frustrations with my relationship

[ICS]

A few years ago I started dating this girl. I was so happy when I asked her out and got a yes. For me it was almost a love-at-first-sight experience, she was simply the most gorgeous girl I've seen. However I did not quite know her as a person until we started dating. That didn't bother me because I liked her so much that I observed her everytime I had the chance, and I could tell that she is a girl with a good heart. Three years later and that hasn't changed, but alot of needless pain and uncertainty came into our relationship. Over the course of three years she broke up with me more than 5 times, but mostly it was due to her having little direction with her life, since she is the epitome of a person who lives their life without a schedule, taking it day by day... both good and bad, yes, but more of the latter. I don't deny that I love her, but more and more now I am getting the feeling that the relationship might not work out, and that's a BIG might.. at least for now. Emotionally, she is very unstable and depressed. I don't mind being there for her to help her and make her feel better, but lately I've become afraid that perhaps she might never recover from her depression or that it might be the biggest hurdle that might break the relationship somewhere down the road. How I wish the future could be more predictable and less uncertain.. Sometimes our personalities clash and whenever she hits the peak of her depression I find it very difficult being around her, although I know that she greatly appreciates me being there for her always. I feel so helpless because I don't have anyone to talk to to share my feelings and get some feedback on my situation. People I've talked to have asked me whether I am in the relationship because I feel sorry for her but forget that I have to think about myself too. I think about those questions sometimes but I cannot tell for sure whether or not that is what I am doing. Part of me wants to let go because everything can seem so hopeless yet another part of me wants to stay-even if it means that I have to endure through the rough and tough. ...There are even times when I would tell myself that this girl is one in a million.. that there is no way that I'll find a better girl in my life. Although her emotional problems are seriously taking a toll on the relationship and sometimes want to make me just step back from everything. She loves me, and I am sure of it, but I don't want to waste both our lives guessing and hoping that all will be fine, because there is so much that is still undetermined, and if you ask me, I have doubts that her situation will get better, but then again.. I cannot know for sure. I have been bothered by this problem for at least a week now and it's been on my mind everyday..without any solutions. She is also my very first girlfriend so some of you might think that I don't know what love is, but I can tell you that with this girl I've felt it- not all the time, but I am pretty certain.

 

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