Versacehottie Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 Thanks for the input. Anyways there are some details I'm not including as well for confidentiality. But ANYWAYS, we are trying to work out things right now and see how things go in the next while. Yes you should have fun with someone you're with. But at the same time, at different stages of our lives, we have different needs. And I know I can have a lot of "fun" with certain people, but I'm ultimately looking for a husband. We can't have it all, and those other factors are more important to me than just someone who's "fun". Everything is a balance. I know what I want, but I also know I can't have it all. It's a balance with something you know you can live with. I spent an entire year being stuck in something that ultimately gave me a lot of pain before, I won't make the same mistake again. And he's still around - so he's obviously has something in it going for him. I believe in being reasonable, but I'm not going to lower my expectations just to appease to be like the "general public". I don't want to be - if I was the general public, I wouldn't be where I am in life today. People don't achieve great things by being "easygoing" about every little thing. And if that means I'll be single a bit longer, that's okay. I'm fed up with people in the past telling me I must play the role of the demure happy go lucky girl. I'm not. I have expectations and that's how I achieved success and done things in life that other people have not. Some men want a housewife who will be at their beck and call, and that's fine. But if they want a challenge, then it doesn't come without a price either. Just like if I go for successful men, it also comes with a price. i agree that everything is a balance. TBH, not sure if you came here to get your thoughts on paper and sort through things in your head and then turned into feeling like you had to defend your positions--yes both of them. I think people are giving you sound advice, maybe you just aren't at the stage to hear it yet. I think it's because you have conflicted goals: one on hand you really really want to find a husband and on the other you see lots of incompatibility issues, which you can't tell if you are overreacting because you're still hurt or if they are real issues. So with all due respect, who is settling & lowering their expectations? You are sticking it out with someone you have very mixed feelings about mainly to get to your goal of finding a husband. That's settling, in the biggest way. If you believe better is out there for you (i agree with that), then HOLD out for it. Choose to be single and in right headspace to date. No judgement for staying in it a while longer to be sure of your decision to cut it off, but you aren't exactly ok with being single that's why you are choosing to hang in there. Choosing the potential for a husband in this guy rather than risk not having anyone in the immediate future. People from all walks of life are on this website (probably some more and some less successful than you in the careers). I actually don't think that career success means you are guaranteed romantic success nor that people with less career success have settled romantically if that's what you mean. If you look around, you will see that's not the case. It's a tricky little formula to have romantic propensity for success inherent in you and encounter the right person at the right time. I hope that you can see this relationship with this guy to it's intended outcome and find clarity with what you want, whether it's with him or someone else. Good luck
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 (edited) I think people are giving you sound advice, maybe you just aren't at the stage to hear it yet. I think it's because you have conflicted goals: one on hand you really really want to find a husband and on the other you see lots of incompatibility issues, which you can't tell if you are overreacting because you're still hurt or if they are real issues. So with all due respect, who is settling & lowering their expectations? You are sticking it out with someone you have very mixed feelings about mainly to get to your goal of finding a husband. Nobody is suggesting that you should lower your expectations or date a man only because that person is "fun." I can certainly appreciate why you would want to take this seriously, and not waste more time on a bad relationship. Dating is not easy. I too was very focused on dating to find a husband, because I wanted to have a baby... And I wasn't successful. I believe that I was going about dating for all the wrong reasons and the pressure I put on myself and on dating was not helpful. With time, my understanding of the experience and what I wanted changed. I waited, and waited, and waited to find the right person. For me, I wasn't successful in finding a life partner until I let go of many of my expectations and decided to enjoy the process more... Interestingly, I found a man who had many of my "expectations" and is also great fun! You do seem conflicted and somewhat willing to settle for a man who does not meet your expectations, because you are intent on finding a husband. I offer my personal experience with the best of intentions and suggest that you be careful with this, because I think it is unlikely to bring happiness and long term success in relationships. Edited June 13, 2018 by BaileyB
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 13, 2018 Author Posted June 13, 2018 Thanks guys. I'm not trying to be arrogant, it's just that based on stats alone, based on my income level, there's a very small proportion of the population that can meet it. That's all. Of course I won't have more romantic success than other people, in fact I'm sure it's because of this criteria that I'm immensely more limited because of it. I've cut a huge proportion of the population away and a bunch of guys in my income bracket don't want women like me. I did feel stronger about a friend, but he didn't want us to date. So yes there are people I have cared about more but at the end of the day, life works like that - you can't always have everything you want. You may want to date someone else, but they may not want to date you. I could keep holding out, but the stats aren't looking good for me based on age and other factors. Guys in my income bracket can easily get younger women. In fact this guy is much older than me (less than 10 years though). For me, income level is very very important. No I don't need financial support. I can make my own money. But I think it's a measure of someone's potential and success. Yes there are talented people without the income but anyways that's a different discussion. I've already decided that it's something I want - someone in my income bracket with similar financial goals and a similar envision of a family. Of course I have to like them, and I've gone out probably on more than 50-100 dates with guys that fit the criteria who due to other reasons whether on my or their ends that it didn't work out. No I'm not completely happy being single. At the end of the day, until I "fall in love", it's about trying to figure out if I am settling. We settle for all sorts of things in life, careers, jobs, family - it's a matter of life. It doesn't necessarily mean we are doomed to misery. I think over the next while, hopefully I can figure that out - whether I like him enough and his other positive attributes can overshadow the shortcomings. And that's also something for him to figure out about me in the process too.
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