Wife Does Not Appreciate (Inexpensive) Gift

[Scubagerber]

Hello all,

 

So I've got a situation that I am looking for insight on because I am just completely baffled. My mother lives in New York so I flew up there over the weekend to visit her on Mothers Day and got back last night, while my wife remained home. While I was there, I visited Kohl's and purchased an inexpensive necklace that I thought she might like. I found two that I was deciding in between, it was the same design but one was silver and the other was rose gold, which matched her iPhone. In the end, I picked the silver because I thought that it might be easier to match outfits with it. The gift was inexpensive, as we have just purchased our first home in April and I'm working on rebuilding our savings as a security.

 

When I gave it to her, she asked me how much I spent on it. I was a little irritated that she asked because I was always taught when I was younger that that was a rude question, but I told her it cost $15. She then gets angry and equivocates.

 

Her position was that if I loved her that I would only give her the best. Essentially she was saying that the amount of money that I spend on jewelry for is an accurate representation of how much I loved her, and that if I was going to buy things like this, then I may as well not purchase it for her.

 

Is anyone willing to provide their perspective on my situation?

[d0nnivain]

Her attitude sucks but cheap jewelry is . . . , well, cheap. Quality costume jewelry can be nice but it's rarely a good gift.

 

Your heart was in the right place. Your thoughtfulness is lovely. You head is clearly in the right place on the finances, maybe. How much did the flight to see your mom cost? You may have been better served, sending your mother something & spending the cost of the plane ticket on your wife

 

You would have better served getting her $15 worth of flowers or something else that looks more "present-y".

 

Sit her down & talk to her about your thought process & her lousy attitude. Explain how much her reaction hurt your feelings.

 

There are ways to handle bad gifts & ways to make your husband feel like a jerk. When we were 1st married my husband bought me the most god-awful tops from the "mature women's" section of the department store. These things were so frumpy his mother wouldn't have been caught dead in them. But he went out of his way to pick my favorite color & I saw both the effort & expectation in his eyes. He wanted me to like them sooooo much but oh, they were just dreadful. I quietly took them back & bought myself cute stuff but when anybody asked I praised him for getting me the cute outfits. When he pulled me aside to point out that my version wasn't exactly accurate I assured him that he did buy the cute stuff because he paid for it, even if I had to tweak it. I think he really appreciated my face saving approach to gifts I didn't like because they always showed him in the best light & helped to solidify that I loved him more then stuff.

[Happy Lemming]

To Scubagerber, I feel your pain.

 

A couple of weeks ago, my long term girlfriend broke her watch. As a nice gesture, I picked her up a new one (no special occasion, she just needed a working watch). Upon receiving the new watch, she stated she liked it; much more than the one that had broke.

 

She asked me how much I paid for it and I wouldn't answer her, so she googled it and found out it was modestly priced and not very expensive.

 

Again, I was accused of being cheap. I tried to do a nice thing and provide her with a pretty working watch, but because it wasn't super expensive, I got kicked in the teeth.

[d0nnivain]

Happy Lemming -- that sucks & it's so wrong.

 

Maybe I'm weird. I asked DH for a knock off cheap watch ($125) a few years ago for Christmas. He bought me the real thing at a cost of thousands. I cried & wanted to freak out. I begged him to take it back because it was too much & I'd be terrified to wear it in public. I really hurt his feelings. I have since apologized profusely & I wear the watch with pride but rarely if I'm out without him. I'm just too afraid of getting mugged.

 

I guess guys can't win for losing.

[Els]

It's possible that your wife is unappreciative and a horrible person.

 

 

That said, this sounds so much out of the left field that I can't help but wonder if there's something else going on behind this. Is there any long-running issue in your relationship that she's resentful about? Does she feel like you are always prioritizing your mother over her or something?

[somanymistakes]

I doubt that it's just the money.

 

Most of the time IME when people get this upset about a gift it's because they think that you put nothing into it - no money, no time, and no thought. The classic example is the husband who completely forgets to buy a gift for his wife's birthday and therefore swings past a drugstore on the way home and grabs some cheap jewelry from the rack by the checkout. This is often viewed as insulting.

 

Beyond that, I'd have to know her better. Do you have kids? If you spent mother's day with your mom and then celebrated your wife as a mother with just a little trinket, she may feel slighted in comparison. She may simply be sulking because you were gone, and is blaming the jewelry even though that isn't really what's bothering her.

 

Some women hate being given cheap jewelry because they feel like they can't refuse it, it's a gift, but they also can't wear it because it looks bad and others would judge them for it, so it just clutters up their collection. Many people would rather have a few pieces of very special jewelry rather than a lot of pieces of junky jewelry.

 

If she thinks the necklace resembles something her eighth-grade boyfriend would have given her, she may see it as a sign that you're not taking her seriously as an adult.

 

Jewelry can be a very tricky thing for partners to buy if they don't have a deep sense of their partner's tastes. You definitely don't want to buy something exspensive and have her hate it!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Happy Lemming -- that sucks & it's so wrong.

 

Maybe I'm weird. I asked DH for a knock off cheap watch ($125) a few years ago for Christmas. He bought me the real thing at a cost of thousands. I cried & wanted to freak out. I begged him to take it back because it was too much & I'd be terrified to wear it in public. I really hurt his feelings. I have since apologized profusely & I wear the watch with pride but rarely if I'm out without him. I'm just too afraid of getting mugged.

 

I guess guys can't win for losing.

 

This would totally be me, especially with a watch (since I don't wear them). I'm more of a Gap and Old Navy kind of gal so expensive jewelry just does nothing for me. I suppose if it was something I cared about, like a cell phone or a new diswasher, I might be annoyed if my man skimped on cost instead of getting me something of good quality.

[Zinfandel]

Most of the time IME when people get this upset about a gift it's because they think that you put nothing into it

 

This a thousand times. I suspect this is the issue.

[ICEMAN69]

Pretty sad response from your wife. Love isn't about "how much" you spend but the fact that you were thinking about her. She sounds a bit high maintenance to me.

 

My wife has never been someone who needs expensive jewelry. Outside of her diamond ring she's always maintained a pretty modest collection of earrings, necklaces, and such.

 

I would feel just like you if I was asked "how much" I spent or if what I spent on someone was criticized.

[ICEMAN69]

I tried to do a nice thing and provide her with a pretty working watch, but because it wasn't super expensive, I got kicked in the teeth.

 

More like kicked in the nuts actually

[bathtub-row]

It's completely tacky for anyone - wife, brother, gf, mom, husband, friend, sister, etc - to ask how much someone paid for a gift. Perhaps in the case of a spouse where money may be an issue, I can see where the question might be appropriate if the gift seemed overly pricey.

 

Your should've been kinder about how she reacted. A gift is a gift and it should be received graciously. She was thoughtless about your feelings.

Edited May 20, 2018 by bathtub-row

[preraph]

Very rude to ask you how much you spent. I mean, the gracious thing would have been to let you see her wearing it once or twice and then retire it and then wait until it's forgotten and just make your preferences known maybe when you're together window shopping sometime. "You know, I really like some of the costume jewelry out there because it's so much more colorful than the real gems, but I find it just turns dark in a few months. Real silver does too, but you can clean it, unlike costume jewelry. Gold never turns color, which is why it's so expensive, i guess."

 

I mean, there's ways to educate someone without acting ungrateful.

 

For what it's worth, I used to only wear real gold or silver when young, but certainly couldn't afford much. Now I'm older, I really enjoy some inexpensive costume jewelry from my inexpensive clothing store I frequent. It doesn't last long, but it's fun while it lasts. It's one thing if you're in a social or business circle where you must keep up appearances and dress for success. But if that isn't the case, there really is no excuse for being so direct about it and hurting your feelings. Most guys would't have brought back anything at all.....

[awesomeblondie]

Did you discuss your trip with your wife? Also is she a mother? If your wife was not okay with taking the trip for financial reasons, then I can see why she would be upset that you spent a large sum of money on a trip, but then got her a cheap gift.

 

Also if she is a mother, and especially if she's the mother of your child, then I can also see why she could be upset that you left her on Mother's day. This one is tough though, because if you couldn't celebrate with your own mother and the mother of your child, how do you choose? I can see this being a lose-lose situation.

 

Otherwise, if she did not express being against spending money on your trip, and she's not a mother - then her reaction is completely uncalled for.

 

Her position was that if I loved her that I would only give her the best. Essentially she was saying that the amount of money that I spend on jewelry for is an accurate representation of how much I loved her, and that if I was going to buy things like this, then I may as well not purchase it for her.

 

This materialistic perspective makes her sound like a spoiled child. Love is not equal to the money spent on a gift. That's not how a healthy marriage works. If she can't understand then she needs to grow up, or she will be sorely disappointed by life as a whole.

[William]

It appears this new member posted and never returned so we'll leave the thread open for general comments on giving/receiving inexpensive gifts. Thanks!