richdeniro Posted May 26, 2018 Posted May 26, 2018 Started seeing a woman in January and we mutually (more her than me but I agreed) decided to end it around a month ago because we just felt our circumstances weren't right. She is 45 and I am 38, she has three kids so she felt she was holding me back from dating people my own age and the chance to start a family. She wanted to remain friends though and I agreed. We did the no contact thing for about 3 weeks but she got back in contact with me last week by challenging me to a game on words with friends and then followed up by messaging me on FB, within 4 messages she told me she 'was doing really good and was seeing someone'. I've recently found out that the person she has gone back to is her ex from before me - they broke up in September of last year and they were only together for a months. I've seen the guys Facebook and he is the exact opposite to me. I am quite well spoken, have a professional job, quite sensitive, no real baggage and like to think of myself as a half decent guy. Obviously I'm being a bit judgmental going off someones FB page so I hope you'll forgive me but this guy has a lot of tattoos, 4 kids by 4 different women, looks to have a non secure labouring type job, posts overtly right-wing/slightly racist posts/memes and from my first impressions is perhaps one of those alpha male types. I am pretty heartbroken in all honesty as I didn't realise how strong my feelings were until she was no longer in my life and her telling me she is seeing someone else hit me like a bullet. I'm still not sure if I can be friends with her but I am wondering if she might have been seeing this new guy before we actually broke up and was cheating on me, I have nothing to go on but from a personal perspective I haven't even thought about dating anyone new having just broken up and I'm not the type of guy who goes for a rebound relationship. Another thing that makes me suspect she may have been seeing him before we broke up officially is a couple of weekends after we actually broke up we had arranged to meet up on the Saturday night for a drink. I waited around at home all day Saturday until 9.30pm before texting her asking what was going on, she replied just saying 'Sorry I'm out', I'm assuming she was with the new guy as her responses are never usually like that. If she was seeing someone else whilst we were together I don't think I could be friends with her as it would be so disrespectful and I wouldn't be able to look at her in the same light. I'm also just wondering if she is intending to be friends with me, maybe subconsciously, as she wants someone to provide the emotional side of a relationship whilst she is probably more attracted to this guys carefree alpha male thing so will be having all the fun with him whilst I am the doormat who replies to her Whatsapps and provides emotional support. Overall I just can't imagine him being the type who will show a sensitive, caring, nice guy side which she said was something she really like about me. Anyway a couple of days ago I sent her a long heartfelt message telling her how much I loved her, thanked her for the time we had together and hoped the new guy would be the one to give her the life she deserves. I left it 24 hours and she didn't respond so yesterday blocked her on everything and unfriended her on Facebook. Obviously I am going no contact now and haven't really put a timescale on when I will get back in touch with her, if I do at all and just wanted some advice and insight from the outside about the whole thing really. I feel like she will eventually reach out to me but that could be months away although she would have to use someone elses phone or post me a letter as she has no real digital way of contacting me now.
preraph Posted May 26, 2018 Posted May 26, 2018 I think your reaction is fine. No, you can't be friends. At least not until and unless all feelings fade, which is unlikely. Plus no man wants an ex hanging around "being friends." So I think you did the right thing. No telling when she started seeing him again or if she ever stopped. He may simply be more like her or more what she's used to. Don't worry about why. You're fine. You'll find someone nice one of these days. You were very generous wishing her well and all. She ought to do the same, but if she doesn't, it says something about her, doesn't it? 1
Beachead Posted May 26, 2018 Posted May 26, 2018 (edited) Hey OP, Firstly, I'm sorry you had to go through this. I've been there. I know your mind is analyzing and trying to figure out why things happened the way they did and whether this guy is a right fit for her but the truth is, it's there's no point and it's not your responsibility to worry about that. From her end, it is very likely she did meet this guy while which prompted her to end it. It's a huge disservice for you to hold on and wait for her to possibly contact you incase something doesn't work out. Keep in mind she was with you, received the best you had to give but chose someone else and dropped you from her life. You even sent her a heartfelt message and she ignored it. She knows what she did. Do yourself a favor and don't disrespect yourself by tolerating someone treating you like crap. Don't even waste a thought on them. There are better people out there who will actually want to be in your life and who will add something positive to it instead of draining the life out of you. From personal experience, I know what that feels like and that's why I know a friendship isn't possible for you right now. Being heartbroken over her being with a new guy is proof. You will always have this longing to want to be with her. There always be this hope. In order to be a genuine friend, you will have to accept she's gone and let go and you must grieve as you go through it and that will be a process that will take time. Personally, I would set it in my mind that she isn't coming back ever. One last thing, she did what was best for her. Now you have to do what's best for you. Remain in No-Contact. Stay strong. You'll come back from this. - Beachead Edited May 26, 2018 by Beachead 2
fredflint Posted May 27, 2018 Posted May 27, 2018 Started seeing a woman in January and we mutually (more her than me but I agreed) decided to end it around a month ago because we just felt our circumstances weren't right. She is 45 and I am 38, she has three kids so she felt she was holding me back from dating people my own age and the chance to start a family. She wanted to remain friends though and I agreed. We did the no contact thing for about 3 weeks but she got back in contact with me last week by challenging me to a game on words with friends and then followed up by messaging me on FB, within 4 messages she told me she 'was doing really good and was seeing someone'. I've recently found out that the person she has gone back to is her ex from before me - they broke up in September of last year and they were only together for a months. I've seen the guys Facebook and he is the exact opposite to me. I am quite well spoken, have a professional job, quite sensitive, no real baggage and like to think of myself as a half decent guy. Obviously I'm being a bit judgmental going off someones FB page so I hope you'll forgive me but this guy has a lot of tattoos, 4 kids by 4 different women, looks to have a non secure labouring type job, posts overtly right-wing/slightly racist posts/memes and from my first impressions is perhaps one of those alpha male types. I am pretty heartbroken in all honesty as I didn't realise how strong my feelings were until she was no longer in my life and her telling me she is seeing someone else hit me like a bullet. I'm still not sure if I can be friends with her but I am wondering if she might have been seeing this new guy before we actually broke up and was cheating on me, I have nothing to go on but from a personal perspective I haven't even thought about dating anyone new having just broken up and I'm not the type of guy who goes for a rebound relationship. Another thing that makes me suspect she may have been seeing him before we broke up officially is a couple of weekends after we actually broke up we had arranged to meet up on the Saturday night for a drink. I waited around at home all day Saturday until 9.30pm before texting her asking what was going on, she replied just saying 'Sorry I'm out', I'm assuming she was with the new guy as her responses are never usually like that. If she was seeing someone else whilst we were together I don't think I could be friends with her as it would be so disrespectful and I wouldn't be able to look at her in the same light. I'm also just wondering if she is intending to be friends with me, maybe subconsciously, as she wants someone to provide the emotional side of a relationship whilst she is probably more attracted to this guys carefree alpha male thing so will be having all the fun with him whilst I am the doormat who replies to her Whatsapps and provides emotional support. Overall I just can't imagine him being the type who will show a sensitive, caring, nice guy side which she said was something she really like about me. Anyway a couple of days ago I sent her a long heartfelt message telling her how much I loved her, thanked her for the time we had together and hoped the new guy would be the one to give her the life she deserves. I left it 24 hours and she didn't respond so yesterday blocked her on everything and unfriended her on Facebook. Obviously I am going no contact now and haven't really put a timescale on when I will get back in touch with her, if I do at all and just wanted some advice and insight from the outside about the whole thing really. I feel like she will eventually reach out to me but that could be months away although she would have to use someone elses phone or post me a letter as she has no real digital way of contacting me now. She's chosen someone else, so she is not the one for you. Don't take her back even if she comes begging.
Author richdeniro Posted May 29, 2018 Author Posted May 29, 2018 (edited) Have just been writing things cathartically, typically wrote a message I want to send to her.... I am resisting but it's hard: Hello again, Please don't think I'm being soft and acting like a heartbroken idiot, I'm not trying to be a cliche here. I figured I need to tell you how I feel. Basically I Love you and want to be with you. I know that probably doesn't come as a shock and this isn't a knee jerk reaction or anything like that. I was thinking about it a lot before we decided to end it and was going to tell you how I felt that Saturday you said you were going to come over but couldn't make it. I didn't want us to end and know I never really conveyed my true feelings for you before or avoided the subject but you started bringing it up so much and I was so stressed with work that I just agreed without thinking about it rationally. I know you say your life, what you say is baggage, age (we're not that far apart), etc is something that stopped us being together properly.... it doesn't bother me in the slightest and I thought you would have realised that when we were together. I also know that life doesn't often work out how we plan or expect it to. I think that if you find something that makes you happy then you should grab it with both hands and I now realise I had someone that meant everything to me. You wouldn't be holding me back from anything either as it's not as though I was going anywhere before and I am completely comfortable with not living what I guess others would call conventional. I would rather be happy with you than go through the motions of a mediocre life. I also couldn't care less what anyone else thought as the only thing that ever matters between two people is between them. I know you are with someone else at the moment and I don't know how serious it is but I felt I had to tell you regardless as I don't want to regret not telling you. I also know you are very loving and throw yourself into a relationship at the beginning so understand if you have moved on, I've missed my chance and you are now settled and happy. Every piece of advice I have had from friends and found online about someone you were seeing how you feel says don't do it but I felt like we were always honest with each other and there were no games so I'm going to ignore it as I think you deserve my honesty. I know I'm also not like other guys in many ways but I can promise I will love and care for you with everything I have. You said to me once that it was a shock at how much I cared as you'd never had that before, I hope you know that I've never cared for anyone as much as you before and I wouldn't stop. Please take your time to think about this, I don't expect any response straight away and don't know where your head is at right now plus I'm sure you are very busy with her kids amongst other things. Try not to let you decision be swayed by the way I've been acting recently and think about the time we spent together from January to April and the connection, at least I thought we shared. If it is definitely a no and you don't think that we can work or you have moved on, I don't need a reply and I'm not sure I'd want to see one anyone as it will most likely be horrible for you to write anyway. Please take a couple of weeks to think it all over and if I don't hear from you by the middle of June I'll know and attempt to move on with my life. It also won't affect the way I feel about you and won't ever stop wanting you to be happy. Edited May 29, 2018 by richdeniro
Author richdeniro Posted June 5, 2018 Author Posted June 5, 2018 Woman gets divorced from husband of 10ish years in around January 2017. Dates another guy in October/November 2017. Dates me from Jan-April 2018. Dumps me and within 2 weeks is back with the guy she dated for a few weeks in Oct/November. Her ex-husband and myself are very caring sensitive intelligent people whereas the guy she is back with now is much more your alpha male, not so bright and occasionally posts casual racist things on social media.
Author richdeniro Posted June 6, 2018 Author Posted June 6, 2018 I met up with her yesterday and we ended up back at mine and had sex, she stayed the night and it was really lovely and intimate. I walked her home earlier and we held hands, kissed, etc. However we didn't discuss the messages I sent her, how I feel about her and I didn't ask if she was still seeing the other guy or anyone else. Now confused as to what it all means.
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2018 Posted June 6, 2018 It probably doesn't mean anything. It may have been just sex. Guard your heart. She has not proven herself to be worthy of you trusting her with it. 1
Author richdeniro Posted July 10, 2018 Author Posted July 10, 2018 Well you were all right and I should have taken all the advice in the first place. Going through the breakup a second time now which feels even worse. Sorry for posting here but I just feel I need to tell someone even if it is just a internet message board. We met up again back at the beginning of June as my last post above alludes to and were been seeing each other casually, she assured me she wasn't seeing anyone else in that time but things felt different to how they were before. She would be online on whatsapp in the evenings for long periods and despite me sending messages and seeing her online would take forever to respond to them. When we went out she would take every opportunity when I went to the loo or to the bar to get back on whatsapp and when she was staying at mine would lean forward so I couldn't see who she was messaging. I called her up on it and she would tell me it's nothing and that I was overthinking. Anyway, long story short I was certain she was in at least an emotional relationship with someone or maybe a few other guys and just couldn't get past it as it just felt so much more different to before when I did feel like I was the only guy for her and would be the first one she messaged in the morning and last thing at night. The last week or so she became even more distant and I felt that I was becoming a bit of a chore to her. We met up for a drink on Sunday night and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and last night she sent me a message saying: "things are different in not feeling it anymore". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry". So I guess that's it now. Having to go through a second breakup again is killing me. Sorry again for bumping up my old post and writing another long post, just feel heartbroken again.
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