Throwaway97 Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 (edited) Long story short, My girlfriend [F/20] and I [M/20] are currently on a break. We’ve been dating since we were both 15 and have been extremely happy together, talking to each other every single day and love spending time with each other. Mutual friends often joke about how we’re the perfect couple and how well we work together. After 4.5yrs and we couldn’t have been any surer that we were both the one for eachother, we’re each others best friends, when we have issues the first person we go to is eachother. We had a fight recently which sort’ve breaks down my issues, basically she went out one night to a mates house with her friends and got drunk, she didn’t contact me the whole night. She apologised sincerely in the morning and felt really bad, but I let my emotions get to me and basically told her to get lost, I said some mean things that I really shouldn’t have said that I deeply regret. Later that day she pitched the idea of taking a break for a while because she’s stressed about her university exams coming up and wants time to focus/clear her head. I didn’t take this seriously at first but we had a discussion and I came around to it, I figured I wasn’t going to change her mind and let her discover what life’s like without me, I told her how sorry I was for reacting the way I did and that I didn’t understand how much my words had impacted her. We set some boundaries, a one month time period, no communication, and no sleeping with/seeing other people during this time. She told me she reckons it’ll be good for us long term. A week in and it’s been a struggle, I’ve used the time to focus on myself and my goals/ambitions in life: focusing on the gym, applying for a sem 2 university degree, spending more time with my friends and family, but ultimately I really want to live this life with her by my side. Should I break the communication to tell her that I hope she’s doing well and good luck for the exams? Or should I wait the month out with complete NC and discuss our future together once the months over? Could this be beneficial for our relationship in the long run? I feel like we’ve set some really good foundations for a future relationship if we come out of this together the other side, it’s already taught me that I’ve taken the relationship for granted and discovered how I can become a better person/boyfriend to her. Her parents were high school sweethearts as well, and the bond they have together now is insanely positive, but I’m sure they would’ve had their issues in the past just like my girlfriend and I have. This sort of gives me hope as they are a good reference point for her, that if we’re both willing to sort out these issues, we could have a future relationship/marriage as strong as theirs. If it’s any sort of significance she still has a relationship status with me on Facebook and Instagram. I say this because she’s pretty passionate about her social media, might be nothing. Edited May 30, 2018 by Throwaway97
BluesPower Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 As usual with you young guys... Let me rephrase what you wrote. Your GF screwed another guy at the party and stayed all night with him. You not being a moron, blew up. She wanted to "Take a break" so she could screw this guy again, and probably others. You being young, don't really understand what is going on or what to do. You need to tell her to FO and end the relationship with her and move on... 2
Author Throwaway97 Posted May 30, 2018 Author Posted May 30, 2018 As usual with you young guys... Let me rephrase what you wrote. Your GF screwed another guy at the party and stayed all night with him. You not being a moron, blew up. She wanted to "Take a break" so she could screw this guy again, and probably others. You being young, don't really understand what is going on or what to do. You need to tell her to FO and end the relationship with her and move on... She didn’t cheat on me mate, it’s not that black and white, I know her better than anyone and she isn’t that type of person.
BluesPower Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 She didn’t cheat on me mate, it’s not that black and white, I know her better than anyone and she isn’t that type of person. This is what every single person says until they are confronted with the truth mate. You are being a fool... 1
Author Throwaway97 Posted May 30, 2018 Author Posted May 30, 2018 (edited) This is what every single person says until they are confronted with the truth mate. You are being a fool... So you conclude the fact that she’s cheating on me basis of a short paragraph of my situation, not knowing what we’ve been through together nor knowing an inch of our personalities, yet I’m the fool... Think I’ll pass on that definitive conclusion mate, anyone else? Edited May 30, 2018 by Throwaway97
donotmicrowave Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 I can see why it might sound like she was with another guy, I'd suspect it too, but only she knows for sure. The "break" idea sounds odd to me either way, though. Still committed to each other (no sleeping around, etc), but no communication and a strict 1 month of it. I'm soon 20 myself, am under a lot of stress, but I cannot imagine how that'd be a good idea in a relationship. Either let go and explore or figure it out is what I'd go for. Staying in this weird limbo for one month doesn't make sense to me. But that is just my opinion. I genuinely hope it turns out well for you, this break thing. If you made it clear that you were sorry and genuinely meant it, I would not contact her.
central Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 So you conclude the fact that she’s cheating on me basis of a short paragraph of my situation, not knowing what we’ve been through together nor knowing an inch of our personalities, yet I’m the fool... Think I’ll pass on that definitive conclusion mate, anyone else? Unfortunately, BluesPower is probably correct. He has the life experience and we've all seen these scenarios played out in the forums hundreds of times. We don't need more detail to reach a high probability conclusion about your scenario - it's same old stuff to us. Yes, the conclusion could be wrong, but it is something you need to at least strongly consider. Seriously, I think you would be wise to completely break things off and move on. Based on my own experiences at your age, I think you need more dating experience before fixating on one person. Despite how strongly you may feel about her, you don't have the experience to know that you are making a good choice. 1
Author Throwaway97 Posted May 30, 2018 Author Posted May 30, 2018 I can see why it might sound like she was with another guy, I'd suspect it too, but only she knows for sure. The "break" idea sounds odd to me either way, though. Still committed to each other (no sleeping around, etc), but no communication and a strict 1 month of it. I'm soon 20 myself, am under a lot of stress, but I cannot imagine how that'd be a good idea in a relationship. Either let go and explore or figure it out is what I'd go for. Staying in this weird limbo for one month doesn't make sense to me. But that is just my opinion. I genuinely hope it turns out well for you, this break thing. If you made it clear that you were sorry and genuinely meant it, I would not contact her. Cheers man, appreciate the opinion, it’s worth noting that my these issues I have hasn’t come out of nowhere, I’ve been battling insecurity ever since we started dating in fear of losing her, still haven’t gotten my emotions in check. She’s very mature for her age, more mature than me, so doing some dumb **** like cheating/infidelity would be one of the last probably things to have happened. Honestly think she’s just stressed out and needs to focus without worrying about my outbursts. **** will work out the way their supposed to I guess.
Author Throwaway97 Posted May 30, 2018 Author Posted May 30, 2018 Unfortunately, BluesPower is probably correct. He has the life experience and we've all seen these scenarios played out in the forums hundreds of times. We don't need more detail to reach a high probability conclusion about your scenario - it's same old stuff to us. Yes, the conclusion could be wrong, but it is something you need to at least strongly consider. Seriously, I think you would be wise to completely break things off and move on. Based on my own experiences at your age, I think you need more dating experience before fixating on one person. Despite how strongly you may feel about her, you don't have the experience to know that you are making a good choice. Can appreciate the formative manner that you’re putting it in though mate, think I should confront her about it?
central Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 Can appreciate the formative manner that you’re putting it in though mate, think I should confront her about it? Confronting her probably won't work. If she did anything wrong, she'll deny it - that's the way it works with cheating. Instead, observe her if you get back together. Unexplained time apart, guarding her phone, etc., are often signs of something - like a lover - that she is hiding. If she treats you differently, either avoiding sex, or considerably more sex than usual (hysterical bonding), then be very suspicious of why - she'll have all kinds of excuses if asked, except none will likely be the truth. If things return to normal, and you apologize and forgive each other for this issue, with no other behavioral changes, then you may be good. Keep observing for a while, but in time less vigilance should be needed.
Author Throwaway97 Posted May 30, 2018 Author Posted May 30, 2018 (edited) Confronting her probably won't work. If she did anything wrong, she'll deny it - that's the way it works with cheating. Instead, observe her if you get back together. Unexplained time apart, guarding her phone, etc., are often signs of something - like a lover - that she is hiding. If she treats you differently, either avoiding sex, or considerably more sex than usual (hysterical bonding), then be very suspicious of why - she'll have all kinds of excuses if asked, except none will likely be the truth. If things return to normal, and you apologize and forgive each other for this issue, with no other behavioral changes, then you may be good. Keep observing for a while, but in time less vigilance should be needed. Guess that’s the thing, it’s all theoretical, I’m a believer of innocent until proven guilty so I’m gonna trust my gut for the time being. Reckon I’ll carry out the month then see where we’re at afterwards. Trust is important, and if she’s legitimately done nothing wrong, then I shouldn’t be accusing her of anything with literally 0 evidence. The truth will always be revealed in time. Another thing is I can only focus on myself, I’ve done/said some pretty bad **** to her, which I’m trying to fix to make this relationship work. If she truly loves/trusts me and has done no kind of infidelity, things will work out. Edited May 30, 2018 by Throwaway97 1
Author Throwaway97 Posted May 30, 2018 Author Posted May 30, 2018 Confronting her probably won't work. If she did anything wrong, she'll deny it - that's the way it works with cheating. Instead, observe her if you get back together. Unexplained time apart, guarding her phone, etc., are often signs of something - like a lover - that she is hiding. If she treats you differently, either avoiding sex, or considerably more sex than usual (hysterical bonding), then be very suspicious of why - she'll have all kinds of excuses if asked, except none will likely be the truth. If things return to normal, and you apologize and forgive each other for this issue, with no other behavioral changes, then you may be good. Keep observing for a while, but in time less vigilance should be needed. Just one more question sorry mate, she’s on study break now, but has a couple days off before her exams officially start for 2 weeks, should I say anything to her in these couple of free days? Talk about the relationship? Wish her all the best of luck for her exams? We’ve agreed on the month of absence so I’m afraid I’m gonna screw this up if I contact her before then.
central Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 If you've agreed to a month of no contact, then honor that agreement. At most, text her good luck re: her exams, and nothing more - even that may be too much. Let the absence work in your favor, so that she misses you and wants you back. Of course, if she doesn't want you back or isn't sure, then contacting her will only help her decide - against.
BluesPower Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 So you conclude the fact that she’s cheating on me basis of a short paragraph of my situation, not knowing what we’ve been through together nor knowing an inch of our personalities, yet I’m the fool... Think I’ll pass on that definitive conclusion mate, anyone else? You can take this or leave it, but I am going to try one more time with you. Yes, I am doing that. And if you want to read the thousands of thread about this sort of thing that I have responded to on this site alone, you will find that I am almost never wrong. Your GF, screwed the guy that night, is it so standard as to be cliché. Then when you got pissed, for her "sleeping over" she wants a break. The break is so she can try out this new guy that she is screwing and not feel guilty. You are completely being played from start to finish, you are just too young and foolish to realize it.
SpecialJ Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 You've been insecure about your relationship for 4.5 years? You're young and that can be very wearing on your partner, especially when you're both trying to figure out your own identities. It's hard to do that if you're tasked with upholding someone else's, too. I'd recommend not contacting her (it's a boundary, respect it) and do some introspection. Are you insecure in the relationship because she's really given you any reason to be? Or is it your own baggage unrelated to her? Google anxious insecure attachment style and see if any of that resonates with you about your own feelings. If so, then you've got some self improvement work to do, which will improve your relationships in the long run. Good luck!
donotmicrowave Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 Cheers man, appreciate the opinion, it’s worth noting that my these issues I have hasn’t come out of nowhere, I’ve been battling insecurity ever since we started dating in fear of losing her, still haven’t gotten my emotions in check. She’s very mature for her age, more mature than me, so doing some dumb **** like cheating/infidelity would be one of the last probably things to have happened. Honestly think she’s just stressed out and needs to focus without worrying about my outbursts. **** will work out the way their supposed to I guess. Feeling insecure for over 4 years truly sounds exhausting! I was having a “blast” in a 5 year relationship with an emotionally abusive manchild myself, feeling insecure and “below him and everyone” was probably the worst. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling that way, but do try to find the causes for it and understand them. Maybe she really is that stressed, maybe she’s unsure, maybe whatever, we could go on for ages. But you sure as hell got an entire month for yourself now. Be you, have fun, let it hurt, become a better man. Wishing you the best only!
Author Throwaway97 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 Well it was quicker than I anticipated, but she contacted me last night asking if we could have a chat face-to-face, I agreed. She told me she had already decided that she had already made the decision which was to break up but just didn’t know how to put it in words. She said that she didn’t know why she was feeling this way, but she wanted to really knuckle down on her other commitments in life and self improve herself as an idividual. She told me that there was still love there, still feelings for me deep down, but she didn’t know how to express them at the current moment. There’s nothing I could have done to change her mind so I just accepted it and mutually we’ve moved on. Don’t really know what to do now, shes saved my life, going through years of depression she was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to. Guess the only way is forward and that’s the direction I have to go in.
Marc878 Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Like blues said she met someone else and is wanting to explore something new. The separation was planned to lead up to letting you down easy and keep her options open. You're very young but will learn. It's not the end of the world and she's not some irreplaceable snowflake. You need to keep a very tight NC. I'd block her on everything. She's shown you and told you everything you need to know. Not believing her at this time will put you in worse shape and get you nothing.
Marc878 Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Well it was quicker than I anticipated, but she contacted me last night asking if we could have a chat face-to-face, I agreed. She told me she had already decided that she had already made the decision which was to break up but just didn’t know how to put it in words. She said that she didn’t know why she was feeling this way, but she wanted to really knuckle down on her other commitments in life and self improve herself as an idividual. Her other man will surface now but there's nothing you can do exept move on, grow up and mature She told me that there was still love there, still feelings for me deep down, but she didn’t know how to express them at the current moment. There’s nothing I could have done to change her mind so I just accepted it and mutually we’ve moved on. Blah, blah, blah. BS. You're young and this happens. Never ever chase!!!! Don’t really know what to do now, shes saved my life, going through years of depression she was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to. Guess the only way is forward and that’s the direction I have to go in. You are responsible for yourself. She's moved on and you would be wise to let this go and do the same
SpecialJ Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 (edited) I'm sorry it went down this way, but my advice from earlier in this thread still stands. Go no contact, for yourself, and take the time to get to know yourself as an individual better and look into the reasons for that insecurity. It will make your next relationship much smoother, whoever that is with! But even if you don't go into that analysis right away -- be kind to yourself in the coming weeks. It will be tough, but you'll get through it even if it takes a while. Edited May 31, 2018 by SpecialJ
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 I'm sorry she broke up with you. For her the 4.5 year relationship came to an end. She out grew you. It happens when young lovers take different paths. The very small silver lining, she didn't leave you dangling for too long. For now, grieve. Be sad for a while. You lost something precious. In a few weeks when you have run out of tears, pull yourself together. First you purge: Get rid of all the mementos & reminders. If you can't throw them out, box them up. All photos go on a flash drive, off your main computer & that thumb drive goes in the box. Next rearrange your living space. Finally keep busy. Now is a great time to take up jogging or join a gym. Pursue a new hobby. Just keep moving. Eventually the acute pain will subside but this is not an overnight process
ExpatInItaly Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 For her the 4.5 year relationship came to an end. She out grew you. It happens when young lovers take different paths. Exactly this. It is rare that people stay with their teenage loves forever. Someone at 15 is going to change a lot throughout their teens and twenties, and is generally not experienced enough to settle down with one person forever. She cares about you but is ready to spread her wings, to use an old cliche. This will be a big change for you, but it will be for the best if her heart wasn't in it anymore. 1
usa1ah Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 She didn’t cheat on me mate, it’s not that black and white, I know her better than anyone and she isn’t that type of person. And the guy always says this. Sorry mate but answer me one thing, is this the first time she stayed out all night?
usa1ah Posted June 2, 2018 Posted June 2, 2018 Anyway it’s time to man up and be someone. Do some reading. No More Mr Nice Guy. His Needs Her Needs. Make yourself into a man. Grow the **** up. Take responsibility for you, your actions and your future. If you haven’t done so, take up some sort of activity. Something with a chance of harm. Mix martial arts or mountain biking. My son a few months ago took up trail riding. He meets up with a group from the bike shop at times or takes my youngest with him at other times. He has already crashed and road rashed and is riding a few advanced trails. I have had all three of mind in mixed martial arts for about four years when younger. Stop all communication with her and return and special gifts she has given you. Put it in a box and leave it at her front door. Do not talk with her about it and don’t ask for your stuff in return. She tried to be kind by letting you down easy, **** that. Understand this she met someone at the party and cheated on you in some degree. Anything you didn’t send back to her that reminds you of her trash. Remove any trace of her out of your life. I have given my son this same advice when an old girlfriend did something similar. Here we are 3.5 years later and she sees the young man he has become. She has told my daughter she regrets what she did now(she is one of my daughter’s best friends).
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