fieldoflavender Posted May 29, 2018 Posted May 29, 2018 I'm kind of dating this new guy. We're not exclusive yet - well we are still on dating apps, but I'm not seeing anyone else (mixture of no one else right, too busy, etc). Not sure if he's seeing other people either. Nothing too physical yet - not even a kiss which annoyed me. It's already date 3. I had a lot of terrible issues in my last break-up which was 1 year ago exactly. Lots of issues but mostly surrounding finances, trust, and him being a momma's boy and having separation issues with his family. His family essentially broke up with me for him because he was too much of a wuss to do it. I know I shouldn't project but am I just better at reading signs now? I really don't want to rewrite history again. He keeps mentioning his mother - he's living at home for now temporarily so maybe he just sees her a lot? I like guys who respect their mothers and love them - but honestly I really don't need another Momma's boy. But don't guys know it's unattractive to mention your mother all the time? And she seems a bit controlling based on what he told me. And finances - I know it's way too early, but he's the one who actually brings up finances and stuff. I have certain doubts and don't want him giving a lot of money to his family (without a good reason - if they need it, fine, but I want relatively separate finances just because of the issues I've had in the past). So before his family would pay for EVERYTHING and then want to control me. Now it's opposite - seems like his family just wants all his money or he wants to hide it there I don't know. Is it too early to think about this stuff? But I don't want to get emotionally invested if there's no point - if I don't see any future. I got too emotionally last time and I got SO HURT. I still have a lot of emotional scars so I would rather not get hurt again. Sigh. Maybe I should just stay single. If I feel uncertain, maybe I don't care for him as much?
JohnM Posted May 29, 2018 Posted May 29, 2018 Just as an initial question, do you actually like the guy that much? Sounds like you aren't really that interested. Can be easy to look at the side issues as a reason to not pursue it when in fact you just aren't that in to him. Hard to lose these prior issues, you have concentrated on them for a reason. If you want to see how their interactions really are then maybe you should meet her. Only way to see. He lives with her, that generally leads to discussing that person a fair bit at any rate. On finances, you cannot really control how he uses his money. You could just keep your own to yourself and have a plan in place for years down the line when you could perhaps have a joint account but have your own personal money etc. 1
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 29, 2018 Author Posted May 29, 2018 I do like him, I think part of it is he's perhaps not my usual type but there are things about him that I do like (which is why I'm still around). That part may be mutual too. I know I can't control, but I feel like that's the mistake last time. I didn't talk about finances because it was too touchy until it was too late and I was engaged and realized he lied to me about a bunch of things or I never bothered to ask and it was something I was NOT okay with. So maybe I'm just getting too sensitive with it? I'm at a age where I would like to get married within 1-2 years. So it would be "our money" at some point.
JohnM Posted May 29, 2018 Posted May 29, 2018 People typically have a type for a reason, it depends what the drawbacks are. Just be careful you aren't with him because of being someone you like that could realistically just be a friend to. I think finances are an important subject, so why not just discuss it openly. What would your ideal scenario be for the finances? You can take it to all sorts of levels, you could even have some sort of prenup. If he told you tomorrow that things weren't working out and he feels a better connection with someone else he has seen, how would you feel? Should give you an idea at a basic level on your feelings.
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 30, 2018 Author Posted May 30, 2018 Well we're not exclusive yet. But yeah I hate guys who can't separate their finances from their family. And I don't want our future family income going all to his family. I find it messy. Like if someone was sick or something. Otherwise why? I would feel bad, but I think it's just because we've been talking 1-2 hours a night on most nights of the week for a month. You grow attachment? But I guess I should keep looking.
Gaeta Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 If you don't want a momma's boy then don't go fish in the same pound you found your ex. Don't pick men that still live at home and are in some kind of power struggle with their mother. You should not date men living at moms under any circumstances. At a certaim age you have to be able to fetch for yourself under any circumstances. I'd date a man living under a bridge before l date one back living at moms. 1
lurker74 Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 Mark Twain once said something like, Be careful not to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it, lest you be like the cat that sits on the hot stove. She will not sit on a hot stove again but neither will she sit on a cool one. You can look up the exact quote but the point is this: your new man (whenever you find him) shouldn't have to carry water for your ex. You issues with your ex are yours, not his. Perhaps he is a momma's boy....pay attention when you see him. Does he talk about his mom like she's always right or like he respects her? Does his living at home reflect frugality and a lack of need to show off or is he scared? Essentially, let him be a separate person from your ex...pay attention and learn not to sit on another hot stove but don't write off all stoves all together. 2
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 30, 2018 Author Posted May 30, 2018 Well I also find it weird that he never mentions his dad. But then again my ex was just too non-detached from his entire family and they had this weird dependent relationship with each other. They took random vacations together one on one. I guess at the end of the day, it comes down to how much I think I want to tolerate and how much better it would be than just being alone forever. Pros and cons and both options suck. The better thing would be a person who is a better fit -but I'm realistic.
Gaeta Posted May 30, 2018 Posted May 30, 2018 I guess at the end of the day, it comes down to how much I think I want to tolerate and how much better it would be than just being alone forever. Pros and cons and both options suck. The better thing would be a person who is a better fit -but I'm realistic. There is always someone better waiting for us. There is no such a thing as keeping someone just cause we don't want to be alone. I hope you expect better from life. At the end of the day it's how much you care about yourself and if you are ready to put in the efforts to find a good match for yourself. 2
preraph Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Maybe his parents are simply making him pay his part since he should be out in his own place. The controlling part, though you didn't illustrate it with an example, is always a big red flag and often means abuse.
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 I always want to cut him loose, then I look at the other options on online dating and go yikes - this is what is left over now? Then I feel "maybe he isn't SO bad". But then I keep getting frustrated at all these issues. He is looking for his own place. He's much older than me but doesn't have it together. So that's extremely unattractive. Well he told me on my last date his mom drove him to the subway (again, like even if that happens could you please not say it out loud - so unattractive) and was saying "Oh I thought you wanted to stay home today". I don't know - seems unattractive that she's so into his business. I really don't want a man child. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 I always want to cut him loose, then I look at the other options on online dating and go yikes - this is what is left over now? Then I feel "maybe he isn't SO bad". But then I keep getting frustrated at all these issues. He is looking for his own place. He's much older than me but doesn't have it together. So that's extremely unattractive. Well he told me on my last date his mom drove him to the subway (again, like even if that happens could you please not say it out loud - so unattractive) and was saying "Oh I thought you wanted to stay home today". I don't know - seems unattractive that she's so into his business. I really don't want a man child. Omg, run. Fast.
Author fieldoflavender Posted May 31, 2018 Author Posted May 31, 2018 I know I know. Is it worse in that he actually makes quite a lot of money? And is still doing this? That's bad right? I mean it's one thing if you really are in a bad place financially - but if you're making a lot and CHOOSING to do this, it's an issue right?
mortensorchid Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 Each and every person you are with is different because they are bringing different things to the table. Fact. If you sense this is a repeat pattern with you, you may be able to change it. And you can change it by not going for the same "type" over and over again. Try it with someone who is completely against the grain of who you have been with before. You might learn things about yourself in that, and so will the other person. Life is about happiness ultimately. Sometimes we have to make choices that will affect our happiness in the long / short term, and we must recognize them for what they are.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 31, 2018 Posted May 31, 2018 The fact that you are in your head and debating all this so early ... is a bad sign. Look I've been to therapy so this isn't an insult, but clearly you have an attraction to Mama's boys ... Seriously, consider going to therapy to deal with that ... I had a similar attraction to super sweet-seeming women ... I confused sweet with kind ... sweet with real ... let to a lot of disasters. Run yesterday.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 1, 2018 Author Posted June 1, 2018 I'm actually attracted to the opposite - aggressive cocky guys, but that hasn't served me well in the past either. Unfortunately the happy medium guys are already all taken.
Gaeta Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I'm actually attracted to the opposite - aggressive cocky guys, but that hasn't served me well in the past either. That's what we do when we're not serious or ready to invest in someone. Unfortunately the happy medium guys are already all taken. And this is the excuse you give yourself to continue dating cocky guys.
stillafool Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 I always want to cut him loose, then I look at the other options on online dating and go yikes - this is what is left over now? Then I feel "maybe he isn't SO bad". But then I keep getting frustrated at all these issues. He is looking for his own place. He's much older than me but doesn't have it together. So that's extremely unattractive. Well he told me on my last date his mom drove him to the subway (again, like even if that happens could you please not say it out loud - so unattractive) and was saying "Oh I thought you wanted to stay home today". I don't know - seems unattractive that she's so into his business. I really don't want a man child. It sounds like you are ready to settle just to have someone. Don't do it. You know what you want in a man so just stay single until you find him. 1
JeanGray Posted June 1, 2018 Posted June 1, 2018 Try limiting talking to guys who only have certain income brackets you want. So, say he makes under 25k, it's a no for you. And if he doesn't own/rent his own place, then don't bother with a date either.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 4, 2018 Author Posted June 4, 2018 I believe in a level of realism. I'm not getting any younger, and if I want the income bracket that I make - it's like less than 5% of the population or even less. This guy falls into that. But for some reason, his finances seem a bit weird right now. Yes I like aggressive confident cocky guys who make as much as I do, are handsome, and nice, and not cheaters. And not 50 years old divorced with kids. Except those people don't exist unmarried. or if they do they don't like me back. I can't have it all. I'm just struggling to see what I am okay with.
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 So there’s another issue I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable about. I have a crazy work schedule and so does he. I hate not having dates or plans at least 1-2 weeks ahead of time. I think he’s more spontaneous. I’ve had not one but 3 talks about how I would like more planning to make me feel like he values our time more. But he’s still doing the asking me a few days before the day thing. Like is he just simply less invested or maybe he doesn’t like planning ahead like most guys? Maybe instead of being upset when I have these conversations and telling him I think he doesn’t value seeing me - should I simply tell him it’s just important that i get at least a week or two notice and see what he says? I don’t get why if it’s impprtant to me he has not yet changed. Maybe we are just incompatible ?
Logo Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Well I also find it weird that he never mentions his dad. But then again my ex was just too non-detached from his entire family and they had this weird dependent relationship with each other. They took random vacations together one on one. I guess at the end of the day, it comes down to how much I think I want to tolerate and how much better it would be than just being alone forever. Pros and cons and both options suck. The better thing would be a person who is a better fit -but I'm realistic. How's your relationship with your mother?
Logo Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 So there’s another issue I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable about. I have a crazy work schedule and so does he. I hate not having dates or plans at least 1-2 weeks ahead of time. I think he’s more spontaneous. I’ve had not one but 3 talks about how I would like more planning to make me feel like he values our time more. But he’s still doing the asking me a few days before the day thing. Maybe we are just incompatible ? I don't know about 'most' men, but I don't like to make a big production out of planning dates as though they were vacations, no matter how busy I am. It becomes more boring and less exciting like that -- when a person plans e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g -- unless you're going on a weekend getaway or something similar. You've been dating for a while and you still want to plan dates 2 weeks ahead? What will happen when the relationship gets more serious and you move in together? Are you going to pencil each other in your calendars for a seat around the dinner table 3 weeks in advance? It's quite possible you two are not compatible in the long run. PS - What's the appeal with cocky guys? What's the turn on? Do you see that as some form of "confidence"? 1
Author fieldoflavender Posted June 11, 2018 Author Posted June 11, 2018 My relationship with my mother is okay - we're quite close but I need my space. But my beef with guys is that it's very unattractive and non-masculine. I have no issues if they want to take care of her, respect her, etc. But to like go and tattle to her makes me think of some little boy who is crying mommy. It's just a turn off. And yeah the cocky thing is just about sex appeal and confidence. But of course it's not the be all end all. I get what you're saying Logo - I think it's like we're in the stage of the relationship where I would need to feel like he's trying to indicate clearly he WANTS to see me. And by just randomly asking me a few days before, it seems like there's not a lot of effort and he doesn't care. It's like - oh I'll just check and see - if she's busy, whatever. If you actually want to see someone, you would want to book them earlier rather than just "happen to see". I have my other life and friends - if I'm not seeing him on the weekend, I am doing stuff with other people. I am not going to like stop my life in anticipation. We're not at that stage yet which is why the planning is more important. Of course if we're going steady, then it can be more spontaneous. But we're not.
Logo Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 It sounds like the relationship is still in its early stages. How is he when you’re not together? Calls? Texts? I won’t necessarily attribute the spontaneity to lack of respect or interest. You’re dating a cocky guy and you’re surprised that after 3 conversations about the same issue, he persists with the same behavior. He doesn’t want to be told what to do or how to do it. Perhaps his behavior comes with the territory. Is it possible you can’t have it both ways?
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