Stuck between My Ex and a New Boy! Who do I choose?

[Noelle94]

My story is a little long, so I apologize. My boyfriend and I had been dating for a year. I was also suffering from really bad depression and anxiety. It made me skeptical, insecure, I could hardly get out of bed most days, and social events became really hard for me. I was off my medication because it was making me gain weight and be extremely tired. My boyfriend and I started arguing almost every day. Eventually I decided I needed to be on my own because the constant arguing was only making me feel worse. I broke it off with him.

 

A few weeks later my best friend asked if I wanted to come move out to her apartment in Denver (I was currently living in Chicago). It seemed like a good idea. I could start fresh out there. Maybe a new start was what I needed.

 

2 months passed and I was nearing the date I’d be moving to Denver, when on Valentine’s Day I received a text from my ex. He asked me to meet him for lunch as sort of a “going away” get together. I hadn’t seen him since the breakup and I assumed he was over me so it seemed harmless. I met him.

 

Instantly when we saw each other it was like old times, before the fighting. He made my heart race and it almost felt like a high. I had no idea I even missed him this much. He told me he had never lost anyone as special to him as i was and he just couldn’t get over me. One drink led to another and we wound up in bed together that night. “You could stay here, with me. We could get an apartment. I just got this new job and I’ll be making a lot of money. I go for training in Dallas for six weeks and when I come back we could get a place here in the city,” he said.

“What about my anxiety and depression?” I said.

“I’m here to help you the whole way. We will get you better and I’ll be right by your side,” he said.

 

I sat at the end of the bed then, and cried.. I knew I wanted to leave for Denver, and I knew only two months ago I had said I needed to be alone to get better... but the feeling of being with him again was euphoric. It was like those two months apart made us closer. After a few days of back and forth thinking and spending more time with him I decided to call up my friend (she had other potential roommate options so she wasn’t mad) and told her I couldn’t come to Denver anymore.

 

The next two months were amazing. It was like a honeymoon phase all over again. When I was with him I didn’t feel as depressed. We even told each other we loved each other which we never had before. I decided I’d go back on medication and start seeing a therapist again. I wanted to get better for not only myself but for him too, but my doctor was booked months out. I scheduled the appointment, and the day came where he had to leave for Dallas.

 

“When I get back we will start our life together and be better than ever.” He said. But immediately when he left I felt my heart just sink. His training was 10 hours a day every day. And when he was done with class he was usually too tired to talk or hanging with colleagues instead of calling. He would ignore my texts and I’d see social media posts of him with a bunch of colleagues in his hotel room (most of which were women) and I started to get very insecure.

 

I became clingy. Getting angry when he wouldn’t answer. “I love you I’m just very busy,” he would say. “Maybe we should just take it slow while I’m in training. You know, take it day by day and see if this is really going to work.” He didn’t call for a few days and I ended up having a really bad anxiety attack and had to be taken to the hospital because my heart rate wouldn’t go down and I couldn’t breathe. They gave me medication to calm me down.

 

The next day i texted him telling him what had happened, because I figured he should know I’d spent the night in the hospital. “I’m really worried about you...” he said. I asked if I could call him and he said that wasn’t a good idea. I knew it that moment I had freaked him out. He didn’t call for a week after and his texts were short and emotionless. Eventually he texted me one night and said “Look, I love you so much and this goes against everything I said to you but I am not ready for a relationship. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me and I feel like I know I want it to be you in the long run.... but I’m not ready for this. You should move on, but I hope we can still be friends because you’re my best friend.”

 

I was devastated. He had dumped me through text from 800 miles away. I couldn’t eat (lost 15 pounds) and couldn’t sleep. Luckily my doctors appointment came up and I was able to start a new antidepressant and therapy sessions so I could make some improvement. I had hoped to hear from him but I never did. After two weeks I gave in and texted him asking if we could meet up to talk when he got back to Chicago. He had fought so hard for me, he couldn’t expect me not to fight for him. He avoided the question. “Look today is kind of a bad day to talk, I’m in a bad mood.” And that was it.

 

I decided to apartment hunt on my own and just signed a lease last week. Yesterday was the day he arrived back in Chicago. I haven’t heard from him. I have been on my medication for 3 weeks now and I want to show him how hard I’m trying to improve myself. But I don’t know if I should try to reach out again or give up hope? His last text was..... odd. Was it my fault the relationship ended or his for knowing what he was getting into and just quitting? Do you think if I tried not contacting him for a while maybe he’d come back? Positive and negative criticism is accepted you won’t hurt my feelings I promise. Thank you

[Happy Lemming]

He told you (in advance) that he had 10 weeks of training. Why didn't you leave him alone and let him focus on work/training??

 

Of course he has to bond with his new co-workers, its called networking. Those new co-workers may get promoted and remember him for a new or better position.

 

Yes you are dealing with depression, but you didn't have to infiltrate his training time. An occasional text or picture every couple of days... Or better yet, let him text you and tell you about his day in training.

 

As for what to do now?? Leave him alone... he found his way back to you on Valentine's day, maybe that will happen, again. Or maybe not...

[preraph]

He sounds like a good guy, but no one wants someone depending on them for their happiness. Any smart person knows you have to find happiness within yourself to truly to be happy with anyone else. He was a panacea for you. I don't know your disorder, but if it's a mood disorder, seeing him again was a catalyst for you to change moods.

 

You only mentioned meds in the last sentence. I don't want to assume, but to me, that means you went off your meds at some point and let yourself slide back down. A lot of good people will see someone through a hard time IF they are doing everything they can to help themselves, like therapy and staying off substances and working with a psychiatrist to customize meds until they find a combination that works.

 

I had a new friend a few years ago that I met on the internet who was local and knew a few of my old crowd, so we began having lunch. Then one day she just went to bed like you did. I kept trying to get together with her. She would come right out and tell me she'd gone off her meds. She wanted to stay off them because when not taking them, she lost weight without trying. Now, we are both older, and she looked fantastic without losing weight for a woman her age.

 

I kept trying and the most I could get her to do is let me come over (it's a pretty long drive, close to an hour) and go with her to do the only thing she was making herself do in a day, which is pick up her grandkids from school. I did this a time or two, but she just never snapped out of it, so I let her go eventually.

 

You have to do your part to stay healthy. People are more forgiving if they know how hard you're trying. But most people quickly get disgusted and are just saddened if you stop your meds and let yourself plummet. I know it's not easy getting meds regulated and not all of them work and some make you sick, but you always need to let your psychiatrist know, after giving it long enough to accumulate in your system and start working, how it's working or if after a period you still have side effects. Because there's a universe of psychotropic meds out there and infinite combinations to try and one should improve you. But you have to take them exactly as the doctor prescribes, then give feedback, and never ever take fewer because you're having a good day or more because you're not -- and it's absolutely dangerous to ever stop a med without consulting your doctor first.

 

Sorry for the lecture, but when we're having issues, we aren't always thinking straight. I've been there. So I'm trying to be straight with you. Good luck.

[Noelle94]

I want to get better and I’m trying so hard but I feel like I can hArdly tell if the meds are working because I’m so distraught about the breakup. It feels like I took one step forward and two steps back. It’s very frustrating

 

I wish I could just tell him how sorry I am but I don’t want to risk getting another cold reply or no reply at all.

Edited May 19, 2018 by Noelle94
Typo

[d0nnivain]

You need to manage your depression on your own. No BF, friend or family member can do it for you. You can be in a relationship but you can't make any part of that relationship about your medical conditions. You suffer from depression & anxiety. You will always have those diagnoses. You will have them if you are unmarried, single, dating somebody, married, divorced or widowed. They are internal to you. Nothing & nobody will ever change that.

 

You have to de self reliant even with those medical needs. You can't make your relationship status conditioned up your health. Your love is despite this, not because of it.

 

I have both conditions. They have nothing to do with my husband nor did they have anything to do with my EX BFs. They are about me, like yours are about you.

 

You were wrong to pressure him from far away while he was working to reassure you. He wasn't wrong to walk away but he was kind of insensitive to do it by text after everything.

[preraph]

I want to get better and I’m trying so hard but I feel like I can hArdly tell if the meds are working because I’m so distraught about the breakup. It feels like I took one step forward and two steps back. It’s very frustrating

 

I wish I could just tell him how sorry I am but I don’t want to risk getting another cold reply or no reply at all.

 

I had the type of depression that was mainly caused by situations but could last a long long time. Main thing is that you can't tell how much is your mental health problem and how much just being upset with breakup. So most important thing is do not make any changes in your meds for now. For certain, the breakup is exacerbating things, no doubt. It does everyone. You'd be miserable now whether you had existent mental health issues or not.

 

Keep it simple. Keep your med regimen up. Add an exercise regimen to keep your body from accumulating tension. You probably don't feel like it, but often the shortest path to start feeling better is to make yourself do things even when you don't feel like it. Plan at least a weekly outing to distract yourself, either with friends or for example, a trip to the zoo by yourself. Just plan some of that time when you will have to focus on something besides your feelings. Always ask yourself "Is there anything I can do to improve this situation?" If so, do it. If not, tell yourself it's a waste of time to worry about it then. Dispense with as mucyh worrying as possible. Keep it simple, keep putting one foot in front of the other. And call the doc if you feel you are having a special crisis.

[guest569]

No, depression did not ruin the relationship. You did the right thing by breaking it off in the first instance, and trying to make a new start in order to conquer your depression and anxiety. You got out of what sounded like a stressful and toxic relationship. It's a shame he reeled you back in, when it doesn't seem like he was 100% in or 'here for you the whole way'. I agree that you can't depend on someone else to cure you, but a bit of support would be nice, or a good morning text here and there and a phone call once in a while. I don't think 10 hour days are a reason to stop communication with your partner. I say this without knowing the extent of your 'clingy' episode. Regardless, it seems like you two had an incompatibility, with all the arguing and the fact that you wanted more communication than he did while he was away. This could happen to anyone, with or without depression or anxiety.

 

It took great strength and courage for you to break it off and plan for your next chapter, strong, independent and hopeful. It can be so beautiful being reunited with an ex, being back in their arms and replacing grief and sorrow for renewed hopes and dreams. But it's pure emotion. We forget everything that went wrong and just latch on to that wonderful feeling of euphoria.

 

Why, for those last 2 months were things good again? Did you resolve any issues from the previous 1 year stint? Like you say, it was a honeymoon phase all over again. But did the two of you really get to the bottom of the issues that caused all the fighting in the first place?

 

I don't think assigning blame on you or your depression is warranted, or helpful. It's ok to reflect a little, don't dwell on it for too long. Seek comfort for now from friends or family and wade through it. Be kind to yourself. Then start planning your next move. You sounded so strong and hopeful at the beginning of the post, and I think that person will come back soon.

[Noelle94]

So almost exactly a month ago my ex dumped Me. We planned to move in together and had a great relationship up until the point he left for 6 weeks out of state for training for his new job.

I’ve never done long distance before and struggled. Got clingy, asked him to call and would get upset when he wouldn’t and I would see he was with coworkers (many of which were girls) on social media. Eventually the calls stopped coming. By the 3rd week there he hadn’t even called me in 8 days. I knew it was coming.

 

One night I texted him saying how much I missed him, and responded with “I’m so sorry Noelle but I can’t give you the attention you need right now. I love you and I want it to be us in the end.... you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me but I need to be alone.” He insisted he call me the next day to discuss it in person but I shot it down and blocked him for 9 days.

 

After 9 days I reached out, asking if he’d met another girl in Dallas. He said “absolutely not”, tried to make small talk but I stopped responding.

About 4 days later I reached out again, practically begging him to consider meeting me when he got back in town (1 week away at this point). I had never felt so broken in my life. I was desperate. I had stopped eating (lost 14 pounds) stopped sleeping, couldnt think of ANYTHING but him. I felt like I was going crazy. I blamed myself for my neediness while he was away. His response was only “today’s a bad day. I’m in a bad mood.”

 

11 days passed. He came home back to the city. (What would have been our 1 year anniversary passed) and I was struggling really badly that day. I didn’t leave the bed. I cried for hours when I woke up and realized he wasn’t next to me on our special day and cried again at night when the day was over and I heard nothing.

Finally, he texted. “Was thinking of you today. I’d like to meet up. I know you want closure and I want to see you.”

Closure. That was why he wanted to meet? He had totally missed the point. I wanted to meet to reconsile not get closure. I declined. Told him I couldn’t go and just put myself through more pain.

“What is it you want Noelle? I wanted to see you one last time... I wish I could’ve”

“I want you. Do you love me? Or don’t you?”

“Of course I do, Noelle. What does this mean for us?”

“I just don’t want to hurt anymore”

No response.

 

He then “accidentally” called me the next day? Or so he says.

I reached out again. “Is there any part of you that wants to try to fix this?”

He responded, “I don’t know what I want. You were so upset and I felt like it was my fault. Can we meet face to face, please? I’d much rather talk in person.”

I finally agreed. We set a time (5 days from then) to go to a Mexican restsurant.

 

Now this is where I need help. Do you guys think I should prepare myself for the worst? I asked if I should bring his stuff with me and he said no? Then when I tried saying goodbye he just kept talking to me, joking, catching up like old times for about an hour after. It felt like old Noelle and J.

Finally I told him I had to go to bed, and I’d see him Wednesday. He didn’t respond. I haven’t heard from him since. I meet up with him in 2 days. Do you guys think this sounds like a good meeting or a bad one? What should I expect? I go from hopeful to hopeless off and on every hour it feels like. Haha. Opinions on this weird behavior? Or has anyone experienced something similar?

[fredflint]

So almost exactly a month ago my ex dumped Me. We planned to move in together and had a great relationship up until the point he left for 6 weeks out of state for training for his new job.

I’ve never done long distance before and struggled. Got clingy, asked him to call and would get upset when he wouldn’t and I would see he was with coworkers (many of which were girls) on social media. Eventually the calls stopped coming. By the 3rd week there he hadn’t even called me in 8 days. I knew it was coming.

 

One night I texted him saying how much I missed him, and responded with “I’m so sorry Noelle but I can’t give you the attention you need right now. I love you and I want it to be us in the end.... you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me but I need to be alone.” He insisted he call me the next day to discuss it in person but I shot it down and blocked him for 9 days.

 

After 9 days I reached out, asking if he’d met another girl in Dallas. He said “absolutely not”, tried to make small talk but I stopped responding.

About 4 days later I reached out again, practically begging him to consider meeting me when he got back in town (1 week away at this point). I had never felt so broken in my life. I was desperate. I had stopped eating (lost 14 pounds) stopped sleeping, couldnt think of ANYTHING but him. I felt like I was going crazy. I blamed myself for my neediness while he was away. His response was only “today’s a bad day. I’m in a bad mood.”

 

11 days passed. He came home back to the city. (What would have been our 1 year anniversary passed) and I was struggling really badly that day. I didn’t leave the bed. I cried for hours when I woke up and realized he wasn’t next to me on our special day and cried again at night when the day was over and I heard nothing.

Finally, he texted. “Was thinking of you today. I’d like to meet up. I know you want closure and I want to see you.”

Closure. That was why he wanted to meet? He had totally missed the point. I wanted to meet to reconsile not get closure. I declined. Told him I couldn’t go and just put myself through more pain.

“What is it you want Noelle? I wanted to see you one last time... I wish I could’ve”

“I want you. Do you love me? Or don’t you?”

“Of course I do, Noelle. What does this mean for us?”

“I just don’t want to hurt anymore”

No response.

 

He then “accidentally” called me the next day? Or so he says.

I reached out again. “Is there any part of you that wants to try to fix this?”

He responded, “I don’t know what I want. You were so upset and I felt like it was my fault. Can we meet face to face, please? I’d much rather talk in person.”

I finally agreed. We set a time (5 days from then) to go to a Mexican restsurant.

 

Now this is where I need help. Do you guys think I should prepare myself for the worst? I asked if I should bring his stuff with me and he said no? Then when I tried saying goodbye he just kept talking to me, joking, catching up like old times for about an hour after. It felt like old Noelle and J.

Finally I told him I had to go to bed, and I’d see him Wednesday. He didn’t respond. I haven’t heard from him since. I meet up with him in 2 days. Do you guys think this sounds like a good meeting or a bad one? What should I expect? I go from hopeful to hopeless off and on every hour it feels like. Haha. Opinions on this weird behavior? Or has anyone experienced something similar?

 

I think it's hopeful for a reconciliation, my question is whether you should want one. Because it might be short lived and lead to even more pain. It might be better to try to put him behind you. Usually in my experience, breakups esp. related to miscommunication are big red flags. This whole story sounds to me like he's not sure if he wants you. That's never a good sign, if someone is ambivalent.

Edited May 28, 2018 by fredflint

[Marc878]

You are chasing with your current contacts which normally just pushes them farther away but like a lot you won't stop

[Somethinglovely]

So almost exactly a month ago my ex dumped Me. We planned to move in together and had a great relationship up until the point he left for 6 weeks out of state for training for his new job.

I’ve never done long distance before and struggled. Got clingy, asked him to call and would get upset when he wouldn’t and I would see he was with coworkers (many of which were girls) on social media. Eventually the calls stopped coming. By the 3rd week there he hadn’t even called me in 8 days. I knew it was coming.

 

One night I texted him saying how much I missed him, and responded with “I’m so sorry Noelle but I can’t give you the attention you need right now. I love you and I want it to be us in the end.... you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me but I need to be alone.” He insisted he call me the next day to discuss it in person but I shot it down and blocked him for 9 days.

 

After 9 days I reached out, asking if he’d met another girl in Dallas. He said “absolutely not”, tried to make small talk but I stopped responding.

About 4 days later I reached out again, practically begging him to consider meeting me when he got back in town (1 week away at this point). I had never felt so broken in my life. I was desperate. I had stopped eating (lost 14 pounds) stopped sleeping, couldnt think of ANYTHING but him. I felt like I was going crazy. I blamed myself for my neediness while he was away. His response was only “today’s a bad day. I’m in a bad mood.”

 

11 days passed. He came home back to the city. (What would have been our 1 year anniversary passed) and I was struggling really badly that day. I didn’t leave the bed. I cried for hours when I woke up and realized he wasn’t next to me on our special day and cried again at night when the day was over and I heard nothing.

Finally, he texted. “Was thinking of you today. I’d like to meet up. I know you want closure and I want to see you.”

Closure. That was why he wanted to meet? He had totally missed the point. I wanted to meet to reconsile not get closure. I declined. Told him I couldn’t go and just put myself through more pain.

“What is it you want Noelle? I wanted to see you one last time... I wish I could’ve”

“I want you. Do you love me? Or don’t you?”

“Of course I do, Noelle. What does this mean for us?”

“I just don’t want to hurt anymore”

No response.

 

He then “accidentally” called me the next day? Or so he says.

I reached out again. “Is there any part of you that wants to try to fix this?”

He responded, “I don’t know what I want. You were so upset and I felt like it was my fault. Can we meet face to face, please? I’d much rather talk in person.”

I finally agreed. We set a time (5 days from then) to go to a Mexican restsurant.

 

Now this is where I need help. Do you guys think I should prepare myself for the worst? I asked if I should bring his stuff with me and he said no? Then when I tried saying goodbye he just kept talking to me, joking, catching up like old times for about an hour after. It felt like old Noelle and J.

Finally I told him I had to go to bed, and I’d see him Wednesday. He didn’t respond. I haven’t heard from him since. I meet up with him in 2 days. Do you guys think this sounds like a good meeting or a bad one? What should I expect? I go from hopeful to hopeless off and on every hour it feels like. Haha. Opinions on this weird behavior? Or has anyone experienced something similar?

 

 

 

Play it cool. Just go with the flow get a feel of how the conversation is going. Just go in expecting nothing.

[JDJ]

My thoughts about what you described...

 

He didn't call for 8 days. That is an eternity in a committed relationship. There is no need to feel bad about calling it off over this.

 

Refusing to talk him about it and blocking him? I know you were upset, but it is almost always bad to cut communication. This one is on you.

 

This is followed by additional WEEKS of you two doing everything possible not to communicate with each other.

 

He has already checked out. His use of the word "closure" shows that.

 

He "accidentally" called you? Really? Do you want to be with someone by accident? Or with someone who lies about wanting to talk to you? It is one of those two, take your pick. Somehow this is the part that bothers me the most. It tells me that there is no hope for a mature discussion and reconciliation between you two.

 

I think he left you, maybe for another woman, maybe not. Whatever it was he was too weasely to tell you straight out. Now he wants to meet "face to face" to act out some scenario where he is not the bad guy. That's not going to help you, really.

 

The breakup is on him, but you both need to work on your communication skills for any future relationships. "I'm not talking to you, nyah nyah nyah" is not a basis for any serious relationship.

 

Going forward, you should just forget about him and try to find someone new.

[preraph]

Manage your nervousness by making a list of boundaries you won't cross duringt his meeting. Like having sex with him or agreeing to just being friends with benefits, thing like that. Put on that list to listen for any disrespect and not gloss over it. Just make a list of things to keep yourself on course so you don't have regrets the next day.

[ExpatInItaly]

Manage your nervousness by making a list of boundaries you won't cross duringt his meeting. Like having sex with him or agreeing to just being friends with benefits, thing like that. Put on that list to listen for any disrespect and not gloss over it. Just make a list of things to keep yourself on course so you don't have regrets the next day.

 

This is a good idea, OP.

 

Be careful that you manage your expectations, and act accordingly. This might indeed just be a goodbye for him, to put into words the things he couldn't say before.

[ElKay]

Careful, just because he sounded surprised about you bringing his stuff doesn't mean that he wants to stay together. As an example, when my now-ex bf and I were going to meet in person to discuss a dying relationship because he had been pushing me out... I asked him to bring my stuff during that meeting. He sounded all surprised and went: "Uh? okay..."

 

Which gave me false hope about him not wanting to break up. When we were discussing in person and he did confirm that he didn't see the relationship continuing, I asked him, "then why did you sound surprised when I asked for my stuff back and said that you wanted to see me as much as possible on that day??"

He said that I sounded upset and he didn't want to make me sad... Hopefully your guy isn't like this, but they can have really stupid logic sometimes that ends up giving false hope.

Hope I'm wrong in this situation!

[Noelle94]

Hello everyone! I’m new to the forum and I’m stuck in a tough predicament involving 2 men. (Names are made up for privacy reasons) Here’s the story:

 

JOE:

I’m a 24 year old female. I was with my ex boyfriend, Joe, for about 2 years.

He and I got along really well, worked at the same place and had a good relationship and an extremely good sex life. I’m so comfortable with him. He’s truly my best friend, and we told each other we love each other. His best friends love me, I love his family and he loved mine. We live about an hour and a half away from each other so we kind of were doing semi long distance which was tough.

2 months ago he started growing really distant. He had a lot of family problems going on and he got a new job which was overly stressing him out. He pushed me away. He told me he was so overwhelmed he just couldn’t handle a relationship at the time and broke it off with me. I was heartbroken

We still talked maybe once a week through text (usually me initiating even though I was trying so hard not to break NC!) I have been through a few breakups but this one hit.... HARD.

 

MAX:

About a month after my break up with Joe, I started talking to someone new. I stopped reaching out to Joe and tried to accept that chapter had closed. This guy, “Max”, who i had thought was SO cute for years but never expected him to actually be into me. We have the same group of friends, he’s tall, extremely attractive (almost so that it intimidates me), shares my sense of humor, music taste (that Joe never liked), and we get along really well.

Max asked me out on a date and I said yes. (I know, I know, fresh out of a relationship maybe I’m stupid) We hadn’t planned a day yet but I get butterflies thinking about it and seeing his name pop up on my phone. We talked for about three weeks non stop.

 

THE RECONSILE:

Then a few days later after Max asked me out, I receive a call from Joe, asking to meet.

Of course I dated him for two years so I agreed. We met up for drinks and he explained how sorry he was for having to leave. One drink led to another and we went bowling after, all of my feelings came flooding back. He kissed me at the bowling alley and we got a hotel room that night and ended up having (amazing like always) sex.

He told me he had been coping with the breakup very badly. He’d been drinking every night to try to forget about me. The day he asked me to meet up and I’d agreed was the first day he hadn’t had a drink since our breakup. He told me he hadn’t even so much as kissed another girl, and found no other girls attractive except for me. He asked me if I’d been with anyone in our month and a half apart.

I was honest. I told him I’d been talking to a boy who I had started to like. (But never physical). He told me he understood and I had every right to, but I could see the pain on his face when I told him about Max. And he kept bringing Max up, making light hearted jokes about my new “crush”. I even changed Max’s name in my phone to something else so Joe wouldn’t get mad. (Totally out of character for me).

Joe wants to take things slow, day by day, but is still telling me he’s in love with me... then after we left the hotel the next morning he brought me home to his family for pizza. None of them seemed even slightly shocked that I was back, and welcomed me like before.

 

THE PREDICAMENT:

Now I’m stuck. I have so much history with Joe, our sexual chemistry is off the charts, I love him, but I’m scared of it not working again. I’m scared of him getting too “overwhelmed” again and I don’t want to feel the horrible pain I felt. I couldn’t get out of bed, I had to go to therapy. I’ve never been so depressed in my life. I’m terrified.

Then there’s Max. fresh, fun new feelings and I still have a huge crush on him. But what if it’s nothing? I don’t know Max’s dating history... it’s risky. We’ve also never even had our first date even though we’ve talked for weeks and I crushed on him for years. Exciting but scary. Just yesterday Max texted me saying “you’re so amazing. How are you single?” And I realized what a scumbag I felt like. Technically Joe and I aren’t officially back together but we do still love each other and are sleeping together again. Does that mean my flirtatious texts to Max are cheating? Max was there for me when Joe broke my heart. Part of me doesn’t want to cancel our date.... but part of me wants to slip back into my comfortable routine of mine and Joe’s life together.

 

Third Party Perspective!!! I need some advice! SOS

-What should I do in this situation?

-I hate cheaters... does this make me one?

-Should I stay with Joe and risk another heartbreak like before?

-Or throw my 2 year relationship out the window and give Max a chance?

-ANY OTHER HELPFUL ADVICE WELCOME

[stillafool]

The ex is the ex for a reason. Leave him alone and commit to your new bf or find someone new. Never go backwards.

[Imajerk17]

From reading this and your other posts you clearly are not over Joe. Whether you should be dating Joe or for that matter ANYONE is a discussion for another day. The only fair thing to do to in the meanwhile though, as far as Max is concerned, is to tell him that you just broke up with someone a month ago and you realize that you just aren't ready to date again after all.

 

So to answer the question in your thread title, it is "For the time being definitely not Max (or anyone else for that matter), and probably no one"

 

Meanwhile you haven't "cheated" on anyone, you and Max haven't even gone on a single date yet, and you and Joe were broken up. BUT knowing your current situation, the right thing for you to do moving forward is to tell Max that he's wonderful but you just realized that you are not in a position to date anyone.

Edited June 1, 2018 by Imajerk17

[guest569]

Curious to know whether you read the responses in your previous 2 threads about Joe. I say cut him off.

[William]

Moderation merged three threads on an ongoing breakup topic for continuity. There may be some overlap in content and response. Please continue to discuss aspects of this relationship issue in this thread. Thanks!

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, between this and your other threads - you're not ready to date anyone yet.

 

I don't mean that in an unkind way. But it's obvious you are not healed from your break-up and need to process that and learn to be on your own again.

I would take a hard pass on the ex (since he likely won't stick around this time either) and let the new guy know you're not over your ex (since it's clear you are not) and cannot date right now.