Meg1880 Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 Met a guy on OLD about a month ago. We went for coffee for our first date and I instantly liked him; sparks, chemistry, mutual interests etc. I’m quite laidback when it comes to texting but he set a precedent of regular texting early on (I know I know, not always a good thing!) so I just followed his lead. He suggested the second date and took me for dinner. Kissed at the end of the night. The texts carried on being regular (I’m talking about 10-15 messages each back and forth per day maybe?). I took this to be a good sign and took initiative to ask him out for date number three. We went for drinks, he stayed at mine and we slept together. Technically the next day was date four as we stayed together for a while and went for a walk and a picnic. At the end of the date he said he’d text me about doing something again the following week. Another good sign I thought. And he followed through too; I had a text the next day asking if I wanted to do something on the Sunday (so just over one week ago now) but I already had plans I couldn’t rearrange. He then went out of town on business for a week but mentioned he’d like to do something when he returns (nothing set in stone at this point) which I agreed and said would be lovely. I feel momentum has dropped since he has been away. Texting frequency has reduced which under any other circumstances I’d be happy about but I can’t help but feel this is a bad sign with him. The tone of his texting has gone slightly colder. He is messaging me back but is not asking me any questions which I think is the biggest red flag of all? He got back from his trip late last night. We were texting back and forth but like I said he wasn’t really asking me any questions, so eventually I did the same and replied but didn’t ask him any questions. Strangely he found a way to keep the conversation going despite not asking questions!?? He also sent me some Snapchats which has given me mixed signals? The last text I had from him was last night about his drive back. There were clearly no questions asked to me so I took this as a sign he wanted to end the conversation and didn’t respond. He literally just said something like “ha ha yeah it’s been a nightmare can’t wait to get to sleep”. What the heck do I do now? One part of me is thinking we’ve been on four great dates, he’s initiated most of them, he has (over a week ago, granted) asked to see me this coming week... but then another part of me is thinking why would a guy who is interested in me take longer to respond, be colder and not ask me any questions? Also, my week is filling up socially now but frustratingly he hasn’t nailed me down for a date next week! Is he waiting for me to do this? Should I? Im tempted to wait it out and wait for him to make plans with me but I’m aware this would involve him double texting me as I didn’t respond to his last one? I feel he’s giving me the slow fade but at the same time I don’t want him to be distancing himself because he thinks I’m not interested?
alphamale Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 Also, my week is filling up socially now but frustratingly he hasn’t nailed me down for a date next week! he already "nailed" you
Author Meg1880 Posted May 28, 2018 Author Posted May 28, 2018 he already "nailed" you Yes, I’m aware!
FilterCoffee Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 You’re over thinking this. Wait for a couple of days to see if he makes any plans. If he doesn’t, you suggest something.
Author Meg1880 Posted May 28, 2018 Author Posted May 28, 2018 You’re over thinking this. Wait for a couple of days to see if he makes any plans. If he doesn’t, you suggest something. Okay interesting, thank you Filter! Anyone else got any advice?
losangelena Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 I agree with the above—slow down a little! It's trite to say "don't worry," because you will, but honestly, nothing good comes from such a close watching of every little text message from him. It just gets you wound up. Also, in my experience, if a guy really wants to get with you, a double text is not going to stop him. Not in any way/shape/form. Cool your jets, and just wait to hear from him. Regardless, you don't know yet how this will play out. If he does come around to ask you out, chances are you'll stress out about the next lull in communication, whenever that is. You don't have any control over what he does, or how he feels, so best to get sorted on what your own limits are. For instance, are you willing to put up with some guy who blows hot and cold like this? Are you willing to put so much stock into some guy from OLD who starts in immediately with heavy texting? You admit yourself that it seemed like a red flag, so why give your emotions over so readily? Do you really like him, or do you more like the fact that he seems to like you so much? Really, it's been four dates and sex; that's not a HUGE investment.
act00 Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 First of all, I want to let you know that I can totally relate to how you're feeling right now, and you're seeing a loss in momentum...it's unnerving, and since I have yet to capture anyone long-term, I can't forsee a good outcome, but I do have to say, I think you might be panicking over nothing. You're putting a lot of emphasis on questions...why does he have to ask questions? How is this the litmus test? You're still communicating and he's taking the time. Think about your normal, daily interactions and conversations with friends, coworkers, clients, customers; most of the time it's statements and commentary, not necessarily questions. Notice how conversation flows just the same. It's also normal that this frenzy of constant communication drops off a little. It's hard to adjust, but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Colder texts, short, almost flippant...reason to worry. I guess you just need to see how things play out when you can see each other again. When you can ground yourself with a face-to-face, it might get things back on track, ease your worries, hopefully you're settling into a little more normalcy for communication. I don't like having to maintain conversation all day long, and it seems you're kind of in the same place, so try not to worry too much.
marky00 Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 At the end of the date he said he’d text me about doing something again the following week. Another good sign I thought. And he followed through too; I had a text the next day asking if I wanted to do something on the Sunday (so just over one week ago now) but I already had plans I couldn’t rearrange. He then went out of town on business for a week but mentioned he’d like to do something when he returns (nothing set in stone at this point) which I agreed and said would be lovely. The first few dates are pretty telling. I know you had plans but missing a potential date can be a momentum killer. It can take some people 3 or 4 dates to start feeling a little invested so the break that occurred wasn't ideal. Just leads to over-thinking which ruins things. Him sleeping with you also didn't help. Can't see much happening from here. Getting past the 3rd date is critical for it to advance. 3rd date seems to be the one that always makes or breaks it.
fredflint Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 Okay interesting, thank you Filter! Anyone else got any advice? I also think it's too early to draw any definite conclusions. I also agree with act00 that your emphasis on questions seems a little strange. But I also believe that gut instinct usually says a lot and if you gut tells you something feels a bit off, there could well be. I suggest proceed, but with a little caution. The fact that he cools off a bit with the texting could be a sign that he's not that sure about you. 1
marky00 Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 Also, my week is filling up socially now but frustratingly he hasn’t nailed me down for a date next week! Is he waiting for me to do this? Should I? Im tempted to wait it out and wait for him to make plans with me I get that it's expected the guy will make most of the early running. But in fairness, he asked you out for a Sunday but you couldn't make it. Your now saying your week is filling up such that you might not be able to fit the date in anyway. I realise you like him but in the early dating phase, people can get put off by people who have busy/strict timetables. Yes he's the guy but he doesn't want to look foolish either. It probably is that he's just not as interested as you are but I think if you are serious about dating people to find someone, you might want to find a way to be more flexible with your plans/commitments. 1
smackie9 Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. If he's not that excited to see you again, he ain't that into you. No one is TOOOOOO busy when they are really interested. A guy doesn't slow down, when he knows someone else will scoop you up. this guy is lukewarm.....time to jump ship and float with someone else. 1
greymatter Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 I think you should sit back and see if any more dates happen. I wouldn't try to get to know him through texts, there needs to be a number of dates first in order for it to be something that can grow, and texting isn't a substitute for time spent together. You are putting all kinds of pressure and weight on the texts rather than waiting to see if things move forward with dates. You had to turn down a date and he was out of town and now is back and busy. See if he gets in contact re: another date. Keep dating others if you wish so you are not so focused on him, but regardless, seems like sitting back and letting him get in touch would be a very good idea so you are not doing the pursuing.
Author Meg1880 Posted May 28, 2018 Author Posted May 28, 2018 (edited) I agree with the above—slow down a little! It's trite to say "don't worry," because you will, but honestly, nothing good comes from such a close watching of every little text message from him. It just gets you wound up. Also, in my experience, if a guy really wants to get with you, a double text is not going to stop him. Not in any way/shape/form. Cool your jets, and just wait to hear from him. Regardless, you don't know yet how this will play out. If he does come around to ask you out, chances are you'll stress out about the next lull in communication, whenever that is. You don't have any control over what he does, or how he feels, so best to get sorted on what your own limits are. For instance, are you willing to put up with some guy who blows hot and cold like this? Are you willing to put so much stock into some guy from OLD who starts in immediately with heavy texting? You admit yourself that it seemed like a red flag, so why give your emotions over so readily? Do you really like him, or do you more like the fact that he seems to like you so much? Really, it's been four dates and sex; that's not a HUGE investment. Thanks angelena, lots of food for thought there, especially your last question! Also I think you're right about the double texting thing. It wouldn't put me off doing it if the shoe was on the other foot and I really liked the other person. First of all, I want to let you know that I can totally relate to how you're feeling right now, and you're seeing a loss in momentum...it's unnerving, and since I have yet to capture anyone long-term, I can't forsee a good outcome, but I do have to say, I think you might be panicking over nothing. You're putting a lot of emphasis on questions...why does he have to ask questions? How is this the litmus test? You're still communicating and he's taking the time. Think about your normal, daily interactions and conversations with friends, coworkers, clients, customers; most of the time it's statements and commentary, not necessarily questions. Notice how conversation flows just the same. It's also normal that this frenzy of constant communication drops off a little. It's hard to adjust, but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Colder texts, short, almost flippant...reason to worry. I guess you just need to see how things play out when you can see each other again. When you can ground yourself with a face-to-face, it might get things back on track, ease your worries, hopefully you're settling into a little more normalcy for communication. I don't like having to maintain conversation all day long, and it seems you're kind of in the same place, so try not to worry too much. Thanks act, this really struck a chord with me as I think your reply would have been exactly what I would have said, had I been giving someone else advice. Loss of momentum/fading has happened to so many times before and it never gets easier. I take your point about asking questions, that's true, the way I was thinking was that if he was interested in me surely he would want the conversation to keep going? But that said, earlier on especially I was secretly hoping that would happen anyway as I thought the level of texting was too much! I am the same as you normally in terms of not having to maintain conversation all day. I don't have any issues with having less conversation, its the fact that for him he's gone from very frequent to less and less which signals a change, and i'm interpreting it as a bad one for now! Edited May 28, 2018 by Meg1880 .
Author Meg1880 Posted May 28, 2018 Author Posted May 28, 2018 (edited) The first few dates are pretty telling. I know you had plans but missing a potential date can be a momentum killer. It can take some people 3 or 4 dates to start feeling a little invested so the break that occurred wasn't ideal. Just leads to over-thinking which ruins things. Him sleeping with you also didn't help. Can't see much happening from here. Getting past the 3rd date is critical for it to advance. 3rd date seems to be the one that always makes or breaks it. I take your point and agree that things seem to go one of two ways after date three. With regards to the missing a potential date, though, it was him who then had to go off on business for a week so technically I've been the one who has been the most free/available for dates. I also think it's too early to draw any definite conclusions. I also agree with act00 that your emphasis on questions seems a little strange. But I also believe that gut instinct usually says a lot and if you gut tells you something feels a bit off, there could well be. I suggest proceed, but with a little caution. The fact that he cools off a bit with the texting could be a sign that he's not that sure about you. Ok this is good feedback regarding the questions! I've always just assumed if someone doesn't ask questions over text they want the conversation to end!?! Is this not how the world works? lol. I agree. My gut has actually never been wrong about these things and the fact it has been bothering me enough to post here says a lot I guess. When you say proceed with caution - should I hold off initiating conversation now and see if he does? I think you should sit back and see if any more dates happen. I wouldn't try to get to know him through texts, there needs to be a number of dates first in order for it to be something that can grow, and texting isn't a substitute for time spent together. You are putting all kinds of pressure and weight on the texts rather than waiting to see if things move forward with dates. You had to turn down a date and he was out of town and now is back and busy. See if he gets in contact re: another date. Keep dating others if you wish so you are not so focused on him, but regardless, seems like sitting back and letting him get in touch would be a very good idea so you are not doing the pursuing. Thanks greymatter. I wanted to know where to go from here so interesting you think I should sit back and let him get in touch, that is what I will do, even though I've been here a million times before (haven't we all though!) and know it's hard. Edited May 28, 2018 by Meg1880 .
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 He does sound like he is giving you a slow fade. Texting shouldn't drop that quickly, my bf and I text the same way we did meeting a year ago. I always thought I was an overthinker, but it always my gut telling me I was off. If I felt like a guy was fading he was. Do not pursue, stop putting in effort and if he drops off, he wasn't interested.
fredflint Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 (edited) Ok this is good feedback regarding the questions! I've always just assumed if someone doesn't ask questions over text they want the conversation to end!?! Is this not how the world works? lol. I agree. My gut has actually never been wrong about these things and the fact it has been bothering me enough to post here says a lot I guess. When you say proceed with caution - should I hold off initiating conversation now and see if he does? Well I think a question clearly means that they want the conversation to continue, but I don't think the converse (that if they want the conversation to continue, they will necessarily ask a question) is true. Say you tell me a joke by text and I go hahaha that was funny! Am I telling you I'm done? Not at all I might be done, but there's no way for you to know one way or the other. I might equally be enjoying the conversation and hopeful you'll tell me another. As far as should you pursue him now, you'll get different opinions from different people. I'm very laid back when it comes to dating, I'm guessing few guys are like me. I prefer women to pursue me and I actively tune out women who don't. I don't think many men are like that but I can't be sure on that because I don't have the statistics. I'm sure I've lost many women who've thought I've been lukewarm about them when really I've been quite into them - I just want them to be more confident and forward and modern. If they make me pursue them, that annoys me. I think it's a mistake for women to assume if a man isn't pursuing he isn't interested. He simply might not like to pursue. No more no less. I'd say be yourself. I don't think it does you any harm to send him one more text now asking if he'd still like to get together. I'd recommend that even though other posters in this thread advise laying back - I disagree with them. However one should be enough - I wouldn't send more than one text asking before waiting for a response. By "proceed with caution", I meant try to not get overly attached too quickly. Guard your heart a little. Edited May 28, 2018 by fredflint
Author Meg1880 Posted May 28, 2018 Author Posted May 28, 2018 Well I think a question clearly means that they want the conversation to continue, but I don't think the converse (that if they want the conversation to continue, they will necessarily ask a question) is true. Say you tell me a joke by text and I go hahaha that was funny! Am I telling you I'm done? Not at all I might be done, but there's no way for you to know one way or the other. I might equally be enjoying the conversation and hopeful you'll tell me another. As far as should you pursue him now, you'll get different opinions from different people. I'm very laid back when it comes to dating, I'm guessing few guys are like me. I prefer women to pursue me and I actively tune out women who don't. I don't think many men are like that but I can't be sure on that because I don't have the statistics. I'm sure I've lost many women who've thought I've been lukewarm about them when really I've been quite into them - I just want them to be more confident and forward and modern. I'd say be yourself. I don't think it does you any harm to send him one more text now asking if he'd still like to get together. I'd recommend that even though other posters in this thread advise laying back - I disagree with them. I wouldn't send more than one text asking though before waiting for a response. Thanks Fred. I know what you're saying. What throws me off is that his general approach doesn't sound like yours. He was very confident and forward in asking me out the first two times, he doesn't strike me as somebody that is laid back when it comes to dating at all. That said, at the moment I'm thinking to just combine everyone's advice and hold off texting him today but text him later this week (presuming he doesn't do so first). I have had mixed signals from him but I have also had mixed responses from posters on here which I think it is reflective of that. If everyone was telling me to ditch him and move on, I would. But given that there are quite a lot of posters telling me to slow down and stop overthinking, there is probably a chance I am doing just that! 1
Ruby Slippers Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 I get the impression you really like him from how actively you're analyzing the situation. Been there, done that. I get the impression he likes you but isn't yet as blown away by you as you'd like him to be. It's normal girl behavior to want a man you like to be smitten for you with hearts coming out of his eyeballs immediately. But I think genuine feelings like these are rare - and those relationships can be fleeting. If you stay mellow and do your own thing, he'll show you pretty quickly how much he likes you. Personally, I wouldn't ask him out or chase him. I think most men like to have the time and space to consider how he feels, then act.
Author Meg1880 Posted May 28, 2018 Author Posted May 28, 2018 He does sound like he is giving you a slow fade. Texting shouldn't drop that quickly' date=' my bf and I text the same way we did meeting a year ago. I always thought I was an overthinker, but it always my gut telling me I was off. If I felt like a guy was fading he was. Do not pursue, stop putting in effort and if he drops off, he wasn't interested.[/quote'] Thank you. I've got a feeling you may be right. Only time will tell
Author Meg1880 Posted May 28, 2018 Author Posted May 28, 2018 I get the impression you really like him from how actively you're analyzing the situation. Been there, done that. I get the impression he likes you but isn't yet as blown away by you as you'd like him to be. It's normal girl behavior to want a man you like to be smitten for you with hearts coming out of his eyeballs immediately. But I think genuine feelings like these are rare - and those relationships can be fleeting. If you stay mellow and do your own thing, he'll show you pretty quickly how much he likes you. Personally, I wouldn't ask him out or chase him. I think most men like to have the time and space to consider how he feels, then act. This is so helpful Ruby; thank you. I do like him, and I too have been here many times before with the over thinking and analysing every detail. Sadly whenever this has happened to me before, I have been right about lack of interest. I think this is why I just revert to this assumption now and over analyse things, but at the same time I don't want this assumption making to cloud my judgement and make me perceive everything negatively! I will stay mellow. If he hasn't got in touch by the end of the week I will send a last ditch attempt or else I'll always be thinking what if. I like closure in these situations
Art_Critic Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 you gave it up too quick.... No way to create more interest, all you can do is wait and see if he is looking for round two. 1
fredflint Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 you gave it up too quick.... No way to create more interest, all you can do is wait and see if he is looking for round two. I think that depends on the guy too...
Ruby Slippers Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 I will stay mellow. If he hasn't got in touch by the end of the week I will send a last ditch attempt or else I'll always be thinking what if. I like closure in these situations This sounds reasonable.
Author Meg1880 Posted June 3, 2018 Author Posted June 3, 2018 Update So I did what I said I was going to do and did nothing! He text me on Friday afternoon which I was a little surprised by as I wasn’t sure I was going to hear from him again. Started off having a good chat but again his replies got shorter, longer to text back etc etc and now he’s sort of shut the conversation down again. Really thrown and confused. Was he just testing me by texting? Is he just really busy? I’m aware this sort of texting isn’t ideal and we need to see each other in person, but I’m inclined to let him suggest/plan a next date given my concerns about his lack of interest?
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 3, 2018 Posted June 3, 2018 I think you messed up by sleeping with him so soon. He's probably wondering if you do that so easily with other guys you just met. Yes, it's your "right" to have sex with a virtual stranger, but is it sensible? Imagine if he'd offered marriage after 3 dates? You would probably be a bit baffled and maybe even turned off a bit. Same thing with a woman giving access to her womb after 3 dates.
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