lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Hi All, So, I've been seeing this lady since October. It has been the best relationship I've ever been in, and it's clear that we care deeply for each other. Sometimes, I think she gets too into her head though, and I do think, at times, her sisters (she has two, but at least one of them) might be playing a role in it. She gets in her head, and some VERY small things bother her. I play caring guy, saying that I'll play close attention, and after some time, she's understanding and everything is great again. I'm back home (2 hour plane ride away) visiting my parents. Her sisters, who live out of the country, are visiting her. I've met them both pretty briefly before (at one of their weddings), and it seems that they liked me. However, the older one (33) seems to be very opinionated, she's in a weird "relationship" herself (with a deadbeat guy who she has been trying to get out of a relationship with for age, it seems), and has the attention span of a goldfish. I have a FEELING that she is "sharing" what she dislikes about me to her younger sister, my girlfriend, and it's coming from a judgmental place of "I can't keep a boyfriend myself" (both my girlfriend and her hate the other sister's boyfriend). Since I've been home, today my girlfriend has texted me two somewhat random things: 1) "You're boring" 2) "Sometimes I think you don't pay attention to a damn thing I say" I think both of these are INCREDIBLY unfair/untrue (I can go into detail if you all wish). She seems annoyed/pissed at me. I don't want the relationship to end, but if she wants to end it, I'd be OK with it because, frankly, I don't want to date a girl whose sisters make decisions for her. More details forthcoming (I'm typing this quickly, on my way out). Also worth noting, I can possibly be making a lot of nothing.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Also worth noting, I can possibly be making a lot of nothing. I have no idea if her sister is involved or not, but randomly texting you that you're "boring" is cruel. Personally, I'd get mad at that! 1
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Your girlfriend sounds restless. Having sex only with you isn't enough and keeping your relationship conversations private isn't enough either. It's like for her there is nothing sacred in your relationship.
Author lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 Your girlfriend sounds restless. Having sex only with you isn't enough and keeping your relationship conversations private isn't enough either. It's like for her there is nothing sacred in your relationship. Huh? Don't know what you mean...
Author lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 (edited) I have no idea if her sister is involved or not, but randomly texting you that you're "boring" is cruel. Personally, I'd get mad at that! I think it was said in jest, but sometimes she says things that I'm not quite sure she is aware the depth of her words. I asked her if she was going to an amusement park with her family tomorrow. She responded that she was. I said "rollercoasters, huh?" (I hate rollercoasters) She responded: "ALL the rollercoasters. I respond: "You cray." She responded: "You're boring." It may have been in jest, but it sounds a bit harsh? I don't know. To me it sounds a bit overboard. Even if she changed it to "you boring," it would have came off as more joke-y. I get it. She's with family, and she most likely doesn't want to text me as much when she's with family. Still, she sounds different than usual when she texts me (more serious, less playful, not answering all my questions, accusatory in some texts). My intuition is telling me that her one sister, who seems a HUGE mess to me (but clearly loves her life living in tropical weather, doing what she loves, making just enough money to survive while having a hundred pets and seeing a dude on and off that's terrible for her) thinks I'm "boring" because I'm not as whimsical and hasty as she thinks people SHOULD be (again, very opinionated and judgmental). It's even a joke within her own family! "Kelly will be Kelly" when she does something off-the-wall, picks up a new weird hobby or interest, or doesn't respond when asked a crucially important question (like, about arrangements for her sister's wedding) because she feels "overwhelmed" and "too tied down." Note: I actually REALLY like this sister, and she and I get along fine, but I got the sense from her that if I didn't align with her values, she would report that to my girlfriend as a negative, and I get the sense that her opinion is VERY important to my girlfriend. Also other note: Worth noting that I have NO idea if the sister really is in her ear, but my gut tells me it MIGHT be so. GF and her sisters are VERY tight like that. If there is a SINGLE, LITTLE thing that my gf doesn't like about me, her sisters probably know more about it than I do (she'd never tell me to my face, even though I've asked her to tell me if she had any concerns to vocalize them, and we can talk through them). Edited June 2, 2018 by lakerman34
carhill Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 My .02, having been married to someone with two sisters, three brothers and a whole bunch of adult nieces... 1. They're family. Whatever their relationships are, they will remain during your time and long after if you're not 'the one' for life. If the sister is up in GF's business, she'll be up in GF's business. If GF shares your (and other lovers) unmentionables with sisters, she does. 2. I'd suggest saving relationship items for face-to-face. If GF shoots a missive like in your examples via text, acknowledge receipt but don't expand it. Leave it. That 'you don't listen to a thing I say' comment is a great example. Deal with that in person. 3. You're in under a year and since you called her 33 yo sister 'older', I presume you're fairly young. What's your goal here? Marriage and children? LTR? Exclusive dating? Etc? If the first, you'll marry into her family. No sugar coating there. They are who they are. If you're serious, this is a time for deepening intimacy and limerance beginning to morph into long-term love. Reality begins to settle in and each of your warts (no one is perfect) begin to be explored. It's a time when relationships are tested and some fail. Are you making a lot of nothing? IDK, what do you think? IMO, you're noting stuff and can choose what importance you assign to it. I went through something similar with my wife except sooner since we were older and there was more marital and relationship stuff gone prior. It got pretty real pretty fast. IMO, if you do love and respect each other, you'll get through it.
Author lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 (edited) My .02, having been married to someone with two sisters, three brothers and a whole bunch of adult nieces... 1. They're family. Whatever their relationships are, they will remain during your time and long after if you're not 'the one' for life. If the sister is up in GF's business, she'll be up in GF's business. If GF shares your (and other lovers) unmentionables with sisters, she does. 2. I'd suggest saving relationship items for face-to-face. If GF shoots a missive like in your examples via text, acknowledge receipt but don't expand it. Leave it. That 'you don't listen to a thing I say' comment is a great example. Deal with that in person. 3. You're in under a year and since you called her 33 yo sister 'older', I presume you're fairly young. What's your goal here? Marriage and children? LTR? Exclusive dating? Etc? If the first, you'll marry into her family. No sugar coating there. They are who they are. If you're serious, this is a time for deepening intimacy and limerance beginning to morph into long-term love. Reality begins to settle in and each of your warts (no one is perfect) begin to be explored. It's a time when relationships are tested and some fail. Are you making a lot of nothing? IDK, what do you think? IMO, you're noting stuff and can choose what importance you assign to it. I went through something similar with my wife except sooner since we were older and there was more marital and relationship stuff gone prior. It got pretty real pretty fast. IMO, if you do love and respect each other, you'll get through it. We definitely respect each other, and we haven't ever said "I love you" (we are sort of in a stand-off right now, I think, who is going to say it first), but I think it's definitely implied & understood. Also, we'll both be 28 years old soon, so maybe "fairly young," but not very young. Sometimes, she'll bring up an "issue," but always reverts back to everything being fine (and genuinely so). It's kind of annoying (shortly after my posting this, she sent me a Snap of kohlrabi at the supermarket. I told her to buy some, and she said "we'll buy some when you're back, I'm with family now!") I told my older brother (who, honestly, not the best to get relationship advice from as he hasn't ever been in a serious relationship), and he basically told me "lots of women like attention. If it's a serious issue, she'll persist, if it's attention-seeking, don't feed it and she'll be fine." I hate that he might be right. Edited June 2, 2018 by lakerman34
coolheadal Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 (edited) Come on now reverse that message back to her and see what she comes back with? 1) "You're boring" 2) "Sometimes I think you don't pay attention to a damn thing I say" Call her bluff and use her mental emotional attempts how your mind back to her. If there are others involved you to to crush that now otherwise you won't have that perfect relationship with her. It would be you her and her sisters pulling the strings. Also your have answered your own question with this statement! I'd be OK with it because, frankly, I don't want to date a girl whose sisters make decisions for her. By-the-way text that statement back to her and just don't text anything more. Wait a week or 2 if you do not get a I am sorry then move on.. Do not say anything do not call do not text do not beg either.. Stop being so nice to women who treat you like this. Edited June 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 Come on now reverse that message back to her and see what she comes back with? 1) "You're boring" 2) "Sometimes I think you don't pay attention to a damn thing I say" Call her bluff and use her mental emotional attempts how your mind back to her. If there are others involved you to to crush that now otherwise you won't have that perfect relationship with her. It would be you her and her sisters pulling the strings. Also your have answered your own question with this statement! I'd be OK with it because, frankly, I don't want to date a girl whose sisters make decisions for her. By-the-way text that statement back to her and just don't text anything more. Wait a week or 2 if you do not get a I am sorry then move on.. Do not say anything do not call do not text do not beg either.. Stop being so nice to women who treat you like this. Way too much.
coolheadal Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Way too much. Don't get scared my friend you know what's really going on and don't hide the fact of the matter. Sometimes the truth hurts. You have to toss it back when she toss it back at you. If you can't do that well keep allowing her to mess with your mind. Because she's doing it so well and your just accepting it. Case closed!
Author lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 Don't get scared my friend you know what's really going on and don't hide the fact of the matter. Sometimes the truth hurts. You have to toss it back when she toss it back at you. If you can't do that well keep allowing her to mess with your mind. Because she's doing it so well and your just accepting it. Case closed! Thank you. Alarmism, fatalism. It's not THAT bad.
smackie9 Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 I do agree she is a poor communicator. She passive/ aggressive with the other comment, and it's childish. I don't think her sister is an influence, what I see is a family trait. They all don't know how to handle themselves in a relaitonship due to poor communicative skills with a partner. I wouldn't say "throw it back at her" but do ask her to explain herself...call her out on it, and request that she makes things more clearer. Encourage her to open up better if there is something isn't right, and not take personal stabs at you.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 I think it was said in jest, but sometimes she says things that I'm not quite sure she is aware the depth of her words. I asked her if she was going to an amusement park with her family tomorrow. She responded that she was. I said "rollercoasters, huh?" (I hate rollercoasters) She responded: "ALL the rollercoasters. I respond: "You cray." She responded: "You're boring." It may have been in jest, but it sounds a bit harsh? I don't know. To me it sounds a bit overboard. Even if she changed it to "you boring," it would have came off as more joke-y. Oh, well I think that was just playful banter.
Author lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 Got an interesting text message from her this morning -- could be nothing, but isn't consistent with her past actions. She's going to an amusement park with her sisters. She texted me saying that she "wouldn't have her phone with her all day." I smell fish. She's not the type of girl to just leave her phone home. It COULD be so she doesn't feel the need to read/answer work emails, but she's the type to not go without being on her phone -- I was kind of expecting that she'd be sending me photos all day. I didn't bother responding, because why should I? I'll be monitoring her Google Chat and Whatsapp accounts though. If it says she's on at any point today, I'm going to take 20 massive steps back from this relationship.
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 I think it was said in jest, but sometimes she says things that I'm not quite sure she is aware the depth of her words. I asked her if she was going to an amusement park with her family tomorrow. She responded that she was. I said "rollercoasters, huh?" (I hate rollercoasters) She responded: "ALL the rollercoasters. I respond: "You cray." She responded: "You're boring." I wish you had put that in context on your first post. Now that I see the context it means nothing at all but a bit of teasing on her part.
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Got an interesting text message from her this morning -- could be nothing, but isn't consistent with her past actions. She's going to an amusement park with her sisters. She texted me saying that she "wouldn't have her phone with her all day." I smell fish. She's not the type of girl to just leave her phone home. It COULD be so she doesn't feel the need to read/answer work emails, but she's the type to not go without being on her phone -- I was kind of expecting that she'd be sending me photos all day. I didn't bother responding, because why should I? I'll be monitoring her Google Chat and Whatsapp accounts though. If it says she's on at any point today, I'm going to take 20 massive steps back from this relationship. Where is this lack of trust coming from? You seem to be suspicious of every little thing.
Author lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 (edited) Where is this lack of trust coming from? You seem to be suspicious of every little thing. You're probably right. Probably nothing. A million questions running in my head. I've had some ****ty relationships in the past, where I was emotionally abused (I have thick skin, so I just took it), where I was mistreated, and, in once case, a bipolar girl went around telling people how evil I was (and they believed her). This girl is so good to me, I just don't want to lose her. I just needed reassurance that it's probably nothing. Still, it's pretty inconsistent with her past actions, so I'm going to watch this situation carefully. Edited June 2, 2018 by lakerman34
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Got an interesting text message from her this morning -- could be nothing, but isn't consistent with her past actions. She's going to an amusement park with her sisters. She texted me saying that she "wouldn't have her phone with her all day." I smell fish. She's not the type of girl to just leave her phone home. It COULD be so she doesn't feel the need to read/answer work emails, but she's the type to not go without being on her phone -- I was kind of expecting that she'd be sending me photos all day. I didn't bother responding, because why should I? I'll be monitoring her Google Chat and Whatsapp accounts though. If it says she's on at any point today, I'm going to take 20 massive steps back from this relationship. She probably doesn't want to lose it on a ride or get it wet on a water ride. Chill.
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Still, it's pretty inconsistent with her past actions, so I'm going to watch this situation carefully. How many times she went to an amusement park since you're dating? It sounds like the first time. Sure you know a few of her habits but you don't know her amusement park habits. There is a lot of things you still don't know about her and her habits.
Author lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 You are all likely right. Thank you. I need to chill. Still though, I do think we need to have the conversation about how to communicate with each other. It started off really well, but we have been slipping lately. I don't know if it's due to comfortability, her feeling stressed out, whatever, but it's what leads me to push the PANIC button. 1
preraph Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Don't make anything out of that in that context. You called her crazy, and she shot back you boring. If you start seeing a trend, though, have a talk. Certainly sisters probably tell each other a lot, and friends. It's how women are and a lot of men too. But that doesn't mean it's THEIR fault if she goes down a road you don't like. No one's twisting her arm whatever she does. She has her own brain. 1
Author lakerman34 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Posted June 2, 2018 Don't make anything out of that in that context. You called her crazy, and she shot back you boring. If you start seeing a trend, though, have a talk. Certainly sisters probably tell each other a lot, and friends. It's how women are and a lot of men too. But that doesn't mean it's THEIR fault if she goes down a road you don't like. No one's twisting her arm whatever she does. She has her own brain. Yeah, she went a LITTLE overboard (there's actually a history of the word 'boring' in our relationship), but I do think it was her poor attempt at banter. I'm deciding not to make a huge deal out of this. She's with her sisters. Last time she was with her sisters, it was Christmas, and it was cold so it was a lot of hanging out indoors and boredom (and, thus, communication). I go back tomorrow. I think my move is to return quietly and wait for her to invite me out or whatever her plans are.
coolheadal Posted June 3, 2018 Posted June 3, 2018 Yeah, she went a LITTLE overboard (there's actually a history of the word 'boring' in our relationship), but I do think it was her poor attempt at banter. I'm deciding not to make a huge deal out of this. She's with her sisters. Last time she was with her sisters, it was Christmas, and it was cold so it was a lot of hanging out indoors and boredom (and, thus, communication). I go back tomorrow. I think my move is to return quietly and wait for her to invite me out or whatever her plans are. Not very patient, but still what you said to you is troubling.. She won't have her phone with her. So she could call you from one of her other sister's phone. Just see what she does?
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