Redguitar35 Posted May 20, 2018 Posted May 20, 2018 I have been seeing a girl for a month and we have passionate sex. The problem is our schedules. She works at a bar and her work and sleep rhythms are just impossible for me, especially lately. She works and stays up extremely late and sleeps half the day. I work a more traditional full time schedule, am I'm often not available when she wants to spend time together. She also lives in another town about an hour drive from my house. I'm ending up having to turn down her invitations a lot because I just cant stay up that late. Last night she wanted me to come over at 2am in a driving raining storm, and I just couldn’t do that. I could tell she was disappointed, but I did ask her what her schedule was like this upcoming week and said earlier was easier for me. She just said she didn't know. Should I end things with her? She likes me, but our schedules are so different it makes it hard to hang out.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 20, 2018 Posted May 20, 2018 I can't say if you should end things but these kinds of scheduling differences are very difficult for a relationship.
preraph Posted May 20, 2018 Posted May 20, 2018 I was always on an all-night schedule during most of my dating. I managed. I was also always drinking. I learned to take a nap if I had an hour to fortify me for a late night or early morning. I'd sometimes work until 2 am at a record store and then on my only days off, because I was not making enough money, I'd get up early and go run funerals on a motorcycle. I dated a guy with more normal hours than me, but he would stay out late enough for us to have a good evening. I wasn't always on the exact same shift, but I was truly nearly always out at gigs even when I wasn't working. We were young and had lots of energy. Once in awhile, the guy would make it an early night, but more often we both just did catnaps or whatever so we could see each other. The subject was never discussed, really, or became an issue.
smackie9 Posted May 20, 2018 Posted May 20, 2018 It's not your schedules, it's the one hour drive is the issue. If you lived closer, she would be available to meet you after work and spend time together before her shift. I had bfs come into the club I worked at to hang out with their friends, and chat with me etc, then they would get home at a decent hour for work the next day. They made time to see me. I also had some short shifts which freed up some time as well.
alphamale Posted May 20, 2018 Posted May 20, 2018 Should I end things with her? She likes me, but our schedules are so different it makes it hard to hang out. hell no, you have great sex and she lives an hour away. that's the perfect situation... 1
act00 Posted May 21, 2018 Posted May 21, 2018 Schedules that are so opposite are a problem, and the time and distance would be a major problem for me, at least if I was the one that had to do the driving. I'm in more traditional job, but I work really early, so I also go to bed early. That limits time, particularly if there is drive time you need to factor in. Having a standing date one night a week worked out okay to a degree, but I wondered how long that would last when the guy's one night a week he had free, he was pretty much obligated to date night. That can be trying on a relationship as well. I've been there. Not having a weekend night where you don't have to worry about work the next day and you can stay up late is difficult too. I don't know that you need to break up, but you might find the relationship just naturally fades out. She or you may seek someone more available, and you may find it harder and harder to make the drive. Can she come to you as well? You'll have to determine if this is what you want or can work with long-term. Casual or serious? It can work with some work, but it's not easy.
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2018 Posted May 21, 2018 This is what happens when you date people in hospitality. They work when other's play & have off when conventional people are at work. It was wrong of her to ask you to come to her. She should have offered to come to you. She was more wide awake, unless she had been drinking as she shut down the bar for the night. Is this her career or something she is doing while in school? If her schedule will never change, it will be tough to maintain a relationship with the varied hours. If she will be out of the business at some point, & you really like her, see if you can ride it out. Do not ask her to change careers.
Author Redguitar35 Posted May 22, 2018 Author Posted May 22, 2018 This is what happens when you date people in hospitality. They work when other's play & have off when conventional people are at work. It was wrong of her to ask you to come to her. She should have offered to come to you. She was more wide awake, unless she had been drinking as she shut down the bar for the night. Yes, I asked why don’t you come over, but she said she didn’t want to and that she wanted me to come to her! I got annoyed with that and just ended the conversation. Also, she’s so spontaneous. I’ll get a text from her at like midnight on a Sunday asking me come over and hang out immediately. She’s not the most considerate now that you mention it. Is this her career or something she is doing while in school? If her schedule will never change, it will be tough to maintain a relationship with the varied hours. If she will be out of the business at some point, & you really like her, see if you can ride it out. Do not ask her to change careers. She didn’t finish college, so this service gig is basically her career right now. She says she’s happy with her job, and I get no indication she wants to change it or her lifestyle.
Author Redguitar35 Posted May 22, 2018 Author Posted May 22, 2018 It's not your schedules, it's the one hour drive is the issue. If you lived closer, she would be available to meet you after work and spend time together before her shift. Yes, i could see myself being more able to come right over if she lived twenty minutes down the road.
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2018 Posted May 22, 2018 If this is her "spontaneous" life only you can judge whether you want to be part of it. Heaven knows it won't be boring but at some point only you know if it will be too much.
PegNosePete Posted May 22, 2018 Posted May 22, 2018 I’ll get a text from her at like midnight on a Sunday asking me come over and hang out immediately. She’s not the most considerate now that you mention it. And she knows your schedule, right? Yes it's utterly ridiculous of her to ask you to come over at that time. Seems to me that you're a friend with benefits with more emphasis on the "benefits" than the "friend". Keep that up if you're having fun but I wouldn't go catching feelings on this one.
Els Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 If the best things you can say about your relationship are that you "have passionate sex" and "she likes you", it probably isn't worth sticking it out. Scheduling difficulties or distance can be overcome, but you need a helluva lot more than that for it to be worth it.
ItsJustMyOpinion Posted May 25, 2018 Posted May 25, 2018 You know how many relationships experience cheating because of distance or scheduling conflicts? Don't break up with her. Keep it fun and casual. If she wants you that badly and wants more from the relationship, she'll let you know.
Purrrfect Posted May 26, 2018 Posted May 26, 2018 I dated a guy last year who worked a night shift and lived an hour away. Needless to say it didn’t last.
Author Redguitar35 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Posted June 10, 2018 (edited) I just told this girl I've been seeing and having problems with that we're over and blocked her. I don't need her. This means I'm probably too old to find someone, but I don't care. I had 30 years to find a relationship and it never works out. I'm just going to stop fighting it. No matter what I do it'll never become a successful relationship and I accept that. One night stands when i'm in the mood, but that's it. I don't care anymore. Edited June 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 10, 2018 Posted June 10, 2018 I just told this girl I've been seeing and having problems with that we're over and blocked her. I don't need her. This means I'm probably too old to find someone, but I don't care. I had 30 years to find a relationship and it never works out. I'm just going to stop fighting it. No matter what I do it'll never become a successful relationship and I accept that. One night stands when i'm in the mood, but that's it. I don't care anymore. You're 30 years old and think that's too old to find someone?
Author Redguitar35 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Posted June 10, 2018 (edited) You're 30 years old and think that's too old to find someone? I do. Every relationship I've ever tried has ended negatively. It's just not gonna happen for me. I'm probably going to die alone. I'm just not right for relationships. I don't even think this was a real relationship. We dated for a couple months, and I'm not gonna miss her. Edited June 10, 2018 by Redguitar35
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 10, 2018 Posted June 10, 2018 I do. Every relationship I've ever tried has ended negatively. It's just not gonna happen for me. I'm probably going to die alone. I'm just not right for relationships. I don't even think this was a real relationship. We dated for a couple months, and I'm not gonna miss her. If that's the kind of attitude you'd rather have than a fulfilling and loving relationship, have at it. You know full well that 30 is not too old for a relationship. 1
Author Redguitar35 Posted June 10, 2018 Author Posted June 10, 2018 (edited) If that's the kind of attitude you'd rather have than a fulfilling and loving relationship, have at it. You know full well that 30 is not too old for a relationship. If it hasn't happened in 30 years, what reason is there to believe it will in the next 30 years? Hope? I don't count on that kind of thing. I've never met anyone who was worth having a relationship with. Edited June 10, 2018 by Redguitar35
TheFinalWord Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 Yes, I asked why don’t you come over, but she said she didn’t want to and that she wanted me to come to her! I got annoyed with that and just ended the conversation. Also, she’s so spontaneous. I’ll get a text from her at like midnight on a Sunday asking me come over and hang out immediately. She’s not the most considerate now that you mention it. Dated a girl like that for a while. She was super hot, so I did it for a while. But after awhile, it gets old. I've found I a more of a planner. I do like spontaneity, but when it gets to be a regular thing, you start feeling like the person is selfish. It's their way, and they don't think about how their decisions impact you. BTW, you may just be the first on her rollex, but it sounds like you're a FWB. When you don't respond, she just hits up the next guy. I don't think you're hopeless for relationships, you just need to find someone that has a compatible lifestyle.
Logo Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 If it hasn't happened in 30 years, what reason is there to believe it will in the next 30 years? Hope? I don't count on that kind of thing. I've never met anyone who was worth having a relationship with. That’s easy. We grow, evolve, learn and improve every day. We learn from our mistakes. Don’t be defeatist. That’s my job.
smackie9 Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 That's what dating is all about...finding the one but you have to weed your way through it. You still have plenty of time to meet someone. Maybe be more realistic about the expectations....different shifts, and distance would be a deal breaker for me. Hope you have learned more about what you want and expect out of a relationship from this experience.
Gaeta Posted June 11, 2018 Posted June 11, 2018 If it hasn't happened in 30 years, what reason is there to believe it will in the next 30 years? Hope? I don't count on that kind of thing. I've never met anyone who was worth having a relationship with. Excuse me but I work in numbers so your statement gave me hickups........ If you're 30 you have not been looking for a relationship for 30 years. You're being a drama queen when you say that. Considering our brain stops growing at 25 and only from there we can make good judgment call I'll settle this one for you as you've been looking for a relationship for 5 years. Deal? Love can be found at any age, my grand-mother fell in love at 75 and called him the love of her life. So, stop the drama and the self-pity party and start self-analyzing why all your attempts fail. Learn from it, open your mind, think outside the box, try new things but the last thing a woman wants is to come across a whiner. 2
heavenonearth Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 I am 31 and I spent half of my life in bad relationships and dating douchebags. I met my boyfriend at 30 when he was 37. We are super happy now! Stop whining and keep dating. Your attitude may be your biggest problem in finding love.
Els Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 If it hasn't happened in 30 years, what reason is there to believe it will in the next 30 years? Hope? I don't count on that kind of thing. What, did you expect to find someone as a newborn infant??? Plenty of people find love in their 30s and beyond. But if you absolutely insist on that sort of mentality, your prerogative. I've never met anyone who was worth having a relationship with. Have you ever thought about why that is? People "worth having relationships with" don't just drop into your lap, and they certainly don't have relationships with just anyone. To be more precise, they also need someone "worth having a relationship with". The way you talk about the woman you were with and relationships in general indicates that your mentality and thought processes could very easily be offputting to such people. 1
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