daz3dandconfus3d Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 So here's the story 6 months ago I started dating an old friend of mine we always had feelings for each other but due to timing issues and moving, nothing came of it. She ended her relationship with her ex, we started talking for a few months and decided to see each other. She has a young child and still lives with her ex and is trying her best to keep things amicable for the child. She has been looking to get rehoused and has been on the list for 4 months and unfortunately has very little money so is stuck with her living situation for now. we spend a lot of time together talk lots and things seem really good all in all, she keeps me informed about her living situation and tries to keep me involved with the whole process. However, her ex is harbouring a lot of hate towards me (understandable) he is actively sabotaging our relationship, using the child as an emotional battering ram as a power play and generally making things very difficult for her. I think he is incredibly abusive for reasons which I won't disclose just yet. This has gradually started becoming more and more of an issue as time has gone on and recently it seems to have stepped up. The girl I'm with is struggling so very much with this as you could imagine and its starting to become an issue in our relationship as she is so down and mentally exhausted about the situation. She is essentially trapped in the situation by her ex's actions, the child and her vulnerability in terms of housing. Now I know there are major red flags popping out but I am very much in love with her and I believe she is with me and when things are good they are amazing! However, I'm struggling with how things are he's not letting go and he's stepped his game up. he's been sleeping on the sofa for the past god knows how long now and this week has basically guilt-tripped her into letting him sleep in the bed. I almost ran a mile at this point however she has told me absolutely everything about the situation she didn't expect me to be ok with this in the slightest and isn't ok with it either and says its a tempory solution for a few weeks while she sorts another bed out and I trust her. Her ex-knows about me as does everyone else and I really don't think shes stringing me along. So what are your guy's thoughts on this? I really don't want to walk away
Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 ExBF or ExH ? and are they divorced ? No way sleeping in the same bed would make me comfortable at all... that is trouble and she should not allow it.
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 ExBF no marriage so no need for a divorce. As for the bed thing yea I'm really struggling with that, Whilst I do trust her she has been one of my closest friends for the past 10 years I really do not trust him!
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 This woman is clearly not ready for a new relationship. She has a few issues to sort out first... What he is doing to the child is absolutely unacceptable. But, you also own some responsibility in this decision. Don't underestimate the damage that is being done to this child by dating this woman when she is not in a position to bring another man into the child's life... The child should come first for everyone - which may mean, you need to back off this relationship. Sorry. 1
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 This woman is clearly not ready for a new relationship. She has a few issues to sort out first... What he is doing to the child is absolutely unacceptable. But, you also own some responsibility in this decision. Don't underestimate the damage that is being done to this child by dating this woman when she is not in a position to bring another man into the child's life... The child should come first for everyone - which may mean, you need to back off this relationship. Sorry. I've given her many opportunities to tell me if she isn't ready or if she wants to put this on hold. So far she hasn't What he is doing to the child is completely unacceptable. And I am more than aware of that I have absolutely minimal contact with the child seeing it maybe a few times a month max for that very reason! as far as the child's aware I am just a friend.
Happy Lemming Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I would be gone as soon as I heard that. Me too....
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I've given her many opportunities to tell me if she isn't ready or if she wants to put this on hold. So far she hasn't Why are you trusting HER judgment? She mistakenly believes getting into another relationship is going to solve her problems. Sorry, but she's being a dum-dum. Maybe YOU need to be the one with sense here and tell her she's not ready for a relationship. And also have sense yourself and not get involved with someone so clearly not emotionally available. 1
Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I'm with the others here, she has this to deal with before a new healthy relationship can form... As far as her sleeping in the same bed.. man.. I don't think I know of a woman that would do that if they are done with their ex...and no you can't trust her, she can't trust her own decision making at this point so she may also make the wrong decision when (not if) he makes a play to slip her one. 1
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I've given her many opportunities to tell me if she isn't ready or if she wants to put this on hold. So far she hasn't. With all due respect, I think you are capable of making your own decision and extricating yourself from this unhealthy situation. This said, from a woman who was once told by a man that he was not able to have a relationship because he had some things that he needed to settle related to an exwife and a child. We said goodbye. A year and a half later, he came back into my life and we have been together for two years. He says today, had we got together when we first met, we wouldn't be together today... He needed to get his "house" in order before he was ready for a new relationship. She needs to get her house in order. If she doesn't realize this, you can certainly tell her that you are not ready to get mixed up in this mess... 4
bathtub-row Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I think what I’m hearing is that you want someone to say it’s ok for you to ask this girl to come live with you. Now, while I see red flags all over the place, I also see that she has basically painted herself into a corner and has few places to turn. So, I don’t know, given her circumstances and your feelings for her, plus the fact that you’ve known her for some time, maybe the two of you living together wouldn’t be such a bad idea. You never know, it just might work out. Plus, it’ll get her and the ex out of the same bed.
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 Yep, I cant deal with the bed sharing thing ive basically said it stops or I need to walk away because I cant deal with that because its not healthy or fair on me 1
bathtub-row Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 Yep, I cant deal with the bed sharing thing ive basically said it stops or I need to walk away because I cant deal with that because its not healthy or fair on me The problem is, she's in a position where she's controlled by her ex because she has nowhere else to turn. It actually makes me sad for her.
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 I understand that completely, and it makes me so incredibly sad for her as well and I wish it didn't have to be this way. However, today is the first day this has happened its now almost 6 am and I haven't slept a wink! I need to look after myself and this clearly isn't going to work for me!
grays Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I'm actually in a similar situation. The guy I've been dating for nearly a year is still living with his ex and their three kids. And he's stuck, like your girlfriend. He's barely got enough money to just move forward with the current situation and the idea of coming up with money to move and pay child support is overwhelming. I feel like the only way he's ever going to get out of the marriage is to move in with me but neither of us likes the idea of moving in together just because its the only way to be together. Your situation seems a little better to me since you've known her for ten years already. Maybe in your case living together makes more sense. Oddly, I don't care one iota if he sleeps (shares a bed with or has sex or whatever) with his wife. In a way I'd almost welcome that because ending a marriage is so messy and volatile and I'd rather there was no unfinished business. If it turns out there's still something between them I'd rather they just do their thing and stay together. I'm in love with him but I only want him if they're done.
PegNosePete Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 Whilst I do trust her she has been one of my closest friends for the past 10 years I really do not trust him! See, when people say this, I really don't understand it. You trust her... to what extent? That if he were to try it on, then you trust her to refuse, right? So what does it matter whether you trust him or not? You either trust her to reject him, or you think that he might be able to work his way into her pants... in which case, your trust in her is misplaced. "I trust her but I don't trust him" - the two are mutually exclusive. That's just a technicality though really. If it were me I would not get involved in this situation one bit. even without the sleeping in the same bed part (which would be an INSTANT do not pass go, do not collect £200), she's clearly not ready for a new relationship despite what she says. She needs to sort herself out first. She's in a bad situation and sees you as her escape plan/support. That's never a good situation for you to be in! Once you've helped her escape she will very likely move on. How does the song go... you were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar... 2
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 Update we've decided that with her everything that's happening were going to go on a break, as its too difficult and if we carry on like this it's destined to fail! Anybody have any tips or good reading about breaks?
ExpatInItaly Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 Update we've decided that with her everything that's happening were going to go on a break, as its too difficult and if we carry on like this it's destined to fail! Anybody have any tips or good reading about breaks? Yep, call it a break-up and tell her to get in touch only when/if she moves out of the ex's house. I would advise you to move on, honestly. She is still too emotionally and financially tied to this man, and I would almost be willing to bet that they reconcile. It's too messy for you to wait around. 1
Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I would almost be willing to bet that they reconcile. Indeed.....
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 Ive set out a list of rules and guidelines for the break what we both expect from it e.t.c ive also made it crystal clear that if she reconciles or does not take it seriously then our relationship as lovers and friends is completely done. And that if she is serious about this then we are on a break and try to make it work, but for the sake of our friendship if she isn't in any way then we call it quits now. She chose the break option
JuneL Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I’m confused. So her ex is not okay about having to sleep on the couch and letting her sleep on the bed, which I guess is legitimate as that’s his place. But why can’t she just sleep on the couch herself? Or you could have bought her a sleeping bed? 1
PegNosePete Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 Ive set out a list of rules and guidelines for the break When you explained all the rules, what she actually heard was "blah blah blah". And then when you stopped she said yeah let's take a break. So if she reconciles what skin will it be off her nose? She wil have her husband back and won't care about you. Whereas you'll be waiting around like a lost puppy. It seems to me that you're the only one taking any risk here, you're the only one who will suffer any consequences, you're the only one who's going to get hurt. You must be nuts to even be considering this! The most sensible option is to walk away from this. The 2nd most sensible option is to break up and say call me when you've DONE with this living situation. Any other option is simply not a good one!
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 So basically he has severe back problems and has been sleeping on the couch which has aggravated his issues. There is a new bed on order so he can sleep in a proper bed but she cant sleep on the couch as she co-sleeps with the child. Regardless of that this whole thing has highlighted to both of us that she needs to get help with the situation and sort out her ends before things progress any further as she feels its unfair on me having to deal with this and she's feeling smothered by the situation and I agree with both of those points. so we've decided to take a break to take the pressure off both of us
Author daz3dandconfus3d Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 When you explained all the rules, what she actually heard was "blah blah blah". And then when you stopped she said yeah let's take a break. So if she reconciles what skin will it be off her nose? She wil have her husband back and won't care about you. Whereas you'll be waiting around like a lost puppy. It seems to me that you're the only one taking any risk here, you're the only one who will suffer any consequences, you're the only one who's going to get hurt. You must be nuts to even be considering this! The most sensible option is to walk away from this. The 2nd most sensible option is to break up and say call me when you've DONE with this living situation. Any other option is simply not a good one! Even if someones been a close part of your life for 14 odd years versus someone that has been for 4? she says she is worried about losing me from her life this is how the conversation came up, surely after I explained consequences to her and gave her the option of just walking away and staying friends or trying to make it work and risk losing things she wouldn't have chose the latter especially as she's known me for so long and knows that I cut all ties with exs
Art_Critic Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I think the issue is that unless you walk away you have become the proverbial doormat. She hasn't got you in her sights for her future... she has to deal with what she has on her plate first and finish that relationship before you can have room in her life.
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