Author fieldoflavender Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 I am physically attracted to cocky guys, but he is not a cocky guy. Quite the opposite actually. We text quite a bit, but maybe we're taking a short break right now. We rarely call although he does rarely. Well it's a bit of a deal breaker. Not necessarily it has to be x number of days with planning - but it's like I said specifically something is important to me, and he does zippo to address it or change. Or give me a reason why change is difficult. With that level of disregard, I feel like maybe we're not compatible. Then he feeds me a lot of "I think you are awesome, I would really like us to date" blah blah. But I'm not falling for that stuff after what happened in my last relationship.
preraph Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 You sound determined to be coupled up, so maybe you will have to make some compromises, but if you're going to compromise, you'd be better off getting the small stuff right, the stuff you have to live with daily, like how you're a planner and he's spontaneous -- that will drive you crazy each and every day, I promise you. I can't even be friends with someone who can't plan and commit. You're not likely to find the perfect guy for you, but keep looking and maybe you'll find one that FEELS right even if he's not perfect on paper.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 I think it's more that I'm not saying I'm breaking up with him over just that. It's like what happened with my ex- one dissatisfaction after another one eventually got me fed up. And even if he's different, I feel like - would it kill him to try to plan something more just once to show me that he cares about things that really bug me? Like if I made the effort to bring it up not once but THREE times, it should mean something. I think I just need a cool off period and maybe I should go see other people in the meantime. If I really miss him a lot during this time, maybe it means I should go back to him and maybe I can suck up some of these "little things" but yeah I think it would really drive me crazy in the long run if he can't commit to a single thing. Sure I love surprises like every other girl, but some organization would be nice.
preraph Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 That's the thing. He doesn't care. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't love you enough to do something simple like this for you. And he's probably thinking, if she cared about me, she wouldn't nag me. You're not a match.
stillafool Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I've never understood why most women feel cocky guys are sexy and confident. I find them a complete turn off.
Woggle Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I've never understood why most women feel cocky guys are sexy and confident. I find them a complete turn off. Some people mistake that for strength.
Logo Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I’m curious about the depth of your conversations surrounding this issue. Are they direct, clear and to the point? Do you tell him how you FEEL when he does that? Not in an accusatory tone, but in a “help me figure your behavior out” tone. Have a sit down. Talk it over some nice dessert and coffee or something. It’ll make things so much more pleasant and relaxed. Based on your last post, I sense resentment, anger and it sounds like you don’t want to deal with the problem. It’s human nature that at the first sign of trouble, we throw the proverbial baby with the bath water instead of challenging ourselves to get to the bottom of the issue. I realize you’ve explained yourself 3 times. But 80% of human communication is non-verbal or some such number. Try to be objective, set your emotions aside and try to better ‘negotiate’ with him. If you still feel that he’s not taking you seriously then hit the eject button and move on to the next person. I’ve long reached the conclusion that I’m not going to find the perfect person and that any human interaction is a form of negotiation. Things don’t always go our way, so we need to develop, finesse, those social skills that can make us better communicators. Try it out as an experiment, a personal challenge, go in with no expectations, and see if you can modify his behavior. It could bring you both closer. But if you’ve honestly and truly done all of the above, and it’s making you upset, then it’s time to move on.
SunnyWeather Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 good grief, who requires planning dates weeks in advance unless it's for a special show or trip anymore? it just seems so controlling, like the OP questioning his finances and how he chooses to spend his money at such early stage in the dating process. good luck with that 2
Versacehottie Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 So there’s another issue I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable about. I have a crazy work schedule and so does he. I hate not having dates or plans at least 1-2 weeks ahead of time. I think he’s more spontaneous. I’ve had not one but 3 talks about how I would like more planning to make me feel like he values our time more. But he’s still doing the asking me a few days before the day thing. Like is he just simply less invested or maybe he doesn’t like planning ahead like most guys? Maybe instead of being upset when I have these conversations and telling him I think he doesn’t value seeing me - should I simply tell him it’s just important that i get at least a week or two notice and see what he says? I don’t get why if it’s impprtant to me he has not yet changed. Maybe we are just incompatible ? 100% honest? I think you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And more honesty? I think it's not that he is so lacking per se, I think you have some things to deal with as well. First red flag, that is a sh*tload of complaints on someone you have just started to date and aren't even exclusive with yet/not your boyfriend. You sound like you are faulting him for your OWN history and how you sum up past relationships, which may or may not be accurate anyway. But overall if you are feeling this lukewarm at this stage, I'd say move on, there is less "there" than needs to be to sustain a happy relationship. I think it's important to have learned from past mistakes and if the same signs are reappearing, then move on. At the same time, it's important to give someone a clean slate from YOUR past and the benefit of the doubt. People are different though there are patterns that emerge all the time that show similarities. The trick is finding the balance and keeping your heart and mind open. Right now, you sound like you have a ticking time clock rather than an open mind and heart. In addition, on one level you are definitely incompatible with this guy because you don't respect him. It seems like you see him as a half-as* solution to singledom. Settling. Neither the one you settle on or the being a settler is an attractive trait--in other words, before you sum up all these issues this guy has it makes sense to examine yourself and what you can change in yourself, i.e. why would you do this to yourself and view someone you are considering letting into your life to this extent this way? If you feel all the ways you have described about him, then you should most definitely let him go. Anything else is desperation. That's on you, not on him to be someone he is not. Someone else will think he is an awesome person. You clearly don't, so move on. good luck 1
stillafool Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Some people mistake that for strength. It makes them seem insecure to me.
Woggle Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 It makes them seem insecure to me. True but people these days think puffing your chest out and showing false bravado is what makes you a strong person. They don't realize that some of the strongest people are mild mannered and have kind hearts. It's just the world we live in these days. 2
kendahke Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I have certain doubts and don't want him giving a lot of money to his family. At the 3 date mark, this really isn't any of your business. He can give his money to whomever he wants to give it and you have nothing to say about it until you're well on the way to being his wife. Having said that, if your base red flags are going off all around you already, then you need to bail. You've attracted the same character in a different body because you've yet to learn how to not attract them to you. The fact that you're giving this same character any serious consideration knowing the grief this personality type creates in you is enough for you to pull the plug. 1
Els Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Jesus Christ, this is like arguing about what color you want to paint your nursery before you're even in an exclusive relationship! If you're having this much concern about a relationship so early on, it's extremely likely that he's not a good match for you. 2
pc31 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 I feel like the better question is not whether or not his behaviors are red flags but is whether or not you like him. Generally speaking, i dont think about the guys family until he asks me to be exclusive. Only then, i have the basis to start considering his family. 1
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 12, 2018 Author Posted June 12, 2018 It's not necessarily about strength, it is just more physically appealing to me. But I understand it's not necessarily good husband material. Thanks for your input and I get it. I think I have some fresh wounds from my bad break up last year and I'm trying to work through it. I do quite well when I'm single and alone, but when I get into new "relationships" sometimes the wounds come back. Maybe I just need a bit of time to sort things out. However, if it's the "right person" I think the wounds go away more and I'm more ready to move on. So maybe he is not the right person. I don't know. It's not that I want to control him - but I think it's nice when a guy makes a girl feel like he wants to see her. And I don't see how asking her 3 days or in one case the day before if she wants to hang out is not really giving you respect. As for finances, I still think it's important. We don't need to decide EVERYTHING, but I'm also not in high school. I do want to get married in the next 2 years if things go well. I'm not exactly young. So if I see major blocks in how he would like to spend his money and how I would - no I do not have the ability to change him, but I might choose not to go for it. Sure we have a lot to talk about, but what is the point if by that time, I realize it's a deal breaker? Everything is a big picture - and for now, I don't know where things stand. But I think taking a break is not a bad idea. I would MUCH rather he be honest and if he can't fulfill my needs, then he can totally walk, that's way better than pretending he can do it and then bailing after engagement like my ex.
Versacehottie Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 (edited) It's not necessarily about strength, it is just more physically appealing to me. But I understand it's not necessarily good husband material. Thanks for your input and I get it. I think I have some fresh wounds from my bad break up last year and I'm trying to work through it. I do quite well when I'm single and alone, but when I get into new "relationships" sometimes the wounds come back. Maybe I just need a bit of time to sort things out. However, if it's the "right person" I think the wounds go away more and I'm more ready to move on. So maybe he is not the right person. I don't know. It's not that I want to control him - but I think it's nice when a guy makes a girl feel like he wants to see her. And I don't see how asking her 3 days or in one case the day before if she wants to hang out is not really giving you respect. As for finances, I still think it's important. We don't need to decide EVERYTHING, but I'm also not in high school. I do want to get married in the next 2 years if things go well. I'm not exactly young. So if I see major blocks in how he would like to spend his money and how I would - no I do not have the ability to change him, but I might choose not to go for it. Sure we have a lot to talk about, but what is the point if by that time, I realize it's a deal breaker? Everything is a big picture - and for now, I don't know where things stand. But I think taking a break is not a bad idea. I would MUCH rather he be honest and if he can't fulfill my needs, then he can totally walk, that's way better than pretending he can do it and then bailing after engagement like my ex. I would agree that you seem like you have fresh wounds and that combined with feeling like you need to get married in two years is clouding your thought process. I have to go back and re-read but did you say that you are 3-5 dates in, for sure not bf/gf yet (that I remember!) and you want to ask for a break??? And are concerned with how he spends his money? It's a bit much, like the nitty gritty of money spending? At this stage, IMO, you need to be on more of a broad strokes about the money thing---if you think he's a cheapskate and that bugs you, no go. If it's in line with your values, you will likely see it as frugal in a good way i.e. planning for his better future. If you think he's is overly and stupidly wasteful with his money and materialistic and that's not in line with your values, then no go. Much more than that is not really your business at this point and it's just a matter of whether his values match with yours, not that you have an INFLUENCE on his. If you are going to be in his life as a wife, he is likely to let you have some influence but it's controlling to expect access to this information now and not accurate if it's not his mindset yet that you two are planning a future together. So it's like you are trying to extrapolate data under the wrong set of circumstances on one level. General gist, of course, you should be able to get & will be able to get if that's all you are focusing on. In the past I have decided to not continue seeing 3 guys, because their values about money were wildly different than mine to the point that I wasn't attracted to them--knew this on first date--because it's a broad stroke thing. Another thing that's confusing things for you, is that you are in a reactive mode rather than proactive. He doesn't need to tell you anything (in the quest to be "honest", he has no more of an idea of how the future will play out than you do). YOU have a responsibility to YOURSELF to check to see if he meets your needs (and still there is no real guarantee!). I still don't see TBH why you are hanging in there--I haven't seen ONE thing in your posts to demonstrate a genuine liking of this guy other than he is a live body who might work out with your timeframe....recipe for disaster. Just saying. And not fair...to him. Edited June 12, 2018 by Versacehottie 1
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 12, 2018 Author Posted June 12, 2018 I think it's a natural break. He's taking a step back too. We were previously texting 2 hours a night and multiple times a day and we are both really busy people. I do like a lot of things about him - we have a lot to talk about, he cares about me when I am dealing with difficult family situations and he's good at his work. He knows how to have fun, and he has a good sense of humor. I just don't want to waste time and get hurt again in the grand scheme of things if there are deal breakers early on, I would rather know about it now rather than get totally emotionally invested and then find out that ultimately I still can't deal with the deal breakers. I find when there's deal breakers, then every little other thing will irritate you more whereas if you genuinely are in love with the person, then the little things don't matter as much. I don't think I will necessarily go to him and say "let's take a break". I might just do that on my own terms and look elsewhere at the same time. We sort of had an exclusivity talk and he wants to be exclusive but I don't think he's doing the role of being inclusive. Similar to everything else, he can't have his cake and eat it too. Maybe we should both be non exclusive for now imo. I don't know how to bring that up though.
Versacehottie Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 I think it's a natural break. He's taking a step back too. We were previously texting 2 hours a night and multiple times a day and we are both really busy people. I do like a lot of things about him - we have a lot to talk about, he cares about me when I am dealing with difficult family situations and he's good at his work. He knows how to have fun, and he has a good sense of humor. I just don't want to waste time and get hurt again in the grand scheme of things if there are deal breakers early on, I would rather know about it now rather than get totally emotionally invested and then find out that ultimately I still can't deal with the deal breakers. I find when there's deal breakers, then every little other thing will irritate you more whereas if you genuinely are in love with the person, then the little things don't matter as much. I don't think I will necessarily go to him and say "let's take a break". I might just do that on my own terms and look elsewhere at the same time. We sort of had an exclusivity talk and he wants to be exclusive but I don't think he's doing the role of being inclusive. Similar to everything else, he can't have his cake and eat it too. Maybe we should both be non exclusive for now imo. I don't know how to bring that up though. Well those are so nice things about this guy! Figuring out the deal breakers is more on you though--IMO, you are really focused on trying to figure out where this will end up rather than being the now. If he was more of the right guy for you and you were ready, you would be more excited about the now IMO. it sounds like you are a planner to the max, i think you need to be careful not to drive people away with that behavior. It's really soon (i think i saw that you have only been out twice over two months) to have grand expectations. FWIW, i think if communication is tapering off, you needn't say anything. Of course, if he asks, you should explain where your head is at. I also wouldn't expect to be able to resurrect anything from such a short, brief, not really close relationship (yet), a break is just as likely to be a breakup forever. Don't let that scare you. All of what you keep saying reads like you are not ready and/or this is not the right person for you. If he is the right person and the timing works out, you can contact him when you are in a better place if he is still on your mind (hopefully he will still be single). I think you need more personal clarity. If you are more stable and secure inside, you would have a better read on whether or not he is right for you. Good luck
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 You are really focused on figuring out whether this will end up rather than being in the now... Absolutely. My friend, at this point you should only be asking yourself "If I enjoy his company, I should see him again..." Relationships take time to grow... The guy shouldn't have to turn over his bank statements or justify his expenses after a few dates. It seems to me, you are either afraid of getting hurt again and thus trying to gather all the information you can to make an informed decision, like, today. Or, you are trying to fast track this guy and get him on the 2 year marriage, 3 year baby track... This talk of taking a break... A break from what? You are not really in a relationship with this man. You've had a few dates. You've talked about being exclusive. Great, but don't get ahead of yourself. Slow it down if you must but let's not get ahead of ourselves here... My best advice. Chill out. Enjoy your time with him. Get to know the guy. And, have fun. The rest will work itself out... Don't rush it. Enjoy.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 12, 2018 Author Posted June 12, 2018 Thanks I appreciate it. Actually I've tried "breaking up" with him 3 times already. Well it was more like - can we discuss this, see if our values align, and if we can't work it out, maybe we can bid each other well and move on. But in all those 3 times, he managed to reel me back in with promises, better behaviour, but then the same issues resurface later. In fact, we had last left things with oh we really care about each other and he was going to give me his 100% blah blah.In the past, that would have been really touching, but I know better now to look at actions and not just words. So yes he's been trying, but I don't really want him to try so much. Like - I'm not disagreeing with you guys - he shouldn't have to change. If "changing" is THAT hard for him, then we are not a good match and I would much rather he recognize that earlier rather than go at it for a long time and cause both of us more hurt. I know it would likely be an actual break, but I mean life goes on right? I'll just have to get back in the game, spend more time with friends etc. No biggie, that is life. When I say break I guess because I've invested emotionally so much - texting 2 hours a day on most days for 2 months does that to you. We've talked about really deep topics etc and I've shared very personal things with him and vice versa. So in the end, it would be nice to meet up once more for some closure if he would still like that (of course no point in doing that if he's not interested, no biggie) and I don't think it'll be a nasty break up. I guess will see how things go. I don't have grand expectations, he was the one who asked me to go out of the country with him to meet all his closest friends. I personally think that's very soon so I got confused that we were something more. If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have had so many assumptions. Also I am not the only one bringing up finances - he in fact told me the exact amount of money he makes per month. I make more which is why I didn't tell him (because it' mean) but honestly if it was me, I wouldn't give actual numbers to someone this early on. I can give very broad ranges but not like exact specific number ranges.
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 (edited) In fact, we had last left things with oh we really care about each other and he was going to give me his 100% blah blah. In the past, that would have been really touching, but I know better now to look at actions and not just words. So yes he's been trying, but I don't really want him to try so much. If "changing" is THAT hard for him, then we are not a good match and I would much rather he recognize that earlier rather than go at it for a long time and cause both of us more hurt. When I say break I guess because I've invested emotionally so much - texting 2 hours a day on most days for 2 months does that to you. We've talked about really deep topics etc and I've shared very personal things with him and vice versa. I don't have grand expectations, he was the one who asked me to go out of the country with him to meet all his closest friends. I personally think that's very soon so I got confused that we were something more. If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have had so many assumptions. With all due respect, are you sure you don't have grand expectations? You want him to change, and you want to know right now if he can change to meet your expectations... You want him to give you his 100%, but then again, you don't want him to try so much... These are your words, my friend. Do you see how they seem to contradict each other? You don't sound very clear in what you want from a man/relationship. And, to be very honest... Forgive me, you sound like a lot of work. The poor guy probably doesn't know what to do... You sound scared. That's ok - everybody is scared and unsure in a new relationship. Relationships are always a risk. We just try to make good decisions and manage the risk as best we can. That's all you can do. You've invested too much too quickly in this relationship. Time to take a step back, reevaluate what you've learned and what you want from your next relationship. And next time, slow it down and don't forget to have a little fun... Remember, dating should be fun! Edited June 12, 2018 by BaileyB 1
Versacehottie Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 This is the danger of "investing" too much and keeping your mind mainly on the end result....you are failing to see red flags and incompatibility issues and your own readiness. Red flags doesn't mean this guy isn't great/perfect but maybe for someone else, maybe for another time. Agreed that you sound like a lot of work (sorry!) I think people that talk so much without actually spending real time and dates together like you guys have done (either very much or at all in some cases)---either one or both people often feel an unwritten commitment/promises because that's what people often do with so much talking in advance. You build a fantasy relationship and live in the future you want--without ever really having much of chance to measure that up to or get to know this person on a real life unfolding level. Staying in this because you spent 2 hours a day texting/talking with him is a bad reason to stay in this. It's only two months, cut your losses and find someone who suits you better. And definitely, not so much talking beforehand next time (i know your reasons, begin out of town etc but every action a person does will have a reaction on the relationship at hand; in other words if you were not able to meet up for such a long time with each other, keep it light breezy and expectations super low & date others as well. That gives you the best chance when you finally DO meet to take things at face value). 1
TheFinalWord Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 I always want to cut him loose, then I look at the other options on online dating and go yikes - this is what is left over now? Then I feel "maybe he isn't SO bad". But then I keep getting frustrated at all these issues. He is looking for his own place. He's much older than me but doesn't have it together. So that's extremely unattractive. Well he told me on my last date his mom drove him to the subway (again, like even if that happens could you please not say it out loud - so unattractive) and was saying "Oh I thought you wanted to stay home today". I don't know - seems unattractive that she's so into his business. I really don't want a man child. Sounds like he's a back burner guy. You don't want to be lonely so you are using this guy as an emotional crutch. How is that fair to him? You're leading him on and as soon as something better comes along you're going to kick him to the curb. You don't know what you want, and he's still pulling on his mommy's skirt.
stillafool Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 Well those are so nice things about this guy! Figuring out the deal breakers is more on you though--IMO, you are really focused on trying to figure out where this will end up rather than being the now. If he was more of the right guy for you and you were ready, you would be more excited about the now IMO. it sounds like you are a planner to the max, i think you need to be careful not to drive people away with that behavior. It's really soon (i think i saw that you have only been out twice over two months) to have grand expectations. FWIW, i think if communication is tapering off, you needn't say anything. Of course, if he asks, you should explain where your head is at. I also wouldn't expect to be able to resurrect anything from such a short, brief, not really close relationship (yet), a break is just as likely to be a breakup forever. Don't let that scare you. All of what you keep saying reads like you are not ready and/or this is not the right person for you. If he is the right person and the timing works out, you can contact him when you are in a better place if he is still on your mind (hopefully he will still be single). I think you need more personal clarity. If you are more stable and secure inside, you would have a better read on whether or not he is right for you. Good luck This^^^^^and I wouldn't be surprised if red flags aren't flying around this guy's head as well. 1
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 13, 2018 Author Posted June 13, 2018 Thanks for the input. Anyways there are some details I'm not including as well for confidentiality. But ANYWAYS, we are trying to work out things right now and see how things go in the next while. Yes you should have fun with someone you're with. But at the same time, at different stages of our lives, we have different needs. And I know I can have a lot of "fun" with certain people, but I'm ultimately looking for a husband. We can't have it all, and those other factors are more important to me than just someone who's "fun". Everything is a balance. I know what I want, but I also know I can't have it all. It's a balance with something you know you can live with. I spent an entire year being stuck in something that ultimately gave me a lot of pain before, I won't make the same mistake again. And he's still around - so he's obviously has something in it going for him. I believe in being reasonable, but I'm not going to lower my expectations just to appease to be like the "general public". I don't want to be - if I was the general public, I wouldn't be where I am in life today. People don't achieve great things by being "easygoing" about every little thing. And if that means I'll be single a bit longer, that's okay. I'm fed up with people in the past telling me I must play the role of the demure happy go lucky girl. I'm not. I have expectations and that's how I achieved success and done things in life that other people have not. Some men want a housewife who will be at their beck and call, and that's fine. But if they want a challenge, then it doesn't come without a price either. Just like if I go for successful men, it also comes with a price.
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