It is over

[califlorgian]

I am sorry for all the threads.... hopefully there won't be too many more now. Now I am in the grieving stage.

 

I broke it off with him. Completely. And I don't think he realizes it. I told him that if he needed time to himself to think about what he is going to do after he JUST told me yesterday how deeply in love with me he was and that he was leaving and coming to be with me today....then that was it. I am done.

 

Sure enough, he went to his friends' house tonight after work. Didn't come by here. We talked on the phone for a while. I told him it was our last conversation. That I am not going back after this. I have said similar things to him before.... and he would cry. But I never stopped the contact. I kept seeing him.

 

Not this time. This time I mean it. He doesn't realize it. I told him it was over, completely. He said he wasn't giving up. He just needs this time to himself. Well..... I needed him to keep his promises. I needed him to be there for me so many times. I needed him to make me believe that was he was telling me was true. He couldn't do that for me. So I am now washing my hands clean of him, for good.

 

There is no turning back now. And when I finally hung up with him, I realized it was for good. And I have been hysterically bawling ever since. It hurts so bad. This is the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Worse than when I broke up with my ex boyfriend of a year and a half who was my first real love. This pain is so unbearable. I really don't know what I am going to do with myself. I am hurting so bad.

 

It's hard to think that anyone else could be feeling the excruciating pain I am feeling right now in my heart... in my chest. I hurt so bad. I ache. I am going to miss him so f*cking much. I would have done anything for him. Anything. I gave up a chunk of my life for him. My young life. I am 21 years old.... 20 when we first started dating. I could have been out there partying, dating, having the time of my life. But no. I instead decided to let myself be manipulated and taken over by a 40 year old, alcoholic (we won't get into what else he does...), serial cheater. Why?? Why did I allow him to stomp all over my heart like that?

 

What is wrong with me? When will this pain stop? Last time I went through heartbreak I just packed up my things and moved. Obligations I have now are stopping me from doing so now..... plus, I can't just run from my problems every time my life goes to sh*t.

 

I have decided to go COMPLETELY NC. None at all. I blocked him from my messenger list. I am not going to take his calls. If he calls incessantly, I will get a new number. If he shows up at my door.....well..... it is going to be so hard and I am going to be hysterical on the other side of the door.... but I am not going to answer it.

 

I wasn't playing this time, Danny. I really wasn't. I hope you realize the magnitude of what has happened tonight.

 

And you wanna know the honest truth? I wouldn't have been able to do it if it wasn't for this website. If it wasn't for seeing everyone else's experiences and getting advice on my own situation. If I didn't have the support from you guys and the empathy and knowing that other people are going through the same thing.... there is no way I could have done it. You guys.... please keep me strong. Please help me to not talk to him. To not answer that call. To not answer the door. Please keep me away from him. You are all I have right now. Without you all (and God).... I would crumble. I am already falling to pieces. My heart is shattered right now.

 

Sorry for all the rambling.... I just don't know what I am going to do. I am so lonely and so sad and so devastated and so heartbroken. I don't know what I am going to do.

 

If he thinks he can come over tomorrow.... or the day after.... or any day after that.... he has another thing coming.

 

I said the following to his wife and then blocked his screen name and took him off my contact list:

 

califlorgian : i have just made a very important and monumental decision that should now make your life and his life a whole lot easier. i am sorry for what i have put you through. i am not crazy, as rick says (rick is my old manager that saw me lose it the night i was drunk), i just have severe emotional problems. a lot of them caused from your husband. this is the last time you will see my screen name online, as i am adding ******** to my ignore list so he cannot contact me again. i will not answer calls from his cell or your house. i will not go by masters if i know he will be there at all that day. i am washing my hands clean of this. completely and for real this time. i am not putting myself through anymore pain. i am sorry for what i have put your family through. you will all be in my prayers. thank you for being a good person, chris....

 

 

It's just so hard to fathom that it is really over. Deep inside, my heart doesn't want to believe that it is. But I have to let my head make my decisions for now and leave my heart out of it for the time being. For the sake of my sanity and my future.

[erika2610]

I am sorry for all the threads.... hopefully there won't be too many more now. Now I am in the grieving stage.

 

I broke it off with him. Completely. And I don't think he realizes it. I told him that if he needed time to himself to think about what he is going to do after he JUST told me yesterday how deeply in love with me he was and that he was leaving and coming to be with me today....then that was it. I am done.

 

Sure enough, he went to his friends' house tonight after work. Didn't come by here. We talked on the phone for a while. I told him it was our last conversation. That I am not going back after this. I have said similar things to him before.... and he would cry. But I never stopped the contact. I kept seeing him.

 

Not this time. This time I mean it. He doesn't realize it. I told him it was over, completely. He said he wasn't giving up. He just needs this time to himself. Well..... I needed him to keep his promises. I needed him to be there for me so many times. I needed him to make me believe that was he was telling me was true. He couldn't do that for me. So I am now washing my hands clean of him, for good.

 

There is no turning back now. And when I finally hung up with him, I realized it was for good. And I have been hysterically bawling ever since. It hurts so bad. This is the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Worse than when I broke up with my ex boyfriend of a year and a half who was my first real love. This pain is so unbearable. I really don't know what I am going to do with myself. I am hurting so bad.

 

It's hard to think that anyone else could be feeling the excruciating pain I am feeling right now in my heart... in my chest. I hurt so bad. I ache. I am going to miss him so f*cking much. I would have done anything for him. Anything. I gave up a chunk of my life for him. My young life. I am 21 years old.... 20 when we first started dating. I could have been out there partying, dating, having the time of my life. But no. I instead decided to let myself be manipulated and taken over by a 40 year old, alcoholic (we won't get into what else he does...), serial cheater. Why?? Why did I allow him to stomp all over my heart like that?

 

What is wrong with me? When will this pain stop? Last time I went through heartbreak I just packed up my things and moved. Obligations I have now are stopping me from doing so now..... plus, I can't just run from my problems every time my life goes to sh*t.

 

I have decided to go COMPLETELY NC. None at all. I blocked him from my messenger list. I am not going to take his calls. If he calls incessantly, I will get a new number. If he shows up at my door.....well..... it is going to be so hard and I am going to be hysterical on the other side of the door.... but I am not going to answer it.

 

I wasn't playing this time, Danny. I really wasn't. I hope you realize the magnitude of what has happened tonight.

 

And you wanna know the honest truth? I wouldn't have been able to do it if it wasn't for this website. If it wasn't for seeing everyone else's experiences and getting advice on my own situation. If I didn't have the support from you guys and the empathy and knowing that other people are going through the same thing.... there is no way I could have done it. You guys.... please keep me strong. Please help me to not talk to him. To not answer that call. To not answer the door. Please keep me away from him. You are all I have right now. Without you all (and God).... I would crumble. I am already falling to pieces. My heart is shattered right now.

 

Sorry for all the rambling.... I just don't know what I am going to do. I am so lonely and so sad and so devastated and so heartbroken. I don't know what I am going to do.

 

If he thinks he can come over tomorrow.... or the day after.... or any day after that.... he has another thing coming.

 

I said the following to his wife and then blocked his screen name and took him off my contact list:

 

califlorgian : i have just made a very important and monumental decision that should now make your life and his life a whole lot easier. i am sorry for what i have put you through. i am not crazy, as rick says (rick is my old manager that saw me lose it the night i was drunk), i just have severe emotional problems. a lot of them caused from your husband. this is the last time you will see my screen name online, as i am adding ******** to my ignore list so he cannot contact me again. i will not answer calls from his cell or your house. i will not go by masters if i know he will be there at all that day. i am washing my hands clean of this. completely and for real this time. i am not putting myself through anymore pain. i am sorry for what i have put your family through. you will all be in my prayers. thank you for being a good person, chris....

 

 

It's just so hard to fathom that it is really over. Deep inside, my heart doesn't want to believe that it is. But I have to let my head make my decisions for now and leave my heart out of it for the time being. For the sake of my sanity and my future.

 

I'm so mad.. I just sent ya this big long PM, and it says you can't receive them Anyways.. firstly hun, you're too pretty to be with a MM.. they're such scum. Secondly, you will get through this, trust me. It'll be tough.. but it'll get easier. I was with my MM for a year, and he chased me for a year before that. The first time we broke up, I was devastated. I thought my life was over. It was awful. And we worked together, so he broke up with me at work. What a swell guy. We got back together a few months later, but after a while I decided I couldn't handle it. We stopped speaking for a few days, and he called me.. I didn't return his call. I just walked away and never looked back. I decided I was too good for it. I was 24 and he was 40. Now I look back on the whole thing and wonder what in the heck I was thinking. Just keep yourself busy. Workout.. go out for a girls night out. The key is just keep yourself busy. And you can never post too much I didn't have anybody when my relationship ended.. my family basically abandoned me. I moved out into my own apartment just to be with him! And right after I moved in, we were done So this's a great place to come when you're in need of people to talk to. And nothing is wrong with you.. it's perfectly normal to be feeling the way you are. Most of us know the feeling all too well. We basically put our lives on hold for the MM, and for the most part get nothing back but heartache. It's just not worth it..

[upsetnhurt]

Calif,

 

We are all proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. The situation you found yourself in was one in which there was no question that you would end up hurt, the only question was when that would happen. Props to you for deciding that now is the time to face reality and move on. Know that you can't go back as you have taken such a huge step forward toward living again! Accept the heartbreak and loneliness as these are normal feelings to go through and use this time to really focus on what you want in your life going forward. We are all going through similar feelings, hell I have been up since 3am unable to sleep due to heartbreak. Just realize that you and only you have the ability to change your life for the better. Best of luck and keep writing as I too find it quite therapeutic.

[Art_Critic]

You have made the best decision for you and showed a maturity of a 40 year old.

 

I'm sorry you had to go thru this but by taking the power back and making decisions for you you have increased the likelyhood of creating a happy life for you by 1000%.

 

Keep up the NC and keep posting here instead of calling him or answering his calls

[TheDiva]

I'm so sorry that your hurting, but you have really made the best decision for you.

 

Stay strong, Keep up the NC, and remember you have intelligence, beauty and youth on your side and your life can and will be sooooo much better without him around to bring you down! There is a man out there somewhere that will treat you the way you should be treated and you will find him one day when you are ready for now grieve and stick to your guns.

 

Post all you need to, you have to get it out somewhere, write in a journal, make some art, do ANYTHING you can to take your mind off of him and one day with all these people on LS and God's help you will be like....

 

"MM WHO?"

[Miffy]

Sorry Cali, have missed your story on here, how come his wife knows, are you a friend of hers - I am confused.

[Ladyjane14]

Good decision. It may be hard to stay with NC initially, but the longer you do.....the easier it will get.

 

You deserve better than to be the antidote for some 40-year-old guy's midlife crisis. You're young. So, why not BE young while you can? There's plenty of time later for committed relationships, kids, and mortgages. Why go down that ready-made road....when you can cut your own path?

 

I think that if you'll take the time to google the words male midlife crisis, you'll find ALOT of info that helps you understand what the heck was in his head.....and unfortunately, how he's been using you to assuage some of that.

 

It might be hard on you to see it at first, but you'll feel better once you've made a thorough study of it.

 

You're only 21....but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. You're a young adult, but you ARE an adult. Stay strong in your NC. You'll be back to square one everytime you break it.

[mopar crazy]

I am so very sorry. I know it's not easy and I know it doesn't take the pain away but you did the right thing.

 

I know the pain you feel, I felt that pain when my H had an A and it's the worst feeling in the world but the pain will lessen. It wont be anytime soon, but it will get better.

 

You are such a beautiful woman and I know you will find the right guy some day. You are still young, enjoy your life and date all the men you want until you find that right person.

 

You are a very strong woman to end a relationship w/ a man you loved and cared about so much. It wasn't easy, I know (been there, done that).

 

Take care and post anytime for support.

[califlorgian]

Thank all of you soooooo very much. It feels so nice and comforting to have support from you guys. It means so much. I am going to take all of your advice. It was all very good. Very encouraging. This is proving to be hard... as I relapsed yesterday.... which I will post about in a minute. But thank you so much for your encouragement and support. If I didn't have it, I would not feel much hope for myself. You will all never know how much it means to me. Seriously.