Jilly10340 Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 So me and my bf have been having problems for a couple of months now. We had been dating for 8 months and for the first 5 or 6 months he was really sweet, the nicest anyone has ever been to me. After that, it all started to go downhill. We had a problem in our relationship which caused me to lose my trust in him, which led to fighting, etc. We've been trying to fix things for about a month now, but nothing seems to work. He's so mean to me all the time, and has said and done stuff that I wouldn't even think he was capable of. I know he's not a bad person but now he doesn't even try to be nice to me. All I do is cry, and beg him to stop being mean to me and treat me with respect but he never changes. I don't understand why he's like this now. I don't know how someone can so completely change I've told him several times to just not call me and leave me alone until he can be nice to me again but I always end up calling him and trying to work things out. He says that he loves me and wants to work things out but then we argue again and again. He goes from extremely apologetic to extremely hateful within hours honestly. If I never called him I don't even know if he would bother to call me. So yesterday I tried to talk to him and tell him how I feel and how hurt I am but he got mean again so I told him just to never call me again. I guess I need advice on how to NOT call him, how to be strong, and stick to my convictions. Sometimes I just want to break down and call him. I don't know how to stop myself from doing that. I mean, if he really loves me, he'll call me right? And if he doesn't, then it's just best to move on? I just feel so hurt, and I don't know what to do. I really just feel lost without him, but I'm the only one who seems to really try in this relationship. I really love him and thought he was different.
JS17 Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Yeah, it sucks when a relationship ends, it just does. You know that you need to be strong and cut off contact with him because it only hurts you when you talk to him and you need to do what's best for you. You asked for advice on how to be strong / not talk to him...one thing that I like to do when going through a breakup is write in my journal all the things I want to say to the guy. It's a release, I'm getting it out without contacting him. Eventually you will get tired of writing and the hurtful feelings will fade. good luck
Art_Critic Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Sounds like you need some time away from the situation to figure out where you stand . If you decide to get back with him.. Be honest with him and tell him your feelings about how he treated you. and don't except anything but extreme honesty from him good luck
NewLee40 Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 You need to know ....really know... that he did not change. This is who he is and how he treats women. You only saw him on his best behavior. Once he "had you" all that facade came down. Now, he's got you and he can keep you hanging around without even trying. This scene is so predictable, so common, and you see it over and over again on LS. Consider you dodged a bullet here, walk away, and don't look back. Anyone capable of treating someone so cruelly is not worth your time. Do you think if he undestood just how hurt you are that he'll repent and change? No way. He already knows and he still persists. The only time he'll really treat you nice again is after you've become so fed up that you have honestly decided to let go. Then he'll come back, and he'll be REAL nice.... Until he has you by the heart again. Trust me on this one.
Author Jilly10340 Posted August 30, 2005 Author Posted August 30, 2005 Well, I don't really think that he will start treating me nice again until he has me and then turn mean again. I know he's not that type of person to string someone along. We don't trust each other, and that makes both of us mean to each other. I've done some stupid things, he's done some stupid things, and he can't seem to let it go and just forgive me. I think he always carries around this anger and it comes out when we have a problem in our relationship. Because every time we argue he brings up old stuff. And I have old anger too, I'm just not as mean as he is bringing it up. I just don't know how to let it go. We used to be so close, closer then I've ever been to anyone. I honestly don't know how it got to be so bad. I used to feel like I knew what he was thinking, what happened to that? I try to comfort myself by telling myself that if he really loves me and wants to be with me, he'll call me right? And if he doesn't, then I'm better off? This really sucks....
Candy Cane Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Oh, I think he'll call. Trust me, he's going to call. So DON'T YOU call him...because why? He's GOING TO CALL. If I'm wrong, you can hunt me down and get a full refund on this valuable advice that I'm about to give you. Now, when he does call. I'd talk to him. See how things go and if he starts to get mean at all, tell him, "Sweetie, gotta pass on the meanness." And then HANG UP. Try this a few times...see if it gets better. If it does get better then I suggest some counceling for the two of you to work through your anger issues. Regardless, you cannot and will not accept anyone being mean to you in any way, shape or form at any time or place. If he wants to talk to you or work through any issues, he will HAVE to be nice. And finally, cheer up. Things are going to be A-OK. I promise.
NewLee40 Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Honey, I know this is hard because you love him. But, understand his meaness is not your fault. You didn't make him mean, what happened between you didn't make him mean, and he won't become not mean just because he loves someone. That meanness is inherent to his character. You may not have seen it in the beginning, because people are more tightly controlled in the beginning - they are on their best behavior. Its when the problems and stresses come in that you start to see what they are like when the walls come down. Do you honestly think you are going to have a life without stress with this guy? That if things just get "straightened" out, he will have no reason to be mean anymore? Stress is a part of life, and unfortunately a part of relationships. Its not the best part, but it it happens. Part of being in a loving and healthy relationship means that you don't resort to meanness or cruelty when you are in the midst of a crisis or disagreement. You need someone who will still treat you with respect, even when he's angry. That is possible. That capacity for meanness is a part of who he is and you can't fix that by just keeping boundaries and not allowing him to be mean to you. It will always creep back in unless HE does something to fix whatever it is in him that makes him that way. I doubt the guy is even capable of seeing it in himself, much less changing it.
AmberAriesMom Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Honey, I know this is hard because you love him. But, understand his meaness is not your fault. You didn't make him mean, what happened between you didn't make him mean, and he won't become not mean just because he loves someone. That meanness is inherent to his character. You may not have seen it in the beginning, because people are more tightly controlled in the beginning - they are on their best behavior. Its when the problems and stresses come in that you start to see what they are like when the walls come down. Do you honestly think you are going to have a life without stress with this guy? That if things just get "straightened" out, he will have no reason to be mean anymore? Stress is a part of life, and unfortunately a part of relationships. Its not the best part, but it it happens. Part of being in a loving and healthy relationship means that you don't resort to meanness or cruelty when you are in the midst of a crisis or disagreement. You need someone who will still treat you with respect, even when he's angry. That is possible. That capacity for meanness is a part of who he is and you can't fix that by just keeping boundaries and not allowing him to be mean to you. It will always creep back in unless HE does something to fix whatever it is in him that makes him that way. I doubt the guy is even capable of seeing it in himself, much less changing it. Ditto on what NewLee said! Sounds like you're in an abusive relationship and he's discovered that no matter what he does to you you'll come running back. Why should he stop that when he's got so much control over you? You HAVE to stop calling him unless it's to call one more time and tell him you've moved on and thanks for the good times, but it's over! A way that might be good to get over him is, like someone else said, journal. Don't write about just the bad things or just the good things. But try writing about the good times you used to have and HOW HE'S CHANGED. With each good thing he used to be like, right behind it you have to say how he's not like that anymore or else your journal will end up convincing you it was all good and you'll go back for that good that isn't really there, OR if you focus on just the bad you'll end up telling yourself you're overreacting and get further confused. Good Luck!
Author Jilly10340 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 I understand what you guys are saying. But I've done my share of mean things to him too. I always used to start little arguments and in the beginning he was always so understanding and we worked it out and let it go. But I guess after time it just wore on him. I just can't help feeling that all this is my fault, and like he's said, I've turned him into the person he is now. It's really hard not to call him. Sometimes I remember how he used to be, so nice and sweet. But then I remember that he's not that way anymore, and if I called then I would just be setting myself up for disappointment. I don't plan on calling, because I always call. I'm the only one who seems to want to work on this relationship. And I know I don't deserve to be treated like this. For it to work, he has to want to work on things too. So he has to be the one to call. On the other hand, it has been two days and no phone call. I don't think he's going to call. How can he say all the things he's said to me (he loves me, I'm his soulmate, blah blah blah) and not call? Just like that? Like out relationship meant nothing?! This is really hard....I go from sad to angry all day. I know I can't call him to work things out but I'm afriad he'll find someone else.....I want to call and beg for forgiveness but I know that how he treats me isn't my fault....I'm so confused. And I do write in a journal, just about whatever I feel at the time. Mostly trying to convince myself not to try to get ahold of him. I have to stick with what I say, and if he's not going to respect me then at least I can respect myself and not call him.
AmberAriesMom Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 What do you mean exactly by 'you would start little arguments'? Were YOU being mean on purpose? Or did arguement come about when you expressed your honest feelings over things?
Author Jilly10340 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 I mean that I have a temper....and in the beginning I would get mad over little things and we would fight for an hour or so then we would work it out and let it go. And then after awhile, he just started being mean back to me and our "little" arguments would just blow up into these huge arguments. This is what's been happening for the past two months. I wasn't being mean on purpose just to hurt him. I just lose my temper sometimes and I say mean things. And I was working on it, and instead of being mean to him I would try to tell him my honest feelings and how I felt. But I guess it was too late. By the time I decided to that, he'd already had enough I guess and he just lost all patience with me. I think that because of how I was in our relationship it just built up and he never really let it go and now recently when I havne't been happy and tried to talk to him about it, he doesn't have any patience with me. He just lashes out now instead of trying to understand. I just feel like everything is my fault and I don't know what to do.
YourUsername Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 He's a loser...he knows he has your heart on a little string.....he has no respect for you. If he truely loved you, you wouldn't feel the way you do. Do you treat loved ones like that? LEAVE HIM A.S.A.P. He will continue to do this and one day your going to wake up and realize the amount of time you wasted on him.
AmberAriesMom Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Oh, well, if it's any consolation to you, I know a couple who LOVE to argue and fight with each other over every little thing. They both like it that way. Don't ask me why.....
jhurtinct Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 :( I just bumbed into your thread looking for someone to talk to about my probs and ur situation sounds so much like mine its scary. I feel for you, chances are it's not your fault, yes I can be difficult to be with sometimes also, as I think everyone has their moments. But it's not my fault my ex-bf/bf whatever he is today treats me the way he does, it's the way he was brought up by his father to treat women, or whatever the case it's not me just as it's not you-Do Not Blame Yourself. These types of men (my brother included because I've seen him do it acouple 20-30 times) start out been what they think you want to see it's not until after they know your into them they start to push to see what they can get away with. Once they get that far they go alittle farther and then on until - either we break or they get bored. The only thing I can come up with is that it's a power trip for them they need to be reminded they are in control and they are men. Everytime we go back because we love them and can't live without them we give them that much more power over us. It's not easy - I'm starting to think we get addicted to it or we are just so used to it that it's seems normal, we forget how we are suppose to be treated. I've had strangers say to me how can you put up with him talking to and treating you like that and the sadest thing is I don't even see it anymore until someone else points it out. I'm not one to give advise because I don't even know what i'm doing in my own situation it's always easier said than done, that's why I'm here. Like I said though, I can relate it's sounds all too familiar.
jc Posted September 1, 2005 Posted September 1, 2005 Hey Jilly, Are you sure that we're not dating the same person? Your bf sounds exactly like my ex-bf... He was the sweetest, nicest guy ever for the first year or so, and like you I have a temper and when I get mad I say things that I don't mean and shouldn't say. But I always apologize and I never say anything really mean to him, just how I'm feeling, etc. We first broke up 1 year ago. He was so so so mean to me, telling me to get out of his house, that he never wanted to see me again, etc. I kept calling and trying to work things out, trying to get him back, blaming myself, hating myself. And it worked (unfortunately). He came back and things were fine for a couple months, then he started to turn mean again. So I gathered up all of my courage and broke up with him. THis was 6 months ago. I stopped calling him and went on with my life. And guess what? He came back on his own this time, saying that he loved me, missed me, we were meant to be together, "as long as it takes, we end up together". This time things were great for a few months. Until he became hurtful and mean again. He didn't call me for a week when my grandfather was dying and I was taking care of him. When I asked him why, he said he had no reason, he just hadn't. I became angry, and rather than apologizing and trying to comfort me, he became mean and hurtful. I stayed for about another week, things getting worse and worse. (lots of different incidents like this). Then I found out (by accident) that he had signed up for Lavalife about 2 months ago while we were together. For sex. I broke up with him again, this time for good. When I told him I new about Lavalife he started laughing. He told me that he hates my guts, he has nothing but contempt for me, if I ever see him again, not to say hello and to just walk on by. And it wasn't really what he said, it was how he said it. I cried and he told me to shut up and stop crying. I begged him not to be so mean and to please treat me with some respect, and he became even angrier and hung up on me. So that's the end of that. I think that that the other posters are right...I dodged a bullet and even though part of me wants to call him and talk to him, there is absolutely no point. He is not going to change. I've now seen this pattern of behavior emerge in him 3 different times. I asked him to go to counselling the 2nd time we got back together and he said he would, but he never did. He is not going to change. Your bf is not going to change. Just think, could you really imagine being married to this person for the rest of your life? Do you really want that? YOU DESERVE MORE. If you need more support you can message me whenever you want. I know how you feel, because I'm going through something similar right now. We just have to be strong enough and move on with our lives. We have to take care of our own happiness first, no one else is going to do that for us.
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 2, 2005 Author Posted September 2, 2005 Well, we've talked since I've started this thread.... I finally found out the reason for his meanness. Like I said I have a temper, and little things set me off, and I say things that are mean in the heat of the moment. When we first started going out and these things happened, he said he just acted like they were no big deal, and that they didn't bother him. But turns out that they do bother him, a lot. He said that over time it just built up and he couldn't take it anymore. So everytime I tried to talk to him, we got into little arguments and he started being mean, I would tell him about my feelings and he thought it sounded accusatory, he would just lash out from the built up anger over all the times I lost me temper with him. He explained how all those times really hurt him, he just figured he would suck it up and "be a man." I went to a counselor the other day just to talk about everything and maybe try to control my temper (because it's always been a problem.) He suggested that he could go with me, but I didn't think that was allowed. My counselor said that she wanted one more session with me and then maybe it would be helpful if he came in. So he told me what he wanted. He said that he wanted to work things out, that he wanted us to try to pick up the pieces and get back to where we belonged, with each other. And he said that if it doesn't work out, he knows that we'll always be good friends and he'll always be there for me. So we're going to try it out. Wish me luck!
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