Never been in this situation in my life

[Whyaretheyconfusing]

Ok so I needed a place to get all this out because I know it will help and t would just be nice to see what people have to say buckle up it's going to be decently long and detailed as possible. so let's rewind about 8-9 months I meet a girl at a gym of course it's all casual we talk causally then we follow each other on instgram Snapchat all that jazz then we start talking through instgram and still see each other at the gym then we start texting and all is well for the next 2-3 months that's all it was talking through text instgram Snapchat whatever we decided to talk on we had became friends at this point. no super flirting nothing just good conversation. Things were going super well and we eventually inevetbaly started flirting a little bit back and forth. You know the usual you're cute I like this I like that about you. And we were still having good conversations so I shot my shot and I asked to go out to see a movie even to not come off so strong I mentioned we can go from the gym straight there and she was ok with that so date not date? I'm not sure this was about 3 months into talking as friends with no physical nothing just getting to know each other. So we go to the movie it was fun we ate before hand watched the movie then we ended up just sitting in the car talking to each other until almost 4 am moved ended around 11 pm we didn't kiss we didn't flirt crazy from what I rmeber just good conversation. So it went well we talked after the movie and continued on meeting each other at the gym doing our thing an texting. That went so well I asked to make it a clear date I asked her out to dinner she said yes so one weekend we meet up we go to a nice place not super fancy but not a place you can't not dress decent made reservations for it she showed up a little late but that's fine .. good time we have some wine good food good conversation I pay then we go to get desert and we walk and talk and it's cool I want to hang out with her more just to talk again after we eat and she agreed but then got on her phone and then told me she had to go so I was kind of disappointed but it's fine said it was an emergency type of deal a friend needed help don't know if I got played or it was legit at this time but I let it be.. fast forward what I can rmeber we were hanging out a bit more often now just meeeting up to grab a quick bite to eat at a sushi spot or something like that hanging out just netting up sitting in the car talking smoking together still just friends we haven't kissed or anything yet not that night of the date or anything this went on for another 2 months or so after that "date" stil ltexring going to the gym so in my head I'm like we are just friends and we get along very well we started to have a crazy connection something I haven't felt like we knew each other at a soul level how easy it was to talk to vibe to understand each other of course these feeling started to come for me and we started talking about it and she would say the same we know each other's souls all that kind of stuff like we have known each other in past lives all that we understand each other without speaking and we communicate even without speaking we started writing massive essays to each other talking about everything and anything you can imagine including the things I just wrote and some of our feelings towards each other flirting has gone up at this point we are sending hearts and telling each other you're cute beautiful more often being more open with each other it is progrwsongly naturally and a good pace at his pint and my feelings start to get more intense so one day as normal we plan a day to hang out we go out with each other to grab some drinks it's a fun night we don't act like we are together or anything when we are out sometimes we donsome cute things like feed each other a pice of food or something but nothing crazy so this night it was the same deal we just had some drinks had fun she met some friends there and it was a cool little night we rode together that night so she is taking me back home and she pulls over by my house and we just start talking and talking laughing and we start like playbfighting with each other she would punch my arm I punch hers she grabs me I grab her then bam next thing you know we are making out really crazy then we stop and like damn what was that and we don't even stop to question it we get back at it and at his point Im just in the moment and I'm going for the home run but I get denied a couple times and it stops at that just making out and hanging out until 5 am the sun came out. We sort of talked about it from what I rmeber but there was no definite conclusion just it was right we have been vibing really well and it just happened this is about 5 months in now since talking that this first happened. Now fast forward that next month and we are hanging out like 3-4 times a week which was way more now than are usual once a week or if we I was lucky twice a week every corner week or so and yea she's coming over to the house now we are hanging out in the room she has came over once or twice before this happened but we literally just sat in the room watched tv and did not mess around with each other we hung out for 3-4 hours then she would leave but now she would come over and we watch Netflix make out and that's it she did not want to have sex or do anything else at but we were still writing massive essays hanging out like I said 3-4 times a week and now when we meet up we would kiss each other when she would leave we would kiss we went to a concert together we we've only gotten in one fight where we didn't talk for 3-4 days but we cleared it up everything was fine so in my head I'm like ok what is this where is this going now if it walks like a duck talks like a duck and looks like a duck it's a duck right ? I mean I met her parents she met my parents I even drove to her at 1 am to take her to the hospital for something and we talked again until 4 am about life and she told me some very personal details of her life and her childhood and how she was abused and things in this nature how she tried to take her life at one point we got very close very deep. So one day we hang out and I ask her what is this ? (Hence the duck reference) we talk a bit and she eventually says I'm not ready for a relationship and before I forget we even wrote letters to each other like hand written letters about our feelings and our lives and more personal things in my last letter I told her I loved her but back to the conversation she says I'm not ready for a relationship then I tell her ok then we can't count one this talking hanging out acting like we are kissing talking the way we do cause I love you I told her in person and she literally loooked at me and got angry started shaking her body started shaking and she started to get teary eyed and walked away but I stopped her and said what's wrong and long story short she stars balling and said she loves me too and she didn't want to admit to herself and not admit it to me I tell her I love her again and we start kissing and yea Im going to start making this shorter it's getting very long so after that we talked we didn't come to a conclusion we weren't together but we weren't not talking because we said we loved each other so things keep on the same still talking parents kissing yada next thing you know we are hanging out one night like usually and we did more than kiss not sex but yo know what I'm talking about then a week or so later we actually had sex for the first time and only time and I assume this whole time we were only talking and doing this with each other like i said we never talked about it but it we are spending that much time with each other there can't be that much. Time for anyone else but anyway her friends start to know about me her parents know she starts kissing me in front of friends we start holding hands in front of them and in public but then in front of my friends she acted a bit distant but it's the first girl I've introduced to my friends as a we are kinda dating type of thing now to make the story shorter all this has happened and we still aren't in a committed relationship so I tell her one day I had enough to just let me go if she can't commit and she says ok I can't commit and that was that for about a week then we start talking again and she starts telling me I'm the only one she wants in her life and the cycle starts to start over keep in mind I know this whole time she's the person who doesn't love herself completely yet who has had a hard life and mental things she fights every day problems that I don't care about like In a . Good way I don't care but anyway yea we start talking again hanging out but this time I'm a little bit more reserved and just start to think I'm really playing this game right now this crazy ass game with someone who says they love me but it's not that's it's not being shown but it shouldn't be this hard she is person thoug that has never been truly loved by someone one long term relationship that ruined her got treated like dirt and she gave her all but it wasn't enough dad in and out her whole life and just ****tt people coming in claiming they love her and then use her and leave she's son wonderful and doesn't know it well she's starting too because I'm helping her but that still comes from within so we are in this cycle and next thing I know I see her prettt much out with another guy I don't know to what capacity but that's all I needed to see I call it quits for real we don't talk for a month or so and my stupid face talks to her first saying I want to clear thinks up so there's no bad karma bad vibes when I should have just left it alone but she we meet up we talk we have a real real emotionally heart to heart with each other clear the air I cry she cries we talk very deeply I learn more secrets about her I haven't know.more deep scars and wounds she tells me about and yea we continue on that day as friends but a couple weeks go by and I can't do it I can't be friend with someone I'm now in love with so I decide I need to tell her I'm actually in love with her and I can't be friends and can't do this any longer for real

If you don't feel the same I wanted to talk again in person but I had had enough I decided just to write a long heartfelt text because if it's going to get through it's going to no matter how I do it in person would have been better I know but I feel like it would have been the same as before with no real conclusion so I send th text and get back a lame paragraph that doesn't say much and I ask that's it ? Then get a txt the next day saying something else that's lame like the whole this is better for us I don't wanna lead you on anymore which is stupid but then confuses me again by saying some things are better left unsaid you know our connection and you know what I want to say to you but it's better left unsaid and I replied the whole point I wrote all that was so there's nothing left unsaid so this can just die if that's where's it going no open doors and that's exactly what happens a door was left open because I never got a response and it's been about a week and a half and we still see each other every once and a while at the gym but just wave hi and that's it I'm just confused as to what this whole thing was ? And what do I do ? Part of me says to fight for her still and let her know I'm never going anywhere other part just says let it be let it die and if she wants it to liveshe will come to me and make it work if I'm still available I need help I know it's long I appreciate if you read it I know I'm kind of all over the place but I was trying to be as detailed as possible I'm 24 years old in case some of you ask she's 24 as well

[losangelena]

You may want to reformat your posts to include paragraphs. No one is going to read it in its current state.

[salparadise]

Sadly, she's unable to tolerate feeling vulnerable, almost certainly due to her history of abuse. Opening the heart to love requires a certain kind of confidence, a solid sense of self, and believing that one is worthy of being loved. She can't do that so she pushes away when it starts to get real. You can't fix it. When she says that she's not ready for a relationship, what she's really saying is she doesn't have the capacity to open her heart.

 

This is a known pattern with victims of abuse. For you, it's best to just let her go. If you were to try and have a relationship it would be just what you've already experienced... she'll sabotage and push you away every time. Sorry, I know it's hard to care about someone only to find that they can't reciprocate.