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Vindication doesn't feel quite as good as I imagined it would.

CautiouslyOptimistic

By CautiouslyOptimistic
in General Relationship Discussion

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I had a very contentious divorce/reconciliation after 4 years/even worse split the second time. During the second split I was an emotional wreck and had a lot of outbursts that my kids were witnesses to, and he threw that in my face a lot (even though he was the one who caused it all because of his cheating). He would tell me that he was the favorite parent because he wasn't the crying/distraught parent. And that bothered me a lot, especially when it came to our daughter. I said to him many times, "Someday she's going to realize that you didn't hang the moon." (She worshipped him)

 

Lately, both of my kids have preferred to stay at my house over his (which is fine with me except the grocery bill). We have 50/50 custody, but now that they are teens and one of them drives, it's rare that I actually have a night that one of them is not here. Tonight my daughter chose to hang out in my living room with her boyfriend even though she had to drive from her dad's house (he has them this weekend) to do so. I found out after she was already here that she didn't even tell him that was what her date night was going to be and he only realized it when he tracked her on the app we have for that purpose. So of course he started texting me about it, saying, "I guess I'm too much of a ____ for them to hang out here."

 

I was perfectly nice to him and explained that it didn't have anything to do with him and that they just have more privacy here because it's just me here (he has a live-in GF and I'm single), my son is at his house this weekend, and I am always working in my office/watching TV there, so they have the living room to themselves. (They usually go out, but her boyfriend was injured this week in a jet ski accident on his senior trip so he is on crutches and has to keep his leg elevated so going out somewhere was out).

 

After a while of texting about this evening's plans/happenings and him complaining about her being withdrawn if her boyfriend is away, he said, "Yeah, it's just me feeling like I'm losing my little girl. You always said "someday she will realize you didn't hang the moon" and now it's come true :(. Just something I need to understand and deal with."

 

I've been waiting years for that prediction of mine to come true and mostly for him to realize it/feel it. YEARS!

 

But, it doesn't feel good :(. I just feel bad for him. I don't want that for their relationship, I never really did. I just wanted him to stop implying that I was a bad mother for showing emotion over what HE did to us. (NOT that I always handled myself perfectly.....I most certainly did not.)

 

I'm not going to tell him it isn't true, because I think it is, especially now that she has a boyfriend and realizes how hurtful it would be to be cheated on.

 

All I said was, "Yes. Go to bed. Things will feel better in the morning."

 

I've experienced the elation that comes when you finally come to a point of forgiveness, and now this feeling of being proven RIGHT/revenge in a way..... I have to say, that feeling of forgiveness is way better. :(

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Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
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You mean you don't want to do the "Will & Grace" told you so dance??

 

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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
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Yeah, I get you ... somethings don't bring satisfaction.

 

I think your maturity is at play here ... You don't want to gloat over something as serious as the kids' father's feelings ...

 

So of course, you wouldn't feel any joy from this ... BTW: really nice change of subject, gentle words in response to him ... Really kind! You conveyed warmth without rubbing his face is his admission.

 

I once warned a family member that he was heading for a stroke or heart attack and that he needed to get to a good doctor and get consistent treatment for his high bp and other heart issues. He blew off treatment ... said he didn't want to waste time with doctors.

 

Within about a year or so, he suffered a major stroke ... Of course, I felt no satisfaction ... or vindication ... just anger and sadness ... and frustration.

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CrazyKatLady Established Member

CrazyKatLady

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I adore Will&Grace!

It is funny how time changes some things...and no good deed goes unpunished...my son is 10 and already sees his father for what he is...absent and careless...but, like you, the vindication is undisputed truth and it stings and my heart goes out to my beautiful boy, who already knows the awful feeling of rejection. But, a mother's love is a pretty good salve. I am glad you made it through and came out better for it and your children can see that. God bless y'all.

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Chilli Established Member

Chilli

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yeah , l hear ya co.

All we really want is for our kids to get through this with two loving parents and still have the best childhood and upbringing we can manage to give them.

And hopefully they can still look back with love and happiness and go off out into the world feeling happy and secure with their family and them selves.

That's the stuff that matters.

Edited by Chilli
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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted

I have one teen daughter....

 

One day you are the greatest parent ever and the next you are an idiot that doesn't know shyt..:laugh:,,.At least that is the way it is around here...

 

Who knows what her(your daughters) next move is??...I have no knowledge if your situation, but I wouldn't be surprised if she feels somewhat embarrassed to be affectionate to a bf in front of her father...At lease more embarrassed than she would be in front of you ...But I can't say for sure....just a hunch,,

 

TFY

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
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It's all good. You have no reason to feel guilty. He probably realizes more than he once did that it was him who broke up the marriage. You're being decent to him. You're trying to take the edge off them not wanting to go there. It probably is like you said. They never like the new man or woman. And they have more privacy at your place.

 

He should at least have enough perspective to know they're teens and teens are always resistive. If he wants to work on it, really all he has to do is give them some alone time with him and tell them how much he cares.

Chilli Established Member

Chilli

Posted
Posted (edited)

Funny , l was thinking about this one remembering back when.

And hell no , you were never very comfortable around the dad anyway, your mits all over his daughter.

He'd always know exactly what's on "your" mind.

Kinda funny , they were the days. :bunny::bunny::bunny:

Edited by Chilli
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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
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Posted
Funny , l was thinking about this one remembering back when.

And hell no , you were never very comfortable around the dad anyway, your mits all over his daughter.

He'd always know exactly what's on "your" mind.

Kinda funny , they were the days. :bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

Yeah, in most ways I think my ex should feel GOOD that they don't want to be at his house. It means he's doing a GOOD job, right? Not that I'm not. I do check on them when they are here. I just think I do a lot more normal conversation and less teasing. I don't do any teasing.

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Chilli Established Member

Chilli

Posted
Posted (edited)

l always felt safer with the mum, so funny when l think back.

She'd always bring ya food , if she walked in on you hopefully she won't kill me , she'd always make conversation or ask ya if you wanted anything.

 

Ha , when l think about it l've hardly seen my daughter and her bf, damn l must be doin a good job to then right.

His dad see's a lot more of her than l do actually.

But then he has to look after his dad he's got ms.

 

Oh l dunno.

 

Actually her other bf hung out with her and her mum more than me too. Damn.Oh well that's cool with me this one eats like a horse , cleans my fridge out in one sitting.

 

pa , her gf's loved hangin out with me sometimes l'd have 10 of them for a week , even two, man the girls can eat too.

Edited by Chilli
Logo Established Member

Logo

Posted
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Thanks for sharing. ItÂ’s clear that these feelings have been weighing on you for a long time.

 

It’s only normal to want that vindication when you have been wronged. But surprisingly enough — for me — when my moment of vindication came, the pain was still there. Yes, it did give me a little self esteem boost knowing that the proverbial shoe was on the other foot. But it didn’t nullify the pain, the sense of betrayal, the anger from being betrayed and having crazy talk thrown in my face when any normal person wouldn’t see things the way she did.

 

Forgiveness? ItÂ’s been months and I canÂ’t find a way to forgive. It feels as though , if I will forgive, then I will start to reminisce about the good times. Maybe itÂ’s a defense mechanism. ItÂ’s hard for me to describe how I feel, but it almost feels as though I would be wronging myself the minute I decide to forgive.

 

But it wasnÂ’t just the cheating that I wanted vindication for. She acted as though there was something defective about me. And that is whatÂ’s stayed with me and bothers me from time to time.

 

I hope, soon, that feeling will go away. I donÂ’t think about it often, but when things arenÂ’t going well for me, I remember those ugly words she uttered with completed disregard or an inkling of sensitivity. And I feel worse for having listened to her without standing up for myself. I might have been caught off guard or overwhelmed by the fact that someone who claimed to love me was treating me worse than anyone who might hate me.

 

It pains me to say this, because it started as a beautiful relationship, but she turned out to be trashy, morally bankrupt.

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