Going through a divorce and just got dumped by my rebound guy

[dboss123k1]

I currently feel like a total loser. It's not like I already had enough going on in my life...I didn't need to add this to my stress level. I need some advice and hope I don't go on too long.

 

I'm 32 yo, have a Master's in Physical Therapy and getting divorced from my college sweetheart. We have 2 little girls caught in the middle of a very sad situation. My X was an abusive, alcoholic, and I finally found it in myself to call it quits. He hasn't worked for over a year, lives with his parents, and is a totally deadbeat dad. So, that part is bad enough...I have to add dating a guy into the picture.

 

I met a guy in the airport and it was probably the first time I had let my guard down in 10 years. He was cute but not gorgeous...funny, witty, and I was lonely. He pulled me in...easily. At first, I wasn't even interested. But, he kept calling me and persuing me and telling me how beautiful I was. So, finally I started to enjoy it and need it. We spent 5 very intense months, with a lot of chemistry, and a lot of intense moments. Now, all of a sudden, he thinks it's too much and I'm making him feel suffocated. I read the book, "Honestly, you're not that into him either" and realistically I know I wasn't at the beginning, but it turned into a habit, and now that he's dumping me, it really pisses me off. Now, how is that for admitting your own issues.

 

I started NC by Sunday and my Monday he had emailed me asking to come over. The stupid person that I am let him come over. He now has conveniant plans every night of the week that don't include me. It's like why buy the cow? I'm not a cow...I'm actually very pretty and don't understand what's going on.

 

Was it too soon for me to get in a relationship? Am I ever going to have a healthy relationship? Why is it I can't just be by myself and enjoy that time? Why am I obsessed with this rebound guy when I could get better down the road?

 

Help. I really feel like I'm losing it.

[Candy Cane]

Hi! It sounds like you're pretty normal to me. Forget about your silly books for awhile. They don't know EVERYTHING. The guy and the relationship sounds to me like it was more than just a rebound. It sounds like he cared for you and you cared for him. You don't need to minimize it to make yourself feel better. Feel better in knowing that you didn't do anything wrong.

 

So the guy needs a break. So what? Probably normal. Just make sure he knows that you aren't his free milk cow. He needs to respect you or else you are going to lose respect for yourself. Just...don't even talk to him for awhile. Ignore him completely. Wait and wait and wait some more for him to come over and ask why you don't love him anymore. Trust me, he's going to wonder. No one likes to lose love.

 

You sound a lot like me so I don't doubt what a beautiful and wonderful person you are. DO NOT let him make you feel less than who you are. You gave him love and he did not appreciate it. His loss in so many ways and he will see that real quick like when you make your absence known.

 

And finally...seriously...forget about the whole thing. It's like you are trying to build a sandcastle that keeps getting knocked over by the tide. Forget about the sandcastle for awhile and go get some margaritas. Margaritas are YUM.

[dboss123k1]

Thank you so much. I'm going to keep reading your post today so I don't call him. I appreciate your advice...Dana

[dboss123k1]

Well, I did OK with NC. Then he started calling. Now today I have sent him a text, IM'd him, and called him. I'm back to being an obsessive loser...What do I do? Should I call him and apologize for going over board? I just don't get why he doesn't want to see me like I want to see him.

[Candy Cane]

Good Lord, do not apologize. You are not a loser. Just...stop. Stop texing, stop calling, stop everything.

 

Why doesn't he want to see you? He probably does. He just doesn't know it yet because you are so available. You are a catch and he's bound to know that. But, you aren't acting like it when you run back to him and never make him work for your affections. It's an act of desperation and it's not attractive.

 

So...what are you going to do?

[dboss123k1]

Candy Cane,

 

I read a message you posted for another person and it said, when the ex calls you, tell them not to get back in touch with you until they're ready to work on the relationship.

 

So, he called me this afternoon, I said that he shouldn't call me again unless he wants to be 100% into me. I told him I was not willing to sacrifice myself over someone that wasn't into me. He said OK.

 

But, you are so right. It's so easy to understand but hard to do. When I don't call, he calls me. So, what I'm doing is very unattractive. I feel like you're my new best friend. Can we email? You're helping a lot of people girl!

Thanks,

Dana

[Candy Cane]

Hi Dana.

 

The system won't let me send you a private email for some reason. Perhaps you have that feature turned off. If you turn that back on, I'll give you my contact information.

 

Candy Cane

[dboss123k1]

I tried too...it won't let me send one. how are we going to do this? In code?

[dboss123k1]

Because I'm a new member..must have to go through trial...

 

I feel stronger now that I've told him not to call me anymore! Hope to talk soon.

[Candy Cane]

Try adding me to your buddy list.

[Candy Cane]

Under User CP, and then under Options, it allows you to check or uncheck whether or not you want private messages from other users.

 

If you already know that but it's still not working, then I don't suppose there's anything else we can do.

 

Bummer deal.

[Guinevere04]

I am 31. Going through a divorce after being married for 6 years. My boyfriend of a year just broke up with me because he can't take all the stress in my life and my husband is an alcoholic and deadbeat dad that isn't working and never sees our son or his daughter from a previous marriage. I am having to file bankruptcy because he is living in our house with his girlfriend who happens to be my sister's good friend but I am paying all the joint debt because I am the only one who cared about our credit.

 

Since my boyfriend dumped me, I feel like the only thing I have in this world is my precious son and my parents (screw my sister because she is still friends with the girl dating my husband). I feel like I am letting my parents down by having to file bankruptcy because they gave me the land my house is sitting on.

 

So, how's that, you feel better now? Are we are both stupid? No, I don't think so. Men just screw our lives up.

 

My boyfriend was the greatest thing to me. We were friends before my husband and I split and he knew the whole situation of how I had been treated. By him dumping me because he can't handle it anymore, I feel stabbed in the back because I really feel like he knew what he was getting into. He told me to call him when my life settles down. I think that if he has been going through this with me and wants to quit now? The phone not ringing will be me not calling brother.....

[Candy Cane]

I am 31. Going through a divorce after being married for 6 years. My boyfriend of a year just broke up with me because he can't take all the stress in my life and my husband is an alcoholic and deadbeat dad that isn't working and never sees our son or his daughter from a previous marriage. I am having to file bankruptcy because he is living in our house with his girlfriend who happens to be my sister's good friend but I am paying all the joint debt because I am the only one who cared about our credit.

 

Since my boyfriend dumped me, I feel like the only thing I have in this world is my precious son and my parents (screw my sister because she is still friends with the girl dating my husband). I feel like I am letting my parents down by having to file bankruptcy because they gave me the land my house is sitting on.

 

So, how's that, you feel better now? Are we are both stupid? No, I don't think so. Men just screw our lives up.

 

My boyfriend was the greatest thing to me. We were friends before my husband and I split and he knew the whole situation of how I had been treated. By him dumping me because he can't handle it anymore, I feel stabbed in the back because I really feel like he knew what he was getting into. He told me to call him when my life settles down. I think that if he has been going through this with me and wants to quit now? The phone not ringing will be me not calling brother.....

 

What a jerk your boyfriend is. Let him go through some hard times alone. People can be quite horrible at times. It seems as though when you care about one of these horrible people, you tend to blame yourself or think you can fix them or motivate them into being nice....or you believe the justification bullcrap that they are feeding you. Like, "I'm just not feelin' the love anymore, baby, but I'll let you know if it comes back." Yeah, that's love you should miss.

[RainyDayWoman]

 

It's like you are trying to build a sandcastle that keeps getting knocked over by the tide. Forget about the sandcastle for awhile and go get some margaritas. Margaritas are YUM.

 

candycane, i hope you don't mind this terribly, but i am using this quote and crediting you as my signature.

 

i think it's fabulous. it's funny and true and that makes it so...so...i don't know, perfect i guess!

 

 

guinevere, take that advice. i think it's the best way to think of it, and i couldn't have said it any better.

[KelvinKDX]

It's like you are trying to build a sandcastle that keeps getting knocked over by the tide. Forget about the sandcastle for awhile and go get some margaritas. Margaritas are YUM.

 

Wow CC - i love it.

[Candy Cane]

candycane, i hope you don't mind this terribly, but i am using this quote and crediting you as my signature.

 

i think it's fabulous. it's funny and true and that makes it so...so...i don't know, perfect i guess!

 

 

guinevere, take that advice. i think it's the best way to think of it, and i couldn't have said it any better.

 

Love to be quoted...just so long as I'm not wrong.