Married men who are having/had affairs, what were your thoughts and feelings?

[treehugger12]

I’ve been reading LS threads for several months trying to get over my own broken heart over a MM, just a short fling last summer but turned emotional for myself and taking me sometime to get over.

 

I read so much about women trying so hard to get over there MM, going through the fog and the addiction of it, been there. The whole time I wish I knew what he was thinking?

 

Can you MM out there explain what your thinking cheating on your wives and how it’s going for you. Do you go through the fog and addiction as well? Do you compartmentalize? Do you go through the guilt? What is your thought process here?

 

No bashing really. I just want to know if your just bored in your marriage (mine told me that) is it because you really haven’t had sex in months? (Mine told me that one too)

 

I’m just curious to here from the MM, the other side, maybe it will help some of the OW and myself to mend our broken hearts.

Edited March 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Move to GRD and add paragraphs

[BluesPower]

I did not think that you... would get many answers from current MM in an affair.

 

Mostly, because those guys usually don't spend time thinking about what they are doing.

 

As a previous MM, I can answer some of these questions.

 

But you should understand that most, not every, MM are just liars to everyone including himself.

 

Many are really heavy narcissists, and just really don't care. Some are in it for the thrill, some are in it for the "New Love" feelings, and some just want something on the side. It is vastly complex and at the same time simple.

 

For most men, it is really easy to compartmentalize their feelings on many levels. Some really do have a bad marriage, but kids, and financial costs keep them in the marriage and the OW is a diversion from that marriage, and a coping mechanism.

 

And really, some just want to get laid.

 

Does that help with any understanding?

[WorldInMyEyes]

For me as a MM, the sex part is an afterthought. My wife has to practically beg me for it, and I give it to her out of pity sometimes. We got married because she was a girl I met when we were young and I happened to knock her up. My personal sense of responsibility to raise our children in a two-parent household is what keeps us married.

 

I don't want to cheat on her for sex, that's boring as ****. Sex is easy, anyone can find that. But finding a woman outside of my marriage that I have a true emotional connection with? Now that's awesome, and that's why I cheat. True love FTW.

[eye of the storm]

I asked my MM once why he cheats. He said that they got married when she got pregnant. And as much as he loved his kids, he regretted marrying her. I asked why they never got divorced and he said no reason to. For most of their marriage, she lived in their home and he lived in other places for work. And other women just became a habit. In other words, laziness and inertia is why he stayed married. They both seemed happy with the status quo.

 

 

The way he talked about it was so casual. Like it wasn't a big deal.

[donbar]

[]

 

I cheated. It lasted about 2 years. I will never ever do it again but if I could have been with my OW I would have. I still love her, always will. I wish she had wanted me as much as I wanted her in the end.

 

Life goes on. Still think of her daily, went through counseling, stayed married and am content enough because I live a very comfortable life. But the fog, the pain of separation, the guilt, anger, frustrations and tears over the OW are every bit the same as you OW experience, speaking from my heart....

Edited March 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post and off-topic commentary redacted

[BluesPower]

[]

 

For me I know why I cheated, I wanted out, and my Ex W was too wasted at the time to take care of herself. Stupid, I know.

 

But I have a question for you donbar, why stay with your wife at all, whether or not the OW wanted to move forward?

 

From my experience, there is meh-love which is I don't mind being around you and having sex occasionally, and the there is out of this world love.

 

Which, happy to brag, is where I am at now in my life. Yeah, it is not with my main OW, sadly we broke up. And I went through a fairly large string of women to find new GF, but wow, life is good...

Edited March 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote and response thereto redacted and tangentially topical content retained

[treehugger12]

[]I really just want to know what MM's thoughts are that are cheating on there spouses or trying to get out of the affair. Are they hurting like the OW do trying to go NC, did they love the OW? Was it just sexual chemistry with the OW and couldn't resist the temptation. Do you still love your wife. Do MM go through the fog like OW, do they feel like OW is an addiction as well? I'm just trying to get in the minds of the men that are currently in an affair or just cheated once or trying to get over the affair with OW. Please I don't want to scare the MM off, no judging please.

Edited March 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[treehugger12]

I also want to know from MM that have cheated, did you prey on the OW, (mine did for weeks) was it that you needed an ego boost, was she just another notch in your belt? Were you feeling neglected at home from the wife?

[donbar]

Thank you Poppy, I really didn't want to see any judging or bashing here, I really just want to know what MM's thoughts are that are cheating on there spouses or trying to get out of the affair. Are they hurting like the OW do trying to go NC, did they love the OW? Was it just sexual chemistry with the OW and couldn't resist the temptation. Do you still love your wife. Do MM go through the fog like OW, do they feel like OW is an addiction as well? I'm just trying to get in the minds of the men that are currently in an affair or just cheated once or trying to get over the affair with OW. Please I don't want to scare the MM off, no judging please.

 

I experienced all of the misery of heartache and loss without being able to openly grieve. The counsellor finally helped a lot. Being able to talk through the emotions and awful situation, the guilt and emptiness. I tried to get out of the affair, so did she. Eventually she was strong enough to end it and made it very clear it was over. She did exactly the right thing and we have been NC for almost a year. It still hurts. A lot.

 

Yes, I do love my wife. I was happy for a long time with her, then for about 4 years things were not good at all. it was during that period I met the OW. I hated cheating but the whole package (love, friendship, sexual chemistry) was overwhelming for me.

 

I am content to stay where I am now. We have worked very hard at our marriage over the last year. It's comfortable and we are happy. It's not mind shattering like the OW, but bearing in mind the fog/limerence etc I have come to realize that I am better off where I am than searching for what I had with the OW. After all, we only connect on that amazing level with such a few people. At least, I have. I'm over 50 and there have only been 3 women I loved deeply. So here I am.

 

As for preying on the OW, not that I'm aware of. But during moments when I missed her so much I thought my heart would burst, I would reach out when perhaps I should have stayed strong in NC...

[WorldInMyEyes]

Thank you Poppy, I really didn't want to see any judging or bashing here, I really just want to know what MM's thoughts are that are cheating on there spouses or trying to get out of the affair. Are they hurting like the OW do trying to go NC, did they love the OW?

 

Yes, I have romantic feelings of love toward my OW (EA only so far).

 

Was it just sexual chemistry with the OW and couldn't resist the temptation.

 

We worked together remotely (email/phone) for a time before we met and had instant chemistry. We didn't know what the other looked like. Then when we finally met in person the sexual chemistry was off the charts, like bolts of lightning going off between us.

 

Do you still love your wife.

 

Never really did. She became pregnant so early in our relationship that we never had the opportunity to truly fall in love like other couples do.

 

Do MM go through the fog like OW, do they feel like OW is an addiction as well?

 

Yes, my OW is on my mind all the time, from when I wake up in the morning until I go to bed at night.

[WorldInMyEyes]

I also want to know from MM that have cheated, did you prey on the OW, (mine did for weeks)

 

No, OW preyed on me. After she quit her job (we were co-workers) I never planned to contact her again. At that point in time we really were nothing more than co-workers who had an unspoken mutual attraction. But after a few weeks she started calling me, emailing, texting on a consistent basis and it wore me down. I let the EA develop because I couldn't resist it any longer.

 

Oh, OW is married too.

 

was it that you needed an ego boost, was she just another notch in your belt?

 

I didn't need an ego boost but it feels nice to be desired. No, I don't consider her a "notch".

 

Were you feeling neglected at home from the wife?

 

LOL, no. My wife worships me. When she married me, she "married up" in every respect: looks, education, intelligence, etc.

 

She tells me that she "won the lottery" when she met me. That's great if you're the lottery winner, but what does the lottery get out of it?

[William]

OK, moderation weighing in here since noting some off-topic postings.

 

1. I checked the thread starter's account to see if they ever posted a thread about an active affair and they did not. I was going to merge this into it as an aftermath discussion but no luck there. Otherwise, our pinned topic on where to post controls and this thread will now go to GRD.

 

2. Unless LoveShack recently became populated with mind readers, the only respondents who can answer the starter's questions are those they sought, men who are or have been in affairs. Only they know what they felt and how they thought.

 

3. Use the 'alert us' button to report off-topic or inflammatory posts. Moderation tends to believe members purposely desire to inflame forum relations when not reporting but rather starting up arguments about content and who should post what and where. When this occurs, members often disappear permanently. We prefer members to retain their membership and post on-topic and respectful content and thank you in advance for reading this missive. I'll clean up the off-topic stuff and we'll move on.

[donbar]

Sadly this thread is now lost in General Relationship Discussions where it is unlikely to be reviewed by those who could best provide some perspective to the OP.

[Popsicle]

Sadly this thread is now lost in General Relationship Discussions where it is unlikely to be reviewed by those who could best provide some perspective to the OP.

 

Yeah I hate that they do that. I love this forum but this really is a flaw in how they organize topics.

 

I'm not a MM but I like what Esther Perel says about why people cheat. I can't remember it verbatim, you could probably look it up, she basically said there were several reasons. Some cheat so that they can get out of their marriage (i.e. an exit affair), and some cheat because they are trying to get the attention of their spouse after not being listened to for a long time so they can make some drastic changes and move towards happiness in their marriage.

 

I think even though there are these reasons, which are positive, I don't think they always achieve those goals. In fact, I think it crashes and burns more often than they achieve these goals. Some affair partners get nothing out of it but a whole boatload of pain in the end. Where did you fall on that? Where did your MM fall on that? I don't know. But that is the reason why affairs are too risky to get involved with, because you just don't know what is going to come out of it.

[William]

Sadly this thread is now lost in General Relationship Discussions where it is unlikely to be reviewed by those who could best provide some perspective to the OP.

 

 

OK, that person, and the one who responded with more public rhetoric and off-topic content, gone permanently. We have specific guidance for posting of infidelity-related topics and, whether members choose to follow it or not, moderation does. No middle ground on that at all, nor publicly questioning our work. Don't do it. Or do and be no longer welcome here. Your choice.

[ICEMAN69]

[]I really just want to know what MM's thoughts are that are cheating on there spouses or trying to get out of the affair. Are they hurting like the OW do trying to go NC, did they love the OW? Was it just sexual chemistry with the OW and couldn't resist the temptation. Do you still love your wife. Do MM go through the fog like OW, do they feel like OW is an addiction as well? I'm just trying to get in the minds of the men that are currently in an affair or just cheated once or trying to get over the affair with OW. Please I don't want to scare the MM off, no judging please.

 

I decided to contribute to your posting after you posted on my thread.

 

I've known men who cheated all my life and if I'm honest the thought has run through my head when an opportunity or two came up. I didn't ever pursue those opportunities, but for reasons you're aware of, I gave it some serious thought.

 

To answer your question, men cheat for different reasons. I'll classify them as best I can.

 

There's the narcissist who believes he's too good to just share himself with one woman his entire life. I knew a couple of guys like this. One was your classic good looks George Hamilton type. He cheated at every opportunity and even cheated with some rather unattractive women. It didn't matter to him. He had the attitude that he was far too valuable for just one woman. He was married with three kids but I believe he just viewed it as he owed it to himself because he was just too good looking to be kept by one woman. She discovered his endless infidelity and they divorced. And he's still the same guy.

 

Then you have the opportunist. That's the guy who cheats when opportunities come along. They usually have a sob story to share with some woman they find attractive who they perceive as vulnerable and open to listening to their victim-hood at home. You know, my wife ignores me. My wife hasn't had sex with me in ages. My wife this, my wife that. You get the picture. Often this type has a line for a woman he's gotten to know. I knew a married guy who used the line on a gal he knew at work, "I had a sexual dream about you last night" and guess what? It worked. He used it to weigh where other other woman was at while risking little since it was a "dream" after all.

 

Then there's the guy who's lonely or feels overlooked at home. He feels like his wife has no real romantic inclinations or she's always distracted with other things. He wants more from the relationship, but doesn't feel like he's got a real healthy marriage when he weighs it out. At the same time, things could be worse so he just goes along with it unsure of the best way to handle his situation. He may begin looking outside the marriage or he may not. That depends on his values and what he's willing to risk. But he's likely vulnerable under certain circumstances if the right person came along.

 

Then there's the honest cheater. He's the guy who will tell you right up front he's into you, wants to do you, but he's not leaving his situation at home. For this type, at least you have to respect the honesty because you know beforehand where he's at. This is probably the more rare phenomenon among cheaters.

 

I'm pretty sure there are women who fit these categories as well but I can speak more intelligently about men because I've known these guys and their traits, and being a guy I know preciously where they're coming from.

[treehugger12]

I decided to contribute to your posting after you posted on my thread.

 

I've known men who cheated all my life and if I'm honest the thought has run through my head when an opportunity or two came up. I didn't ever pursue those opportunities, but for reasons you're aware of, I gave it some serious thought.

 

To answer your question, men cheat for different reasons. I'll classify them as best I can.

 

There's the narcissist who believes he's too good to just share himself with one woman his entire life. I knew a couple of guys like this. One was your classic good looks George Hamilton type. He cheated at every opportunity and even cheated with some rather unattractive women. It didn't matter to him. He had the attitude that he was far too valuable for just one woman. He was married with three kids but I believe he just viewed it as he owed it to himself because he was just too good looking to be kept by one woman. She discovered his endless infidelity and they divorced. And he's still the same guy.

 

Then you have the opportunist. That's the guy who cheats when opportunities come along. They usually have a sob story to share with some woman they find attractive who they perceive as vulnerable and open to listening to their victim-hood at home. You know, my wife ignores me. My wife hasn't had sex with me in ages. My wife this, my wife that. You get the picture. Often this type has a line for a woman he's gotten to know. I knew a married guy who used the line on a gal he knew at work, "I had a sexual dream about you last night" and guess what? It worked. He used it to weigh where other other woman was at while risking little since it was a "dream" after all.

 

Then there's the guy who's lonely or feels overlooked at home. He feels like his wife has no real romantic inclinations or she's always distracted with other things. He wants more from the relationship, but doesn't feel like he's got a real healthy marriage when he weighs it out. At the same time, things could be worse so he just goes along with it unsure of the best way to handle his situation. He may begin looking outside the marriage or he may not. That depends on his values and what he's willing to risk. But he's likely vulnerable under certain circumstances if the right person came along.

 

Then there's the honest cheater. He's the guy who will tell you right up front he's into you, wants to do you, but he's not leaving his situation at home. For this type, at least you have to respect the honesty because you know beforehand where he's at. This is probably the more rare phenomenon among cheaters.

 

I'm pretty sure there are women who fit these categories as well but I can speak more intelligently about men because I've known these guys and their traits, and being a guy I know preciously where they're coming from.

 

Thank you Iceman, this helps a lot, my mm (one x fling) best describes the last

2 catagories, we talk occasionally as friends and came close a few times but have both agreed not to to let that happen again, we both felt really guilty and did not want to go through it again. For the longest time it bothered me because I did not know which category he was and it bothered me for some reason because we never talked about it, but now that we have and I have closure we are able to be friends and we are confortable with each other, which I’m really happy about, I think he is a good man, I think there was just that physical attraction between us and we both got into that fog. For me it turned a little emotional though and couldn’t get over it for a long time. I’m over it now, now that we talked about it.

Thank you for your post.