brooke7777 Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 So...I happened to stumble upon this page and it seems as though I'm not the only one in my current position. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 3/4 years but had dated on and off for a little while giving us a grand total of almost 3 1/2 years together. We are both 23 and this is not the first serious relationship for either of us. We met in college and fell madly in love with each other. I had my whole life planned...we knew how many kids we were hgoing to have, what our future home would look like, etc. We were that couple that everyone thought would last forever. We had both talked about our future together early and we were always know as that power couple. Well, for the past 2 or 3 months we got into this little rut where we kind of pushed each others buttons a lot...nothing too serious. WE had gotten into a rut liek this before once or twice, but only for a week and we always came out of it stronger than before. We had this big blow out and really talked about all of our issues with each other...big and small. For 2 weeks after that we really worked on those issues and everything was amazing. We were having fun and we were really happy. Everything seemed to be perfect... or so I thought. One day I came home from work and he met me at my house, just as we had planned. I could tell something was wrong. He proceeded to tell me that he hasn't felt as enthusiastic about our relationship and he doesn't know if he can get back to that level of enthusiasm. I told him that we just had a rough time and that we had both been really working on our issues and that we can't expect everything to snap back into place immediately. He agreed saying he could see that I was really trying to work on the specific things that had talked about, but he still just felt confused and didn't know if he was as enthusiastic about the relationship or if he could get back to that level. He said he wanted to take a few days of space and I agreed, telling him that whatever he needed to make this work. So needless to say, I was miserable for 5 days. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep...basically, I just cried a whole hell of a lot. We met up and then talked for 5 hours. Basically, he told me that he had really taken this time to think about things and that he feels the same as before the whole space thing. He's not sure if he can ever get back to that level of enthusiasm. I asked him how long this had been going on and he said a few months. He said he feels that his heart just isn't into trying for it anymore, but he still loves me. I guess its that whole I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore thing. He never said that per say...but that's what I've taken from the situation. So he says that right now he can't do this and that if we are meant to be then we will be together again one day. So, we're both sitting there talking, hugging, and crying...one big old mess. We left amicably and decided that we did not want to lose each other completely. He's not only my boyfriend, but my best friend. So we went a week with no contact and then I broke down and called. THe converstaion started out normal and ended with us talking about the demise of the relationship. I still feel confused and I don't think I understand why this is happening. I just felt that this was out of nowhere. As time passes, I try to look back for signs and there don't seemt to be any. So basically, I have been a mess. I feel like I lost a part of myself. I have my good days and my bad...mostly bad. It's been a little over two weeks so I know that this is all natural. Part of me feels like the whole thing is that he just turned 23 and he's not happy with his career and feels that without me in the picture he can focus his energy on his career. He says there is no one else and that he can't imaging being with anyone else right now. He also says that it's not about him wanting to be single right now. I just don't know or understand what is going on and all I feel is totally hurt and confused. We said that we wanted to talk once or twice a week, but not hang out for a little while. I just feel like I'm living on a real thin line of making too much contact and not enough. I don't know what to do. I don't know how often to call or what to say. I don't know when its appropriate to ask him to try to work things out. Basically, I guess I just need to vent and hear someone else's take on my saga. So any advice anyone has to offer would be appreciated.
Candy Cane Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Hi Brooke. Know your situation well. First of all, you need to not take it personally. The guy, for whatever reason, wants some time apart. Don't blame yourself or try to fix what made him want that space. It's HIS deal. Just...don't call him at all. If he calls you, be friendly but cool...and short. If he tries to carry on some sort of communication say, "Hey, are you wanting to try and make our relationship work?" If he says, "No," or "Need more time" or something along those lines, say, "Great. Let me know when you do." DO NOT argue with him about it or try to convince him of it. Then, I'd just cease communications with him until he's indicated that he's willing to work on things. Just ignore him if he tries to make some lame contact. Don't read into anything unless he's made it clear that he wants to come back to you. For example, if he sends you a message asking how you are, ignore it. If he leaves you a message and wants to talk about your relationship, then return the message. Keep your chin up. Everything is going to turn out GREAT. Good luck!
flsgirl Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Hey there Brooke, So sorry that you're going through this. I was in your position two years ago with my ex. We were together for 3 years. We had a really messy breakup but I was the dumpee. I thought I was going to die. I couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate or anything. It was pretty awful. This one even put me in therapy (which was pretty helpful by the way). How I got through it was by not talking to him. We tried to do the "friends" thing first and that didn't work. It just made me cry everytime we got off the phone. Plus I always had that false hope he'd come back to me. I decided to make a choice. I had my friends confisgate my cell phone so I wouldn't call. I spent a lot of time with friends and family. I took a drawing class, read a lot of books and joined a gym. My roommate plastered signs all over our house about how awesome I am. I did everything I could to keep my mind off him. It didn't work a lot but after a period of time, I started to feel better. I even started to realize that I was a much better person without him. It took a long time to get to this place but I'm doing things I never thought I'd do. About a year later my ex realized that I was the girl he wanted to marry. By that point I was over it and said there is no way in hell we'd ever get back together. We didn't speak for a while after that and then we started talking again. We're friends now and talk on the phone every few weeks (we don't live in the same area). So there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to go through this now. I promise you it will get better. Stay strong and I hope I helped.
Author brooke7777 Posted September 2, 2005 Author Posted September 2, 2005 I really appreciate both of your advice. This is still new and still really hard. I have my ups and my downs, but I guess that's to be expected too. Today is my birthday so it's been a really hard day. He did call and left me a voicemail while I was at work to say happy birthday. Not sure whether or not I am going to call him back yet. Part of me still feels like I need to know why he lost his "enthusiasm" toward the relationship. I guess I kind of feel really confused and think that this may help me take a step forward. Uncertainty is not my forte. To call or not to call?
Recommended Posts