I now check Facebook before I get serious

[Coffeeguy]

I know the title sounds kind of creepy or bad or whatever but I'm also in my early 40's and don't need any drama or anything that suggests a person I meet has the kind of issues my ex did. Once I get someones name, I look for them on Facebook. (The only reason I have a FB account anyway is so I can get the free stuff on my cellphone games.) Not to friend request but just to see the profile pic and any info that might be public to give me an idea. Am I being paranoid by doing this?

 

I look for those little things...if she is posting any memes dealing with relationships, I run. I get creeped out by any adult women doing this. When you think of how well you tried to please someone and read a stupid meme saying "he didn't love you for you, he loved you because he needed to fill his own void" or whatever nonsense, I already know where I really made the mistake. Not running.

 

If pics are nothing but her face making duckfaces or whatever and thumbs up to the list of people saying "omg ur pretty dur dur" I run.

 

And most importantly, if I notice "In a relationship" on March and "Single" on April I run. And if they are keeping pics of old boyfriends, I don't run. I call Scotty and I transport out of there.

 

And the thing is, it's not just the sting of my ex that has me doing this, it's my other past dates too. I just never got it and put it together because I was the sucker chasing. But they all did that. The memes, the pics and the empty reactions to you giving them exactly what they are posting this crap about. It's insane. They are self-obsessed. They are the ones who want you to be everything to them while being nothing to you.

 

So I don't know if my approach is sad, cautious, paranoid or all. Or maybe it's really just me getting older and knowing time is precious and I will never, ever waste another two years trying to figure out crazy. If this method saves me from that, so be it.

 

Am I the only one doing this?

[Keats]

Free background check.

[Coffeeguy]

Hahahahaha

Edited March 21, 2018 by Coffeeguy

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No, you're not the only one who does this. Heck, I spent a good deal of time yesterday Facebook stalking complete strangers who were involved in a crime I read about on the local newspaper site. (I was mostly intrigued because it involved a dead baby and we have mutual friends)

 

Anyway. It's not weird. I think you can tell a lot about a person through the kinds of things they post on Facebook. You wouldn't date a duck face. I wouldn't date someone who posts non stop gym/mirror/flexing selfies or tasteless memes about sex, or a lot of other things actually.

 

However, not everyone uses social media so I find men who do NOT use it just as intriguing/acceptable as a man whose Facebook content I "approve" of.

[Gaeta]

You are not wrong at all, you're being smart. I always googled my dates and checked their FB if they had one. Also google their full name, we've discovered a family member was dating a criminal (rapist) just by googling his name.

[smackie9]

If I was single/dating today and into someone, you better believe it I would be doing a background check. Social media would be my first stop. Here in Canada a background check through government agency is about 35, 45 bucks. Worth the investment.

 

A friend of mine never did that, now he is invested, and stuck with recent discoveries of his GFs past. He is pretty messed up over it. If he knew at the beginning, all this new information, he would never have touched her with a 10 foot pole. IMO he should kick her to the curb.

[heavenonearth]

First off, i don’t think checking a potential date’s Facebook is crazy or paranoid. Everyone does it, come on.

I also have to say it seems you must have met some terrible women. Break up memes? Really?

 

The only thing where i disagree with you is photos of exes.

I have photos of exes on my Instagram account, which dates back to 2013.

I don’t post pictures on my Facebook, but i know my boyfriend has a few photos with/of his ex on his Facebook, and he is tagged in pictures with her in it.

It bothers me a bit - but you need to look at it this way: if we wouldn’t have Facebook and technology, would you throw away actual pictures of exes? I have never done this. I have many boxes of pictures from my life in my attic. There are pictures of many many exes in there.

And i am also sure many other people have pictures at their homes with me and exes in it. Do i tell them to throw them away please? No!

 

Facebook is like that. Just digital. And most people don’t clean up their photo chronology after a break up. They had a life before you, accept it.

 

I admit, it would be even more concerning if they go and delete everything from their past And pretend it never happened - and it kinda shows bitterness, something else may be psychologically wrong with them. I don’t know, that’s just how i feel.

 

X

[carhill]

Never have used Facebook or Twitter so have no significant social media presence.

 

I have noticed, perhaps in the last year or so, that the fishing e-mails that sprung from Facebook mining friend's and business colleagues e-mail accounts have lessened to essentially none.

 

Not my cuppa so wouldn't check social media. Court divorce cases, sure.

[Fair]

I know the title sounds kind of creepy or bad or whatever but I'm also in my early 40's and don't need any drama or anything that suggests a person I meet has the kind of issues my ex did. Once I get someones name, I look for them on Facebook. (The only reason I have a FB account anyway is so I can get the free stuff on my cellphone games.) Not to friend request but just to see the profile pic and any info that might be public to give me an idea. Am I being paranoid by doing this?

 

I look for those little things...if she is posting any memes dealing with relationships, I run. I get creeped out by any adult women doing this. When you think of how well you tried to please someone and read a stupid meme saying "he didn't love you for you, he loved you because he needed to fill his own void" or whatever nonsense, I already know where I really made the mistake. Not running.

 

If pics are nothing but her face making duckfaces or whatever and thumbs up to the list of people saying "omg ur pretty dur dur" I run.

 

And most importantly, if I notice "In a relationship" on March and "Single" on April I run. And if they are keeping pics of old boyfriends, I don't run. I call Scotty and I transport out of there.

 

And the thing is, it's not just the sting of my ex that has me doing this, it's my other past dates too. I just never got it and put it together because I was the sucker chasing. But they all did that. The memes, the pics and the empty reactions to you giving them exactly what they are posting this crap about. It's insane. They are self-obsessed. They are the ones who want you to be everything to them while being nothing to you.

 

So I don't know if my approach is sad, cautious, paranoid or all. Or maybe it's really just me getting older and knowing time is precious and I will never, ever waste another two years trying to figure out crazy. If this method saves me from that, so be it.

 

Am I the only one doing this?

 

I think you're smart for doing this. You can learn a lot by people's fb that are great for helping you learn who to trust or who to stay away from, as long as they make enough posts 'public' so you can see without having them know you're checking them out.

 

It's not sad or paranoid... you're not a stalker. If people have fb and public posts they're inviting everyone to look...

 

That said, even among my friends list people show their true colors much more quickly than if you were to simply be around them in public where everyone wears their social mask.

 

It's a new day... if fb makes new ways possible to find out about potential partners and to save yourself some headache, then by all means, use it.

[ChatroomHero]

I check. Relationship posts or "whoa is me posts" turn me off. It seems like they like playing the victim and airing out dirty laundry to an audience and I don't care for that type of woman. Makes me think high maintenance and drama.

 

 

Multiple guys FB flirting with her turns me off too. It tends to make me think she likes the validation and allows it or at least strings some guys along.

 

 

The biggest thing that I would rule someone out on pretty quickly is if her FB is filled with pictures of herself. Not on vacation or doing something interesting, but just selfies like every other day with her sitting at a table, or in the car, or McDonalds... Usually she will have pics of herself and her kids and she is in the middle, center focus. Pictures of her with friends she is center focus. Then the rest of the pictures are of her. Taken by her. If she has posted any more than maybe 1 selfie per month, I'm out.

 

 

I think FB is a great way to filter when you don't know a lot about them.

[CptInsano]

I'm lucky in that regard. I stopped using Facebook years ago, and my name is as common as John Smith. Unless you know my full address you are getting mostly information that doesn't pertain to me. Only my LinkedIn profile really stands out. I'm sure some women were wondering about that, but I don't mind.

 

Since I met my current gf through my circle of friends, I didn't feel the need to research her, either.

[Fair]

Since I met my current gf through my circle of friends, I didn't feel the need to research her, either.

 

This comment stands out. If you feel someone needs a background check you probably already know you caught a stinker.

[Coffeeguy]

First off, i don’t think checking a potential date’s Facebook is crazy or paranoid. Everyone does it, come on.

I also have to say it seems you must have met some terrible women. Break up memes? Really?

 

The only thing where i disagree with you is photos of exes.

I have photos of exes on my Instagram account, which dates back to 2013.

I don’t post pictures on my Facebook, but i know my boyfriend has a few photos with/of his ex on his Facebook, and he is tagged in pictures with her in it.

It bothers me a bit - but you need to look at it this way: if we wouldn’t have Facebook and technology, would you throw away actual pictures of exes? I have never done this. I have many boxes of pictures from my life in my attic. There are pictures of many many exes in there.

And i am also sure many other people have pictures at their homes with me and exes in it. Do i tell them to throw them away please? No!

 

Facebook is like that. Just digital. And most people don’t clean up their photo chronology after a break up. They had a life before you, accept it.

 

I admit, it would be even more concerning if they go and delete everything from their past And pretend it never happened - and it kinda shows bitterness, something else may be psychologically wrong with them. I don’t know, that’s just how i feel.

 

X

 

I never thought of it that way with the ex photo thing. Great point.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Facebook, or any social media for that matter, only works if the person you're stalking has it open to the public otherwise it's pointless.

 

Googling their name might work but if it's a common name you might as well be searching for a needle in a haystack.

 

I have Facebook but it's locked down tight. I don't even use my real name so I'm basically unsearchable and I like it that way. Not because I have anything to hide but for me, Facebook is for a VERY select group of friends and family and no one else.

 

I'd be more worried about partners having IG and Snapchat accounts than FB in terms of some of the debauchery that seems to be notorious with those platforms.

 

All that being said, I'm not sure it's that important to check out someone's social media accounts BEFORE you meet up. I mean, if you can and it's easy then go for it. I think you can also tell a lot about someone just be asking the right questions and seeing how they respond, particularly face to face so you can witness their body language. It can be quite telling.

 

Bottom line is nothing is full proof especially if someone doesn't want to be found out. All you can do is all you can do and hope that your instincts kick if something seems amiss.

 

I would also add that some things can be taken out of context when viewed online. It's really not a great barometer for really knowing someone in my personal opinion unless the person in question is a social media junkie, in which case....RUN!

[kaitlynlily6]

You're not being paranoid. It's normal to check out other people's FB account to know more about the person.

[preraph]

I see nothing wrong with getting what info you can, especially for women. They should run background checks.

[heavenonearth]

Different perspective. You and I date, and we take some physical pictures and some digital ones. Maybe we keep some of those regular pics framed and hung on our wall, and some of the digital pics get posted to FB, right? After the breakup, would you take the hung pics down from the walls of your home? I would. I would also remove any digital pics from my FB for the same reason. Yes, we had a past together, but that doesn't mean that you keep that past on display.

 

I take down and untag myself from all photos and everything my exes put on FB after a breakup. I will also put any physical pics we have together in a box and stash them in my closet.

 

After my ex and I broke up in 2014 I did not go back in my timeline and deleted every single photo he is in. That's just weird. You cannot erase part of the past. It's there. And I don't want to alter my past just because a future partner may have an issue with me having experienced love before them.

 

Or let's take my boyfriend's example: He was with his ex for 15 years. He was never super active in posting pictures on FB, the only ones that has both of them in them are pictures by others. When they split, it was not something they would announce via facebook - they were adults, not teenagers anymore... and I understand that some people want the world to know everything that goes on in their lives, by, for example, all of a sudden deleting all the pictures, or untagging themselves from pictures, so the world can see: Ah yes, it's over! What a terrible way to announce a break up to the world.... I mean, who does that? Is this really people's priority when they break up? I don't know, I would not think about that. It would be the LAST thing on my mind.

Oh, and besides, my boyfriend's parents have family pictures up their wall where his ex is in them. What are they going to do -- cut her out of the pictures? Come on. It's life!

 

Again, I do rarely post pictures on facebook, but I am very active on Instagram, and my boyfriend could give a fork about the fact that there are a few pics of some other dude I once dated in 2014 somewhere in the scroll-o-sphere.

[Fair]

Different perspective. You and I date, and we take some physical pictures and some digital ones. Maybe we keep some of those regular pics framed and hung on our wall, and some of the digital pics get posted to FB, right? After the breakup, would you take the hung pics down from the walls of your home? I would. I would also remove any digital pics from my FB for the same reason. Yes, we had a past together, but that doesn't mean that you keep that past on display.

 

I take down and untag myself from all photos and everything my exes put on FB after a breakup. I will also put any physical pics we have together in a box and stash them in my closet.

 

Why even stash them in a box and keep them?

 

But I agree with this... If you, for whatever reason, MUST keep pics, it's only common decency and respect for your next SO to remove as much physical evidence of your past as you can and put it someplace where they don't have to look at it.

 

Yet these days everyone is so self absorbed and don't care about the feelings of others... it's all... I won't....because I want.... and, I don't care if.... because, me, me, me....

 

I'd definitely delete the images off FB.

 

Also people often won't admit something bothers them out of PRIDE. But have you ever heard of silent relationship killers? They may just not be saying they mind and then over time, these things add up until there's huge resentment there and suddenly they turn on you to go find someone who respects them more. I wouldn't assume keeping pics of my ex wouldn't hurt the other... or the relationship... even if they said they didn't care.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Fair

[heavenonearth]

Why even stash them in a box and keep them?

 

But I agree with this... If you, for whatever reason, MUST keep pics, it's only common decency and respect for your next SO to remove as much physical evidence of your past as you can and put it someplace where they don't have to look at it.

 

Yet these days everyone is so self absorbed and don't care about the feelings of others... it's all... I won't....because I want.... and, I don't care if.... because, me, me, me....

 

I'd definitely delete the images off FB.

 

Also people often won't admit something bothers them out of PRIDE. But have you ever heard of silent relationship killers? They may just not be saying they mind and then over time, these things add up until there's huge resentment there and suddenly they turn on you to go find someone who respects them more. I wouldn't assume keeping pics of my ex wouldn't hurt the other... or the relationship... even if they said they didn't care.

 

I do not understand this obsession of people wanting to delete their past because of someone else's inferiority complex?

I admit it kinda bothers me that my boyfriend's ex is on his mom's wall in a family picture in their living room. But what will I do about it? Ask her to cut out the ex and put the picture back up with a hole in it?

I admit it bothers me to see my ex on a facebook picture next to my boyfriend in a photo from 2009 and... what will I do -- message his brother to remove the picture?

 

So what. One day, I will be in a picture up in the living room. That's how life works. Until then, I am enjoying my time with my partner, because we live in the NOW.

 

 

You gotta be above such things. A healthy person with healthy self-esteem won't nitpick about this stuff.

 

Their past is their past -- don't touch it. You were not in it. And let your partner have this past. It is part of them. Without their past, they won't be who they are today.

[SevenCity]

I remember when I first started OLD my sister would FB stalk my dates because I'm not on it (sans a profile setup for bumble).

 

I never really cared and now the revolving door of OLD psychos doesn't warrent the time investment to do a google search.

 

If I get serious with a girl, I have all the information I require through their actions....which is why I'm no longer taking it seriously.

[some_username1]

I remember when I first started OLD my sister would FB stalk my dates because I'm not on it (sans a profile setup for bumble).

 

I never really cared and now the revolving door of OLD psychos doesn't warrent the time investment to do a google search.

 

If I get serious with a girl, I have all the information I require through their actions....which is why I'm no longer taking it seriously.

 

Exactly, women are usually so transparent that you can tell which one in the room has over 1000 facebook friends, which one sends nudes on snapchat and which one posts break up memes etc. Social media is only useful for confirming what you already knew.

[TheFinalWord]

Am I the only one doing this?

 

I think it is smart and worth taking 5 minutes to review their social media. Recently, a woman online contacted me. Was able to figure out who she was via facebook. She recently had a child, with no indication as such in her dating profile. Another woman that contacted me, after finding her on instagram, I realized she was using really old pics on her dating profile (had gained a significant amount of weight).

 

I will admit I turned down a date simply based on the fact one woman still had pics and posts of the guy she dated on FB. I didn't study her whole life, but it was easy to tell they dated for a few years. My main concern was the breakup was only a few weeks before we connected. I didn't want to be a rebound. Much easier to stop something before it starts.

Edited March 22, 2018 by TheFinalWord

[basil67]

Facebook, or any social media for that matter, only works if the person you're stalking has it open to the public otherwise it's pointless.

 

That was my first thought. While I do use my real name, my page isn't public. Judging by this post and the responses on it, it sounds like a lot of people don't lock their pages down

[TheFinalWord]

That was my first thought. While I do use my real name, my page isn't public. Judging by this post and the responses on it, it sounds like a lot of people don't lock their pages down

 

They don't. With FB the cover photo is always public. You can search their friends that liked and find a lot of information that way. Or you can download their profile picture, upload it into google and find everywhere else that picture is used.

[heavenonearth]

Why is it weird? To me, it shows me that the person has made at least that much effort to move on from their past. Far better than leaving it on display. Also, you don't have to delete the photos, you can save them on your computer and then delete them from FB/IG only. That's exactly what I did. That is not altering your past. The past happened. It is just moving on to the present.

 

 

 

And in 2019 when you have a new BF? Does he just need to get over your pics of two different exes? Maybe in 2020 the boyfriend you get with then should get over all those pics from all those different dudes all over your social media too. I have been in 4 relationships since FB became a thing, not counting women I just went on a date or three with. All of those ladies were on my FB wall at some point. I guess my new GF should just have to get over all those pics of me with other ladies? I bet she would love that idea

 

I remove reminders of my past from my present so that the person I am with doesn't have to deal with it. IMO, it's just being considerate.

 

 

Nope - i decided to keep this great partner of mine i have now forever. And as i said, he doesn’t give a damn that there are a few pics of some other dude i once dated 4 years ago if someone scrolls down for ages in my instagram feed. Why would he? I am with him now, not the guy from four years ago.

 

Not everyone is as insecure as you. to be honest — i never had anyone complain about this kind of stuff. It’s childish.