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Ex told me to move on after I brought up therapy. Mom thinks he's emotional abuser.

zawadi16

By zawadi16
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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zawadi16 Established Member

zawadi16

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I broke up with my ex in October. He lost his father almost a year before and hadn't dealt with it. In turn, I started to notice that he started acting kind of erratic. He would get so anxious sometimes he started to lose hair. I suggested that he get some therapy. He claimed that he went to one session and said that he didn't want to go back because he was afraid the therapist was going to tell him to not be with me anymore. Um okay. He progressively got more erratic and I made that I stipulation in our relationship. I essentially tried to force him. I couldn't handle his behavior any more so I broke up with him.

 

Fast forward to April. I never stopped loving him or missing him. We had wanted to get married and have children. I called him and we talked for almost 2 hrs about us and understandably he was taken back. He said he needed time to think because I just came out of the blue with things. He asked me what I thought needed changing in our relationship and how we would go about those changes. A few weeks later we met and talked for another 2 hours. This time he brought up therapy and said the therapist told him after one session that I wasn't right for him. Which I thought that was odd. He said he needed time to think because it was a head versus heart thing for him. About a week an half later he sends me a message at 12:30 in the morning saying he didn't think we were right for each other. I assumed the whole therapy thing was his big issue since he recently brought it up leading me to believe that is was at the forefront of his mind.

 

I wait a week and send him an email basically saying how it was wrong of me to have forced him to go to therapy all those months ago and I shouldn't have done that and how I hate how things have turned out and that we've missed important things like birthdays, etc. He replied shortly and touched on something about his birthday but then said how me forcing therapy definitely pissed him off and how I made him believe he was "paranoid" 'but it was really you manipulating me the entire time'. I explained to him in great detail why I thought he was being paranoid and originally thought he needed therapy and pointed out his behaviors that indicated that he needed therapy at the time and said how I was never trying to manipulate him. He replied 6 hours later saying I'm sorry you need to move on.

 

Wth?

 

My mother is convinced he is borderline, if not emotionally abusive. Maybe because I'm in it I don't see it, but I think she's wrong.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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He replied 6 hours later saying I'm sorry you need to move on.

Yes, I tend to agree with him here. What is the point of playing the blame game at this point? The relationship is over and it's never going to be resuscitated. You don't have to make some kind of agreement with him about who was right and who was wrong. It's perfectly fine to say to yourself, "I believe the problem was X, and it doesn't matter what he thinks". And then there is no need to talk to him ever again.

Leojax Established Member

Leojax

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Your mother is right.

 

OP did you notice he went from saying I thought the therapist was going to tell me so and so to now it's the therapist told me. He probably never went and wanted you to get off his back about it.

 

Of course with anything take his move on at face value but I'm sure he's just angry. I'm sure for him after all this time he was lead to believe he was 'paranoid' and now you tell him doesn't therapy? If he didn't want to be with you why communicate with you since April? Why have hours and hours worth of conversations with you and asking you how to fix your previous issues? Heck, why even meet with you to talk about your relationship? From October to now was ample amount of time to know if you wanted someone back or not. Why not tell you to move on in your initial email to you if he truly wants you to move on? It took for you to explain why you thought he was paranoid and needed therapy to say "move on" aka another slap in the face to him.

 

He's pissed at you and he's in fact the one who is manipulating you by feeding you that bull of "the therapist said". He's manipulating you again by saying move on because he's pissed. Just like I'm sure he said you two weren't right for each other was manipulating bull to get you off his back. If he wasn't a manipulator I would say he definitely means for you to move on, but just from this little blurb it seems like when he gets upset he tells you to go away (manipulation and emotional abuse) but doesn't truly mean it.

 

Your ex definitely needs therapy. He knows it. He was fine with things after you initial email saying he didn't need to go but got pissed when you pointed out his issues and validated his erratic thoughts of you manipulating him.

 

You can't see it because you're in OP. He's a manipulator. He wants to be with you but it has to be all on his terms. Don't deal with that.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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You noted you broke up with him in October.

 

In another thread you posted in January, you said he broke up with you and tried to get back with you a week later. You accused him of being a player and forced him to acknowledge those accusations and when he didn't you told him it was over and that you had already moved on. He accepted it and left. Then you freaked out and went off the rails with the texting re: ranting about the break-up and how you cannot be with him.

 

Now, you call him in April. And maybe that is why he was taken aback. You did tell him you had moved on. All this breaking up and trying to get back is a sign that it is broken and unhealthy.

 

He likely sees it as emotional manipulation/game playing on your part and he has likely done the same to you.

 

Best to accept his decision without the need to label. You realized at some point this was not the relationship for you -- maybe it's time to truly let it go.

  • Like 3
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I also agree with your mother.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think he went to a therapist, and if he did I doubt the therapist told him to breakup with you. He's full of lies, gaslights you, and yes emotionally abusive. Yes you just don't see it, and I suspect you didn't believe much of what others had told you in your other thread. Wake up! And listen to those around you.

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zawadi16 Established Member

zawadi16

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I also agree with your mother.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think he went to a therapist, and if he did I doubt the therapist told him to breakup with you. He's full of lies, gaslights you, and yes emotionally abusive. Yes you just don't see it, and I suspect you didn't believe much of what others had told you in your other thread. Wake up! And listen to those around you.

 

I guess I don't see how someone saying to move on is gaslighting or emotional abuse. It just seems like someone who doesn't want to be with me-not abuse.I don't understand.

  • Like 1
Emmafive Established Member

Emmafive

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I also agree with your mother.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think he went to a therapist, and if he did I doubt the therapist told him to breakup with you. He's full of lies, gaslights you, and yes emotionally abusive. Yes you just don't see it, and I suspect you didn't believe much of what others had told you in your other thread. Wake up! And listen to those around you.

 

+1

 

This has nothing to do with wanting to be with you or not. An abuser can still want to be with you but how they show it is different because it isn't healthy and that's what you're not seeing.

 

This all about his need for control. My uncle who was physically abuse would do the same thing. He loved his wife very much but any time she would 'step out of line' he would threaten to leave her or tell her he doesn't want to be with her. He was just sick in the head. She eventually left him and he drank himself to death. People who have control issues they love you and want you, but in their own way. It's not a healthy way.

 

My guess is there's A LOT you haven't disclosed to us about his abusive behavior.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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I'd be surprised if he ever even went to that therapy session. He probably made that whole thing up so he could be "right" because he's mad at you wanting him to get therapy. But if he did, they certainly didn't tell him on the first session you weren't right for him. They might have said "Maybe you need to work on yourself for ahile" or something like that. More likely, IF he went, he didn't like what they had to say.

 

You could offer to go to that same therapist WITH him a time or two. But you are right to not get back with him until he has gotten some help and keeps getting help. It's not a "one and done" thing. He probably is paranoid. No telling what else. His hair is falling out. He needs help.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I guess I don't see how someone saying to move on is gaslighting or emotional abuse. It just seems like someone who doesn't want to be with me-not abuse.I don't understand.

Ya it is....he's being passive aggressive. He's going out of his way to make you the bad guy...he is playing the victim/ diverting blame...this is what abusers do. Keeping you confused is their end goal for control.

  • Like 1
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I also highly doubt any therapist told him you were bad for him. Heck, he was saying that (indirectly) before he ever went to therapy. Very convenient.

 

It's clear he wanted out of the relationship and that he doesn't want back in. Whether he is abusive or borderline of in the throws of grief doesn't matter too much anymore, in the end. He is telling you very clearly that there's no future together.

 

Listen to him when he says you need to move on. It really will be for the best.

  • Like 2
Emmafive Established Member

Emmafive

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I also highly doubt any therapist told him you were bad for him. Heck, he was saying that (indirectly) before he ever went to therapy. Very convenient.

 

It's clear he wanted out of the relationship and that he doesn't want back in. Whether he is abusive or borderline of in the throws of grief doesn't matter too much anymore, in the end. He is telling you very clearly that there's no future together.

 

Listen to him when he says you need to move on. It really will be for the best.

 

I agree with the therapy thing except the wanting to be out of the relationship.

 

I don't think he wanted out of the relationship since she was the one who broke up with him. He wanted out of having to go to therapy. The fact that he was making up lies to get out of going he knew/knows on some level he has issues but doesn't want to address them. Having someone you love tell you that you have issues and only therapy can fix it is a very hard pill to swallow which usually breeds resentment (personal experience). I feel like if he really wanted out when OP reached out to him he wouldn't have been meeting up with her to talk and even go so far as to ask how they can improve the relationship if he had wanted out and didn't want back in.

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