BoxNSox Posted May 17, 2018 Posted May 17, 2018 I've been on 3 dates with a woman I met recently and we really hit it off. First date lasted about 4 hours, second one about 6 hours, and the third one was just a short 2 hour lunch date yesterday since I'm going out of town for the weekend. I feel like I went too far yesterday by telling her that I have a crush on her and was thinking about writing her a poem (she knows I write poetry and had asked me to read her one, which I did). However, when I told her I was thinking of writing her a poem she just said "Really..." without a ton of enthusiasm and when I started to tell her I had a crush on her she said "Don't say it...". Neither of those things is very positive and today I felt like a fool. I knew it was too soon, but I got caught up in the moment and got ahead of myself. Is this a salvageable situation or did I screw up? What can I do to bounce back from a misstep like this?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 17, 2018 Posted May 17, 2018 I don't really think 3 dates is too soon to tell someone you have a crush on them. The poem thing would kinda weird me out because it's very intimate and if you don't like it, well, the writer's feelings could be hurt. Go away on your weekend trip and ask her to dinner sometime next week and see how it goes. The only thing that you can do now is give it time to cool down a bit. 1
Author BoxNSox Posted May 17, 2018 Author Posted May 17, 2018 (edited) I don't really think 3 dates is too soon to tell someone you have a crush on them. The poem thing would kinda weird me out because it's very intimate and if you don't like it, well, the writer's feelings could be hurt. Go away on your weekend trip and ask her to dinner sometime next week and see how it goes. The only thing that you can do now is give it time to cool down a bit. For what it's worth, and because I was really feeling like a dumbass, I sent her a funny/flirty text this morning and she replied back with a bunch of LOL emojis and hearts. It was a little bit of a test and the response was at least encouraging. I agree though to take a step back and let the whole crush/poem thing cool off. It was an awkward moment, but I also don't think I scared her off or she wouldn't have replied to my text with a bunch of laughs and hearts. The lukewarm reaction at lunch yesterday just made me nervous and got me thinking. Edited May 17, 2018 by BoxNSox
d0nnivain Posted May 17, 2018 Posted May 17, 2018 It's fine. Dial it back. Don't write the poem. If you must, make it a haiku. Don't mention liking her again. Leave the next declaration to her. Take a day or two off, then arrange another date a few days hence. 1
Happy Lemming Posted May 18, 2018 Posted May 18, 2018 If you must, make it a haiku. I like this idea... You said you were going to write a poem, so I think you should follow through. A short happy little haiku would be fine. She may be expecting something and you should put some effort into it. Nothing too heavy, light and airy, maybe a nature reference. “An honest man's word is as good as his bond.” —Miguel de Cervantes. Personally, if a woman told me she was going to write a poem to me, I would be very excited to read her work. I'm not expecting Elizabeth Bishop, but I would like to see her writing style, etc. Just my two cents...
Author BoxNSox Posted May 28, 2018 Author Posted May 28, 2018 I made a post a couple weeks ago talking about how I was worried that I came on too strong by telling this girl I had a crush on her after the 3rd date. Everybody who replied said it wasn't a big deal so I didn't think it was and it wasn't, really. However, this same girl is killing those feelings by making me feel like I'm the only one putting in any effort. When we're together things are great, but in between dates I feel like she has no interest in me at all. She never texts or calls unless I do and she sometimes takes up to 24 hours to reply. In her defense she has two autistic kids (young) so I try to be considerate of that, but how much effort would it take for her to send me a quick text, either as a reply or just to let me know for a change that she's thinking about me? Is that too much to ask? I wanted to try talking to her about it last night, but she didn't call me back and then didn't even tell me that something had come up until I texted her around noon today to ask her if everything was alright. I told her I wished she could've just texted me to let me know and said it was kind of inconsiderate to just leave me hanging like that and she didn't reply back to even say she was sorry. I don't know if it's just her kids or what. Thoughts?
preraph Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 No, no, no, no, no. You have NO idea how overwhelming two autistic kids is!! You can't even fathom it. Honestly, two ANY kids is overwhelming. My best friend has two and we have to schedule our time when there's no school and she's not working and I can fit it in. I see her maybe once every 2-3 months. Two autistic kids, this woman is NEVER going to have any time. Yes, she needs a break, but the only man she's going to stay with is one who, when the time is right, understands the demands on a mother with two autistic kids, and respects it and doesn't EVER expect to be top priority. Those kids are always going to come first. She is exhausted all the time, I'm sure. So she will need whatever time they're asleep to rest up herself. If she ever stays with someone, it will be someone who can share her load with her, not demand more time of her. I know it's not what you want to hear. I'm surprised she's even dating. Hopefully, she shares custody with her ex? If not, she will never have free time. And no, my friend cannot always text back. Sometimes yes, sometimes she's just too overwhelmed with a half-dozen people pulling at her. You won't ever get priority here. She can't. She has no choice. 2
Author BoxNSox Posted May 28, 2018 Author Posted May 28, 2018 Oh I'm not trying to be top priority. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. I just feel like it really doesn't take much effort to send a quick text, especially if she's not able to do something that she'd previously agreed to. Just to let me know and not leave me hanging like that. I don't think that's unfair, but maybe it is and I should apologize to her for saying it was inconsiderate? I'm not used to this and I can fess up to that. I do really like her so maybe I can do a better job.
rightondude Posted May 28, 2018 Posted May 28, 2018 I have an autistic child. I have time to respond back to texts. Yes there are ****uations and yes you are getting yourself into a real big deal if you want to be serious with her, but if she wants to be with you she will let you know it in some form or fashion.
act00 Posted May 29, 2018 Posted May 29, 2018 I don't think you're wrong at all for letting her know how you feel. I understand that she may be exhausted and busy, but this doesn't absolve her from rude behavior. If she cannot be somewhere and has to cancel, or cannot work in a plan that was discussed, she should say so. Your time is valuable too and you also have feeling, just like she does. Surely you're giving her a few passes and trying to be flexible knowing her difficulties with two high needs children, but she could stand to do a little better, at least when it comes to a change in plans. It's important to let your SO know when things like this bother you. You can't fix it if you don't know that it's broken. If that is a deal-breaker for the other person, so be it, but no matter how busy, I think it's not a lot to ask to shoot off a text. I also don't think it's a lot to ask that she reaches out to you once in awhile to touch base, maybe chat a little, text for awhile before bed or something like that, let you know she's thinking of you. You need to feel wanted as well. If you're the only one reaching out and planning, I question if she's interested in a serious relationship or just likes having you around once in awhile in a more casual sense. She's definitely very busy with these children's care, and you need to decide if this is something you can take on for the long term and if you can work around her busy lifestyle.
BaileyB Posted May 29, 2018 Posted May 29, 2018 I can’t imagine raising two autistic children on my own... i’m impressed that she has the time and energy to go out with you. I’m not surprised that she is not texting between dates. But, I do think it’s rude not to contact you if she has to cancel plans. Do you want to potentially be the step father of two autistic children? Do you want the responsibility and are you prepared to accept that her children will always come first, and may possibly need some kind of financial or other support for the rest of their lives? 1
mortensorchid Posted May 29, 2018 Posted May 29, 2018 This is sticky - being that she has two kids to begin with and that they are both autistic AND she is attempting to have any kind of a social life. I wouldn't take it very seriously her timing, she is being run ragged with the kids and she responds when she is able to do so. If you want to keep seeing her, do so. 2
preraph Posted May 29, 2018 Posted May 29, 2018 (edited) Oh I'm not trying to be top priority. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. I just feel like it really doesn't take much effort to send a quick text, especially if she's not able to do something that she'd previously agreed to. Just to let me know and not leave me hanging like that. I don't think that's unfair, but maybe it is and I should apologize to her for saying it was inconsiderate? I'm not used to this and I can fess up to that. I do really like her so maybe I can do a better job. You and everyone else she has to keep up with. You're not the only one texting her. She likely has her kids, her parents, her siblings, her ex, his parents, his siblings, the kids' school, and if she works, people from work. Taking care of autistic kids means you can't always look away for a minute. If she said a firm yes to plans and then didn't follow through, I agree with you, but not if it was a "we'll see" or "maybe." But if she had said "Yes, definitely," and then stood you up, then you simply do not ask her out again. No one likes being stood up. But you did not say anything about being stood up in your original post and that is what I am responding to. Edited May 29, 2018 by preraph
smackie9 Posted May 29, 2018 Posted May 29, 2018 Enjoy going out on dates but keep your options open for someone who is more on the same expectation page as you. IMO this early in the game, you shouldn't have to ask someone to change their behavior towards you.
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