TheFaithfulWife Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Some of you may know my story already. I was cheated on by my husband of 17 years, almost three years ago. He went into an affair with a woman in scouting and they had planned on booting me out the door and keeping my 5 boys with them. He moved out for six months and filed for divorce. We decided to go to counseling and give our marriage another try and here we are almost three years later still together and still working on resolving issues. Now comes the reason I am back here writing: I have kept in contact with my former boyfriends parents for the last 25 years. I was with their son for six years from the time I was 16 until I was 22. It was thought we would get married but as both of us were so young things did not work out that way. Well recently I was informed that his father was on the verge of dying and this past weekend I went for a visit, I have not seen his family except once in 15 years. When I called to see how his father was faring I was asked by his mother if I could come see the father as he had always cared deeply for me. I went to see the father and he was so excited to see me that it brought tears to my eyes. The old man broke out into a huge grin despite his pain from cancer. It was a heartwarming visit and there were many old memories brought back. His father told me that I was the only girl that was right for his son, then he lapsed back into a semi- concious state. About an hour later the son showed up and it was uncomfortable at first, we hadn't seen one another in years. But as the hours flew by, 5 to be exact. We started falling back into our old comfort zone. He began looking at me like he used to and he took me out to the garage and asked me if I recognized the car there. When I looked unsure he said" you'd better recogonize it" with a huge grin on his face ( in the past we spent many hours in it making out and more). I was amazed that after gaining as much weight as I have (100 pounds+) that he was flirting and looking at me like he wanted to devour me. I was flattered at first but as time went on I realized that the spark we had "hadn't" died and it was flaming hotter than ever. When I went to leave he ignored my proffered hand and took me into a huge embrace. He watched me as I left and ignored other relatives that were present, he was doing that the whole time I was visiting. I discovered that later I was still seeing his eyes in my mind and I even dreamed about him. I thought about all the years that I have been with my husband and realized that I was happier in those few moments with my ex then I have been during my whole marriage. Now I am wondering if I have made a huge mistake in remaining in my marriage? Am I just feeling strong emotions due to the circumstances? ( His father's dying and just seeing them all again?) or am I finally seeing the path I should have taken from the very beginning? HELP! I will not pursue anything in the way of a relationship with my ex unless my marriage is dissolved. But how would I determine if I indeed still have genuine feelings for him? this is so confusing. And as for my husband, after fighting our way though his affair is this something I am doing subconciously to sabotage what we worked to rebuild because I am still angry? Need Imput! TheFaithfulwife
quankanne Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 this all sounds so very romantic, but your post is filled with the kind of questions someone in a situation like this *should* be thinking about, and that kind of indicates to me that you take your marriage much, much more seriously than not and want to do right by it. you mention that you and your husband have spent the last three years working on resolving issues -- how is your marriage faring? Has it grown stronger because the both of you have been "through the fire," so to speak? Or is it something you're doing because you're supposed to be saving a marriage but your heart isn't in it? those are the real questions ... because as much as it did your heart and inner self good to be seen as that attractive and desirable woman the same way your old boyfriend did when y'all were together, a relationship with him isn't the real issue. if your marriage is on the right track (i.e., getting stronger even though it got stomped on awhile back), just keep your memories in the back of your mind, just something to smile about from time to time, and nothing more. on the other hand, having that positive reinforcement from your ex and his family might be the encouragement you need to consider making a break from a bad relationship that's gone on too long. That doesn't necessarily mean you go from marriage to divorce and a relationship with the ex, only that you can see yourself through different eyes ... I feel like I'm making a mess of this trying to explain things, but the bottom line is this: where does your marriage stand? Is it stronger, and still improving, or is it something else? until you can answer that, everything else is unimportant.
Author TheFaithfulWife Posted August 30, 2005 Author Posted August 30, 2005 Quankanne, you didn't ramble in the slightest and brought up some good points. I never considered the thought of just breaking off the marriage and not pursuing the ex. Guess I always feel I need a man in my life:p I think that one of the reasons I stayed in this marriage was because there was no one else I even considered as a mate. I have never been without a man for more than 2 months, always a boyfriend or a potential one hanging about. I have never even lived on my own until the 6 months my husband was gone and then I still had my 5 boys around. I truthfully think I panicked at the thought of having no one so I went full force into forgiving my husband without any thought whatever to whether I really was happy in my marriage to begin with. You have given me something to think about and I need to evaluate where I am in this marriage and whether it is somewhere I want to be 5 years from now or even 20. Thank you for the post TFW
passinby Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Yep. I think we all arrive there eventually after our H has an affair. At first we go around thinking like we can't possibly live without the man, but eventually, and it's a slow painstaking process, we get around to wondering if we wouldn't really be happier without him. It's a tough place to be in. A big decision. I wish us both well. I'm there also. IT's been five years for me and only now do I feel I can finally let go if I have to without feeling like I'm going to die.
Author TheFaithfulWife Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 Well here I go again The father died two days after I saw him (thank God I saw him in time) I was a total emotional mess. I called to ask after him and found out he passed the night before. The services were this past Thursday and Friday, A Memorial and mass with a luncheon following. I went to both and did my best to remain in the background. Didn't happen.. I was greeted by strangers who, when they found out who I was remarked on how well loved I was by the family. My ex's former wife was there and I felt sorry for her as she was pushed into the background by people coming up and hugging me and thanking me for coming to see the father before he passed, they said I made him very happy. I spent so much time with my ex and his family and I felt like I was part of the family again. And everytime I looked over at my ex I saw his eyes on me. He has been dating an old friend from high school, but when I asked him the day I saw his dad, he said that he was seeing no one. She is a friend that we both had in school and she and I sat together at the luncheon while he sat at the table next to us with his sister and her family. I was a bit confused about why he said he wasn't seeing anyone, yet here I was sitting next to her and she was talking about how he had looked her up and how she was spending three days at his house. She also mentioned how she loved him dearly and had spent the night before in his bed. I was stunned but managed not to show a thing. He kept coming over to me and whispering flirtatious things in my ear and reminding me of all our times together. She began to notice how he was acting and I think she got upset because she stood up abruptly and announced that she was going upstairs to a room that her friend had rented in the hotel that the luncheon was at. She said she was going to take a nap because she had been up all the night before. I think she hoped he would follow and check up on her but he never did. He is not the type of person who flirts with a girl when he has a committed relationship, so I am really not sure what to think. He asked me if he could get my phone number from his mom and I said sure. But I haven't had a call from him yet, It may be that he is taking care of his mom. She has not been doing well and her daughter has been looking after her during the day while my ex has been taking the night shift. I am still very confused about my feelings and I don't know where this is all going or even if it is going to go anywhere. I have called to inquire about his mom but I have only called during the day. I am afraid to talk to him again without him being the one to initiate the call. Am I crazy or what????
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