kitkat826 Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 OK, I'm afraid of wandering into shallowland here, but here goes... I consider myself to be rather liberal when it comes to the issue of sexuality, especially where females are concerned and with our relationships with men. I don't think its fair when women are judged by their sexual choices and history, whereas men are often times seemingly immune. But yet I still wonder what the "norm" for someone my age would be in the eyes of men I am dating...meaning, at age 23, what number of sexual partners roughly is deemed as "acceptable" and not too "slutty"? Is there an optimal number range? Do men really prefer not to think about it, so that they can live in denial land about their women? I have only divulged my sexual history to one man, but it was with my first so it was imperative that he knew I was a virgin. Ever since then I've been happy with my partners and I being discrete, as long as we were tested and open about those issues. So guys, any input? Women, what has your experience been with men?
tanbark813 Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 There are lots of threads on this subject. You're going to hear answers anywhere from "more than 1 is too many" to "who cares?". It all depends on the person. I think it also depends on their experience. There was a time when the number of guys a potential gf of mine had been with would matter, but these days I don't care, as long as it's not porn star level where she's been with hundreds of guys. Some people are concerned with The Number, some people aren't. It's just another compatibility issue.
Numb Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 I agree with tanbark, everyone has there thoughts on this and for me it makes no difference. As long as I haven't seen any of her (xx)movies, then its all good.
Jilly10340 Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Well, I'm a girl but I don't think the number really matters. And if it does, it depends how long they haven't been a virgin. I mean, there's a difference in sleeping with 10 guys within a year of losing your virginity and sleeping with ten guys within ten years of losing your virginity. Also, it depends on the situation. Were they in a relationship, were they all one night stands, etc. etc. My experience? I'm 23, and I've been with 8 guys, and I lost my virginity when I was 15. So 8 years, 8 guys, all relationships lasting a little over or a little under a year. I don't think that's so bad. But like I said, any guy that has a problem with how many people you've been with needs to get over himself.
animo Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Yah, i'm throwing in the 'who cares?' opinion here. I seriously do not care about that sort of stuff aslong as i feel i can 'trust' the person in question...
LittleMiss Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 I have wondered the same thing before. Right now I'm in a great relationship. He has only been with his wife and me. He is also older (32) and I'm 22. I have been with 20 guys. I was wild in high school and freshman year in college. I think I have been with a lot of guys and I'm ashamed of it. I have not told him my number. The only thing he knows is I was 15 when I lost my virginity and he knows of at least 3 other guys that I have been with. I just hope that discussion never comes up because I don't want to lie to him, but I'm afraid of how he might react if he knew I've been with ten times as many people as he has.
bluechocolate Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Your sexual history is just that - yours. If a potential suitor thinks it has some bearing on his present relationship with you then tell him he's just lost his chance to have any kind of sexual history with you & show him the door. Honestly! I used to find this so weird, but as tanbark mentions, there have been loads of threads about it - so I guess weird, but not uncommon. I don't know - yuff today!!
animo Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Why even bother counting? I know i haven't... Does it really matter howmuch people you have slept with? Seriously, i get horny every 3-4 days, if something is up for grabs and i like it... why not do it? Is there some kind of unspoken hidden law against this sort of thing? Does it matter if you screw the same person once a week for a year or screw 52 different people? Am i gonna burn in hell for my 'dirty' behavior?? LOL I don't see how it does basically. I think aslong as you feel good with the person your doing it with and you're doing it safely then there is basically no reason to feel bad about that...or even keep count. I mean why? For the sake of etiquette? For the sake of trends? For the sake of others peoples preconceptions about you and your lifestyle. I just don't see to be ashamed because you slept with a higher number of people then someone else. For me this is just a logical decision cause i preffer the real stuff to a handlotion and a box of cleenex or whatever your favo toy is. And i have trouble believing that alotof people preffer mastrubation to sex...
elijahBailey Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 you mean ideally? Well, then, even one is one too many..... but where the heck can one find virgins these days?
Cecelius Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 I agree there is no hard and fast number, and a man doesn't actually ask (since that is weak -- if it comes out or there just seem to be too many stories, then that's different). Generally, I think anything less than 10 if you under 30 is a non-issue to me. From my perspective the only questions of real value are: 1) How many ONS (more than 2, I see issues) 2) Any cheating 3) Any male pals who've gotten lucky and are still around. Other than that, if its in the past, doesn't involve a group of dudes who are still in the picture, I don't have an issue.
JS17 Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 I agree there is no hard and fast number, and a man doesn't actually ask (since that is weak -- if it comes out or there just seem to be too many stories, then that's different). My ex asked and I said I didn't want to answer. He kept at me until I told him so I lied and I'm not a good liar. It destroyed our relationship. As far as I'm concerned, anything goes, numbers don't matter. I do ask the cheating question though.
AmberAriesMom Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 I have a cousin who was married 6 times in 6 years! I'm not kidding. So if suitor number 7 asks her how many times she's had sex with a different man, she's say 6 of course, even if she never had to say she was married to all 6 of them. Would suitor number 7 be turned off in some way if she had sex with 6 guys in 6 years and NOT have a problem with it if he knew she were also married to them all? Who knows? Maybe he'd have issues with her frequency of marriage/failure....but then that begs the question, what's the difference between marrying a guy right away and having sex and divorcing after a year or dating him for a year, having sex and then breaking up and repeating the process? I guess my point is that the reason why a person has sex with multiple partners is more important than how many. If it was for what they felt was love, then what's the big deal? If it was just for the sake of having sex with no feelings attached (a f*** buddy), then I'd be concerned that she needed variety perhaps more than one man could handle/wasn't very discriminating ...and then she'd cheat maybe. Same goes for men who have lots of niches on their belts. To me, having sex is either a chemistry thing or else it's a power trip....or God forbid, an aquiescence.
RecordProducer Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Nobody has ever asked me 'how many so far?' I've told my current BF and he was indifferent about it, he said it was nothing. He has had many women before me (and probably will have after me ). I think it's very bad that you're worried about it. It's only your thing. It's your intimacy and how much of it you will share is your choice. If your partner has a problem with you not telling him then he sucks.. my $.02.
Author kitkat826 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 I guess my point is that the reason why a person has sex with multiple partners is more important than how many. If it was for what they felt was love, then what's the big deal? Actually, I would be concerned by someone who had slept with a bunch of people because they felt "love" each time. I might be afraid that they had bad emotional judgement and tended to mistake "love" for lust/infatuation/like. Then again, I'm young. Perhaps in another 10/20 years I indeed will have felt actual love multiple times...
Blackfrost Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 In my book, I'd rather have someone experienced and understand how to work her body, then a virgin that I would have to ultimately go through the all the insecurities and "relax...it's not gonna hurt" discussions... and god forbid I came across another woman who hated recieving oral (I've found two so far out of a handful, so at least the percentage seems low).
Author kitkat826 Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 I think it's very bad that you're worried about it. It's only your thing I wouldnt say that I'm worried, though perhaps my OP showed differently. I very much agree with the majority of the posts that state that type of experience is usually more meaningful than number, that everything is relative, and that in the end its really none of anyones business. In an ideal world, most people would have the maturity to think this way. But in reality, I know most people carry the judgements I mentioned (and we ALL do to an extent, regardless of what we say)...I'm glad to see that it looks like you all LS-ers (is that correct grammar?) operate on a higher level than most folk...
RecordProducer Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 type of experience is usually more meaningful than number Only to you! Not to your partner. It's none of his business. Why do we all assume that Lady Diana had two men in life and Pamela Anderson has threesomes every night? Barbra Streissand has recorded a porn movie when she was young (I've seen it). Is she a slut? Madonna has had many partners, she doesn't hide it. Is she a slut, does she cheat on her husband? Guys who worry about the number are those who divide women into two categories: sluts and mothers. Just because I rarely have sex doesn't mean I am a frigid mother; and I could have sex with different men and women every night and I still wouldn't be a slut. If somebody interrogates you about the men you've slept with, they certainly don't deserve an answer.
Just_Believe Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 I think the older you get, the less the question comes into play. I'd agree that it's simply a number.... but more importantly, how are you feeling about the number of partners? If it bugs you or makes you feel less than good, etc. Also important point - I'd be interested in knowing if my boyfriend has been having unprotected sex with his past partners. From my personal perspective, I remember asking the question from sheer curiousity to my partners, boyfriends in my early 20's. Now, I don't care. What I do care about is making sure I continue to have protected sex. Just my 2 cents. -- Lexy
Cecelius Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 It's none of his business. It's none of his/her business to the extent you don't care to talk about it -- they do not have a right to know in any meaningful sense. However, it does matter to some people for some rational reasons (I don't plan to date a girl who's got a huge group of dudes that have been there before me if they are very recent [because it shows low self esteem, which may lead to drama, and because its simply less attractive] or if they are still hanging around) -- frankly, it is no more a hang up than other peoples' motivation to date only successful people or smart people etc. I agree that no smart dude asks (because the bad mojo will come out no matter what) and I agree that after a period of time a lot of it doesn't matter (if she's 30 and ended up with a couple ONS in college, who cares), but lying is unforgiveable. If they ask, then evaluate whether you think they are the right match for you. If they insist on knowing, then they almost certainly are not.
JS17 Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 It's none of his/her business to the extent you don't care to talk about it -- they do not have a right to know in any meaningful sense. I agree that no smart dude asks (because the bad mojo will come out no matter what) and I agree that after a period of time a lot of it doesn't matter (if she's 30 and ended up with a couple ONS in college, who cares), but lying is unforgiveable. If someone pressures you to the breaking point due to THEIR insecurities, it's difficult not to lie.
alphamale Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 So guys, any input? KK826...I personally have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding prior sexaul partners. Most women would not be happy if I told them the truth so to get around it I just don't bring it up and if they persisist about my sexual history then I just lie. Since you are 23 I really don't know what the avg # of partners would be now a days. I am 40 yr old and have no idea if young people are more sexually active now or less than when I was 23.
Spectre Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 It matters to an extent, the whole "its their number and their past so why ask" is BS, if im with the girl and shes willing to put a penis in her mouth, and have sex with me, she should be willing to give a number bottom line, to lie about it to me is just pathetic, if u dont wanna answer then say u wont, but DONT lie, it creastes a false image, if a guy goes on for a long time thinking shes a virgin and only been with him then he finds out she lied and wasnt, it changes stuff bottom line, if your partner asks for names and details I would say u dont have to tell, but a number? why not and as to whether it matters, to me it does to an extent, im 20, if i got with a girl who was my age and had been with 10 or 15 guys? im sorry, thats nasty, I dont wanna be touching that and honestly? I would view her as somewhat of a slut and I really wouldnt wanna kiss her knowing where her mouth has been, if my gf had been with jus 3 or 4 guys then I wouldnt care, but if she can count em on more than one hand I just try to stay away
johan Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 I think it's important to understand a woman's pattern in relationships. Between two women of the same age, I'm not sure which I would choose: 1) One who has had a larger number of partners but few serious, enduring relationships, or 2) One who has had fewer partners but all were multi-year serious relationships. On the surface, I always thought #2 was better. But she couldn't keep it together for the real long haul. That probably indicates poor communication skills and maybe a tendency to cheat on some level when things get boring. I'm starting to wonder if #1 isn't the more honest, trustworthy woman. If she hasn't made any commitments, at least she knew her limits and was open about it. I've always figured that #2 would be better, but who wants to wait 3 or 4 years to find out she's not going to hang in there? I'd rather find out sooner.
RecordProducer Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 If I guy insists to know, I would consider him rather insecure than anything else. Scared of experienced women, that is. So he wants to know if I am one of them. My number is not big anyway, but if I sensed a guy full of prejudices about it, I might be tempted to joke around with him and tell him I had 50. If he would be bothered by that, I would be bothered by him, although I've had around 15-16 by age 30. A few were one-night stands for various reasons (single for too long, craved for touch, horny for too long, or I didn't intend them to be ONS). Sex without love means nothing to me, but I think if I had met more guys that attracted me physically, the number would have been bigger. It's just that I chronically didn't like anyone I met. I consider myself monogamous and faithful, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't have a few ONS's if I am single again some day for a long time. Actually I think that guys who are afraid of women who have had ONS don't practice them themselves either. And personally I don't think it's sexy when guys only have meaningful sex and no adventures whatsoever. And if they do practice ONS then please don't give me the double-standarded moral lessons. Finally, I like when my guy is more experienced than me and doesn't care how many I've had. And doesn't ask.
nosybear819 Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 I think that question is so high school - who asks that anymore? I hadn't been asked that in such a long time but last month I went on a date with this guy and he really wanted to know. I told him that I wasn't going to answer that I seriously thought men stopped asking after a certain age this guy was 28! Anyway I didn't answer and never do 'cuz I feel like what business is it of anyone besides me? I've never wanted to know a guy's number I think the past should be left in the past. Besides it wouldn't turn out good either way it went if the number was too high I'd freak and if it were too low I'd worry. As for me, I'm 23 and I feel pretty good about my number. I guess that when a woman is ashamed of her number it's because she regrets most of the partners she slept with? Not me - I'm happy about my sexual history. Actually, now that I'm thinking of it there are 4 that I could've gone without doing, maybe 5.
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