AussieGuy2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Hi all, need some advice... M this girl out and we went on 6 dates in three weeks and every date we had a lot of fun, lots of laughs, no awkwardness and we had a lot in common and showed lots of potential. We never had the exclusive talk but we both weren’t seeing other people. Lots of texting and calling back and forth. Stayed at her place last Friday night after dinner and going out, woke up in the morning and spooned/chatted for 2.5-3 hours before I left and went home, she was giving me all the signals she was interested and even saying things to suggest she was Keen. We had already made plans to have a movie night on the Saturday night and before she came over she said she was tired, no problem but I noticed she was a little distant and went home straight after the movie. Text her the next day saying things felt a little different is everything okay, she hit me with: - I am concerned we aren’t compatible - Unsire if we are a fit I am in the process of getting divorced, there’s nothing from the past that affects me now and everything is sorted in that area. She said she had a friend that got divorced and it was messy, so she is assuming this is messy when it couldn’t be further from the truth. I told her to call me when she had a few minutes as I wasn’t going to have this convo over text... She called and I asked why she was having those thoughts. Her response: - We want different things longterm because she assumed me getting married a second time wouldn’t mean as much. - Then said I was hot and cold, I can be introverted around new people and I think she’s taken this the wrong way. This girl is a massive over thinker and she did mention that to me in a few dates we’ve had. I am convinced she has overanalysed everything and come to the conclusion we aren’t right. I think she has made assumptions about me that are wrong without ever talking to me about any of this. She finished the ball with “I need some time to think and I’ll text you later”. 5-6 hours later she text “I’m sorry I have disappointed you, you’re great and really enjoyed hanging out but it doesn’t feel right”. I never replied. I actually can’t stop thinking about this girl and the dates we had were great and a lot of fun. I am unsure whether to contact her or let it go? Like I said, I’m convinced she’s overthought everything. I have no idea how it can go from being all over each other to breaking it off in a matter of an afternoon. Do I let this one go or do I reach out? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Zahara Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Regardless of whether she’s overthinking it, you have to respect her wish to move on. She may legitimately feel that it isn’t right for her and she may have her own reasons as to why it’s not working - even if those reasons are senseless to you. You may believe you had 6 great dates but don’t project that on her as she may feel differently. Dating is a process in which you determine if someone fits you. Three weeks/6 dates is good enough time and she’s concluded you don’t — accept it and don’t try to talk her out of it. You can respond by politely wishing her well and moving on. 2
mortensorchid Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 DOn't spend time analyzing things because you will end up with her not wanting to make a commitment to you. Doesn't matter what the reason is or is not, just move on.
snowboy91 Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 6 dates sounds like a lot of time, but it's really not. You know very little about this girl. Second thoughts can come up at any time, she was just feeling some level of incompatibility between you and her. That's not necessarily something you've done. Think about it this way - if it didn't emerge now, something crazier, colder or whatever could have popped up a few months down the track. Let her go, the right person will stick around. It can take a lot of dates to find the right one.
Author AussieGuy2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 Thanks for the input, it’s probabky clear that I don’t contact her and let it go. I think the annoying part is that we spent so much time communicating and hanging out without any sign she was thinking this way and then bam hits me with it. It’s hard to find someone with chemistry and the feel of being comfortable around each other so quickly, so that’s why I was so surprised I guess?
fredflint Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Hi all, need some advice... M this girl out and we went on 6 dates in three weeks and every date we had a lot of fun, lots of laughs, no awkwardness and we had a lot in common and showed lots of potential. We never had the exclusive talk but we both weren’t seeing other people. Lots of texting and calling back and forth. Stayed at her place last Friday night after dinner and going out, woke up in the morning and spooned/chatted for 2.5-3 hours before I left and went home, she was giving me all the signals she was interested and even saying things to suggest she was Keen. We had already made plans to have a movie night on the Saturday night and before she came over she said she was tired, no problem but I noticed she was a little distant and went home straight after the movie. Text her the next day saying things felt a little different is everything okay, she hit me with: - I am concerned we aren’t compatible - Unsire if we are a fit I am in the process of getting divorced, there’s nothing from the past that affects me now and everything is sorted in that area. She said she had a friend that got divorced and it was messy, so she is assuming this is messy when it couldn’t be further from the truth. I told her to call me when she had a few minutes as I wasn’t going to have this convo over text... She called and I asked why she was having those thoughts. Her response: - We want different things longterm because she assumed me getting married a second time wouldn’t mean as much. - Then said I was hot and cold, I can be introverted around new people and I think she’s taken this the wrong way. This girl is a massive over thinker and she did mention that to me in a few dates we’ve had. I am convinced she has overanalysed everything and come to the conclusion we aren’t right. I think she has made assumptions about me that are wrong without ever talking to me about any of this. She finished the ball with “I need some time to think and I’ll text you later”. 5-6 hours later she text “I’m sorry I have disappointed you, you’re great and really enjoyed hanging out but it doesn’t feel right”. I never replied. I actually can’t stop thinking about this girl and the dates we had were great and a lot of fun. I am unsure whether to contact her or let it go? Like I said, I’m convinced she’s overthought everything. I have no idea how it can go from being all over each other to breaking it off in a matter of an afternoon. Do I let this one go or do I reach out? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Let her go. No good comes from chasing women who are on the fence, in my experience. You deserve someone who's excited about you, without significant doubts. Don't settle for less than that. Why would you want a woman who's half hearted about you? 1
Zahara Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Thanks for the input, it’s probabky clear that I don’t contact her and let it go. I think the annoying part is that we spent so much time communicating and hanging out without any sign she was thinking this way and then bam hits me with it. It’s hard to find someone with chemistry and the feel of being comfortable around each other so quickly, so that’s why I was so surprised I guess? Most of us that have been out on the dating scene have at some point experienced this -- I know I have and it's a lousy feeling. Just when you think you've met a good match, it goes south. While it happened to me, I once met a really nice guy and had great chemistry. After a month of dating, I let him go. Something was missing. He was blindsided. I was still hung up on a past relationship. While I didn't want to let a good thing go, I also knew it wasn't fair to hold on. Who knows what her reasons are -- but sometimes you just have to accept. It's better 6 weeks in versus 6 months in.
fredflint Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Thanks for the input, it’s probabky clear that I don’t contact her and let it go. I think the annoying part is that we spent so much time communicating and hanging out without any sign she was thinking this way and then bam hits me with it. It’s hard to find someone with chemistry and the feel of being comfortable around each other so quickly, so that’s why I was so surprised I guess? People are good at hiding their doubts in the early stages, and many people lack the skill to read the very subtle signs that sometimes do exist. She might have felt perfectly comfortable with you, but decided she had to break it off for other reasons.
Author AussieGuy2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 I have thought that it is better now than in six months. I am an introvert so at times it’s hard to find someone or out yourself out there. I found it strange that she always fished a little for compliments and for me to say something nice, but rarely heard it back. I guess she couldn’t read if I was into her all the time, hence the hot and cold. My experience of dating over the last year after being in a four year relationship is that the girls I’ve dated have moved quicker than me and if I’m not on the same pace then they tend to leave. Which again is frustrating.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Thanks for the input, it’s probabky clear that I don’t contact her and let it go. I think the annoying part is that we spent so much time communicating and hanging out without any sign she was thinking this way and then bam hits me with it. It’s hard to find someone with chemistry and the feel of being comfortable around each other so quickly, so that’s why I was so surprised I guess? Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me. Do not spend anymore time dwelling on her, def not fair that she pretended everything was good. 1
Author AussieGuy2018 Posted July 6, 2018 Author Posted July 6, 2018 I can't get this girl out of my head...I have unfollowed her on all social media, but she still follows me and looks at my insta stories as well. I haven't met anyone since her, so maybe that is why or maybe I still believe we had a spark and connection. Am I being an idiot? Dating is hard!!!
coolheadal Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 (edited) Hi all, need some advice... <snip> Your going through a divorce to get out of one bad marriage you start to date a single girl and she soon realized what your doing. So she figures you are not going to give her the same kind of life you had when you got married. So to cut her looses she has decided to drop you like box of marbles and move on with someone else who will be with her on the same page. You can't change her mind because that's what she wants. You have 6 dates so you knew where you two were heading nowhere fast. Edited July 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
lurker74 Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 I can't get this girl out of my head...I have unfollowed her on all social media, but she still follows me and looks at my insta stories as well. I haven't met anyone since her, so maybe that is why or maybe I still believe we had a spark and connection. Am I being an idiot? Dating is hard!!! Block her. I hate to tell you this but the most likely answer is that she was seeing someone else or wanted to. The other possibility is that she was getting back with an ex. The third possibility is that the sex wasn't that good. That last one is OK...first time sex is usually mediocre but some women in particular put a huge emphasis on it. And yes, dating is hard. Don't get too attached to anyone before 6 months because either party can wake up one day and feel nothing. I've done it a couple of times and still can't explain why it changed overnight. I also did it once because I wanted to get back together with an ex. Who knows? Block her and move on. Don't let her like your posts because it just falsely gives you the impression that she might be interested. 3
kendahke Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 Do I let this one go or do I reach out? Let her go. She is more invested in being right about whatever than she is in connecting with you. She had decided that you are one way and she's going with that narrative, even though it's the furthest thing from the truth. If she's basing her decision on what someone else did to her, then she's not emotionally done processing that relationship---or she's actually still involved and didn't expect things to go as well with you as they did.
kendahke Posted July 6, 2018 Posted July 6, 2018 I can't get this girl out of my head...I have unfollowed her on all social media, but she still follows me and looks at my insta stories as well. Block her. I don't give people aspects of my life like this. You don't want to be with me? Then you cannot peek at my life when you want to be amused.
rightondude Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 I've had the same or similar scenario play out 4 times now. We're awesome! Things are going great! I've seen her place! I've met her friends! We're doing fun stuff together! Oh ... that's weird, she hasn't responded back in a bit. Must be busy. Hmmm...she didn't answer my call. I'm sure she'll call back. OK cool, she was just "real busy!" we're on for Saturday! Weird, why is she treating me like an intrusion in her home? Maybe she's just having a bad day or is "tired." Whoops, now she's saying she just doesn't think it's working or saying "she's not in a good spot to date right now." What happened?!? Guess what, you'll never know! You'll go crazy searching for nuances or words said or wondering if you stank or something. The trick is accepting that you'll never know and being OK with it. The best thing you can do is move on. Do not reach out to her to ask how it's going. Do not like her stuff on social media. Eventually the chances are you will hear back from her if you cut all ties and show you are living an active, awesome life. For that reason I do not agree to cut her off your social media. Now, what to do when you do hear back? It depends on where you are at that time. I will level with you brother, chances are there was something about you that made her think she could do better. Is that true? Work on bettering yourself and prove that not to be true.
fredflint Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 Block her. I don't give people aspects of my life like this. You don't want to be with me? Then you cannot peek at my life when you want to be amused. I agree with blocking her, but I do it for a slightly different reason, so I don't have to be reminded of her. OP, I know you're probably thinking of reaching out again but you have to remember she rejected you. That means she could do it all over again anytime, and quite probably will. Any time you spend on her now is time you are not spending finding someone who will love you fully. It is awesome to be loved fully so don't waste another second on her. Don't settle for scraps, that is the most you will get from her.
act00 Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 You're IN THE PROCESS of going through a divorce...currently...not in the past, you are still in it. I don't care if it's amicable or not, the reality is, you are not far enough removed from your marriage to be considered future husband material. I would be concerned I'm the "transition" or "rebound." It's just a matter of time before you realize you want to be single for awhile before you decide to invest in another marriage. Moving from one serious, long-term relationship, straight into another is also problematic. It would frighten me that you function in a capacity of codependence or something that you can't function without having a spouse at your side...and how long before that one fizzles and you monkey branch to the next? I can see this causing major issues, regardless of being an "overthinker" or not. How long have you been separated? I mean, have all the financials/parenting been sorted out and agreed upon, and you've been living apart for a considerable amount of time and it's just a matter of signing on the dotted line, or is everything still relatively fresh? The timeline plays a role here. How far removed are you from this marriage? I know it hurts. I think a majority of us have been there...everything is great until you get blindsided...it's over. You have no idea if there was someone else or they met someone else, a personality issue, some incompatibility they recognized but you did not...who knows? Maybe she's just plain nutters or can't figure out what she wants...dodged a bullet? Your only choice is to honor her wishes and leave her alone. I think you also need to be mindful of your place in your life right now...presently still married and going through a divorce, or recently divorced, or not far removed from a divorce (or long-term relationship) is going to cause some red flags in women. Keep on dating, try to meet "the one," but understand there are bumps and hurdles, and you just recently coming out of a long-term, committed relationship can be the deal-breaker for women. 2
kendahke Posted July 7, 2018 Posted July 7, 2018 You're IN THE PROCESS of going through a divorce...currently...not in the past, you are still in it. I don't care if it's amicable or not, the reality is, you are not far enough removed from your marriage to be considered future husband material. . Good point.
Highndry Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 I know this is old and over with, but you said "...stayed at her place last Friday night...woke up in the morning and spooned..." What you didn't say is whether or not you had sex with her. If you did not, then I would bet all my money that is the reason she blew you off. No adult woman ever invites a man into her bed to stay the night if she's not expecting sex, and the worst thing a man can do at that juncture is to not make a move. If you did, indeed, have sex, then I would surmise that she was not particularly fond of the experience, because it's an exceedingly rare occasion that a woman starts a sexual relationship with a new man then calls it quits after the first time if she was properly taken care of.
rightondude Posted July 8, 2018 Posted July 8, 2018 What you didn't say is whether or not you had sex with her. If you did not, then I would bet all my money that is the reason she blew you off. No adult woman ever invites a man into her bed to stay the night if she's not expecting sex, and the worst thing a man can do at that juncture is to not make a move. I agree with that; you got to at least make a move. At worst she will say no, not tonight. And you respect that. When you both have been drinking a good bit and it's real late; sometimes women do just want to sleep and snuggle. But at least make the move.
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