Boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression.

[JustAGirlx]

Hi,

 

I was dating this guy for about four months..I know, not the longest time but I was falling hard during this time. It was the first relationship where I felt comfortable and happy after a problematic relationship and dating history.

 

 

We both agree we are compatible in many ways in terms of interests and personalities, but I have severe depression and this took its toll. i'm fully aware how unhealthy and toxic it was and fully agree on the decision as I respect him and don't want him to be unhappy, although of course I was devastated. the relationship was great in my eyes because I felt comfortable and trusted him and happy with it, something I hadn't previously experienced, but I felt unhappy outside of the relationship.

 

 

I feel that two key things have been really influential in my unhappiness:

1. exam stress. this is more lately but I don't cope well with deadlines, while I am achieving well at university, the deadlines are very difficult to deal with and very stressful.

2. lack of friendships. I have autism and struggle to make and maintain friendships. I particularly struggle with initiating conversations with strangers and when I made an acquaintance I struggle to take things to the next level per-se and ask them to hang out - I guess a fear of rejection?

and then the friendships I do make tend to be very temporary and end rather abruptly for no obvious reason apart from just drifting apart perhaps or just not enough effort from the other person. these problems have been consistent for a long time and have contributed to my depression enormously, I get a lot of joy out of spending time with others and feel extremely lonely when I spend days on end not really having any meaningful or sometimes any interactions at all. I'm part of one club at uni which I enjoy going to but otherwise I don't really have any good friends.

 

Me and my ex have agreed that we would stay in contact and he would still be there for me, but I realise that I can't overly discuss my negative feelings towards him as this is what caused the relationship to end (as well as being irritable at times)

 

I've had severe depression for several years. I have good days and some moments of happiness but mostly I feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied with my life. I felt university would be a great opportunity to meet new people and form friendships but it has just made me insanely stressed so starting to wonder if I should drop out, even though I just completed my first year (I'm English so degree is only three years), although I don't want to move back in with my mother.

 

I have tried medication in the past for depression but I was awful at taking it and when I did take it I didn't notice a massive difference and it didn't change the loneliness I felt. I also was told that my depression wasn't bad enough to see a psychotherapist a few years ago.. I no longer self-harm, I don't abuse substances and don't feel mega suicidal (I've tried suicide in the past but could never bring myself to do it, despite feeling completely hopeless, so I figured I could never do it), so I'm not really seen as high risk. I went to a counsellor at uni and kept being told to fix my sleeping pattern before anything else, but I feel that even getting lots of sleep does not do a great deal for my depression, so I found this kind of unhelpful as I rather would have been able to vent fully about my social and mental issues and be given advice on them.

 

Anyway, I just feel kind of trapped at the moment and unable to recover from these issues, and devastated that I destroyed something that was bringing me happiness. I find it difficult to deal with my emotions and venting makes me feel so much better but of course it pushes people away.

 

 

Just wondering what I can do to improve my situation. If I could really get better and have him back of course that would be the best thing, but I mainly just want to focus on being able to move on from the relationship, forgiving myself for destroying it and finding some fulfilment

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, OP.

 

I would continue seeing the counselor, or see if you can find a different one. It sounds as though you cannot manage this on your own, and there's no shame in that. Sometimes you need to persist until you find a therapist that's a good fit for you.

 

Also, if you didn't see any improvement with medication, did you speak to your doctor about changing the dosage or trying a different treatment?

 

It seems that now is not a good time to date, in any event. You're dealing with a lot, which needs to be addressed and treated first. When you feel emotionally healthy, an emotionally healthy relationship will follow suit.

[fromheart]

Sorry that you are going through this.

 

Relationships can break up for so many reasons. To be honest there are relationships that have survived far worse than what you have described here. Its more likely that this wasn't the one for you, as opposed it to being just about your depression.

 

Saying that, being in a relationship when you are depressed or when the person is depressed is an obstacle. But if you are proactive with getting better, it can still work with a patient and understanding partner.

 

The best thing though, is to just focus on getting better for you and yourself. It always comes back to this.

[d0nnivain]

I have depression too. I know in the throws of bad spells I am hard to love.

 

Not everybody can deal with depression. Your BF could not. That doesn't make him a bad person. It just shows you need somebody more tolerant.

 

Work with your therapist to deal with this. Try to learn techniques to self soothe when you have exams & deadlines.

[JustAGirlx]

update:

 

I kind of don't know whether I want the relationship back or not. I think he feels a similar way.

 

 

so, I feel like the depression thing I can maybe learn to manage it better, get professional help and talk to my family and counsellors about it, and I think if I was able to do that he would find it more manageable.

 

 

The next thing that I found out we are having problems with is distance. this is a tricky one. He only lives an hour away currently, but I'm moving back into my parents house over the summer, which is about two and a half hours from him. Also, i'm planning to spend four or five months in America next year, and it seems likely that he won't be able to visit. The only thing that I feel about this is that the problems started when we stopped video calling, and all our communication when we were apart was just messaging. I don't know if this is the reason that distance has been tricky for us, I don't know if it would improve and I don't know whether he would cope with me being in America.

 

 

The final thing is that he struggles to talk to me about problems in the relationship. Both times problems have came up, he has tried to hide it, or treated me a bit differently, and then when I noticed there was a problem, he reacted by saying he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me and this is the second time this happens, last time he decided he wanted to stay and this time he said he didn't. I think he is afraid to communicate openly about these things with me and that's a big problem. I don't know if its workable, I want to think it is, but equally I'm nervous about this happening again every time there is any problem and I'm not sure what I can do to encourage him to communicate about problems in the relationship.

 

 

anyways, it seems pretty hopeless, but as I say this was probably the best relationship I've had (after being in toxic and abusive ones). I love him so much and I feel so much happiness around him (and he feels the same!), we still have real feelings for each other, but I don't know that these problems are fixable. I don't want to make any rash decisions about getting back together, but as of now I'm completely sat on the fence.

[lifeofapirate]

update:

 

I kind of don't know whether I want the relationship back or not. I think he feels a similar way.

 

 

so, I feel like the depression thing I can maybe learn to manage it better, get professional help and talk to my family and counsellors about it, and I think if I was able to do that he would find it more manageable.

 

 

The next thing that I found out we are having problems with is distance. this is a tricky one. He only lives an hour away currently, but I'm moving back into my parents house over the summer, which is about two and a half hours from him. Also, i'm planning to spend four or five months in America next year, and it seems likely that he won't be able to visit. The only thing that I feel about this is that the problems started when we stopped video calling, and all our communication when we were apart was just messaging. I don't know if this is the reason that distance has been tricky for us, I don't know if it would improve and I don't know whether he would cope with me being in America.

 

 

The final thing is that he struggles to talk to me about problems in the relationship. Both times problems have came up, he has tried to hide it, or treated me a bit differently, and then when I noticed there was a problem, he reacted by saying he doesn't know whether he wants to be with me and this is the second time this happens, last time he decided he wanted to stay and this time he said he didn't. I think he is afraid to communicate openly about these things with me and that's a big problem. I don't know if its workable, I want to think it is, but equally I'm nervous about this happening again every time there is any problem and I'm not sure what I can do to encourage him to communicate about problems in the relationship.

 

 

anyways, it seems pretty hopeless, but as I say this was probably the best relationship I've had (after being in toxic and abusive ones). I love him so much and I feel so much happiness around him (and he feels the same!), we still have real feelings for each other, but I don't know that these problems are fixable. I don't want to make any rash decisions about getting back together, but as of now I'm completely sat on the fence.

 

Curious, why do you think it would be a "rash decision" to get back together with him?

[JustAGirlx]

Curious, why do you think it would be a "rash decision" to get back together with him?

 

We literally broke up yesterday, so I feel its better to give it some time. I feel that doubting is part of breaking up so I want to make sure I'm making the right choices

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear about the depression OP. I truly sympathise as I am a fellow sufferer. Medication can help but of course you don't have to have that. It has to be your choice. If one antidepressant does not help, another might. I have found that out from long experience of different meds.

 

If your (now) ex is not sure he wants to be with you, it is best to leave him alone to work things out and for you to assume he will not be there. I doubt you would try to persuade him to come back, but that would never be a good idea anyway. Let him miss you and look after yourself for now.

 

Can you ask to see a different counsellor at uni? A different counsellor can make a huge difference. I can't imagine that a good counsellor would tell you what to do. If you know your sleep pattern is causing you problems, then it up to you to work out what would help you (with the support of a counsellor) not to be told you should do this. You need a non-directive counsellor.

 

I hope you get some support at this time. Depression is very difficult to deal with and I know from personal experience that sometimes a relationship can feel like too much to deal with. If your partner cannot cope with your depression - and many people do not understand, let's face it - then it would be best to learn from this (with the help of a good counsellor) and forge a different and better future. It is possible. Break-ups hurt but you can learn a lot from them and find a better situation with someone more understanding and supportive.