dollchick Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 So I been dating this guy for three weeks. Right now he works 4 days on and 1 day off. Each day off for 3 weeks we have seen each other. We live 40 mins apart and I am new to town so he has been picking me up for all of our dates. On date three he brought me to his place where he cooked dinner,we watched a movie and ended the night making out. He started to want to take my shirt off and I told him I didbt want to have sex so soon. He laughed and said this won't go any further and it did not. On date four, things got very heavy leading to us both naked and him ready to go when I told him no I can't because I wasn't into it just yet. He still wanted to see me again and I figured ok this guy must be genuinely interested. So on date 5 we had sex. So mind you every date he picks me up and brings me to his place by his choice and he informed me this was the last time he would be picking me up that I would have to go to him because he's blowing all his days off picking me up and dropping me off and blowing all this gas! He said he doesn't mind picking me up and I sleep over and he drives me home next day. But I just feel everything is too fast and too soon. To me, hes blowing same amount of time and gas. Thoughts?
happyhusband0005 Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 My thought is after the whole night and fooling around/having sex then having to spend the next hour and a half driving you home is wearing on him. His timing was really poor bringing this up right after the first you had sex. I does smell of him primarily being after one thing. I would suggest you switch on and off driving to each others areas.
JDJ Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 He still wanted to see me again and I figured ok this guy must be genuinely interested. So on date 5 we had sex. So mind you every date he picks me up and brings me to his place by his choice and he informed me this was the last time he would be picking me up that I would have to go to him because he's blowing all his days off picking me up and dropping me off and blowing all this gas! He said he doesn't mind picking me up and I sleep over and he drives me home next day. But I just feel everything is too fast and too soon. To me, hes blowing same amount of time and gas. Thoughts? I don't think you want to be involved with a guy that cannot afford to buy gas, unless you are independently wealthy, and he is just scrumptious otherwise. But I wasn't hearing that in your description.
carhill Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 Invite him to your place next time. That cuts his travel time/costs by 2 since he's been coming to pick you up and drive back to his town. Where I've lived, 40 miles can be 40 minutes or less. Heck I used to drive 50 miles round trip to buy groceries However, if you/he live in a congested urban area, 40 miles can be an hour or two stuck in traffic. That's wearing. Adult intimate relationships include sex so once down that path no walking it back, generally. Either the relationship progresses or it ends. Is he 'interested' in you? Well, 160 miles of driving for some sex and company is one sign that he's interested since most people can find dates and sex opportunities much closer to home. He didn't disappear after sex, a clear sign of disinterest, rather stated he wanted to see you again but apparently has become tired of the time, cost and effort of doing all the driving. By inviting him to your place, that's a middle ground. Then the next time, if there is one, since you've gotten the lay of the land from him taking you back and forth, you can go visit him. Suggest that. Communication is key. FWIW, my exW and I lived 60 miles apart and we did the back and forth for about 18 months before getting married. I didn't really give it a thought. We just did it. Or we'd meet in the middle. People who want to be together figure out a way. Good luck!
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 I'm not going to say he was only after "one thing". If you weren't down to have sex you had no business going to his house, getting naked or eventually having sex with this guy so clearly you were open to having sex too. The easiest way to avoid having sex on an early date is to stay out of private spaces with flat surfaces & keep your clothes on. Just because you are new to town doesn't mean all the onus is always on him to do everything . . . all the driving, all the date planning (what little there was) and all the hosting. Seems to me that you need better & more enforced boundaries. 8
preraph Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 You're on notice. If you don't put some equal effort into seeing him, he's going to walk. I don't think he just wanted sex, but that said, I agree with D0nnivain above, what she said. At this point, he's doing it all, and now you know he's not down for that on a going-forward basis. You need to pick him up sometimes or get yourself to his place or invite him to your place, and if you have to pay Uber to do it, do it if you like the guy. He's not your taxi and you can't expect him to have the commitment of a husband after five dates, so hold up your end of this deal and also pick up a check or cook dinner for him next time so he doesn't have to keep spending so much money. 1
Author dollchick Posted March 22, 2018 Author Posted March 22, 2018 Well it's only been five dates and I've explained I will not always expect him to do all the driving. Also I feel for him to say he doesn't mind doing it as long as I sleep over doesnt make sense bc it all adds up to be same amount of gas and mileage. We live really rural so there is no traffic. After we had sex last night he kept pushing me to sleep over and I feel he got funny bc I wouldn't sleep over
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 If you don't want to sleep over, at least drive yourself to his house. He's probably tired. It amounts to 2 round trips for him which serious is a p.i.t.a. for anybody. 5
Noproblem Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 You are so dependent! You have a car, so use it! 3
stillafool Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 Yes but it is tiring driving both ways in one day. That's why he said if you spend the night. You can always drive your own car and go home when you want to. 3
basil67 Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 Well it's only been five dates and I've explained I will not always expect him to do all the driving. Also I feel for him to say he doesn't mind doing it as long as I sleep over doesnt make sense bc it all adds up to be same amount of gas and mileage. We live really rural so there is no traffic. After we had sex last night he kept pushing me to sleep over and I feel he got funny bc I wouldn't sleep over It makes a lot of sense for him to drive you home the next day. It's not about gas and milage, it's about him being tired. I think he's being more than reasonable. If you want to go home that night, drive yourself to his place. Better yet, start pulling your own weight in general when it comes to transportation. 2
Author dollchick Posted March 22, 2018 Author Posted March 22, 2018 I have no problem pulling my own weight and once I got used to the road and comfortable with driving all that way with no street lights and woods I plan on it. In the meantime since I made him aware he doesbt always have to bring me to his place. Why not go do a fun date
preraph Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 Because he's spending all his money on gas! If you want to go on a real date, offer to pay. 1
kendahke Posted March 22, 2018 Posted March 22, 2018 It's time for you to use google maps and learn your way to his house in your car. 2
stillafool Posted March 23, 2018 Posted March 23, 2018 Why don't you invite him to hang out at your place? 2
RecentChange Posted March 23, 2018 Posted March 23, 2018 I think if you are mature enough and old enough to have sex, you should be able to handle driving yourself if you don't want to stay the night (and I am someone who used to live in a very real area, with extremely windy tiny mountain roads). Why don't you want to stay the night with him? Many couple's bound and sleep together after having sex. Leaving right after makes some people feel a bit hollow / cheap. If he was making you leave right after sex, I would say he was looking for one thing. But it's the opposite. You are the one that wants to have sex then make him drive you 40 mins home (so an hour and a half for him- because he has to get himself back home!) Honestly I think it's an unreasonable request. Drive to him, or stay the night. Insisting he make 4 trips in one day (there and back, there and back) is really unfair. 5
clia Posted March 23, 2018 Posted March 23, 2018 Because he's spending all his money on gas! If you want to go on a real date, offer to pay. Seriously! He's driving 160 miles to pick her up and drop her off. Two and a half hours of driving. That's crazy. 4
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2018 Posted March 23, 2018 once I got used to the road and comfortable with driving all that way with no street lights and woods I plan on it. In the meantime since I made him aware he doesbt always have to bring me to his place. Why not go do a fun date Have you even tried to drive the road? Perhaps follow him to his house so you learn to drive under these conditions. If you want to go on this "fun date" where do you expect it will occur? Have you asked him to meet you there with the understanding that you will pay?
Yosemite Posted March 23, 2018 Posted March 23, 2018 Did he tell you that he wouldn’t come pick you up again before or after you had sex? Has he contacted you since date 5? How long ago was date 5? Why won't you sleep over?
heavenonearth Posted March 23, 2018 Posted March 23, 2018 My boyfriend loves me and he wouldn’t even do all that driving back and forth. I think you’re a bit crazy for thinking he only wants sex just because he finally had the guts to tell you to be more reasonable wth your demands.
Tribble Posted March 23, 2018 Posted March 23, 2018 I've gotta say, this guy must really like you! But do you even like him?? You have been soooo passive throughout the entire process, its's a little concerning! I hate driving. I have to drive for work so really dislike doing it in my free time. It's exhausting. This guy is doing an hour and a half round trip twice in one day just to see you. And he's done it multiple times! Don't you see how much effort that is?? Why would he do that just for sex? I'm sure he could get it easier somewhere else. And what is with getting naked and then saying you don't want sex?? Of course no means no but don't let it get to that point. Make your intentions clear! And then you had sex even when you didn't want to. You want a 'fun date' but want him to somehow know that and plan it. And if you are as isolated as you say, presumably that means even more driving and expense for him to pick you up, take you to this date, drive you back and then drive himself home. Gees. I don't necessarily think home dates are bad. I like them and they make me feel more comfortable. I've just started dating someone who lives 45 minutes away. He has offered to come and pick me up multiple times and I have declined. Why should he go out of his way?? If I can't drive (which I couldn't one time because of snow), I figured it out. Our first date was an activity then he cooked for me at his place. Second date was an activity and I cooked at mine. No sex. We're taking it slow and he wants to see me again so I think it's going OK. Now he hasn't tried to sleep with me yet, but if he had, I would have set my boundary. Why would I want to start of a potentially good relationship doing something I'm not ready for? If you want this to work (and I have to question this based on your posts), you need to be less passive, set clear boundaries and rely on yourself for somethings. You are a grown up and can look after yourself. So do it.
Author dollchick Posted March 25, 2018 Author Posted March 25, 2018 I am not demanding. He is the one who offered to not only pick me up but always bring me to his place! I also told him I sing expect him to always do that.
winny Posted March 26, 2018 Posted March 26, 2018 So mind you every date he picks me up and brings me to his place by his choice and he informed me this was the last time he would be picking me up that I would have to go to him because he's blowing all his days off picking me up and dropping me off and blowing all this gas! He said he doesn't mind picking me up and I sleep over and he drives me home next day. But I just feel everything is too fast and too soon. To me, hes blowing same amount of time and gas. Thoughts? Good for him to come out and say it! He was being so nice and picking you up and dropping you and yet looks like you never made any offer to drive on your own and stay at his place. Obviously he has to say it loud and clear else you are somehow acting like you are entitled to being picked up and dropped off. Its a lot of effort and wasting money and time and energy from his end while you are acting like some entitled princess who can have sex but wouldn't stay over. If you don't want to stay over then don't go to his place. Meet him halfway... come there on your own by cab or driving your car and then go back on your own when done. I really don't like people who take advantage of the niceness and politeness of others.
stillafool Posted March 26, 2018 Posted March 26, 2018 (edited) I am not demanding. He is the one who offered to not only pick me up but always bring me to his place! I also told him I sing expect him to always do that. Why do you expect him to pick you up and take you to his place? Can you drive? Why isn't he invited to visit at your place if you can't drive? If you can't be mindful of his time I doubt he or any other guy is going to want to be bothered. Edited March 26, 2018 by stillafool
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