting some feelings for her there is still something that doesnt seem right. Its bugging me so much, shes attractive and basically everything i said i wanted on paper. When she talks about the child i do hold myself back and i keep thinking 'what if i meet her a couple more times maybe itll click' i also keep thinking what if my past relationships where wrong and this is right... but i know it isnt. I looked back through some old photos and noticed after 2 weeks with my ex i was seemingly head over heels for her. For some unknown reason it just wont happen with tge new woman and i feel absolutely devastated that im going to have to tell her. Shes had a pretty rough life as her ex wasnt the best, i feel shocking and horrible

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well i feel awful. We've just got back from another date. She is the sweetest, kindest girl i think ive ever met, seems to have an absolute heart of gold but even after getting some feelings for her there is still something that doesnt seem right. Its bugging me so much, shes attractive and basically everything i said i wanted on paper. When she talks about the child i do hold myself back and i keep thinking 'what if i meet her a couple more times maybe itll click' i also keep thinking what if my past relationships where wrong and this is right... but i know it isnt. I looked back through some old photos and noticed after 2 weeks with my ex i was seemingly head over heels for her. For some unknown reason it just wont happen with tge new woman and i feel absolutely devastated that im going to have to tell her. Shes had a pretty rough life as her ex wasnt the best, i feel shocking and horrible

 

What a bummer . I feel really sad for you . There's a reason they wrote a whole song about how breaking up is hard to do!

[Chilli]

She's being selfish or something no way you should meet her child yet , and your iffy anyway.

You have more common sense about this than she has yet your not even a parent.

 

You shouldn't meet them for 12 mths and even then only if your sure there is really a future.

for very obvious reasons.

[Imajerk17]

I may get heat for saying this. But I am wondering if she is looking for a father figure for her child. It doesn't imply she means to be using you OP per se... But there is a possibility that she is looking for someone to lean on and is trying to fast-forward things, in a way a woman w no kids may not. And as a decent stable good-hearted guy you fit the bill.

 

I think you are right to have your guard up, ESPECIALLY because she talks about her child so much. You just may not be ready for the responsibility and if fathering someone else's kids doesn't sound appealing to you--nothing wrong w that. I would break it off sooner rather than later thoigh.

Edited June 10, 2018 by Imajerk17