Losing the "one" - Grass is Greener / Rebound / Love? Am I delusional? Do I wait?

[NickLondon12345]

TLDR

My (ex) girlfriend recently told me that she has fallen in love with somebody else, which has left me devastated, especially because I hadn't realised we had broken up. Having scoured these boards I'd like to ask your opinion regarding my situation and whether I should wait...

The background

I've known Sarah since university, almost 20 years now. Best friends for a decade and in a relationship for 8. I'm not saying what we had was perfect, no relationship is - probably our biggest issue is that she's always been an impulsive "doing what feels right for her" person which led to her yo-yoing emotionally / physically and my, in the earlier days at least, becoming demanding of consistency. But on the whole we were best friends, still had fun moments, and it was incredibly passionate. Without sounding like a cliche I thought she was the "one".

 

Two years ago she wanted to have a baby, which we tried for. Unfortunately she miscarried twice. She refused my support during this time, closing herself off and a couple of month's later told me she didn't feel in love with me anymore, and wanted space.

 

We separated, however kept in touch, talking almost daily, meeting regularly and occasionally having sex. I saw her during this time focus on herself - new hair, new wardrobe, new focus on her work, she once told me she wanted to be the best version of herself. I'll admit I wasn't the best "friend" during this time, desperately asking her to come back on more than one occasion, and feeling jealousy and paranoia that she'd found somebody else.

 

Roll on a year later and we were speaking less, meeting less and having sex less. I was calmer by this point, less needy and asked her what "this" was and she asked me to wait for her. So I did. The year was difficult for her - her father dying in her family, she had a severe illness herself and almost died, and numerous issues at work - she'd still talk to me about it all but I wasn't her "go to" person anymore. When I tried to comfort her she accused me of smothering her, however would always be in touch when she was upset.

 

Last November we had a night out, and for the first time in a long time it felt back to where we used to be. That familiar, relaxed, flirtatious conversation and intimacy. I didn't want to appear demanding so never pushed her too hard to meet or for intimacy. Wanting to show her that I wanted her to be comfortable. And these last four months we spoke and met regularly, sometimes being intimate, sometimes not, but everything feeling positive.

 

 

This Week

This week she wanted to meet. So we did. She told me she's in love with somebody else. That she met him a year ago, resisted for 8 months, but they started seeing each other 4 months ago, everything becoming very serious. She said had wanted to tell me for months but didn't want to hurt me but couldn't lie to me.

 

It took a few days for me to regain composure, but we finally met and spoke calmly.

• She said she was surprised I thought we were still together, however admits her telling me to wait / the intimacy sent out mixed signals
  
• She couldn't say why we weren't together, could give no reasons, other than my being demanding was an issue, though also said there was issues in herself that she couldn't make me happy. Or couldn't accept anybody.
  
• She said she's "in" love with somebody else. She said it's serious, however doesn't discount our being together again.
  
• Her being in love with someone else for 4 months was exactly when we met in November, when I felt everything was "right". I even asked her, and she said she was giving me a chance but it didn't feel 100%.
  
• She said she can only do what feels right, and she didn't plan to fall in love with anybody, it feels right. Nothing I can say or do can change that.
  
• She told me she hopes I move on and find somebody else, even joking about a number of women she knows that always flirt with me.
  
• She told me I have loved and cared for her the most, that it will never be simple between us, and she will always love me, and whilst I'm the "ideal man" that doesn't mean we get back together, however doesn't discount our being together again.
  

 

She wouldn't divulge too much about her new relationship except that it had turned to intense love very quickly and it met her emotional needs. I asked if he was now her new best friend, confidant, lover as I once was but she didn't answer.

 

I told whilst I was happy she was happy (and surprising even to myself I actually am) but I am still in love with her, and to me she is the "one". That there was absolutely no way I could be a platonic friend. Which she accepted and we parted.

 

I have since deleted / blocked her everywhere, more for my benefit than to spite her.

 

So what do you all think -

1. Is this new person just a fresh start, shiny, exciting and new without the burden and baggage of what we had.
   
2. Would you say its a grass is greener / rebound thing or could it be the real deal for her
   
3. What the hell does her saying her new relationship is serious, however doesn't discount our being together again mean?!
   
4. What do you think she feels about me?
   
5. As I said I'm still in love with her, and to me she is "the one". Can I / should I wait for her?
   
6. If yes, how do I get her back!
   

 

Thank you in advance,

 

Nick

[PegNosePete]

So what do you all think

I think "goodness". You are one of the biggest doormats I've ever heard of. She has told you quite plainly on many occasions that you're her backup option, that she wants to explore other options but keep you around just in case it doesn't work out, that you're her plan B. And like a puppy dog whose owner has been on holiday for a week, you just lap up any attention whatsoever.

 

Is this new person just a fresh start, shiny, exciting and new without the burden and baggage of what we had.

Yes. She's moved on from your relationship.

 

Would you say its a grass is greener / rebound thing or could it be the real deal for her

It's irrelevant. No matter whether it works out with the new guy or not, she is done with you. Unless of course things don't work out with him, in which case she'll be back to casually dating / sexing you while she shops around for a better option. Do you really want to be that guy...?

 

What the hell does her saying her new relationship is serious, however doesn't discount our being together again mean?!

As above. It means if they break up she will casually date / sex you for a while, while she is looking for her next serious BF.

 

What do you think she feels about me?

She feels the way I do about The A Team. I used to love it! And I still like it, I have great memories of watching it, it's part of my past, it's fun to watch when there's nothing better on TV. But after 1 or 2 episodes I realise I'm looking through rose-tinted glasses and it's not as good as I remember, and pretty soon I'm scrolling through the TV guide. I might see something new like Game Of Thrones or Walking Dead and I'll switch to that for a while, but if they don't turn out as good as I expected I'll probably be back to The A Team for another episode or 2, while I look for another new show.

 

As I said I'm still in love with her, and to me she is "the one". Can I / should I wait for her?

Sure, if you enjoy having your heart stomped all over, again and again.

 

There is no future with her.

[NickLondon12345]

It's irrelevant. No matter whether it works out with the new guy or not, she is done with you. Unless of course things don't work out with him, in which case she'll be back to casually dating / sexing you while she shops around for a better option. Do you really want to be that guy...?

 

No I certainly don't want to be that guy, but nor do I want to throw away a 20 year old friendship and what was an amazing relationship.

 

I'm aware after a very difficult two years she may just need to "do this" - at least see if someone else can make her happy. We've always been honest with one another and she swears this is the first relationship in the last two years, so its not as if she's regularly been dating.

 

And yes, if it turns out I am the A-Team and can only exist in nostalgia then I would gladly walk away. But surely after thing long its worth fighting for.

 

Sure, if you enjoy having your heart stomped all over, again and again.

 

There is no future with her.

 

Even if I have to risk getting my heart stomped one more time?

[bluecastle]

PegNose kind of nailed it, sorry to say.

 

For what sounds like years now you've been complicit in creating a dynamic that serves her needs but none of your own. The idea that she is "the one" is a story you are telling and finding comfort in, but it is just that: a story, fiction.

 

The "one" is not a woman who tells you she loves someone else and offers suggestions about who else you should be dating. That's just her looking for ways to lessen her own guilt, so she can more fully enjoy her new life.

 

It's time for you to focus on becoming the best version of yourself. I'd suggest therapy, to start unpacking why your fixated on someone who gives you so little.

[NickLondon12345]

PegNose kind of nailed it, sorry to say.

 

For what sounds like years now you've been complicit in creating a dynamic that serves her needs but none of your own. The idea that she is "the one" is a story you are telling and finding comfort in, but it is just that: a story, fiction.

 

The "one" is not a woman who tells you she loves someone else and offers suggestions about who else you should be dating. That's just her looking for ways to lessen her own guilt, so she can more fully enjoy her new life.

 

It's time for you to focus on becoming the best version of yourself. I'd suggest therapy, to start unpacking why your fixated on someone who gives you so little.

 

 

Perhaps for the last two years yes, but given the trauma of miscarriages, death and almost dying I'd say I was being supportive rather than enabling her. Are things unbalanced? Absolutely, but all relationships are - and pre all her trauma, things were near perfect and equally balanced.

 

And yes, I do need to focus on myself. Unsure where to start with that one. So you wouldn't wait a few months longer to see either?

[PegNosePete]

given the trauma of miscarriages, death and almost dying I'd say I was being supportive rather than enabling her

Yes and how did she repay all that support that you offered her? By dumping you. Nice.

 

nor do I want to throw away a 20 year old friendship and what was an amazing relationship.

The operative word being, was. It no longer is. It hasn't been for her, for a long, long time now. There is no relationship to throw away, I'm afraid. It's over.

 

surely after thing long its worth fighting for.

It is only worth "fighting for" if you're both fighting for it. She quite clearly isn't, and doesn't want to. What is she going to think if you're "fighting" for her? She is going to be annoyed at you, refusing to accept what she has said, refusing to leave her alone, being that puppy dog who is cute at first but when he won't let go of your ankle so you can relax in the shower for just 5 minutes...

 

And yes, I do need to focus on myself. Unsure where to start with that one. So you wouldn't wait a few months longer to see either?

There's nothing to "see". She has told you quite clearly where you stand. The relationship is over. The only thing you will get by waiting, is more hurt.

 

Focus on yourself means you have to move on from her. Don't try to be "friends", don't lurk in the wings waiting for her to be single, don't be a puppy dog waiting for scraps to drop from her dinner table.

 

Begin your brand new single life. Make new friends. Start new hobbies. Travel, join a band, learn to cook, do things you've always wanted to do, go on adventures. Whatever you like. The world is your oyster.

[bluecastle]

Perhaps for the last two years yes, but given the trauma of miscarriages, death and almost dying I'd say I was being supportive rather than enabling her. Are things unbalanced? Absolutely, but all relationships are - and pre all her trauma, things were near perfect and equally balanced.

 

And yes, I do need to focus on myself. Unsure where to start with that one. So you wouldn't wait a few months longer to see either?

 

I get it, and sympathize. I've been in your shoes recently. Sadly, supporting and enabling can be the same thing, and I think that's what happened to you (and me). You hoped that with enough support and carrying the weight, things would stabilize—that's natural, noble, and is a great quality with the right partner. But what happened is she got stronger and involved with someone else and you got weaker and more dependent on her for your identity and happiness. Those are the facts.

 

That cycle needs to end, and only you can end it. You do that by not waiting—that's step one to focusing on yourself. Find solidity and confidence irregardless of where she is and what she's doing. In that you'll find real clarity, and the strength you're missing right now.

 

Does that mean letting go of hope? Of course not. Hope isn't a button that can be turned on and off. But right now you're feeding that hope with a false story, and she will continue to play into it as long as you let her.

[NickLondon12345]

I get it, and sympathize. I've been in your shoes recently. Sadly, supporting and enabling can be the same thing, and I think that's what happened to you (and me). You hoped that with enough support and carrying the weight, things would stabilize—that's natural, noble, and is a great quality with the right partner. But what happened is she got stronger and involved with someone else and you got weaker and more dependent on her for your identity and happiness. Those are the facts.

 

That cycle needs to end, and only you can end it. You do that by not waiting—that's step one to focusing on yourself. Find solidity and confidence irregardless of where she is and what she's doing. In that you'll find real clarity, and the strength you're missing right now.

 

Does that mean letting go of hope? Of course not. Hope isn't a button that can be turned on and off. But right now you're feeding that hope with a false story, and she will continue to play into it as long as you let her.

 

Yes you're right - I did support / enable her to become stronger, however she changed and went in a different direction.

 

And I am protecting myself - I told her I can't be her "friend" anymore and can't have here in my life unless she's willing to explore a romantic, intimate relationship capacity. As I said I've blocked deleted her from FB / Whatsapp etc however moreso for my benefit and have no intention of contacting her.

 

In the interim, I'm even happy for her to explore another relationship because I have faith in what we have and suspect / hope she'll be back

 

But I can't imagine not waiting..

[BluesPower]

Perhaps for the last two years yes, but given the trauma of miscarriages, death and almost dying I'd say I was being supportive rather than enabling her. Are things unbalanced? Absolutely, but all relationships are - and pre all her trauma, things were near perfect and equally balanced.

 

And yes, I do need to focus on myself. Unsure where to start with that one. So you wouldn't wait a few months longer to see either?

 

Yeah Pete nailed it to the wall...

 

Listen, it is time to let this girl go. If it matters, and at this point it probably does not, yes, she was cheating on you.

 

How convenient for her to "not know" you guys were still dating.

 

But honestly buddy, you have been a weak doormat with her.

 

It is time to get past all of this and understand your worth as a man. Learn how to be a stronger man, no matter how much you love a woman.

 

Always remember, when a woman really loves you, not of the things that you describe in your post happen. And if, this stuff pops up in another relationship, you know to get out fast...