How to get in front of this?

[Sunlight72]

I have recently met a woman who knocks my socks off

 

She is very sophisticated, educated, fun, and charismatic. And of course, beautiful and young and adventurous, and not psycho.

 

I am in trouble...

 

We live 3 hours from each other, and have some major differences. We also both feel an unusual connection, and though she has had many more relationships and other partners than I have, she has shared some deeply personal things with me that she says she hasn't shared with anyone in her life. So, she likes me to some extent.

 

With our differences she says we won't be a long-term item. Therefore, she asked if we should call it a great long weekend (it's only been about 3 weeks so far), or should we coast to seeing each other when convenient for some more fun weekends.

 

I thought about it, and said I agree we're very unlikely for the long-term, and I would much rather have her in my life, and have more fun weekends with her than not. So we both said, yes, let's do that.

 

I haven't ever had a Friend with Benefits (exclusive, I clarified directly with her) before, but I thought that's what she meant, which was a little sad and hollow for me, as it's her person and intellect more than her body that draws me to her. But, I actually am happier with some connection with her than none, so OK.

 

Well, since then, we've continued to speak on the phone 2 or 3 times a day and text in between. Which I enjoy. But, that isn't matching what I thought she said she wanted. So again, she likes me, but something is missing for her - or she doesn't want to get too committed so soon (?).

 

In my last relationship (which lasted 18 months), I was thrown off (in a bad way) as my ex started calling me the love-of-her-life after only a week or two together. I remember this sounded fake to me, and I thought I can't really believe what she says. Since I didn't respond, it eventually soured her warmth for me.

 

The problem is, I can see myself doing a similar thing now with this new woman. I realize I am looking too much at her, and not offering her enough action/interesting activities or interesting conversations for her to follow, or be more my equal. She is more the leader, which I am pretty sure is too much a parent/child dynamic for her to be intrigued for long. She recently mentioned that she once had a relationship with a man who was always telling her he loved her, etc., until he abruptly left her. So, too many affectionate expressions to her = fake. Yep, I get it, I can see I'm doing it 'wrong' over all.

 

I am intelligent, and accomplished (though not as much as she is), and other women find me intriguing, and this new woman and I have great conversations, a great connection, and great passion.... but when I talk to her I find myself fawning on her, which may be cute, but won't hold her interest.

 

My goal is to give this a shot as partners and see how far it can go. I want her to see me more as a partner, and less as a puppy than what my behavior is allowing her right now.

 

Any suggestions?

Edited March 21, 2018 by Sunlight72

[act00]

I'm not really sure what you want or what kind of answer you want or what you should be doing or how you should proceed. You're all over the place, so let's just try to pick things apart a little.

 

It seems to me you're "changing the rules" on this casual fling.

 

She stated, very clearly, she does not see a future with you. You agree, she is not "future material" for you either. You agreed that you would both enjoy the ride until the ride ends.

 

Now you're getting attached, and you want more. It's fine if you want to see if this can turn into more, but you have to remember, it probably won't go further, and you can enjoy the time, but not get emotionally invested...it might work, it might not...she is clear she doesn't see it working long-term or seeing a future with you...accept it and take it for what she defined...or move on.

 

It bothers me that you feel the need to entertain her, lest she get bored and move on. What an exhausting relationship to constantly feel like you need to entertain and stimulate her or else she might get bored and bail...do you really want to pursue someone like that?

 

Your posts are thoughtful, you are smart, educated, and you seem like an interesting person getting to know, and you state your dates and talks/texts are stimulating and enjoyable...something is lacking...you're ignoring the "lacking."

 

Normal couples exist in normalcy and the mundane and are really good friends within it. Certainly, relationships get a bit stale, and it's important to spice things up from time to time, but it's the connection over the daily life and daily routine that sustains a LTR. You can't always be an entertainer, a Jester, or someone that always has to be more interesting than shiny bobbles and...oooh...a chicken!

 

You don't want your relationship to be a job, and that's what this sounds like...a job...you're not getting paid for. We put up with a lot of crap when we get a descent paycheck, and even then, we move on to greener pastures if it sucks enough.

 

Relationships shouldn't take so much WORK, and this one sounds like unpaid labor.

 

Enjoy the ride according to what SHE defined or get off at the next exit.

 

U-pick.

[PRW]

I can't come up with much. You already hinted at a lot of what I would say anyway. But here are my thoughts.

 

You are way over-thinking this about something that you already confessed is supposed to be a non-serious, probably temporary, casual dating situation. Did you agree to that situation unwillingly as a last ditch effort to hang on by your fingernails to any shred of a situation involving enjoying her company? She may have offered this situation to you to see if you would "take it" or if you would stand up for yourself and say "No, I really want more than that". By "taking it" she may see you as a patsy and a toy but would have seen you as "a Man" if you said No. I'm just speculating, I'm not saying I know this for sure.

 

You seem to have a subtile undercurrent running throughout what you wrote that implies that you feel unworthy of her. She will pick up on that in your demeanor and will eventually agree with you that you are unworthy.

 

Being on the phone 2-3 times a day and texting in between,...is horribly excessive. That is full of needy clingy overtones. That is particularly true for you, while she may just participate as sort of a "sport". It depends on who initiates,...if you are initiating most of it then I'd say I'm right. If she is initiating, then I am unsure.

 

I suspect in a week or two it will all be over and she won't respond to contact attempts from you. Sorry, for the Doom & Gloom from me but something just feels all wrong about this.

[CollinW]

You just seem like a ln inexperienced man who has a crush on someone with more experience and intrigue. It's futile and you need to leave her alone because you'll just fall deeper and act more needy, which will turn her off and eventually she'll leave you hurt. You need to let this go and soon.

[PRW]

Also keep in mind that while you are caught up with "whatever this is" with this woman that you already accept has no future,...you are not trying to forge something real that actually has potential,...your are basically taking yourself off the market,...even if only emotionally.

 

You can not devote your energy to something productive close to home with someone if this situation is sucking up the energy that it is doing.

[Maggie4]

What differences? Why not a long term item? If coming from her, is that not a clear rejection?

From your post, it sounds like she does not make you feel good about yourself. You cannot be happy this way.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hmmm, my knee-jerk diagnosis of this is that you are susceptible and receptive to love bombing because you like the way it feeds your ego.

[Sunlight72]

You seem to have a subtile undercurrent running throughout what you wrote that implies that you feel unworthy of her. She will pick up on that in your demeanor and will eventually agree with you that you are unworthy.

Good point. This is what I was trying to identify. Thank you.

 

Being on the phone 2-3 times a day and texting in between,...is horribly excessive. That is full of needy clingy overtones. That is particularly true for you, while she may just participate as sort of a "sport". It depends on who initiates,...if you are initiating most of it then I'd say I'm right. If she is initiating, then I am unsure.

She initiates it more often than I do, which is what confuses me. I'll check in with myself more often and work to get some perspective.

[Sunlight72]

It bothers me that you feel the need to entertain her, lest she get bored and move on. What an exhausting relationship to constantly feel like you need to entertain and stimulate her or else she might get bored and bail...do you really want to pursue someone like that?

Mmm-hmm. A good insight, I am too infatuated to see. Thanks for clarifying this dynamic.

 

Your posts are thoughtful, you are smart, educated, and you seem like an interesting person getting to know, and you state your dates and talks/texts are stimulating and enjoyable...something is lacking...you're ignoring the "lacking."

Gracious of you to say. And, I'll think about the 'lacking'. I am enjoying being caught in the emotions, but it is surprisingly hard to get a more neutral glimpse into this.

 

I'll re-read the rest of your post too. Thanks for the thoughts!

[Sunlight72]

Hmmm, my knee-jerk diagnosis of this is that you are susceptible and receptive to love bombing because you like the way it feeds your ego.

Yep, from her, yes. From others, it doesn't mean much to me. I'm feeling a little like an alcoholic... unusual for me. hmmm.

[Sunlight72]

What differences? Why not a long term item? If coming from her, is that not a clear rejection?

From your post, it sounds like she does not make you feel good about yourself. You cannot be happy this way.

Differences like, she wants children, and soon, and I haven't thought about having kids in a long time. She is quite cosmopolitan, and I am only a little. She is largely driven by finances (and good at garnering the money she wants), and I am an artist - now successful, but my drive is not to stack up money. She says her ultimate goal is to operate an orphanage - that is not a goal I have ever had.

 

'she does not make you feel good about yourself' - that's a good point, I'll have to think about that. This is the weird part for me - I feel great to be with her, talking with her, thinking of her, and good when she is encouraging or supportive of me, but much more often we are talking about her achievements and ambitions than mine. So, is she trying to make me feel good, like I do for her? Or am I only admiring her? Seems like 30/70 right now, which is no beuno.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Sunlight72

[Popsicle]

Just enjoy it for as long as it lasts. The thing that sticks out to me is that this is long-distance. On the positive side, being LD makes relationships last longer than those that would fizzle out quicker if they lived closer. On the negative side, you'd better have a whole lot of interesting things to talk about since talking is mostly what you'll be doing.