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Moved across crountry with boyfriend (30) for new life, career dreams and change of s

CHOOSEYSUSEY

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CHOOSEYSUSEY New Member

CHOOSEYSUSEY

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r/relationship_advice

Moved across crountry with boyfriend (30) for new life, career dreams and change of scenery. Regret?

u/CHOOSEYSUSIE

Boyfriend (30) Me- F (25). We moved together after only 5 months of long distance relationship together after meeting one another on a vacation of mine. He immediately for me instantly which was kind of alarming, he seemed so charming, like a prince, always had manners and was extremely sauve. But I ignored the redflag even after coming from a relationship that lasted for 4 years with a guy who was just like that but turned out to be the worst nightmare ever.

 

We moved in together with an apartment that he shared with his pregnant little sister for the time being. He is Cuban, I am Black-American. He moved to the states about 2 years ago. To me he views and judges Americans so harshly and if anyone thinks differently than him or does things different from him he sees them as "not doing things right in life". So I have been under his scrunity for the past 3 weeks since I've moved basically walking on eggshells. Somedays he is affectionate towards me, somedays he completely ignores me and I have not once felt included in his life, he will leave the house without saying goodbye or tell me where he is going or anything, he'll just walk right past me. I am expected to do things perfectly and take word on his advice. I don't feel welcome or wanted at all. He told me if wants a woman that will help him get ahead in life, to support him in his goals and dreams and "do the right thing" in life. It just sounds like business to me, he doesnt mention passion, love, trust or anything. And I don't feel that with him. He is the only person I know here and I am starting to feel homesick and also running low on cash as I still have not found a proper job yet. Depression is starting to kick in, I just feel like a useless dummy to him, he plays on my heart and feelings. One day he is hot, the next his is cold. It depends on if I have "done things right" to him, if not he will punish me with the silent treatment. I try to be considerate, helpful, loving and patient as I can but I'm crumbling :( He isn't empathetic either. I just withdrawl myself now.

 

tr;dl: Moved from hometown to be with boyfriend only to find out I don't think he's really into me and is not what he portrayed. I am also homesick, so relationship trouble only intensifys this feeling as I do not feel welcomed or comfortable by boyfriend.

Terry8889 Established Member

Terry8889

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Oh my! poor girl it sounds like that could have been me when my bf asked me to move across the country with him, after only dating for a few months. I had my doubts and was scared to death for this same reason. I was afraid that I wouldnt be able to find a job and that he might change, and I would've had nowhere to run once there. Idk how things would have turned out for me, but I chose not to go yet. When I finally wanted to, he didn't want to anymore. Anyway, I feel bad for you, because I could have been trapped in a similar situation. How long did you guys date before moving? My advice would be try to contact a family member or a friend back where you lived to see if they can take you in while you get on your feet. Take a quick job as a waitress or retail so you can start making some money or maybe see if you can move out. Have you talked to him about how you feel? What did he have to say about it?. Don't let time pass, and try to see if there is a friend or family out there who can help you. I really hope your situation gets better.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Yeah, don't do that again. You need to move out and forget about him. He's a mess. I keep telling people you can't really know someone you meet on the internet and skip the months of face to face dating. There's no substitution for dating them in person. Get out before you get pregnant like the sister and have to put up with him the rest of your days.

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RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

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But I ignored the redflag even after coming from a relationship that lasted for 4 years with a guy who was just like that but turned out to be the worst nightmare ever.

 

Well... you know where you went wrong. Sounds like you ignored all the signs, and unfortunately made a very poor decision.

 

Good news? You aren't pregnant (MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT GET PREGNANT!) and you are not married.

 

Now what? You are going to have to do some hard, uncomfortable work, you are going to have to make some GOOD rather than bad decisions. In my opinion, you need to do everything in your power to get some money in your pocket so you can GO BACK HOME.

 

And once you are there - concentrate on yourself. You need to love yourself enough, and get enough experience so you quit choosing to invite totally unsuitable men into your life.

 

You need to love yourself enough to heed the red flags, to want better for yourself and not make such foolish choices.

 

He is who he is. Don't try to change him or make this work, this was a mistake, and the sooner you turn it around, the better.

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coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

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Listen we all do these things too so you are not alone here. He's not the right man for your heart. Why are you settling for his false love and desires for your heart. When they leave the house like that, it's not a good sign my child. Look how he's treating you already. What would happen if you two got married and a few kids? He's not the same anyway as you knew him when you had typed, talked and etc. Now living together shows you the real man you have. I am half cuban myself and I am more about loving you and respecting you as he's not doing that at all. Your running out of money you can get a jobs in the states here. Might not be what you want I can suggest a job. It's hard physical work but at lease you get a pay check each week. If your hear in the states of course the company is global as well. That if you want to stay with him. You might want to as you have fallen in love with him. That's the only reason you would be in this mess. He wants you to provide for him so he can have fun at your expense. It's all about him his macho butt! I would think things through then decide. Your still young woman your only 25 you can really do better than him. Your a keeper in my eyes I am sure others would agree. But please don't settle for the abuse he's doing to you now. He's not giving you respect, love and desire...

Purrrfect Established Member

Purrrfect

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You are still really young. You have your whole life Ahead of you.

You will make mistakes. This is one.

 

Cut your losses now and end the relationship and move back.

 

My cousin did the same thing you did only she is much older ( in her mid 50’s) moved from CA to NH for a guy she met online. Huge mistake. While in NH and moved in with him she discovered just how flat broke he is. She also became very ill. While Sick he dumped her and asked her to move out when she recovered. Nice guy huh. She then had her adult daughter help her move back in with her parents in AZ where she was for a year. She is finally back in Ca.

 

If she can do it at her age while recovering from a brain tumor, so can you.

 

End this. He’s not for you.

 

Btw it really ticks me off when people immigrate here esp from a communist country that has nothing and bad mouth us.

 

Good luck

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You made 2 classic mistakes Don't live with somebody until you have known them for at least a year. Don't go from an LDR to living together. You need the buffer of living closer & dating more conventionally for a time.

 

You are unhappy so fix it. Move out. Move home if you want. Other than him what is holding you in the new city?

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CHOOSEYSUSEY New Member

CHOOSEYSUSEY

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Thank you for all your advice and support! It means a lot! :)

ChatroomHero Established Member

ChatroomHero

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Definitely cut your losses.

 

 

If I told you that I know this guy that would treat you badly, constantly criticize you and that believes he is better than you and generally would make you unhappy, would you move across country to be with him? Of course not. You would pretty much avoid him like the plague.

 

 

In this situation the only thing different is you didn't know beforehand. You do know now so timing aside, you should still avoid him like the plague and get out.

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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There really is no shame in moving back "home" ...

 

I mean ... I know why people think it's embarrassing, but if you think about it, you're acting smart. You thought things were good, so you moved.

 

BTW: five months is not enough time to really know someone and decide to move ... I'm sorry ... People can fake all kinds of good things for five months ... Seriously ... it takes about six months to really get past the fantasy ... and that's with seeing the person fairly frequently in a variety of different situations and contexts.

 

Him berating your nationality .... uh ... excuse me? ... Eggshells? ... Oh no, honey, this rocket ain't going nowhere. Don't worry about embarrassment ... I know someone who left his marriage after one year ... He realized he had made a terrible mistake and his wife was psychologically abusing him and bullying him ... Worse, while he was reeling from the bullying, fending off the verbal assaults, she would then blame him for mistreating her. My friend's head was spinning.

 

He got out ... one of the best decisions he ever made ... improved his confidence because he trusted his own judgment, acted decisively to protect himself, and didn't care how dumb it looked to be married for less than a year.

 

To steal a phrase from you:

 

tr;dl: How soon can you get your ticket?

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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