Nierlisse Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Well, this is a long story, so please bear with me. I met him about 4.5 years ago. I live in Michigan, he lives in New Orleans, he was dating one of my best friends and she went to visit him for Spring Break and took me with her. They break up because he leaves her for some other girl. I spend the next two years hearing about his new insane girlfriend (from my best friend, who still talked to him) and listened sympathetically as my friend verbally bashed him, as I felt was justified. Anyway, she moves on and gets married. Last summer I studied abroad in Japan and was very homesick and lonely. I saw him online and he starts talking to me out of nowhere, so we start becoming friends. I continue to talk to him online and on the phone when I get back to the States, and back to school here in Michigan. About October I realize that I'm in love with him. We were best friends, we talked all the time and I could honestly tell him everything, which I had never really felt before with anyone. He had broken up with his girlfriend over the summer and was enjoying being single and had told me earlier that he wasn't ready to date anyone yet because he was still recovering. Anyway, I tell him my feelings and he says that he has feelings for me too but still isn't ready to date anyone and that maybe we shouldn't talk for a while. So we decide to give it a week...needless to say, I called him after one day and said I couldn't stand not talking to him for that long and he admits he was glad I called. So we start...well...not dating really, but there were so many things said (I love yous and everything else) and so many feelings there that it was a relationship, without actually being called one. So I went to visit him after Christmas (he paid) and he takes me all around New Orleans and we have a FANTASTIC week together. So I get back home and we're both really sad that I had to leave, and although I know it was wrong of me, I started pressuring him into actually dating me, as in "he is my boyfriend" etc. I didn't feel like I was pressuring him, but he admitted to it later. In February, he actually asks if I want to date him and of course I say yes, after I ask him if it's really what he wants, because by this point I knew I was pressuring him and was very upset with myself for it and didn't want him to do this thing just for me, if it wasn't going to make him happy. He says it's what he wants and then things start to fall apart. The month of February (I was happy the whole time and he was miserable) we started having little spats. Up until this point, we had never gotten into a fight. We disagreed twice, once about guns and again about the election, but it was never a fight, it was an "agree to disagree" kind of deal. So at the end of February, I tell him that we need to stop dating because I can see that it's making him sad, and he agrees. I go to see him for Spring Break (I drove 1200 miles to see him, and then back again) and we have another great week together. After that, tiny fights here and there; we talked a lot on AIM and it's very easy to misunderstand how someone means something on it, so we had a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings. Summer starts, he comes to visit me, I show him around Michigan and he loves it here, so we had another good week. I started working third shift and he worked first, so we didn't have much time to talk to each other. I meet a guy at work who (I thought) was really nice and we kind of hit it off, but I don't think anything of it until the issues with the first guy come up again. I tell him (in June, I think) that I want us to try dating again. I tell him that if we're going to act like boyfriend and girlfriend, then we need to actually BE those things. He didn't see why we needed titles, and I didn't see why he couldn't just give me titles if they weren't a big deal to him. So I basically said "fine, I love you, but I'm not going to wait for you, especially when I don't know if there's anything to wait for". So I'm seeing this other guy at work and occasionally we'd go out for breakfast with another coworker...and then one day I make a terribly stupid mistake and do something with this guy that I still regret. Anyway, right after it happened, I called the first guy and told him everything. I decided that honesty was best, and that even though we weren't dating each other, I felt that he had a right to know. Huge mistake. He completely flipped out and spent the entire rest of the summer bringing it up at random times and telling me that I had hurt him more than anything else ever had. When I first told him about it, I apologized (of course) and I continued to apologize as the weeks went by, but eventually I started to get mad about the way he kept bringing it up. I do realize that I hurt him, but I started to play it off as though it was nothing. I mentioned that he didn't even have a right to know about it, which was true, and that my honesty should have counted for something. Not surprisingly, my attempts to downplay my actions didn't work. So anyway, we had a terrible summer, and toward the end of July I moved into my new apartment and I'm able to talk to him much more. (I think that was one of our problems in the summer, we didn't get to talk as much) Out of the blue, he decides he's finally ready to date me. However, the spats are still happening though, and even though we still told each other that we loved each other (and all the lovey things you do on the phone) I told him that I wanted us to be best friends again first. I still see nothing wrong with that, and he actually agreed to it. Said it was a good idea. The first week in August, he meets this girl on Thursday, goes out with her on Saturday and by Sunday, they are dating. It totally blew me away. After everything we went through together, just when I thought things were getting better, he up and leaves me for this girl. He's my best friend for months, but doesn't want to date me yet because he's scared/hurt/whatever, and he meets this girl he barely knows and decides to date HER. One of his reasons (although they all sound fake) was that he saw what waiting did to our relationship and didn't want to pass this girl up. I could go on for pages about the trashiness of this girl, but I won't. The thing is, he said more than once that he still loves me, and has feelings for me, and that he is still very attracted to me sexually. This is what makes me mad. He has also said that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend, because he needs my support. I, with my lack of willpower and because I love him, can't break contact with him at all. No amount of pleading, reasoning and declarations on my part have done anything to sway him, and I've finally given up. We've had way too many talks about our relationship since then, and I've realized all the things we both did wrong, and why things turned out the way they did, and shared all these thoughts with him. We've mostly settled into being friends (although he says he's insanely happy WAY too many times for it to be true) and I'm starting to feel like I can move on, and slooooooooowly breaking off contact with him. If you made it this far, I commend you, and if you have any thoughts or advice, they would be greatly appreciated.
sundrop Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Ok, quick question, so I can understand.... Are you in Michigan and he in New Orleans Still? This is a long distance relationship?
crazy_grl Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Continue breaking off contact with him and find someone who is willing to commit to you. "Why do we need titles" is what I got from my guy friend who I was 'seeing' for a year. Basically, it means "I still want the benefits of a girlfriend from you, but I want to be free to do whatever I want without feeling any obligation toward you." I gave him a few months to try and come to a decision and then slowly gave up on him. I'm still friends with this guy, but I'd pretty much decided at least a month ago that I don't want to be with him. Too much drama and too much of a pain in the a$$. You don't need to deal with that. Find a guy who knows what he wants.
Author Nierlisse Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 Yes, it's long distance. I was making plans to move down there after I graduate this year; we both knew that we wanted someone physically with us, but we were willing to wait to be together. At least, I thought we were.
Outcast Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 You basically have run this relationship and dragged him along. Stuff like he says that he has feelings for me too but still isn't ready to date anyone and that maybe we shouldn't talk for a while. So we decide to give it a week...needless to say, I called him after one day and said I couldn't stand not talking to him for that long - guy wasn't ready and your entire break was one day. It's been you, you, you all along asking him to be in a relationship and to keep on, etc. He was never that into you, to borrow a phrase. It is now time to move on and wait until you find someone who is at least as interested in a relationship as you are. Hint: if someone keeps breaking up or being unwilling to date, it's because he's not really that interested.
sundrop Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 As hard as it is, I would say try to move on the best you can. """ He has also said that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend, because he needs my support. I, with my lack of willpower and because I love him, can't break contact with him at all. No amount of pleading, reasoning and declarations on my part have done anything to sway him, and I've finally given up. It bothers me to read "he needs my support", it sounds like to me he is trying to keep you on the back burner for him, He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear in order to keep you around as a back up. If he knows how you feel about him and sounds like he does, than he doesn't resect your feeling because he is now/was seeing someone else, while yall were talking. Try to move onto something better. Focus on school right now and do school work in the library to try to stay away from your phones. Sounds like you have been giving 110% and he has been taking 110%.You deserve better.
Author Nierlisse Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 Did you read the whole thing? Because I specifically stated a time when he was willing to date me, but I held it off (and he agreed) because I wanted us to work on being good friends again first, because I believed that would help our future relationship. Also, I could go on and on about all the ways he was "into" me, but no one wants to read that stuff.
Author Nierlisse Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 Thank you, I'm really starting to feel these past few weeks like I was mistreated, and I am trying to break contact but...well, you know its hard.
sundrop Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Thank you, I'm really starting to feel these past few weeks like I was mistreated, and I am trying to break contact but...well, you know its hard. You were mistreated, he didn't respect you. I think he liked the idea of being your friend with benefits, but wasn't really wanting a commited relationship the way you were. Try not to waste to much more time on him, and find someone who wants the same thing as you, and who is a little, so you can appreciate what a relationship is to feel like. My ex boyfriend was my best friend too, for three years and its hard to let that go, But you can make it, I promise.
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