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For those in the "over it" phase of your breakup, what is your empowerment song?

escapedmelody

By escapedmelody
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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escapedmelody Member

escapedmelody

Posted
Posted

Please help me understand breadcrumbing. I've read the thread on here about the topic but still don't know what counts as someone doing this.

 

 

Case in point, my ex.

 

 

 

He wanted an FWB relationship after he broke up with me at the beginning of the year, so he did text me and see me on his terms. Of course I fell for all of it because I wanted him back.

 

 

 

But after I ended the FWB last month, he still texts me. And-up until last week-I responded. Sometimes we'd talk for a whole week, then nothing for three days or something. Other times he'd send me a text and an email in the same day. His texts were random, asked me questions (either personal or to help him with something), and photos of things that he thinks I'd like. We'd poke fun at each other via text too.

 

 

Is this what breadcrumbers do?

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted

Yes, that is what breadcrumbers do. It appears to be working with you; he's keeping you hooked "just enough" so that you probably aren't considering moving on, "just in case..."

 

Correct?

Mittens Established Member

Mittens

Posted
Posted

Yes, that is classic 'breadcrumbing'.

 

I went through the exact same scenario ... guy I was madly in love with split up with me, then less than 24 hours later sent me a text saying 'I think I made a mistake'... and then followed 2 and a half years of being 'breadcrumbed'!

 

Like an idiot I also accepted being 'downgraded' to FWB... I was so desperate to keep him in my life, I also thought that his wanting to keep in touch meant that he still loved me.

 

The only thing that eventually made me see sense was when he quite cheerfully told me about sleeping with a friend of his...at a time when we had been NC for a couple of months as I couldn't cope with getting nothing but dregs from him.

 

It was like a light had suddenly switched on...I realised that he was just using me for sex, he had no real feelings for me, and if I wasn't available he'd just go to the next woman...

 

I went immediate total NC. 6 months later I met my now partner. That was 9 years ago and I've only seen this guy twice since (we have a mutual friend group).

 

Please have more sense than I did and go NC with this guy ASAP.

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

Posted
Posted (edited)
Please help me understand breadcrumbing. I've read the thread on here about the topic but still don't know what counts as someone doing this.

 

 

Case in point, my ex.

 

 

 

He wanted an FWB relationship after he broke up with me at the beginning of the year, so he did text me and see me on his terms. Of course I fell for all of it because I wanted him back.

 

 

 

But after I ended the FWB last month, he still texts me. And-up until last week-I responded. Sometimes we'd talk for a whole week, then nothing for three days or something. Other times he'd send me a text and an email in the same day. His texts were random, asked me questions (either personal or to help him with something), and photos of things that he thinks I'd like. We'd poke fun at each other via text too.

 

 

Is this what breadcrumbers do?

 

That's definitely breadcrumbing.

 

He doesn't want to commit because he wants to see what's out there but, just incase he was wrong and there's nothing out there, he has you to go back to. He knows you want to be with him so what does he do? He keeps in touch and gives you just enough to keep you hooked on him without committing fully.

 

You'll get pulled around left and right and up and down until you get frustrated and then you'll go and confront him. But guess what, he'll just bring up the fact that you and him aren't in a relationship and then you'll realize the foolishness of letting people like this do this to you.

 

By accepting FWB or continuing to speak to a person who is treating you like this, you are teaching him that you have no respect for yourself and thus it's cool for him to disrespect you also.

 

I'd drop that guy immediately.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
lifeofapirate Member

lifeofapirate

Posted
Posted

Sounds an awful lot like breadcrumbing to me.

Ltdan459 Member

Ltdan459

Posted
Posted

Wow all of you just described my situation with my ex.

 

My ex of 8 years 3 kids cheated on me and me for some guy. I forgave her and wanted to work things out and stay a family. She too breadcrummed me even while she was with that guy. It took a while for me to get over her and stop and not deal with her anymore like 5 months in the 2 years we were separated. But after that guy she left me for kept cheating on her and left her she came right back to me. I was stupid and we started a parents with benifets same as friends with benifets but being parents. She lead me on lots of romantic stuff staying over at her place doing things together with the kids. Made me think we would be a family. But no she just wanted to use me and now after 2 day after ended it with me she gets right back in to a new relationship after only knowing this guy for only 2 weeks now they are in love. Oh please I more mad at my self for geting back with her thinking we would work it out. I forgave her once but I guess I needed to be bit by the snake a 2nd time to see her true colors. I TOO had a lot of love for my ex but if someone dosnt respect you and just uses you how could you Love someone when they don't love you. Since we are going though this at the same time mabye we could help eachother move on. I know It's not easy I'm struggling my self but I have to look at the real pitcher of my ex and who she is.

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escapedmelody Member

escapedmelody

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Wow all of you just described my situation with my ex.

 

My ex of 8 years 3 kids cheated on me and me for some guy. I forgave her and wanted to work things out and stay a family. She too breadcrummed me even while she was with that guy. It took a while for me to get over her and stop and not deal with her anymore like 5 months in the 2 years we were separated. But after that guy she left me for kept cheating on her and left her she came right back to me. I was stupid and we started a parents with benifets same as friends with benifets but being parents. She lead me on lots of romantic stuff staying over at her place doing things together with the kids. Made me think we would be a family. But no she just wanted to use me and now after 2 day after ended it with me she gets right back in to a new relationship after only knowing this guy for only 2 weeks now they are in love. Oh please I more mad at my self for geting back with her thinking we would work it out. I forgave her once but I guess I needed to be bit by the snake a 2nd time to see her true colors. I TOO had a lot of love for my ex but if someone dosnt respect you and just uses you how could you Love someone when they don't love you. Since we are going though this at the same time mabye we could help eachother move on. I know It's not easy I'm struggling my self but I have to look at the real pitcher of my ex and who she is.

 

 

I'm so sorry that you went through this!!! Yes, let's help each other move on. For good!

 

 

My ex had nice qualities about him that I can't believe that he'd play stupid games. It's even worse because we were each others first. (I didn't think he knew about breadcrumbing...)

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escapedmelody Member

escapedmelody

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Yes, that is classic 'breadcrumbing'.

 

I went through the exact same scenario ... guy I was madly in love with split up with me, then less than 24 hours later sent me a text saying 'I think I made a mistake'... and then followed 2 and a half years of being 'breadcrumbed'!

 

Like an idiot I also accepted being 'downgraded' to FWB... I was so desperate to keep him in my life, I also thought that his wanting to keep in touch meant that he still loved me.

 

The only thing that eventually made me see sense was when he quite cheerfully told me about sleeping with a friend of his...at a time when we had been NC for a couple of months as I couldn't cope with getting nothing but dregs from him.

 

It was like a light had suddenly switched on...I realised that he was just using me for sex, he had no real feelings for me, and if I wasn't available he'd just go to the next woman...

 

I went immediate total NC. 6 months later I met my now partner. That was 9 years ago and I've only seen this guy twice since (we have a mutual friend group).

 

Please have more sense than I did and go NC with this guy ASAP.

 

 

I'm doing NC now, after telling myself multiple times that I was going to. This time I truly am though!

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escapedmelody Member

escapedmelody

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I'm not in the "over it" phase of my breakup yet, but just about there...

 

 

The song helping me is "Superwoman" by Alicia Keys

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escapedmelody Member

escapedmelody

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Update:

 

 

This week my ex has been texting me every day. He caught me online one night and asked if I had received the latest one he sent-I was trying to do NC-and like a dummy I responded with a "yes." He was making sure I received it because on his phone it said that it didn't go through.

 

 

 

Then we had a short conversation.

 

 

Wish me luck with NC this time around.

CrazyKatLady Established Member

CrazyKatLady

Posted
Posted

It is well with my soul AND How great is our God. one song for worship, and one song for praise...

Ltdan459 Member

Ltdan459

Posted
Posted
I'm so sorry that you went through this!!! Yes, let's help each other move on. For good!

 

 

My ex had nice qualities about him that I can't believe that he'd play stupid games. It's even worse because we were each others first. (I didn't think he knew about breadcrumbing...)

 

Same me and my ex were each others first everything we both lost our virginity together high school sweet hearts hell we ran off together to Mexico after high school for 3 months. It's hard I know someone you gave your body to and they gave theirs to you but then gives it to someone else on in my case a few. Even harder when you have children with them. Like me. At least I can still do active no contact due to our way of heading the kids over to the other parent.

 

I'll be honest a part now just a small part wants them to commit or be back fully but then again knowing they played you and broke your Hart once before or like me twice it's a little more easy to just say F you and walk away. Honestly they may change or may not but we need to find someone for us. Just don't jump into a relationship to quick. Look at me yea I jumped back with my ex again but I'm more focused on easing my 3 kids. Yea it is lonely yea sometimes you don't know what to do. But hey you need to talk I think you can send a message on here so yea.

Ltdan459 Member

Ltdan459

Posted
Posted
Update:

 

 

This week my ex has been texting me every day. He caught me online one night and asked if I had received the latest one he sent-I was trying to do NC-and like a dummy I responded with a "yes." He was making sure I received it because on his phone it said that it didn't go through.

 

 

 

Then we had a short conversation.

 

 

Wish me luck with NC this time around.

 

Uhh NC lol yes try try to do that I'm trying to as well I stopped following her on Instagram facebook he'll I deleted the IG account and blocked her on FB. I even had to not delete the photos of her just store them in a hidden folder just because our kids are in the photos.

 

Yes lol I have been there I did not contact with my ex many many times and yes I did brake it and let her come back into my life but I and you have to remember they just play games. They use us knowing we will always be their fall back.

 

Example my ex just got into a new relationship with some guy at her Job that I got her just and she barely knew him for 2 weeks and now saying he loves her and liking all her Instagram photos even old ones saying oh looking good baby and stuff. That's what the last guy did said all these things to her and even promised to marry her lol but what that guy do cheated on her a lot treated her like shi.t gust used her as a booty call. That's why it didn't last long yea 2 years but broke up 10 times. That's what is going to happen with this new guy he is using her and it's like dude you go to the Jim a lot you are fat and want to boddybuild she has 3 kids you think you have time for her you don't you know what you are only there for is sex.

 

And when that relationship ends I'm not taking her ads back she will just continue hell her family who hates my guts ever since we meet eachother hense why we ran off to Mexico told me in front of the last guy she was with and in front of her (Daniel I know we don't get along and I don't like you but him she points to the guy my ex was with but him I don't like him. I like you more he is a Pease of s hit. Even her friends said to her and sisters Daniel is a good man put up with a lot with you and us he treated you good and even after what you did to him and everything he still loved you still gave you a chance you are going to regret it because one day he won't be there.

 

Let's make a prommes together let's not deal with our exes anymore **** them. As of right now I'm doing Active no contact gave her the load down how exstanging of the kids will go when they are not in school how in case of an emergancy she will call my father and via versa and so on.

 

Good luck wish me luck let's keep eachother updated yea? If I or you feel like we are about to break let's talk

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I'm going back decades to answer you. I was 100percent immersed in music, so I had an entire regimen for different stages. While in love, it was RoxyMusic, the first five albums.

 

The rage phase I relied on everything from Marianne Faithful "Why'd You Do It" to Ramones "Lobotomy" to Megadeth "In My Darkest Hour."

 

My recovery, when I'm putting my face back on and dressing to kill and getting back out there, has mostly been David Bowie "Candidate, 1984, and Chant of the Evercircling Skeletal Family" from album Diamond Dogs. That trilogy has always given me courage and confidence. God bless David Bowie.

ElKay Established Member

ElKay

Posted
Posted

I'm not in that stage yet, but I am trying to get there as soon as possible... One song that's helping is "Stronger" by Britney Spears. :p I was a total fan as a little girl, so its retro-vibes and its message help me a lot.

Realitysux Established Member

Realitysux

Posted
Posted

I dont have a song, but I can listen to music and not associate anything or one to them. Songs like perfect by ed sheeran don't hurt anymore and I can finally play that song. I just like this forum and find myself on here every so often.

BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

Posted
Posted

I will survive, Gloria Gaymor

Fighter - Christina Aguilera

guest569 Established Member

guest569

Posted
Posted

When I’m in the “over it” phase, I no longer need a song. I use songs as therapy during the worst of times for comfort and strength, or when I want to mope and dwell in the sorrow! :)

guest569 Established Member

guest569

Posted
Posted

What about Cher - Strong Enough, or Movin on Up! Heather Small - Proud..

GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
Posted

Bye. bye, bye - N'sync

Survivor - Destiny's Child

 

Partying like it's 2000 over here :bunny:

ItsJustMyOpinion Member

ItsJustMyOpinion

Posted
Posted

 

Michael Buble - It's a beautiful day.

 

I don't even like this dude's music, but this song/video is great!

ItsJustMyOpinion Member

ItsJustMyOpinion

Posted
Posted

Isn't breadcrumbing someone telling them you want to be in a relationship and basically being in a relationship with you, going out on dates, spending time with you, all without ever committing to a relationship and still seeing other people?

 

What you described isn't breadcrumbing. This is you chasing after someone who specifically told you he doesn't want a relationship with you and is only interested in being friends with benefits.

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escapedmelody Member

escapedmelody

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Can NC be initiated months after the breakup? I want to do NC to heal (and maybe make my ex miss me in the process...:laugh:)

 

But is there a “best” and “worst” time to start NC?

darkbloom Established Member

darkbloom

Posted
Posted

No contact is not a tool to make your ex miss you. There is no “best time” to start. If you decide you want to heal and move on then you cut all contact and move forward.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

Posted
Posted (edited)
Can NC be initiated months after the breakup? I want to do NC to heal (and maybe make my ex miss me in the process...:laugh:)

 

But is there a “best” and “worst” time to start NC?

 

Hi OP,

 

After a breakup, we are typically struggling with our thoughts. We're not thinking rationally. We are attached and we have feelings that are unreciprocated and we must get rid of them. That takes time. Being friends with an ex immediately afterwards is therefore not possible because they are the reason you hurt. We gave 100%, they received it and decided they wanted something else so if they have chosen not to be with you, they have chosen to be with someone else. Hence, this is why NC came to be. It's a natural move following a breakup that delivers the smoothest route to healing from this truth.

 

Breakups happen for a reason. To maximize the chances of a successful second run, both people have to acknowledge their mistakes that led to the breakup and then mutually agree on how to compromise, sacrifice and fix the problems. In order to be able to fix those problems, they both have to have grown, learn and work on themselves in the time apart. Results take time. Using NC as a manipulation tactic to win an ex back will therefore cheat you out of this crucial process because you're not doing it for yourself. Even if you win them back by using NC like this, you'll still be the same person with the same unconscious behaviorial patterns that led to the breakup the first time it failed.

 

Keep that in mind

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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