Am I being petty?

[Butterflying]

Recently I posted a question about my BF politely suggesting I learn how to kiss. I willingly suggested he teach me. When it came down to it, he admitted I didn't need a lesson at all. Rather, he preferred not to kiss passionately unless it would lead to sex. Otherwise, we stick to simple pecks here and there.

 

Now that we've overcome that hurdle, I've noticed other things about his personality that concern me. For instance, when we have a conversation, he likes to talk "at" me rather than to me. He will start expressing a point and I will shake or nod my head, depending on rather I agree or understand the point he's making. Sometimes I might say "Yes I know" when I see where he's going. That frustrates him.

 

If I make any sounds while he's speaking, even if it's a low "hmmm" to show that I'm thinking: he will say, "Can I finish?" This implies that I am interrupting him. Even though I have no intention of saying anything further. This leads to an argument about me interrupting him. That leads to him walking away from the conversation insisting that I don't know how to listen. He does this even when we're having playful conversations.

 

My BF prefers complete silence when he's speaking, no matter what. Nobody speaks until he stops. Is this the way a conversation is supposed to work? He's also very long winded, usually making five or different six points during the same speech. With this in mind, I try to comment on one point before he moves on to the next one. Otherwise, I get totally lost in conversations with him, feeling like I need to take notes on what he's saying in order to keep up. During the speech he asks a lot of rhetorical questions. But the listener has no way to know that it's rhetorical because he pauses after each question as though he's waiting for you to answer. And when you start to answer he says, "Can I finish?"

 

Does he need a lesson in interactive conversation? Or do I need a lesson on being lectured?

 

I'm afraid that long term, our communication styles will create a conflict in our relationship. Lately we get along by not speaking to each other at all unless it's practical stuff like what we're having for dinner.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Butterflying

[FMW]

My ex-husband was the same. He had to "have the podium" and expected complete silence until he was finished with whatever it was he was talking about. He criticized me frequently for "interrupting" him and would then just shut down and not talk at all. Normal back and forth conversation was largely impossible with him.

 

Note that I said my "ex". Obviously there were other issues in our marriage, but communication problems probably were at the center of most of them.

 

I'm sorry, I don't have any helpful ideas on how to improve things. What you posted just triggers a huge red flag for me.

[losangelena]

Your BF sounds exhausting. He needs a lesson in interactive conversation.

 

I can understand not wanting to be interrupted. My roommate will sometimes finish my sentences when I'm trying to make a point, that I find that irritating, but I'm not the conversation police, and if people want to vocalize while I'm talking, who am I to tell them not to?

 

I don't think you're being petty at all. Your man sounds high-maintenance to me. Also, what is this about no passionate kissing unless it leads to sex? WTF? Sounds like everything has to be by his rules, no exceptions. Why you wanna be with someone like that?

[HiCrunchy]

So my dad is like that and I have come to the conclusion that i can't have a real conversation with him. When he talks to mom and she (or anyone else) and she doesnt agree with his point "shes an idiot" and it's an argument. The only way to talk with him is toa agree and nod. You dont even have to talk at all. He can talk and talk and talk at u for hours and u dont even have to say a thing. And most of all I get the whole "talking at u, rather than a conversation". Almost like they are trying to educate you all the time.

 

If ur bf is like that I do think it will cause trouble down the line

Edited May 28, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[act00]

He definitely needs some lessons on social skills. Have you noticed in life that those who are socially inept will ramble on and on...and on...without noticing that people's eyes glaze over and they itch to find an excuse to escape?

 

You're not being insensitive. Normal conversation includes banter back and forth. There can be some interrupting. The conversation may shift. A simple "mm-hmm" in response, as an "I'm listening," should not derail him...it's kind of a social standard.

 

He likes to hear his own voice. He likes to be smarter. He wants to be heard and wants to make sure he's heard, at length, for gawd knows how long. You as his GF have gone beyond the point of being reasonably polite, because this guy needs some social guidance...maybe you should be saying, no, you can't finish if this is a lecture and we can't have a discussion.

 

I feel bad for his poor captive audience trying to be polite, and trying to escape, excusing themselves to the bathroom or the emergency phone call or mouthing to a friend, "help me" when they're trapped when he gets on a bend. Does he devalue other people with "can I finish," or is it just you?

 

I think your boyfriend needs to learn the "art of conversation." Conversation is not a defined lecture or lines on a script. It flows, and it can change from one main topic to another...it's not one-sided, and it's not a lecture. We try our best to not interrupt and listen, and sometimes people cut in with their own thoughts...it is what it is, but I'm guessing with him, people are more apt to interrupt lest he get on a diatribe that won't end.

 

It's rather dismissive and disrespectful to lecture you and then spout "can I finish," and I might be inclined to whip out a notebook and a pen and start taking notes, just to piss him off with his attitude.

 

You are not overreacting and you are not being petty. He's being dismissive and rude.

[Gaeta]

Wow, it sounds painful to date this guy. He's taking the fun out of everything. I can only imagine what his colleagues think about him.

 

 

 

There is nothing wrong with you, you're simply with the wrong man. He sounds full of himself. It would not be difficult to find someone nicer.

[Romantic_Antics]

He definitely needs some lessons on social skills. Have you noticed in life that those who are socially inept will ramble on and on...and on...without noticing that people's eyes glaze over and they itch to find an excuse to escape?

 

You're not being insensitive. Normal conversation includes banter back and forth. There can be some interrupting. The conversation may shift. A simple "mm-hmm" in response, as an "I'm listening," should not derail him...it's kind of a social standard.

 

He likes to hear his own voice. He likes to be smarter. He wants to be heard and wants to make sure he's heard, at length, for gawd knows how long. You as his GF have gone beyond the point of being reasonably polite, because this guy needs some social guidance...maybe you should be saying, no, you can't finish if this is a lecture and we can't have a discussion.

 

I feel bad for his poor captive audience trying to be polite, and trying to escape, excusing themselves to the bathroom or the emergency phone call or mouthing to a friend, "help me" when they're trapped when he gets on a bend. Does he devalue other people with "can I finish," or is it just you?

 

I think your boyfriend needs to learn the "art of conversation." Conversation is not a defined lecture or lines on a script. It flows, and it can change from one main topic to another...it's not one-sided, and it's not a lecture. We try our best to not interrupt and listen, and sometimes people cut in with their own thoughts...it is what it is, but I'm guessing with him, people are more apt to interrupt lest he get on a diatribe that won't end.

 

It's rather dismissive and disrespectful to lecture you and then spout "can I finish," and I might be inclined to whip out a notebook and a pen and start taking notes, just to piss him off with his attitude.

 

You are not overreacting and you are not being petty. He's being dismissive and rude.

 

You nailed it although I'd like to add that he's being very self-centered and controlling, from not wanting to share a passionate kiss unless it leads to sex to the way he controls a conversation to the point that it's no longer a conversation. It's a monologue.

 

If you can't even talk to him about it to let him know that it bothers you and you're already at a point where it takes not talking to each other at all to get along then it might be time to consider dumping this guy. He sounds controlling with the potential to be abusive.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Romantic_Antics

[act00]

You nailed it although I'd like to add that he's being very self-centered, from not wanting to share a passionate kiss to the way he controls a conversation to the point that it's no longer a conversation. It's a monologue.

 

If you can't even talk to him about it to let him know that it bothers you and you're already at a point where it takes not talking to each other at all to get along then it might be time to consider dumping this guy. He sounds controlling with the potential to be abusive.

 

I totally forgot about the kissing part, and as someone who tends to be highly affectionate and tactile, being closed off from both normal conversation and banter...must be lectured and taught and "schooled"...and being closed off from kissing (surely other forms of affection) would be the end.

 

Amy and Sheldon are funny on TV...reality is different.

[Ruby Slippers]

He sounds like a control freak. This is who he is. He may mellow out in time, but that tends to take a long time, and it's not certain, so don't count on it.

 

I've learned that you can accept and love a man as he is, or let him go and move on. Nobody's perfect, and it's up to you to decide if his good qualities outweigh the bad.

 

I've been feeling some regrets lately about one particular guy I let go in the past, someone who was a great catch and who I really loved, but who was quite controlling, stern, uptight with a strong grip on everything.

 

I don't think it's so simple as: he's not perfect, so cut and run.

[Butterflying]

Thanks. You have all given me something to think about. As for his colleagues, we work for the same company, but in different departments and cities. That's how we initially met. His reputation is that of a kind, gentle, and quiet man. These are things that initially attracted me to him. We conversed more than he did with anyone else. It made me feel special. Other guys flirt, gossip, and treat me like a conquest. My BF treated me like a person, someone he enjoyed talking to. The whole "Can I finish" stuff didn't start until we began dating. Since it's still new, I'm questioning rather it's worthwhile for me to continue with this guy. He's everything I want and need in every other way. Nobody's perfect.

 

I guess I'm trying to decide what's worth it. Can I accept a man who is controlling, self-righteous, and anti-social if he's also honest, reliable, supportive of my goals and gives me peace of mind?

 

It bothers me to be totally submissive to anyone. So much that lose my voice.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Butterflying

[Romantic_Antics]

Can I accept a man who is controlling, self-righteous, and anti-social if he's also honest, reliable, supportive of my goals and gives me peace of mind?

 

It sounds more like he's giving you a piece of his mind than peace of mind.

 

I vote no.

[Gaeta]

I guess I'm trying to decide what's worth it. Can I accept a man who is controlling, self-righteous, and anti-social if he's also honest, reliable, supportive of my goals and gives me peace of mind?

 

It bothers me to be totally submissive to anyone. So much that lose my voice.

 

 

That's called settling. You can meet an honest,reliable, supportive man and he's kind, considerate and selfless. You don't have to endure ugly character traits like he has just cause he's honest and reliable, most men out there are honest and reliable.

[Ruby Slippers]

My BF treated me like a person, someone he enjoyed talking to.

 

He's everything I want and need in every other way. Nobody's perfect.

 

I guess I'm trying to decide what's worth it. Can I accept a man who is controlling, self-righteous, and anti-social if he's also honest, reliable, supportive of my goals and gives me peace of mind?

 

It bothers me to be totally submissive to anyone. So much that lose my voice.

I totally feel you! All this describes my ex-boyfriend and our dynamic as well. His negative qualities were slightly different - he wasn't anti-social or self-righteous, but could be arrogant and vain. Sometimes he really bugged the crap out of me with his attitude.

 

Looking back, I wish I'd been more patient and given it more time. When his darker side came out, I'd get heated and emotional and run away. In hindsight, it seems so dramatic, but I can see I was just trying to protect my sensitive feelings, which is legitimate.

 

What had the best effect on our dynamic when I felt he was being domineering is to playfully challenge him with a light attitude. If I could assert the superior argument, he'd think about it, crack a grin, and then get fun, mellow, and sweet again. Sometimes it's annoying to have to spar like this - but again, nobody's perfect.

[Purrrfect]

You are not being petty. Your BF has some interesting “ Quirks”.

 

His kissing thing is a little odd. It doesn’t mean you are a bad kisser though. He may be the bad kisser who knows.

 

It does sound exhausting dating him. The sex would have to be off the charts for me to stay with him.

 

 

Thanks. You have all given me something to think about. As for his colleagues, we work for the same company, but in different departments and cities. That's how we initially met. His reputation is that of a kind, gentle, and quiet man. These are things that initially attracted me to him. We conversed more than he did with anyone else. It made me feel special. Other guys flirt, gossip, and treat me like a conquest. My BF treated me like a person, someone he enjoyed talking to. The whole "Can I finish" stuff didn't start until we began dating. Since it's still new, I'm questioning rather it's worthwhile for me to continue with this guy. He's everything I want and need in every other way. Nobody's perfect.

 

I guess I'm trying to decide what's worth it. Can I accept a man who is controlling, self-righteous, and anti-social if he's also honest, reliable, supportive of my goals and gives me peace of mind?

 

It bothers me to be totally submissive to anyone. So much that lose my voice.

[preraph]

That would get annoying, a one-way speech. He better just become a preacher and get it over with.

[basil67]

Butterflying, does your b/f do the "don't interrupt me" with everyone or is it just you?

 

The reason I ask is that I'm wondering if he doesn't know better....or if he does know better and just puts the bad behaviour on you. And to be honest, if he does this with friends, it would surprise me if he had any friends at all!

[Butterflying]

Butterflying, does your b/f do the "don't interrupt me" with everyone or is it just you?

 

The reason I ask is that I'm wondering if he doesn't know better....or if he does know better and just puts the bad behaviour on you. And to be honest, if he does this with friends, it would surprise me if he had any friends at all!

 

Good question! I've never witnessed him do it to anyone else because he barely communicates with anyone else. When we're out in public and I strike up a conversation with a stranger, just being social, he will excuse himself, giving me space to converse with the person on my own. He's anti-social, he claims it's because most people don't have anything "worthwhile" to say. He's not into sports. He doesn't watch TV. He reads a lot of spiritual and intellectual stuff. Other people describe him as very kind and very mysterious.