Had a minor run in with ex. Feel totally knocked down

[Jasonntot]

I was essentially dumped by a girl a year and a half ago. We had been dating for months and then one day I asked if she wanted to be in a relationship. She said no, and not in a kind way.

 

Bad call to ask in the first place on my part. It came during our first real moment of friction and I guess I sensed her pulling away, so I got desperate and went for it. Never a good idea.

 

Anyway, it was this combination of making myself vulnerable by asking and then being rejected unexpectedly harshly that made this breakup particularly bad for me I think. I mean I have had other bad breakups before and after this one, but I feel I've pretty much let them go.

 

Here I was caught off guard and had no responses to the criticisms she made about me or my family members (who she had never met). I ended up playing it off cool, without showing any signs of pain, and actually even apologizing for some of the things she said about me. Then we left things alone, she having expressed everything she wanted, and me absorbing the blows and burying all my own issues. I felt humiliated in the aftermath.

 

I went total no contact immediately, and memories of the experience turned into poison for me. I just had no notion of how bad it would make me feel. Left this awful scar. I've had endless thought loops of what I should have said during that breakup, questioning how could she say some of the things she did, headaches, dizziness, trouble sleeping, depression, you name it. It's put a damper on all my joyful experiences and added extra weight to my bad ones. At times I just feel completely invalidated, even though I don't even want her anymore.

 

I did a lot to try to cope over the past year and a half. Talked to my therapist, meditated, made serious attempts to forgive her, to forgive myself, to let go. Ive dated other people, pursued passions, focused on my job, grown closer with my family, spent time with friends, traveled, worked out. At best this has had a marginal impact on my ability to move on, but there was progress.

 

Until last night. I was out with friends at an event, and as I was walking up the steps to enter the space I caught sight of her near the top. I just turned around and left, hoping she didn't see me. It certainly wasn't what I had envisioned would happen if we ever bumped into each other, but a feeling came over me of total discomfort. It felt horrible just to be in the same vicinity with her, and just walked away like I needed to get air.

 

I left and thought I had gotten away without her noticing, but at like 2am I get a text from her with the basic message, "nice to know you're alive, hope you're doing well." Again I responded pleasantly. But since then I feel like I've been dying inside. It feels almost like all this hard work has gone down the drain. Like by turning around and leaving the event I inadvertently revealed to her that I was still hurt, after a year and a half, twice the time we'd even been dating. That yet again the narrative of everything that follows our relationship will have me looking foolish and floundering, and her looking mature and controlled.

 

I supposed I'm just venting here, but I don't know what to do at this point. I really wish I could find a way to alleviate this burden. It's been rough.

Edited May 29, 2018 by Jasonntot

[Zapbasket]

Cut yourself a break. What you did was dignified and justified. You saw her, felt uncomfortable, and opted to exit the situation. Good for you for listening to your instincts and respecting your feelings!

 

There's no way around it: encounters with exes are awkward. Sometimes awkward encounters are useful for putting old feelings to rest, or just being sociable. But often in the case of exes, it just stirs things up and there's nothing wrong with acting on the impulse of, "I'd rather not."

 

The only thing I think you did wrong was to respond to her text. That wasn't big of her, texting you--and at 2 a.m.??!! If she cared, you'd have heard from her before now; she was just miffed that you snubbed her. Block her number and continue moving forward in your life.

[c.a.f.]

Yea dude I agree with GreenCove, that was a nice move. If I was you and saw my ex at a party, I know I would mess up the ensuing convo and say something weak I'll regret later, so doing a complete 180 at first sight would be my first choice too. Plus it's stone cold, like you're the boss. Only bit weak part was texting her back. If you gonna shun her in person you gotta be consistent.

[preraph]

The best thing there would have been to not respond at all. I don't think her calling you out on leaving was coming from a warm spot in her heart, but rather she was tweaked by it and wanted you to know she noticed. I mean, if someone turned on their heel to avoid you, would you then write them an email?

[Marc878]

Sounds like she's not a nice person. You should have her blocked and never respond.

 

You're young but you'll learn.

 

You didn't lose a thing but you still have to realize that.

 

Time & NC