agawam25 Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 Hello all. As the title states, recently I've been having second thoughts about reconnecting with an ex. Well, it's slightly more complicated than just that. Let me explain: When we met, she was in a LTR that she was struggling in, and my situation was very fluid at the time as well. We instantly clicked, at first as friends who at some point began to talk about pretty much everything, from life and work to our relationships with other people etc. One thing led to another and we both fell for each other, but despite her offering to leave her then BF (who in all honesty was the guilty party for their toxic relationship - a combination of jealousy, petty behavior and passive-aggressiveness), I couldn't bring myself to partake in that as it felt wrong. I recall that in the heat of the moment she called me a pussy and probably rightly so... I then had a run-in with her BF who pleaded me to leave her alone, and given the dishonesty of the situation and wanting what's best for everyone, I immediately did. I found some other aspects complicated too - she moves in very similar circles as I do, and I think that I was bothered by what our friends might say, which I now understand was the wrong thing to do. Three years later, I've been bouncing between relationships, but lately I feel like I've gained a lot of insight into who I am and what I want and I've finally become a solid person in my own right. I recently found out that she has finally ended her relationship with said BF. I saw her a couple of months ago at a concert but didn't engage as I was going through personal turmoil of a different variety (death of a close person) but otherwise we've been cordial in social situations. I don't know what made me think of her all of a sudden. I feel like I didn't give her a chance, perhaps, although we had a really good time together and she seemed to sincerely care for me a lot. I suppose I allowed my own cowardice to get in the way of just going for it. Maybe it's too late, and honestly I wouldn't know how to get in touch with her again, let alone whether those events from the past are something that would prove to be an obstacle moving forward. I don't feel lonely or bored, nor am I looking for just any relationship at the moment... There are plenty of women in my life right know - some which I've known for a while, and some which I've met recently - who could turn out to be decent partners, long-term. But I'm suddenly feeling drawn to this person again for no apparent reason and I guess I just wanted to share and hear your thoughts.
lurker74 Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 Be careful of nostalgia. It can be seductive but it is almost always not the full truth since we remember mostly the good things and then compare that life as it is now. So if you want to try something with her, do it, but understand that it's not the perfect fantasy relationship that you might want it to be. How do I know? Because real relationships are not perfect. But nostalgia may make you think that if could be. 2
Author agawam25 Posted May 30, 2018 Author Posted May 30, 2018 Be careful of nostalgia. It can be seductive but it is almost always not the full truth since we remember mostly the good things and then compare that life as it is now. So if you want to try something with her, do it, but understand that it's not the perfect fantasy relationship that you might want it to be. How do I know? Because real relationships are not perfect. But nostalgia may make you think that if could be. I don't think I'm being nostalgic, besides, I think there's been enough time to be able to "objectively" assess her as a partner without the drama that we were both embroiled in at the time. Or at least get as close to 20/20 as you can. What gets to me is that nothing triggered this. It's not like I ran into her or she sent me a message or whatever. Just a gut feeling these past three or four days making me think about her. In retrospect, of all the women I've met and dated these past couple of years, she was high up there, when you take into account both her good and her bad sides.
Author agawam25 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 I see many of you are reading this but not responding. So here's a question: should I get in touch? And should I be honest about admitting to possibly missing out and making a mistake three years ago? What would be a fair approach in this situation?
Highndry Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 She sounds like a low quality woman, in my opinion. Anyone willing to enter a relationship with another person, while still involved in one, is a terrible partner. An old saying comes to mind: "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 I see no evidence in any of her previous behavior that she is worthy of pursuing. None. This is just a brain malfunction ... we all have them ... we forget all the problems we had with a person ... after we have been away from that person for a while. If she was really right for you, you would have connected with her and had a great moment when you encountered her the last time. And btw: this person does not qualify as an ex. You fooled around with her when she was dating someone else and entangled with someone else. That's not an ex. That's an an entanglement you want to learn from--to not repeat.
Author agawam25 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 And btw: this person does not qualify as an ex. You fooled around with her when she was dating someone else and entangled with someone else. That's not an ex. That's an an entanglement you want to learn from--to not repeat. Spot on - I was thinking about that after I wrote the post. I've steered clear of similar entanglements since. The moment I hear there's someone else, I'm out. Thanks, but no thanks...
Author agawam25 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 An old saying comes to mind: "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." I guess I'm more willing to forgive because I do believe people can grow and learn from their past mistakes. I think her behavior came from a lack of courage to leave her now ex-BF and pity she felt for him, as he was a mess... One of those possibly kind, yet horribly insecure people. I don't know. Never understood their dynamics. My point, still - people should be allowed to grow, to learn, and to atone for their past mistakes.
Zahara Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 (edited) So you pursued her knowing she was in a relationship but when she was ready to leave him for you due to you both falling for each other, you backed out because your morals kicked in? You didn't just fall for her the next morning -- I am sure there was a gradual connection leading up to it. Sounds odd that when she decides to leave him, you back out because you were racked with guilt. Edited May 31, 2018 by Zahara
Author agawam25 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 So you pursued her knowing she was in a relationship but when she was ready to leave him for you due to you both falling for each other, you backed out because your morals kicked in? You didn't just fall for her the next morning -- I am sure there was a gradual connection leading up to it. Sounds odd that when she decides to leave him, you back out because you were racked with guilt. Of course it was gradual. And I didn't "pursue" her, one thing led to another and we fell for each other. I backed out because at the time I was being insecure. I thought she just wanted to leave him and needed an excuse and I didn't feel like being an excuse. Hey, she stayed in that relationship for three more years... And this guy was really good at guilt tripping everyone, playing the victim, etc. so when he approached me with his story I didn't feel it would be right to stay in that situation. In retrospect, of course we all like clean breaks but perhaps I should've just gone with what she had wanted instead. Dunno. That entire episode is still unclear to me in some ways...
Zahara Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Of course it was gradual. And I didn't "pursue" her, one thing led to another and we fell for each other. I backed out because at the time I was being insecure. I thought she just wanted to leave him and needed an excuse and I didn't feel like being an excuse. Hey, she stayed in that relationship for three more years... And this guy was really good at guilt tripping everyone, playing the victim, etc. so when he approached me with his story I didn't feel it would be right to stay in that situation. In retrospect, of course we all like clean breaks but perhaps I should've just gone with what she had wanted instead. Dunno. That entire episode is still unclear to me in some ways... Personally, I wouldn't revisit someone with poor boundaries. If she didn't propose leaving her boyfriend, would you have still continued your interaction with her? In any case, when did she end the relationship with her ex? Do you believe enough time has passed for her to have completely healed but most importantly, do you think someone that is in a toxic state of mind is able to change? It speaks highly of her own dysfunction for staying that long in a toxic relationship. Would she do the same thing to you as she did her ex-boyfriend? All risks you will have to take. If you do want to contact her, I would keep it lighthearted. Strike up a conversation and see where that goes. Don't bring up the past and leave dramatics behind. When and if you both progress or if it ever comes up naturally, then you can discuss if you both need to tie those loose ends. 1
Author agawam25 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 Zahara, all valid questions. Let me address them one by one: Personally, I wouldn't revisit someone with poor boundaries. If she didn't propose leaving her boyfriend, would you have still continued your interaction with her? Well, I honestly think that by the time she proposed to leave her BF we had already reached an impasse and something had to be done. I guess she had more guts to at least try that I did. Also, after the whole episode with her BF approaching me over this I had to leave the city I lived in (work-related move) and when I came back one year later, it was all done and dusted. Plus, I was in the midst of exiting my own toxic relationship, which leads me to... In any case, when did she end the relationship with her ex? From what I can tell, somewhere in the past 3 to 6 months. What I know for sure - things I've (over)heard from friends - is that the BF moved too, and she was supposed to try and find work in his new city but that never materialized and I guess the relationship sort of fizzled out in the LDR limbo, but that's just my assumption. Who knows what had happened? Do you believe enough time has passed for her to have completely healed but most importantly, do you think someone that is in a toxic state of mind is able to change? It speaks highly of her own dysfunction for staying that long in a toxic relationship. Would she do the same thing to you as she did her ex-boyfriend? All risks you will have to take. I was in several toxic relationships myself. Took me years to learn how to a) recognize unhealthy behavior, b) not engage, c) know how to look for healthy qualities in a partner. I think it can be done. Often it doesn't have to have anything to do with our own dysfunctions as much as learned behavior from childhood, which is what happened to me. My mother - I know, Freud, right? - was the root cause of my subconscious self thinking that abusive, manipulative and exploitative people are actually normal... To answer your question regarding this woman, I won't know unless I speak to her, right? I did read a recent interview with her in the local paper and she sounds like she has her life in order. Then again, your public persona is one thing...
isolatedgothic Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 You two tried in the past, yes? She offered to leave the guy she was with at the time for a full time relationship with you. At that moment, you hit the panic button and ended things. When the relationship became real, you backed out. To me, that teeters on commitmentphobia, and I feel like you should leave her alone, because I see her getting hurt by you once again. I have to wonder if you are indulging in the fantasy of her, the "what if" side of things, but in reality, once you two would perhaps reconcile, if your mind would suddenly remember exactly why it was that you did not want anything more with her in the first place. I say leave her alone. She doesn't need round two. Move forward, not back. Unless you know for sure that you two are meant to be together and you will follow through this time, please just leave this forbidden relationship in the rearview mirror and keep driving forward. Your gut instinct told you "no" the first time. Trust it.
Author agawam25 Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 To me, that teeters on commitmentphobia, and I feel like you should leave her alone, because I see her getting hurt by you once again. I have to wonder if you are indulging in the fantasy of her, the "what if" side of things, but in reality, once you two would perhaps reconcile, if your mind would suddenly remember exactly why it was that you did not want anything more with her in the first place. Commitmentphobia is too strong of a term in my case... I have been in a few LTRs over the course of the years, and I've sometimes even overstayed in hopes that things would get better (those toxic relationships I mentioned). I guess after three years you wouldn't call it reconciliation as much as a second chance, no? As far as hurting her, I'd never intentionally or unintentionally go into something with the idea of hurting someone... Your gut instinct told you "no" the first time. Trust it. That's the thing. I'm not sure what my gut feeling was telling me back then apart from things being complicated. But I get your point. I have no idea what it would look like now - I've definitely changed, but has she... Or rather, would she be a much better fit now that I have changed?
Author agawam25 Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 (edited) Update: my work in the investigative field sometimes comes with certain privileges... So I had a chance to take a look at her social media profiles. Apparently she's still friends with her ex, who is basically verbally accosting any perceived suitor, including a 60 yo guy who was simply being kind in a post on her wall. So no, she hasn't moved on. And she tolerates publicly toxic behavior from her ex nonetheless, which makes me think, how about I stay out of this potential minefield... Edited June 1, 2018 by agawam25 Spelling 1
Recommended Posts